by J. M. Nevins
She finally opened her eyes and faced him. “Ok. How long has this been going on?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “A few weeks, maybe.”
She shook her head and knew better. She couldn’t hold back her snarky tone. “A few months, maybe?”
He sighed and nodded, ashamed and unable to face her. “Yeah.” He shook his head. “I spun out, Kit. I could cast blame and say it’s because you weren’t out there with me, but I know that’s not the truth. I could blame it on a crazy-ass tour, but that’s not true either. This has been going on a while. I just don’t know how to cope with the life I have and who the world expects me to be now. It’s a level beyond anything I could have ever imagined and it’s deeply unsettling to me. I’m sorry.”
She started pacing. She felt tremendously overwhelmed. This was an agreement they made when they married. No more drugs—ever again. He was in gross violation. She had turned the other cheek, pretending not to see too many times. The realization that she was enabling him to continue this behavior washed over and she felt nauseated. She knew that it was time to break the pattern.
A moment of deep clarity washed over her. She realized that she felt exhausted. Exhausted of taking care of him and his career. Exhausted of fixing everyone. Exhausted of fighting to keep a marriage going that had been a struggle for the last two years. Exhausted of pretending that everything was fine. She knew she wasn’t fine. Far from it.
She was in physical and emotional pain that was undeniable and her patience had finally worn thin. In that moment, it felt like something deeply rooted was breaking inside of her. Something final. It was time to get real. It was time to make some changes. Big ones. Sully’s voice snapped her back into the moment.
His eyes searched hers. “Say something. What’s going through that mind of yours, babe?”
She turned to face him and spoke coolly. “On second thought, I think it is time for you to go back out on the road. Finish the tour. Close it out.”
He looked puzzled. “You aren’t upset?”
She raised her eyebrows and was unable to contain her rage. “Upset? About what? You taking over like a fucking tyrant? Or maybe you snorting half your daily income up your nose?” A sarcastic chuckle escaped as she shook her head. “Or maybe, just maybe it’s you blowing out of town the week after I get released from the hospital where I almost lost my life?” She chuckled again. “I dunno. So many possibilities, how can I choose just one?”
She shook her head and met his eyes. “Tell me, why would I be upset, Patrick? It’s not like talking this out will change things, right? We both know that by now. We’ve done that before and newsflash, it clearly didn’t work. Your behavior as of late has been pretty consistent of that with a self-obsessed, entitled, egomaniacal dictator.” She held her finger up to him to make her point. “Oh, and I’m not upset—I’m fucking livid.” Her green eyes narrowed dangerously.
She folded her arms in front of her chest. “Answer this question for me. Do you have a cocaine addiction?”
He swallowed hard, shifted his feet again and chuckled uneasily. “Addiction? Ooh, now that’s a heavy word. I wouldn’t call it that.” He vehemently shook his head in refute.
He started to pace as he ran his fingers through his mane, frustrated. He glanced over at her. “This tour has been a fucking nightmare. You know that. It’s been massive—too massive.” He shook his head again, a subconscious way of dismissing his behavior was wrong. “The blow gets me through.”
He then approached her, and stood right in front of her, staring her down, sticking his chest out proudly and asserting himself arrogantly. “I can fix this. I can stop anytime. I only have a three and a half months left of this tour. After that, I’m done with it—forever. And maybe the band too. I dunno.” He threw his hands up in the air.
Unconvinced, she rolled her eyes. She folded her arms in front of her chest again. “Famous last words. You’re talking out of your ass at this point, O’Sullivan. I don’t know what’s truth from you or what’s fiction. And I’m not even sure if you know either.”
His steel-blue eyes narrowed and he pointed at her accusingly. “You shouldn’t be laying into me. You’re the one who hasn’t told me shit about this shooter. I’ve heard it from Giselle, from Spencer, even my mom, but you haven’t once come clean with me and told me about this guy. This fucking dangerous ex-boyfriend who could have killed both of us! And how long ago was he an ex? Have you been screwing around on me while I’ve been out on the road? Was he part of your sordid past before moving to L.A? Did you decide you could rekindle that shit while I’m on the road and it took a turn for the worst? Huh? Is that it?”
Kit sighed. Part of her felt stunned he went there, yet another part wasn’t the least bit surprised. She felt disappointed. Either paranoia was taking over his mind or he was projecting. She suddenly realized that his addiction may not be the only nail in coffin of their marriage. She regretfully recalled learning from Sean about Sully and groupies on the tour.
She stared at him. “I can assure you that I wasn’t cheating on you with Darren or anyone for that matter. Darren was an ex-boyfriend from when I lived in Philly. Long before I ever met you. We can get into that another time. I really don’t feel like talking about the man that tried to kill me… twice.
She shook her head. “But since you brought up cheating, this is the perfect time for you to come clean. Let’s just put it all out on the table, shall we?” Her green eyes narrowed. “And don’t lie to me, Patrick. I can read you like a book.”
He exhaled and shifted his eyes away from hers. He shook his head. “I need a fucking drink. Can you make me a drink? I’ll be right back.”
As he was heading out of the room, she knew exactly where he was headed and called after him. “Make sure to wipe it off your nose when you’re done, babe.”
She let out a long sigh, not pleased with herself for the snide remark. This was not her finest hour. This was years of bottled up grievances that were never aired.
She was seething with resentment and was doing her best to stay even keeled. She grabbed the back edge of the sofa to steady herself and squeezed her eyes shut. She felt weak and knew she should head back up to bed.
Sully returned to the room moments later oblivious to Kit’s strained condition. He glanced over at her. “Sean and Giselle want to have another meeting about the tour right now, so…”
Her eyes fluttered open with a start and she nodded, straining to regain her focus. “Great and they can wait.”
He shook his head and headed toward the bar. He quickly made a Jack Daniels and Coke and gulped it down. He then approached her and stood in front of her. His eyes met hers and she felt herself tense up.
She didn’t like the look. He was sky high. She remembered the look all too well. She had seen it before years ago. She then noticed his demeanor shift and it confused her.
He sighed and started. “Listen, Kit, I’ve done things on tour I’m not proud of.” He sniffled and stared into her eyes. “I was spending way too much time with groupies and for the most part it was under control for most of the tour. By that I mean nothing happened except some shameless flirting and heavy duty innuendos—all of which happened backstage in full public view. But there was one…”
She felt anxiety surging through her, bracing herself for what was coming next. Memories of Sully and Phoebe flooded her existence. She couldn’t help feeling that history was about to repeat itself, except now it was worse—they were three and a half years into their marriage. When he was with Pheobe, they weren’t together.
She swallowed hard and nodded. “Ok and?”
He shook his head as he met her eyes. Kit could see the shame and guilt that was plaguing him as he continued. He sighed. “We were physical backstage and by that, I mean we were making out—everything was above the neck. I may have kissed her, but I didn’t touch her. I left with her—took her back to my room. I was drunk and really high. I did a few lines and I started making out with
her again. Things were getting heated. She wanted to give me a blowjob and I had a moment of clarity—I started to panic. I couldn’t stop thinking about you and how I was fucking up big time. I was starting to back away.”
He nodded. “Then there was a knock at the door. Relieved, I answered it quickly and Jay was there. I had left my cell phone in my dressing room at the arena and he was bringing it by. I told him to come in. Once he walked in, I made up some stupid story that I had to talk to Jay about something tour related and asked her to leave.”
He looked relieved as he continued. “Luckily, Jay caught on and told her to wait outside and he would escort her out. He did and that was the end of that. There was no more groupie shit anywhere near my dressing room or hotel room after that. Nothing. Just flirting backstage in the green room.”
His troubled eyes met hers. “And I know that’s bad enough, but I can assure you that there hasn’t been any sex or anything remotely close to it with anyone except you since we got back together years ago before we married. Kit, it will always be that way.”
He sighed and shook his head, looking away. “I continued to party even harder after that incident. I felt guilty. I was ashamed I let it get that far. And I was able to keep things together and resist the blow for a bit, but my drinking got out of control. Then the blow crept back in. A line here, a bump there and that turned into more.”
His looked remorseful as he stared into her eyes. “Then you got shot. With that, I spiraled out again. I feel like telling you sorry is not enough, Kit. You’re the love of my life. I’ve been a horrible husband to you. I want to make this right. I don’t know how yet, but I promise you, I will.”
His eyes welled up with tears again, prompting Kit to start crying. She could see the vulnerability and pain in his eyes. A myriad of emotions overtook her. She felt unsettled about his account with the groupie, but relieved it wasn’t what she thought. She couldn’t dismiss her intense disappointment he had fallen into the throws of a full blown addiction again without confiding in her about it until now.
Numbness took over and the tears stopped. She didn’t even know how to begin to process this. She suddenly felt relieved he would be gone for the next three and a half months. She needed the time to figure out her next steps.
She came to the sad realization that her marriage was in shambles. She didn’t blame it all on him, she knew she could have approached certain situations differently. Still, as he stood there before her looking like a shell of a man, vulnerable, raw, crying like a baby, she felt a deep love for him that surprised her. Her compassionate heart couldn’t stand seeing him suffer. She pulled him to her and held him as they cried together.
He buried his head in the crick of her neck and chanted his apologies over and over again, muffled. She stroked his back and kissed him.
He pulled back and sniffled. “I don’t deserve you.”
She stared at him, unable to mask the hurt in her eyes. She knew he was right, yet she couldn’t form the words verbally to agree with him. She felt herself pull back emotionally and put up a front to keep herself from completely crumbling in his presence.
He sensed the shift immediately and tilted his head. “Kit, please say something. How do we fix this?”
She sighed and struggled to keep her voice from trembling and blowing her cover of just how disheartened she was.
She spoke evenly. “We don’t. Sully, I got shot a little over two weeks ago. Three people almost lost their lives in that office right around the corner, including me. I was bleeding out on that floor in that office over there you so thoughtlessly held a meeting in today.”
She shook her head in disbelief. “You really don’t get it. And I’m sick of giving you a hall pass. At this point, I think it’s best if we separate personally and professionally. I don’t think this marriage is working anymore for either of us. Clearly our working relationship isn’t gelling either. I’ll have my resignation letter out to Spencer later today. You can continue on as manager or whoever. My contract term is up anyway and we hadn’t had a chance to discuss with the band if extending it was in the best interest for everyone. It isn’t. I can see that now. And this house… this fucking house!”
She threw her hands in the air, feeling frustrated. She let out a defeated sigh. “I want nothing to do with it anymore. Too many memories. Too many fucking ghosts. I want to lease it out. Someone else can live here.”
He interjected, his steel-blue eyes desperate. “But Kit, our studio is here. A studio where we made multi-platinum Grammy award winning records. This is our home and it’s been our home for the last six years.”
Her green eyes narrowed ominously. “Do you really think I want to live or work here after what happened to me? Jesus, Sully! Wake the fuck up!” She swallowed hard before continuing. “I think a separation is the best thing for us right now. I need some time… to heal… to get things straight… for me, ‘cuz clearly we are not on the same page.”
Feeling tremendously vulnerable and exposed, she grappled to come up with a way of shutting down the conversation quickly before he could pose a rebuttal. She met his eyes and pointed at him, retorting flatly, “And you have a tour to finish.”
His eyes widened and panic enveloped him as he took in the gravity of her words. He searched her eyes and knew she meant it. She wasn’t playing around anymore. This wasn’t a threat, it was a reality. He had pushed her too far this time.
Desperate to win her reconsideration, he dropped to one knee and grabbed her hand, tears flooding his eyes again. “No, no, no. Kit, please, no. I’m so sorry. I love you. Please… no.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head, clinging to her as he leaned forward and rested his cheek on her hand, mumbling softly. “I’m so sorry. Please, no.”
Although rage and deep hurt were swirling inside of her like a destructive cyclone, she wasn’t enjoying seeing Sully’s heart break in front of her. She knew what she was doing was right for her. It wasn’t the easy choice, it was the necessary choice. It was time for big changes.
She shook her head and gently spoke. “Sully, let go, please. C’mon, get up.”
He did as she requested and she opened her arms to him. He fell into her arms again and let go in heaving sobs, desperate to come up with the right words through his tears. “What can I do? I’ll do anything, just give me another chance. I want us to be strong together again like we used to be. Please.”
She pulled back and took his face into her hands. “It’s too little too late for that. I already told you what’s in my heart. It’s not up for negotiation. We’re not the same people we were when we first got together.”
She shook her head. “Clearly, I’m not enough for you. Even though nothing happened but a little bit of kissing, taking a groupie back to your room when you’re high? That’s unacceptable and disrespectful to me, your wife. Do you get that? And the lies about the drugs and the partying, Sull. It’s too much.”
She wriggled from his embrace and folded her arms in front of her chest, attempting to put up and invisible wall of protection. She opted to go back to all business. The last thing she wanted was to leave space to entertain his rallying and the justification of his position. “I think a separation will do us both some good.”
He sighed and stared at her and then shook his head, unable to control his angry outburst. “You think that us getting a divorce is the best fucking idea? What kind of solution is that? That’s giving up, Kit. That’s quitting. That’s what that is. And we’re not quitters, Kathryn.”
She stared at him, doing her best not to be reactive. She carefully considered her response and spoke calmly. “I said separation, Sully. Divorce would be the next logical step eventually, yes, but I did not say divorce... yet. Let’s be crystal clear on that.” Her eyes then narrowed. “Those drugs are twisting things around in your brain. Get your fucking story straight.”
She knew all too well how easy it was to get caught up in his web of influence, so she didn’t give him an
y leeway. She stood tall and looked at him.
She spoke coolly. “Do your best out on the road, Sully. Lead the troops. You’re the one that decided to keep this tour in motion, so finish it strong. Give the fans the show of their lives. Sing your heart out.”
He sat down on the sofa and bobbed his head in agreement. His bloodshot eyes searched hers desperately looking for her approval. When he didn’t see it, he felt his anxiety shoot into overdrive again. Suddenly, his future held an unusual amount of uncertainty it never had since he met her almost a decade ago.
He nodded knowing this was one thing he could get right. “I won’t let you down.”
She forced a grin. “Go get ‘em. Sean and Giselle are waiting. Get that meeting done and get on the jet. The audience awaits.”
He sighed. “I feel like I shouldn’t be leaving right now. We should be booking an emergency marriage counseling session instead and I…”
She shook her head. “You put this in motion, Sully. Don’t back down now. I’ll be fine. I’ve got family around me. Go. And send in Sean, please.”
He nodded. “I love you, Kitty.”
She forced a grin and felt slightly alarmed by the reality of the changes that were taking place right before her eyes. She had a strange feeling it would be one of the last exchanges they would have like this for some time. Although, she had made her decision clear, she couldn’t deny her deep feelings for him.
She sighed as she met his eyes. “I love you too, Sully.” She swallowed hard feeling the exhaustion roll through her body.
CHAPTER 6
Oblivious to Kit’s physical state, Sully headed out, absorbed in his own little world of anxiety, despair and overwhelming responsibility for closing out one of the largest tours he had ever experienced.
Moments later, Sean appeared, looking concerned. “Kit-Kat, you don’t look so good.”
She sighed. “I don’t feel so good, Sean.”
He rushed to her side. “Here, let me help you.” He guided her to the couch where she slumped down, stunned and spent. She didn’t have the strength or energy to process what was happening, but she wanted to have a quick chat with Sean before he headed out.