Loving Annie

by Anna Huckabee

  “Are you our new mama?” asked Ezra. “Are we supposed to call you ‘mama’?”

  “Only if you want to. You can keep calling me Miss Annie if you’d prefer,” Annie said.

  “I want to call you mama. I miss having one,” said Vivian. “Darren calls you mama.”

  Annie squeezed the baby in her arms and kissed his chubby cheek. He snuggled closer and sucked his thumb.

  “I’m not trying to replace your mama. No one could ever replace her. Your papa needs someone here with you all the time. I couldn’t stay here with you if your papa and I weren’t married. It wouldn’t be proper. So we decided to get married.”

  The room fell silent. Vivian slid down in her bed until her head rested on the pillow.

  “What do you usually do before bed?” asked Annie. The times she’d stayed with them when Coren was away had been unusual. She’d read them books or told stories. Now she wanted to participate in what was normal for them.

  “We tell stories about Mama,” said Ava, lifting her book to show Annie.

  “Good. Tell me your favorite story about your mama.”

  “Tell the one about how she made the best Christmas cookies,” said Vivian. “And we helped her cut them into shapes and took them to all the neighbors when they were baked.”

  “I think you just told it, Viv,” said Danny.

  The children went around the room and told stories. Darren fell asleep. Annie tucked him in bed. Vivian’s eyes were dropping, so Annie tucked her in, too.

  “I’m glad you’re my new mama,” said Vivian.

  Annie pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m happy to be able to love on you, Vivian.”

  Annie tucked Ezra and was surprised when he kissed her cheek. “I don’t mind kisses if they come from you,” he whispered, “but don’t tell Danny.”

  “I promise,” Annie whispered back. She brushed a kiss across his forehead, too.

  “Miss Annie,” Ava whispered when Annie reached her bed. “I don’t want a new mama. I wish I could have my old one back.”

  Annie sank onto Ava’s bed and wrapped her arms around the young girl. Ava stiffened for a moment, then relaxed into the hug. “Your mama was special. No one can ever replace her. I love hearing the stories you tell about her.”

  “I do like you,” Ava said. “I’m glad Papa married you. He’s right, we need someone here. I’m glad it’s going to be you.” Ava’s arms went around Annie’s waist in a hug.

  “Thank you, Ava. I like you, too. I’d even go so far as to say I love you.” Annie leaned back so she could meet the girl’s eyes.

  Ava beamed at her. “I know. I love you, too. Just not as much as my mama.”

  “I’m good with that,” said Annie. She squeezed Ava once more before she stood to leave the room.

  A quick survey of the children told her they were all asleep except Ava. Even Danny had gone to sleep the moment he closed his eyes. It had been a long day for them all.

  Annie’s stomach clenched with nerves. She didn’t know what Coren’s expectations were in their new relationship. She glanced into his bedroom at the bed he’d shared with his first wife. Annie wasn’t ready for that.

  She found him downstairs in the drawing room, staring out the window. Annie joined him in front of the window. A light snow was falling, turning the ground white and clinging to every limb on the bare trees.

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” he said when she reached his side.

  “It is,” Annie said. She hesitated. “The children are asleep. They’ll be pleased to see the snow when they wake up.”

  “Annie,” said Coren, “I’m planning to sleep on the couch in my office tonight. You can have the bed in my bedroom.”

  “I’d sleep better in the guest room. Then you could sleep in your own bed. The couch can’t be comfortable. I don’t see how you’d fit on it.”

  “The children won’t understand why you aren’t sleeping in my room.”

  “They already have so many questions and don’t understand what’s happened. What difference does one more thing make? I’m just relieved you don’t have…” Annie hesitated.

  “Expectations?” Coren asked.

  Annie shrugged her response.

  “I’m not ready for…some things, yet,” he said. He caught her hand and lifted it to his lips. “Thank you for understanding.”

  “I appreciate you being so understanding, too,” said Annie with a nervous laugh.

  The telephone rang. Coren left to answer it while Annie remained by the window and watched the snow. A few minutes later, she heard his footfalls behind her before he rejoined her.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been called away on our wedding night.”

  “I’m not sure it makes a lot of difference,” Annie said with a chuckle. “Besides, God knew you needed me to be here at night with your children. Be safe out there. It’s going to be cold.”

  Coren pressed a kiss to the top of Annie’s head before he disappeared into his office to gather his equipment.

  “Don’t wait up for me,” he said as he left. “Rest well, Annie.” Then he was gone into the snowy night.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Annie woke before dawn. She wondered if Coren had returned in the night. With her next breath, she wondered if the children were all right. She slipped out from under the warm blankets and shivered when her feet hit the chilly floor. The house felt warm enough but the floors were still cold. Annie wrapped her housecoat snuggly around her and stuck her feet in her slippers. She padded across the hall to peek at the sleeping children.

  She’d always had a strict routine on Sunday morning. For the first time in her life, she realized she’d need to deviate from it. She suspected the children weren’t accustomed to attending church. She didn’t even know if the weather would allow them to leave the house.

  Annie dressed quickly and warmly. She hurried downstairs to start breakfast and make a cup of tea she could enjoy before everyone woke up. One her way past the entryway, she saw Coren’s coat and hat on the hook. He’d arrived home sometime in the night.

  Annie carried her cup of tea to the drawing room. There, she watched the sky turn from gray, to blue, to pink, to orange. A few clouds lingered, but the snow had stopped. Everything was coated in a pure white blanket.

  Her thoughts strayed to the children upstairs. She wondered again if she should take them with her to church. What would Coren say? Would he even notice? She didn’t dare leave them here alone and unattended while he slept, but she couldn’t see any reason at all for them to stay home. She decided to bring it up at breakfast and see how they reacted.

  ∞

  “We’re going somewhere?” asked Danny, puzzlement written on his face. “We stay home on Sunday.”

  “We didn’t always stay home,” said Ava. “Papa used to take us to church when Mama was alive.”

  “Are you taking us because you’re our new Mama?” asked Vivian.

  Annie sighed, but Ava answered before Annie could say anything. “That’s not why she’s doing it, Viv. If she goes to church, she can’t leave us here by ourselves.”

  “What do you think about going to church, Ava?” Annie asked.

  “I liked going to church a long time ago. We went to Sunday School and Mama asked us questions about our lessons when we got home. She asked us about the sermon, too. Will we go to the church we were at yesterday?”

  “Yes,” said Annie. “I’ve attended there since I was a little girl. It isn’t far. We can walk, even if it’s cold.”

  “What about Papa?” asked Danny. “Is he coming, too?”

  “Your papa was called away last night. I don’t know when he got home. It must have been late. He’s still sleeping.”

  “I want to go,” said Ava. “We never go anywhere except the library and I miss going to church. We better hurry if we want to make it in time.”

  The controlled chaos that ensued went better than Annie expected. They washed dishes and dressed while Annie dressed Darre
n and collected what he’d need into a bag. She found the baby buggy, dusty and covered with cobwebs, in the front closet, so she gave Danny a cloth and had him wipe it down. They left the house with just enough time to get there before service started.

  Annie tried to ignore the curious looks she got as they filed into church. Her mother hurried over and sat with them for the service. Afterward, she helped Annie find Sunday School classes for everyone.

  “I didn’t know if you’d make it today,” said Pastor Morris as they left. “Coming on your own is different than getting five children ready in time.”

  Annie chuckled. “They all helped. They were pretty excited to come after yesterday.”

  “How is Dr. Winslow?” asked the pastor. “Will he be joining you in the future?”

  “I don’t know,” said Annie. “He was called out late last night and wasn’t awake when we left.”

  “Tell him we missed him,” Pastor said.

  Annie agreed with a smile and started for home. The sun had melted the snow off the sidewalks. Her mother accompanied her for the first few blocks. Vivian held Annette’s hand, while Ava followed with her brothers.

  Coren was waiting for them in the drawing room when they arrived home. Annie could see the strain around his eyes and knew he was upset.

  “Were you able to rest?” Annie asked, forcing a bright smile. “We hoped you could sleep while we were gone.”

  “Where did you go?” he asked.

  “Miss Annie took us to her church,” said Ezra. “We went to Sunday School, like we used to do when Mama was alive.”

  Annie watched Coren’s jaw clench and unclench, though she could see he was trying to force a smile.

  “Run upstairs and change out of your church clothes,” she told the children. As the older children pounded up the stairs, she carried Darren through to the kitchen to finish lunch.

  “You took them to church without asking me,” said Coren from his place in the kitchen door.

  “Yes,” said Annie without looking up from what she was doing. “Did you eat anything? Do you need a cup of tea?”

  “I’m fine. You didn’t have permission to take them to church.”

  Annie faced him, leaning her hip against the counter. “I attend church every week. My only options this week were to leave them here with you while you tried to sleep, which defeated the entire purpose of my presence in your household. Or, I could take them with me, which I decided wouldn’t hurt them at all. They told me you used to go when Sarah was alive.”

  “That isn’t the point.”

  “Then what is the point, Coren? Am I to give up church attendance because we’re married and you don’t allow it?”

  Coren sagged against the door frame. “No. I wouldn’t ask that of you. Why didn’t you talk with me about it first?”

  “You were sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you.”

  “What about last night?”

  “I didn’t think about it until after you’d left.” Annie took a deep breath. “I won’t take them if you don’t want me to. But they all acted like they enjoyed it.”

  “I’m not ready to go to church, Annie.” Coren’s eyes held an anguish that wrenched Annie’s heart.

  “I’m not asking you to be ready. Let me take the children. They miss it.”

  “I’ll think about it,” said Coren.

  Annie didn’t respond. At least he wasn’t yelling like he’d done when she first met him. She pulled dishes from the cupboards to set the table. “Is there anything else I need to know? Do you all celebrate Christmas?”

  “Sarah loved Christmas. I hadn’t given the holiday much thought. She usually took care of everything.”

  “Do you mind if we celebrate it this year? I know the children will ask as the holiday approaches.”

  Coren responded with a short nod. “You’ll find boxes of decorations in the attic. Ava knows where they are and she can help you. The children can tell you how they want to celebrate this year.”

  ∞

  Coren retreated to his office. It felt like a sanctuary most days. Today, however, it felt like a true retreat. He listened to the children return to the kitchen. He heard them chattering and laughing. Instead of enjoying the sound, he felt guilt. He’d abandoned Annie in there with them. He abandoned her with them most of the time.

  He’d abandoned everything after Sarah died. His children. Church. God. He’d contemplated abandoning life.

  He couldn’t go back in the kitchen and tell Annie she could attend church but she had to leave the children at home. He knew he couldn’t stay home knowing they’d gone to church. But he didn’t want to go to church.

  Coren sighed and wrenched the office door open. He stalked back into the kitchen and took his seat at the head of the table. Everyone fell silent.

  “I wasn’t sure if you were going to join us, so I saved you a plate of food,” Annie said. She stood and retrieved it from the oven.

  “Thank you,” he murmured.

  “My teacher said Mary wasn’t even married when she found out she was having a baby,” Danny said. “I told her people can’t have kids if they aren’t married. Isn’t that right, Miss Annie?”

  Annie’s eyebrows shot up and her gaze met Coren’s “You get to handle this one,” she said.

  “Mary was a special situation,” Coren answered. “God made it possible for her to have a baby, even though she didn’t have a husband. It only happened that one time.”

  “Are you and Miss Annie going to have a baby now that you’re married?”

  Annie flushed deep red and choked on her bite of food. Coren found himself fighting an inappropriate grin threatening to spread across his face.

  But it was Ava who spoke. “People have to love each other if they want to have a baby.”

  Coren’s heart broke at his daughter’s tone of voice and all thought of mirth faded. “It isn’t quite that simple, Ava.”

  Ava pushed her food around her plate and wouldn’t meet his eyes. “You married Miss Annie so we’d have someone to look after us, not because you love each other.”

  “True,” said Coren.

  “Can’t you try to like her, Papa,” said Ava. “She’s really nice.”

  “I do like her, Ava.”

  “You yell at her a lot.”

  Guilt flooded Coren. He felt like he should rebuke his daughter for her disrespect. But he didn’t have the heart. He knew her words were true.

  “I’m sorry for yelling at Miss Annie, children,” he said, meeting each of their eyes in turn. “We’re still getting used to each other. We have to grow accustomed to the way we each do things. We have to learn about each other.

  “I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t like her. You’ll have to be patient with us while I get used to being married to a woman who isn’t your mama.”

  “I think she’s a good mama,” said Vivian.

  “You need to finish eating, Vivian. It’s time for a nap,” said Annie. On cue, Darren yawned and reached for Annie.

  “What about church?” Danny asked. “We liked it. Miss Annie’s church is nice. It’s better than the church we went to with Mama.”

  Annie’s eyebrows shot up again. She buried her face in Darren’s hair. Coren could see amusement dancing behind her eyes.

  “You can go with Annie. I’ll come as often as I can,” Coren said. He watched Annie’s response to his words.

  Her eyes met his over the top of Darren’s head. Were those tears in her eyes?

  Thank you, she mouthed.

  ∞

  Annie put the youngest two children down for their nap. She returned to the kitchen to clean up from lunch. The table had been cleared and wiped and Coren stood at the sink washing dishes.

  “You don’t have to do those,” she said hurrying to his side. “I was coming back to clean up the kitchen.”

  “I’ve been thinking,” said Coren without relinquishing the dishcloth, “Danny is right. I haven’t been very kind to you. You’ve give
n up everything for me and the children. I’ve yelled at you.”

  “You didn’t yell at me today.”

  “I came close. It isn’t fair to you or to them.” Coren faced her, leaning his hip against the counter. “I’ve made all these bad habits and can’t seem to break out of them.”

  Annie stared up at him. His cool hazel eyes studied her face. She wondered what it would be like if he liked her — no, loved her. Would they hold more warmth, more feeling?

  “I made promises to you yesterday, and I’ve already broken them today,” Coren continued. He cupped Annie’s cheek in his hand.

  “I haven’t done so great, either,” Annie said with a short laugh. “I knew you might not want the children to go with me this morning, but I took them anyway.”

  “I should have been taking them to church all these months. It’s my responsibility, not yours. I’ve been a poor example to them.”

  Annie sighed and leaned against his hand. If he gave her even the slightest encouragement, she knew she could love Coren.

  Coren dropped his hand and returned to the dishes. Its warmth lingered on Annie’s cheek. She picked up a dishtowel and began drying the dishes he’d washed and put them away. They finished the task in silence. Coren emptied the dishpan outside and draped the cloth over the edge of the sink. He waited for Annie to hang her dishtowel on its hook. His arms wrapped around Annie and he pulled her close. His chin rested on her head. Annie thrilled at his touch, his embrace. She wrapped her arms around him. Her body fit perfectly against his. Surely he could feel it too?

  He didn’t hold her long, and Annie missed him as soon as he pulled away.

  He smiled down at her. “Ava’s correct, you are very nice.”

  Annie was pretty sure he didn’t mean those words the way she was beginning to hope he would.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Mama and I put the Christmas decorations in this corner last year. Aunt Kathryn must have put these other boxes in front of them.” Ava pointed to a pile of crates filled with baby clothes.

  Annie had never needed to climb up to the attic before. The pitched ceiling was tall enough where she could stand in the middle, but she had to hunch over on the edges where the boxes were stored. Ava could still stand upright.