The Gamble

by Kristen Ashley

  “She call?” Brody went on. He’d walked swiftly and come to a stop in front of Max and me. His face was a stony mask of worry.

  “No, Brody, what’s happening?” Max replied. His body had gone tight and alert at my side.

  “You?” Brody turned to me. “See or hear from her?”

  I shook my head and said, “No.”

  “Jesus, Brody, what the fuck’s happening?” Max asked, his voice getting hard, not with anger, with what I saw in Brody’s face.

  Brody reached behind him and pulled a folded piece of paper out of the back pocket of his jeans as Becca made it to us and Jeff was jogging up.

  “Slipped that under the door to her apartment while I was out this mornin’,” Brody told Max as he handed him the paper.

  But I was staring at Becca’s face and Becca was staring at the paper like it was going to grow claws and strike out at her and that grip on my insides not only tightened, it twisted.

  I forced my eyes away from Becca, looked down at the paper in Max’s hand and read.

  Brody,

  I know what you’re going to think but you don’t know.

  I can’t get clean.

  And I need to get clean.

  Every time I think I can go back to who I was before, I think I can forget, I think I can go forward, it fills my head and I remember how dirty I am.

  I need to get clean.

  And I know how.

  After last night, I know I can do it. I’ve been thinking about it and no time seemed to be the right time but I know I can do it now.

  You told me you were happy in your job, you love Seattle and Mom and Dad are moving to Arizona and they’ve wanted to do that for so long. And Max found Nina and she’s sweet and they’re happy together. So I can do it now, everyone I love is happy. I know now it’s all good.

  We had such a great night last night, the perfect ending, now I can go.

  Tell Becca not to be mad at me and tell her I listened all those times we talked but she doesn’t get it either. She doesn’t understand what it feels like to wash and wash and wash and never feel clean.

  So I’m going to the only place that can make me clean, crystal clear, fresh and clean.

  You don’t be mad at me either, Brody. Please try to understand.

  Tell Mom and Dad, Max and Becca I love them, okay?

  And I love you too.

  xoxo Mins

  “It’s a suicide note,” Becca whispered but I knew that. I knew it. I knew it reading it and I knew it because I’d stopped breathing and I knew it because I’d read one before and I knew it because that grip on my insides felt like a vice and I felt that before too. “She talked about it to me, I asked her to go see someone.” Becca’s voice dropped to nearly nothing. “She promised she would.”

  “We got boys high and low lookin’ for her,” Jeff put in and his voice sounded tight.

  I felt Mom, Steve and Cotton had gotten close but they stayed quiet, correctly reading the atmosphere.

  I didn’t look at anyone. I was simply staring at the note still held up in Max’s hand.

  “Fuck!” Brody hissed. “She was okay last night, laughin’, eatin’, drinkin’ –”

  “Crystal clear and fresh,” I whispered, cutting Brody off.

  “What?” Max asked and I watched the note disappear as his hand dropped away and his body turned to me as his arm curled me to his front.

  I looked up into Max’s handsome face wearing a replica of Brody’s stony concern. “Crystal clear and fresh,” I repeated. “She said that to me when I was giving her a facial. She used those words to describe someplace she really likes, someplace on the river. She said the water was always clear there, you could always see right down to the bottom. Crystal clear and –”

  “Holling’s Bend,” Max said, his neck twisting to look at Brody and then he suddenly let me go and he was running.

  Not thinking, I ran with him, Brody did too, around the house and up the incline toward the barn.

  Brody was yelling as he ran. “Jeff, take the road, scan the river as you go!”

  They pulled ahead and I watched Max yank open the barn door on a mighty heave and disappear inside. I ran into the cold darkness to see him squatting in front of an open cupboard door. He twisted a knob on a safe, pulled it open and I saw some keys hanging inside. He grabbed a set, turned and tossed them to Brody. Brody caught them and ran to an ATV. Max grabbed another set and ran to the other ATV.

  He got on and, as he was slipping the key into the ignition, I climbed on behind him.

  He twisted and clipped, “Nina.”

  “Go!” I yelled. “Go, go, go!”

  He delayed no further, twisted back, started the ATV, turned sharply in the barn and shot out behind Brody.

  Max either was more experienced on the ATV or knew the terrain better, maybe both, but even with me holding tight to his waist, we passed Brody. The wind, chill on the ATV and me not wearing a jacket, whipped our bodies and hair and we were going fast, too fast, scary fast and I didn’t notice.

  The wheels left earth as we flew over a rise then landed with a bone-jarring thud which made me glad I was holding onto Max for dear life. We barreled down it, heading toward the narrow, now muddy track running the side of the river that Max and I took on the snowmobile.

  My heart in my throat hammering uncontrollably, I scanned the river as it flew by at our sides.

  My eyes were on the river but my mind was on Mindy putting her hand to my window and giving me that funny, little smile. That funny, little smile I was too stupid, stupid, stupidly drunk to read. Max had asked me to take it easy on the drink, he’d told me she had bad moments, I’d even bloody seen them. But did I listen, did I read the signs, signs I’d seen but didn’t read before with Charlie?

  No. No, I didn’t.

  Then we neared the bend and I saw her. Max did too.

  “God fucking dammit,” he clipped and even with the wind, I heard the alarm and anger clear in his gravelly voice.

  He hadn’t stopped the ATV when I jumped off and started running straight to the steep incline that fell down to the river.

  “Nina!” Max shouted but I didn’t pause and went over the side, running hell bent for my darling girl floating face down, her body caught in some reeds and butting against some rocks, her long hair a darkened, strawberry blonde web drifting eerily all around her.

  I lost my footing and fell to a knee, sliding down the incline on my lower side to the bottom. I felt the rocks and gravel scoring at my thigh, hip and calf but the pain didn’t register. The minute my feet touched earth I ran again, straight to Mindy, straight into the water and I heard Max shout my name again.

  I ignored it and slid along the slippery stones under my feet, the snow melt water rushing all around me and the river floor fell away faster than I expected. The water was shocking in its bitter chill but I kept going. I was up to my breasts when I got to her.

  Flipping her around, I slipped my arms under her armpits and started backwards, pulling her along with me which was difficult to do fighting against the mighty tug of the rushing river. I hit something and knew it was Max when I felt his arms hook under mine, anchoring me to him as I was anchoring Mindy to me.

  We were waist high when Brody was there, he lifted her up in his arms and troughed through the water with long, determined strides. Max’s arm went along my back, hand under my armpit, holding me close as he turned us and part walked, part dragged me back to the bank.

  Brody had Mindy on her back and he was on his knees at her side, bent over her, ear to her mouth when Max hauled me out of the river and we made it to them.

  Then his torso shot up to straight, his eyes going to Max. “She ain’t breathin’.”

  Without hesitation I dropped to my knees and thanked all that was holy I volunteered to go to that First Aid class, even though at the time I could have done without it because my caseload was heavy. Now, if this ended better than it looked like it would, I was personally going to
hunt down my instructor and give him a huge, bleeding, kiss.

  Positioning my hands like I was taught, I put them to Mindy’s chest and counted out loud with each compression.

  Then I moved to her mouth, opened it, stuck my finger inside to make sure nothing was there, tilted her head back, pinched her nose, put my mouth to hers and exhaled my breath into her body.

  Back to the chest compressions, counting down.

  Then I moved to Mindy’s mouth, pinched her nose and exhaled.

  Back to the compressions.

  Back to Mindy’s mouth.

  Then back.

  Then back.

  And again.

  And again.

  “Goddammit, Mindy,” I shouted when she lay there lifeless, no longer counting out loud with my compressions but doing them all the same. “Don’t let him beat you!”

  Then I went to Mindy’s mouth.

  Back to the compressions.

  And back.

  And again.

  “Nina,” Max whispered, dropping down beside me in a squat, I felt his hand at my back.

  I looked up to see Brody standing; his hands were both on the top of his head. He was staring down at Mindy and me, his expression ravaged.

  I ignored Max and Brody and bent to Mindy’s mouth.

  Then back to the compressions.

  “Baby,” Max was still whispering.

  “When’s Jeff getting here?” I snapped then went to Mindy’s mouth.

  Then back to the compressions.

  “Nina, honey,” Max whispered, my eyes went to him, I felt my heart in my throat, the tears in my eyes and I kept up the compressions.

  Mindy choked.

  My head jerked down and she was choke-coughing, the sound both heinous and beautiful, her hands lifting weakly before falling away and I moved her to her side as water flooded out her mouth.

  “Get it out, darling,” I cooed, bending close to her, pulling the wet hair from her face and neck. “Get it all out.”

  Liquid poured from her mouth and she kept choking, tipping her head forward, curling into herself after it was all gone.

  “Mins,” Brody was now squatting and he pulled her torso into his arms when she was simply spluttering. “Babe,” he whispered, his hand cupping the back of her head, pressing it to his neck as his other arm held her close.

  Jeff ran up to us. “Jesus, fuck, is she okay?”

  Brody looked up at him. “Call an ambulance.”

  “No,” Mindy whispered, her voice rough, “no.”

  “Babe, Mins, we gotta –” Brody started.

  “They all know about me,” Mindy said weakly into his neck. “They know everything. They all know. I don’t want them to know this.”

  “The house,” Max ordered, squatted and put a hand under Mindy’s knees, an arm at her back and stood, pulling her out of Brody’s arms and lifting her, striding away, still talking. “Jeff, you drive her to the house, Nina will ride with her.”

  “I’ll ride with her,” Brody declared as Max climbed the steep incline with Mindy in his arms as if he did it every day for his workout. Brody and Jeff managed it too. I slipped and slid but not as badly as I did coming down.

  “You take the ATV back with me, Nina’s got her,” Max ordered as he made it to the top and marched to the police vehicle.

  “Max –”

  Max stopped and turned to Brody. “Trust me, Nina’s got her.”

  Then with Mindy in his arms, he used his hand to open the door and slid Mindy in the back. Without hesitation the moment Max stepped away, I climbed up next to her and pulled her into my arms. She didn’t put her arms around me but she cuddled closer.

  I looked at Max and nodded. “We’re good.”

  Max closed the door. Jeff slid in the front, turned the ignition and reversed down the narrow track so fast, all the hairs would have risen on my head if I wasn’t concentrating on Mindy.

  “You with me, sweetheart?” I asked her but she didn’t respond.

  Jeff found a clearing he could execute a three-point turn in and he did so then raced down the narrow, one-lane track.

  “Mindy, darling, you with me?” I repeated.

  “Yeah,” she whispered.

  I snuggled her closer, moved my lips to her ear and there I promised on a whisper that was only for her, “You and me, we’ll find a way to make you feel clean. You and me. Yes? We’ll find a way.” My arms tightened around her and I finished. “Just not that way.”

  She didn’t answer and I smoothed the wet hair away from her face, down her back, my other arm holding her tight.

  We made it to the front of Max’s house at the same time the ATVs came into view, proving Jeff wasted no time getting us home. My door was pulled open and I jumped out, Jeff reached in and his arms went around Mindy but I didn’t watch.

  I turned and ran to Mom who, with Cotton, Steve and Becca were running down the steps as Max and Brody both shut off their ATVs at the bottom.

  “Thank God,” Becca breathed but my eyes were on my mother.

  “Mom, run up to Max’s bathroom and run a warm bath, okay?” I asked, she nodded and ran into the house. I looked to Cotton. “You know a doctor who’ll come out here but won’t talk in town?”

  “Yeah, darlin’,” Cotton replied, eyes glued to Jeff and Mindy.

  “Call him,” I ordered and turned to Jeff. “Take her upstairs.”

  Jeff was already nearing the door. I followed Jeff in the house and up the stairs and Max and Brody followed me.

  Jeff set Mindy on her feet in the bathroom where Mom was on her knees beside the tub, her hand under the faucet, her other hand controlling the taps.

  “Can you stand, honey?” Jeff asked gently and Mindy turned her head away but her legs buckled and Jeff’s arms went back around her.

  “I got her,” Brody said, pushing forward.

  The bathroom was not small. It had good space, a bathtub, separate shower, sink built into a marble-tiled vanity and a sauna.

  Still, with Mom, me, Mindy and three hulking mountain men, it was a close fit.

  “Boys, out,” Mom demanded before I could do it.

  “She’s my sister and I don’t even know who you are,” Brody shot back and my eyes went to Max.

  “Brody,” Max said low and came forward too.

  I went to Mindy.

  “That’s my Mom, Brody, and we have this, okay?” I asked, nodding to Jeff that I had Mindy when my arms went around her and she transferred her weight to me.

  I had to brace my legs but I took on Mindy as Mom got to her feet and moved in our direction.

  Brody stayed planted.

  I looked to Max and said, “Max, darling, get Brody to give us some time and send Becca up here, please?”

  Max nodded and put a hand on Brody that Brody shrugged off.

  “She’s my sister!” he shouted and Mindy flinched in my arms.

  “Brody, man, pull your shit together and think about the last twenty minutes. Nina’s fuckin’ got this. Yeah?” Max was still talking low.

  Brody glared at him. Then he glared at me. Then, when Jeff silently moved out, Brody followed him.

  Max’s eyes stayed on me until I nodded to him, he nodded back and then he followed Brody.

  “Okay, Mindy, sweetie, I’m Nellie, Nina’s Mom and I’m going to help you, all right?” Mom said to Mindy. “Now, let’s get these wet clothes off, sweetheart. Can you help us?”

  “It won’t work, I can’t get clean,” Mindy told Mom but she slowly lifted her arms, her wrists limp, hands dangling and I held her upright as Mom pulled off her sweater.

  “Your problem, sweetheart, is you’re trying to get clean when you already are,” Mom informed her and then bent at her feet.

  Becca came in and I could tell she had been crying and was currently on the verge of returning to her tears.

  Feebly, Mindy’s eyes went to her friend.

  “I’m sorry,” Mindy said.

  “I’m sorry too, sorry I didn’t ta
ke better care of you,” Becca replied, keeping her emotions together, moving forward, dropping down to her knees to help Mom with Mindy’s shoes. “Let’s get you warmed up.”

  They got off her boots, socks and jeans but when Mom moved to the tub and Becca moved to her undies, Mindy cried, “No!”

  “We gotta get you warmed up,” Becca told her.

  “No! I don’t take them off, just to change them. I shower in them,” Mindy said and at this horrifyingly sad news my eyes went to Becca to see hers were on me.

  “Then in you go with your undies on,” Mom decreed, moving from the now filled bath to Mindy.

  We helped her in and I said to Mom, “My shampoo and conditioner are in the shower stall, can you get them?”

  “Sure thing, Neenee Bean,” Mom replied before scurrying off.

  “I’m not strong like you,” Mindy mumbled and I looked from Mom to her and dropped down to my knees by the tub.

  “What, darling?” I asked.

  She was shivering in the tub, her arms crossed on her chest, fingers curled around her shoulders, eyes glued to her toes.

  “You’re strong. I’m not.”

  “Mins,” I whispered and her head twisted to look at me.

  “You don’t let anyone walk all over you. I’ll never be that way.”

  If she hadn’t already broken my heart, that would have done it.

  “We’ll talk later,” I told her. “Let’s get you warm.”

  Mom handed me my shampoo and conditioner. I set it on the side of the tub and I moved down the tub to grab the hand spray in order to get to work on Mindy’s hair.

  “I’ll get this, you go get out of those wet clothes,” Mom said, bending toward me.

  “I’m fine,” I replied. “Mins, lean your head forward for me, will you?”

  Mindy did what I asked but Mom got closer.

  “Sweetie, you’re soaked through and shivering, go change your clothes, you can come back to Mindy in a second.”

  Mindy turned toward me and her eyes hit me but I smiled at her, realizing for the first time I was, indeed, shivering mostly because I was chilled straight through to the bone likely because I’d been in a snow melt rushing river and also because of all that had recently transpired. I also realized then that my clothes felt like they weighed a ton.