MacTrump

by Ian Doescher

  And wherefore noticeth no one but me?

  MACTRUMP

  Tut! I care not for lunar lunatics.

  KUSHREW

  [to Desdivanka:] Mine empress, shall I give her aught of comfort?

  DESDIVANKA

  Leave her unto her worries, gentle husband.

  Good Doctor Enos recommends a trip

  To cure her empty head of silly shame.

  LADY M.

  Ah yes, the Enos doctor told me that!

  His soothing presence hath so help’d my mind—

  Which, as you know, hath lately bother’d been—

  That I shall gladly heed his keen advice.

  MACTRUMP

  That’s right, to Mar-Iago we must go,

  Though I’d prefer my lovely daughter there.

  DESDIVANKA

  You have my fond affections, father-lord,

  And overwhelming love and loyalty,

  Yet, as you know, Lord Kushrew and myself

  Must make our own adventure speedily.

  MACTRUMP

  And whither are ye bound?

  KUSHREW

  —To North Korasia.

  MACTRUMP

  What?

  [Desdivanka glares at Kushrew.

  DESDIVANKA

  —Faith, we two shall meet with King John Ill.

  KUSHREW

  The man hath much to teach of leadership.

  MACTRUMP

  ’Tis true enow. At least, within his country,

  He doth not have to live with criticism.

  [To Desdivanka:] O, sweet one, prithee be thou not asham’d

  That thou wouldst go see King John Ill sans me.

  Thy strong ambitions know no height nor bound;

  I would do likewise, were I in thy place.

  DESDIVANKA

  Most humble thanks.

  MACTRUMP

  —And trav’lling mercies, too.

  [To Donnison and Ericson:] Now, boys, I see ye are in gear array’d?

  Bound are ye for another hunting trip?

  DONNISON

  Indeed we are!

  MACTRUMP

  —Yea, ’tis the spirit, sons!

  Your trip, I’ll wager, shall make you forget

  The Democrati wenches e’er existed.

  KUSHREW

  How did this trip of yours arise, my bros?

  DESDIVANKA

  I gave them both a choice: a trip, or exile

  With their half sister, trifling Tiffanay.

  [Aside:] How I do wish they’d pick’d the other course

  And chosen exile to some distant land.

  I cannot get them far enow away.

  KUSHREW

  Do share, then—whither shall ye go, my chums?

  MACTRUMP

  Upon safari, there to kill some rhinos.

  KUSHREW

  Are they not found atop th’endanger’d list?

  DONNISON

  Yea, which is half the fun!

  ERICSON

  —’Tis why it’s sport.

  ’Twould be too easy shooting common beasts.

  DONNISON

  I do confess great stirrings of excitement.

  ERICSON

  Wait ’til thou view’st the blunderbuss I’ve brought.

  DONNISON

  Hoo hoo! The hunt!

  ERICSON

  —We’re on the prowl again!

  MACTRUMP

  All your expenses paid by mine accounts—

  A price too small to see ye so engag’d.

  [A clock strikes.

  God’s wounds. Again? Are we to never leave?

  Enter GUARD.

  MACTRUMP

  At last! I thought the coach would never come.

  Do I have time to whiz before our flight?

  GUARD

  My Lord, Sir Robert of MacMueller knocks.

  MACTRUMP

  Hie quickly to the secret passages!

  [All exeunt in haste.

  Enter SIR ROBERT OF MACMUELLER.

  MACMUELLER

  How inquisition tires the human soul!

  I, verily, deserve a holiday.

  Great numbers of those in the circle of

  His grace—the president—were in my sights,

  Cut down withal indictment and arrest.

  Recall I when MacTrump did fire Dogcomey—

  It made the Deaf Beehive his enemy.

  Months later, I may say it’s been an honor

  Endeav’ring to discover truth through my

  Stern inquisition into Prussian meddling.

  And now, my body and my weary spirit

  Need time to mend for what I just have done—

  Delivering my last analysis.

  My last report unto Attorney Bardolph

  I’ve handed over, finishing my quest.

  Soon unto normal life I shall return,

  Delaying not a minute more than needed.

  Eyes ever on my back, harsh scrutiny—

  My work upon this case I shall not miss.

  Ere I depart, I’ve one last message, though,

  A special note for President MacTrump.

  Now that my obligation I’ve fulfill’d

  On such a public, vital case, I shall

  Relieve the burden of my conscience and

  Send him a message I do hope he’ll heed.

  Enter MACTRUMP, LADY MACTRUMP, DESDIVANKA, LORD JARED KUSHREW, DONNISON, and ERICSON above, on balcony, watching MACMUELLER.

  MACTRUMP

  Canst see him? What is it he doth below?

  DESDIVANKA

  He doth approach the door below us.

  MACTRUMP

  —Why?

  Would he, a single soldier, storm the White Hold?

  What villainy is this the man doth ply?

  ERICSON

  It seems he hath some satchel on his back.

  DONNISON

  Dost think he’s hither brought the whole report?

  LADY M.

  Alack, the moon hath sent its vicious hound!

  [MacMueller begins nailing a piece of paper to the door of the White Hold.

  DESDIVANKA

  It seems he posteth something on the door,

  As if the White Hold were a noticeboard.

  KUSHREW

  Has his report fit into so few pages?

  Methinks such summary is foolishness.

  ERICSON

  O Father, I’m afeard!

  [Ericson begins sucking his thumb.

  MACTRUMP

  —What’s writ thereon?

  KUSHREW

  ’Tis difficult to read from such a distance.

  I wish I had not star’d at the eclipse.

  [Donnison pulls out the binoculars from his hunting gear and looks through them.

  DONNISON

  Here! These shall help me read the message, Father.

  The missive seems innocuous enow;

  A small request is written thereupon—

  It seems he’d have you sign some file again.

  DESDIVANKA

  What? Give me that, thou dismal-dreaming lout!

  [She snatches the binoculars from Donnison and looks through them.

  MACTRUMP

  What seest? Is it hostile or benign?

  DESDIVANKA

  O, Father, steel your heart. It reads: “RESIGN.”

  [MacMueller picks up his satchel, prepares to leave, and then looks over his shoulder toward t
he balcony. The MacTrump family ducks quickly. Exeunt omnes.

  EPILOGUE.

  Enter MCTWEET.

  MCTWEET

  For now, our curtain sets upon the scene,

  The cheeps and peeps and chirrups silenc’d, calm.

  E’en birds do rest their speeding hearts at times,

  Their feathers fallow ’til another flight.

  Within this nest, the hurlyburly’s done,

  For many battles have been lost and won,

  And there shall be more with the rising sun.

  Inside our Globe, there is not time enow

  For these, our noble actors, to portray

  The other acts, the settings and the plots,

  The characters—their entrances and exits—

  Of our dramatic, troubl’d history.

  For now, then, be at peace with one another,

  And if ye should have need of quick McTweet,

  Remember, I am there to be your voice—

  Your plumèd messenger shall gladly sing

  Whate’er frustrations or complains you have

  As you behold our governmental woes.

  For now, let us return to greater things,

  And fly once more on better angels’ wings.

  [Exit.

  END.

  AFTERWORD.

  As with many collaborations, this one is made of several stories. Ian started his in 1977, and Giacomo Calabria (aka “Jacopo”) followed suit seven years later. Ian grew up in the ’80s, and Jacopo the ’90s. Ian watched G. I. Joe, and Jacopo watched X-Men. Ian played Nintendo, and Jacopo played Sega. We both loved The Simpsons and Star Wars and can recite The Princess Bride from memory. And yes, we’re both glad that being a nerd is cool these days.

  Enter England’s top nerd, William Shakespeare.

  In July 2018, Ian read Jacopo’s novel License to Quill, a James Bond/William Shakespeare mashup that was right up Ian’s alley. When the story ended, Ian found Jacopo online and sent him a message of appreciation. Jacopo, who was an admirer of Ian’s William Shakespeare’s Star Wars series, wrote back a few hours later. Our correspondence quickly developed into a friendship because we respected each other as both readers and writers.

  These conversations soon turned to collaboration. We’d both had ideas for a Shakespearean-style history play set in the modern era—specifically, during the presidential administration of Donald Trump. We developed a story that we called MacTrump, which was originally planned with two endings: one comic and one tragic. Given the ever-changing political climate, that story needed to be reworked regularly. Our manuscript became a living document. We even accidentally predicted the future a few times!

  We pitched our story to Quirk Books, and here we are.

  In many ways, this book is the natural combination of our separate lives and talents. Jacopo is a former staffer for the Barack Obama presidential campaign. Ian is the author of ten books written in Shakespeare’s style. We both brought to this project a deep interest in Shakespeare, politics, history, literature, and popular culture. We also had a decent understanding of how Shakespeare wrote his plays—with and without Christopher Marlowe’s help, it’s now safe to say. We traded scenes to write, edited everything together, and ended up with what is ultimately a representative mix of our viewpoints and writing styles. It is our closest approximation to the musings of a nonthreatening ghost of Shakespeare.

  We made many decisions along the way as we condensed so much history into a fictional five-act parody. You’ll notice that, with the exception of a czar named Putain, our story focuses almost entirely on domestic affairs. Characters had to be cut—members of Congress suffered the most in this regard. Conversely, we added references to historical figures, symbols, and literary works from U.S. history that we think Shakespeare would have included.

  In telling a modern story in a Shakespearean context, we had to decide how to handle anachronisms. We wanted to stay away from mentions of specific technology, but we did include objects, words, and expressions that didn’t exist in Shakespeare’s time. You won’t find a cell phone or a computer in our story, but you will find references to things that happened long after Shakespeare lived. Of course, Shakespeare had no problem including clocks in Julius Caesar or writing about the paranormal. We faced a complicated and captivating dilemma that forced us to explore questions that are, frankly, fun to ask: Would Shakespeare have used Twitter? Would he have been a hipster? Where would he buy his coffee? Would he have been a Slytherin? Would the Bard of Avon have been a fan of Game of Thrones? If so, how would he have streamed it: on a magic mirror or a writing tablet? Most important, what would Shakespeare have thought of the contemporary United States?

  Our hope is that this book allows you, the reader, to explore the first two years of the Trump presidency, so you can learn from it and laugh at it, no differently from the regulars in the Globe Theatre. We hope you remember the best and worst of those years, yes, but also reprocess them in a way that leaves you laughing—or at least thinking—instead of crying. Even Shakespeare’s darkest acts had life to them, and their beating heart echoes across the world’s stage every day.

  Inevitably, by the time you read this, even more history will have been made. Be assured that, whatever happens next, we will be on hand to reenvision it, mock it, and turn it into high drama as only Shakespeare—or, in this case, two Shakespeare nerds—could do.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

  FROM ID:

  Thank you to my Jennifer, spouse extraordinaire, and to my kids Liam and Graham—I hope your generation does better than mine. To my parents Bob and Beth Doescher, my brother Erik, his wife Em, and my nieces Aracelli and Addison. To Josh Hicks, Alexis Kaushansky, Tom George, Kristin Gordon George, Chloe Ackerman, Graham Steinke, Ethan Youngerman, Heidi Altman, Naomi Walcott, and Chris Martin. And to everyone else I name in every book—thank you all so, so much. And of course, to Giacomo, my coauthor extraordinaire, thank you for a whirlwind of collaboration that has been a true joy.

  FROM JDQ:

  My deepest thanks to Ian for surprising me with such kind words about License to Quill last year! I always admired you as a writer, but thank you for the added reasons to admire you as a friend, a writing partner, and a person. To my fiancée Taylor for her encouragement and musings, to my parents Joe and Anna, and all my family and friends. Special thanks to Ray Errol Fox, Jonathan Maberry, Dr. Rae Muhlstock and Dan, Geoffrey Sheehan, Edwin Thrower, the Frank J. Basloe Library, the Albany Public Library, everyone I worked with in 2008, and all my readers and followers.

  FROM BOTH OF US:

  To the team at Quirk Books, especially our editor Jhanteigh Kupihea, assistant editor Rebecca Gyllenhaal, publicity mavens Nicole De Jackmo and Ivy Weir, and copy phenom Jane Morley. To everyone who thinks we can, should, and must do better—let’s come together in 2020.

  SONNET 1202021

  “The Internet Is Yuge”

  My country, ’tis of thee this tale was writ,

  And though the story pauseth, life goes on.

  MacMueller did his narrative submit,

  Which makes the family MacTrump withdrawn.

  More of the story we’ll not tell for now,

  Until the history itself is made.

  Yet if some further hijinks you’ll allow,

  There’s more upon the internet display’d—

  Unto quirkbooks.com hie ye with pride,

  Where you may other interests pursue:

  There ye shall find MacTrump: The Readers Guide,

  And read an interview with authors two.

  Whether you sit to left or right of th’aisle,

  The Quirk Books website shall cause you to smile.

  www.quirkbooks.com/mactrump

  About the Authors

  Ian Doescher is the New York Times best-selling a
uthor of William Shakespeare’s Star Wars and the Pop Shakespeare series. He lives in Portland, Oregon, with his family.

  iandoescher.com

  Twitter: @iandoescher

  Jacopo della Quercia is the pseudonym for a former Obama staffer. He is the author of The Great Abraham Lincoln Pocket Watch Conspiracy and License to Quill, a scholar with the New York Council for the Humanities, and a history writer who has authored more than 100 articles for the comedy website Cracked.com.

  jacopodellaquercia.com

  Twitter: @jacopo_della_q

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