Because of Carson Moon

by Laine Watson

  My smile faded into a frown and as soon as she said that, my first thoughts were of Carson, but they quickly evaporated into nothingness, “Maybe at some point, I hoped it was possible.”

  “And there’s no part of you that hopes that anymore?”

  I couldn’t answer that question. That was too hard to think about. Who would want to give into false hope? So I lowered my eyes, and pouted lips with no intent on answering her. I simply lifted my eyes to meet her gaze, quietly.

  She smiled in a motherly way and tilted her head with an affectionate sigh. “So, this guy, Zo? Tell me about him,” she said, leaning back on my sofa. “How many times have you fucked this guy?”

  “Well the first time was in his car.”

  “The first time?”

  “The first night we met.” I smirked, proudly.

  “I've never met such a dirty teacher. Do your sixth graders' parents know how much of a slut you are?” She raised her eyebrows with a playful sneer.

  “I keep my personal life separate from my work life. I love kids, actually. I didn’t know what to expect when I first started. I student-taught in a third-grade class classroom—completely different than sixth graders. It’s so sweet how their minds are so innocent and uncorrupted. By the time they get to sixth grade, though, they’re little shits. Still, if anything, I'm trying to help them not turn out like me.

  “What do you mean?” Kira asked, her eyebrows lowering.

  “I mean, I didn’t have any feelings toward my teacher. I didn’t have a social life. I don’t want these kids to have to go through that type of solitude or isolation.”

  “That’s actually insightful.”

  “Yeah. We have a test coming up and I gave a suggestion to the lead teacher and she actually used it. She’s nothing like the lady at Wyatt elementary. This teacher actually wants to help her students. She lets me do the lesson plans now, every other week and the class has really improved. The kids actually talk to us.”

  “Oh. I’m glad you’re taking this seriously. What kind of things did you put on the lesson plan?”

  “When I first got there things were a little bland so I made some minor adjustments. When we have our group projects, those are like my favorite time, they do so much stupid shit and try to get away with it, but they’re having fun with their friends and learning with their peers. So instead of trying to get them to stop, I have them have debates about the project. Apparently kids love to argue.” I giggled. “Plus, if I offer an incentive, almost everyone does well on the assignments.”

  “Wow,” she said, the surprised expression on her face, had a bit of a proud look to it. “I didn’t know you actually gave a shit about your job. You never talk about it. Not that you ever talked about school either, but you did great there too. Honestly, I thought the only thing you had stock in was dick.”

  I giggled, shifting the cushion behind me. “So, anyway, back to Zo—”

  She cut me off, “Why am I just now hearing about him if you weren’t trying to keep him from me?”

  “Because I wasn't sure—I'm still not sure how I feel about him. He's different from other guys. It’s not that I think you won’t like him, he’s just more intense and sometimes you’re a little overprotective.”

  “I see.” She paused. “So how'd you guys meet?”

  “We met at this lame frat party back in college.”

  “You say it like you didn’t just graduate in May.”

  “It seems like a long time ago.”

  “Whatever. So he went to school with us?”

  “He was just at the party with some friends. He works in stocks? Whatever that is. I didn’t ask if he was from here, but he has two apartments and he said if I ever wanted to get away on the weekend, he’d take me there.” I grinned.

  “Oh, he must be successful then,” Kira said, wiggling her eyebrows.

  “Honestly, I don't know. We've only talked about things other than sex a few times, but it still led to sex.”

  “He must be good at what he does. You sound happy. Would you say he tamed you?” Kira grinned widely.

  “I'm a freak. I can’t be tamed. You know this.”

  Kira rolled her eyes.

  I went on to tell the story of how Zo and I met, When the story was going slow, she would interrupt. I had to be careful with my words. She watched me suspiciously the whole time.

  Chapter 24: The Man You Want

  “Is this Zo character even any good? I mean, that’s barely a name.”

  “See! There you go with that overprotective bullshit again.”

  “I’m just saying, Owen was four years older than you, Sawyer is a wild child, but at least they aren’t trash. Is this guy like them or is he just another asshole looking for pussy? What’s wrong with Carson—you keep avoiding even talking about him. Which makes me think this Zo thing is a load of crap.”

  “I told you, I wanted to find something better and I did!” I shouted, leaning forward. I sat back. “Carson wants to get married.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “He was joking about it, talking about putting ten kids inside of me.”

  “How do you know he wasn’t just joking?”

  “He wasn’t.” I pouted, waving my hand dismissively.

  “The one guy who actually might be okay to have something more with, you bench him for this supposed better guy?”

  “I’ve already told you; Carson is just too innocent for me. I’m also not interested in monogamy or belonging to anyone either.”

  She gave me a motherly look. “Think about it, before you cling to that. It’s been a year. Do you really still feel that way? Is this guy Zo any better than the rest? Can you honestly say, he’s better than the guys who have been in your life for years?” Kira sighed. “The fact that you kept this shit from me makes me wonder.” She pursed her lips and folded her hands in her lap. “I’m glad you’re not sleeping around with guys you don’t know anymore, but even having four guys you sleep with regularly is a lot. How do you even juggle that? Do they know each other? Are they seeing other people? Do you have a sex calendar where you assign dates to certain guys?”

  I rolled my eyes getting frustrated with all her questions. “I get it, Kira. I know you’re always trying to look out for me. I know I’ve had a lot of one-night stands and randoms. But that was the first couple of years in college. There were a few here and there last year but, it’s not like that anymore. I’m friends with all four of them, and they mean something to me.”

  “Uh-huh.” She glared at me with folded arms across her chest. “She said actively avoiding the questions.”

  I sighed in frustration. I’m not avoiding your questions. They’re just irrelevant. I don’t keep track of them or give them assignment or whatever the fuck you said. When I want them, I have them. That’s all. Love is a cage. Or the concept of what other people consider love is a cage. I care to stick to sex. You want to love me—fuck me.”

  “I call bullshit.” Kira frowned, her eyebrows furrowed. “You’re fucking four guys so that you can try to counter whatever real feelings you have. That cage or prison crap is just a ruse. So is that idealistic ‘fuck me’ shit. You’re my best friend, but I don’t like this version of you where you pretend like having good things aren’t for you. You can’t try and convince yourself that love is fucking four guys who okay with you fucking four guys. Carson, I’m sure is not the only one who has tried to be more with you. You’re just acting like a scared little bitch.”

  “I’m not afraid of anything. Before Zo?”

  “What the fuck is so different about him? Tell me. Carson too?”

  “Zo fucks me how I want to be fucked. Carson, Carson—I don’t really... Carson does everything, before him I used to have to masturbate to be aroused enough to have sex with anyone.”

  “And Zo? I still think that’s a bullshit name.”

  “I’m sure it’s just a nickname, like you guys call me’ Kin.’” I paused. “But he gets me wetter tha
n Carson.” I do need to ask him his real name.

  “So that’s the difference? Before you were fucking guys who wouldn’t even take the time to get you wet before they shoved their shit inside you? So now you think because Zo can do it, he’s better than Carson. Let me ask you, what did Carson do to get you wet?”

  I scratched behind my ear and took a deep breath. “H-he, went down on me, kissed me.”

  “Catered to you, right?”

  I rolled my eyes, shifting uncomfortably as I head back some tears. The sensation to cry left.

  “Does Zo cater to you like that?”

  “He doesn’t have to. Carson had to do all that shit because he couldn’t get me wet any other way.”

  “Don’t you think that way is better? Does Zo ever bother to touch you or kiss you before he fucks you? I would think you wanted someone who was willing to give you that type of treatment.”

  I rose off the sofa, my nostrils flared. “I told you, I don’t like it. Carson is too good. And I don’t want good things. I want what I want, and you can’t change that. I don’t want anyone to make love to me. I want to be fucked!” I shouted, anger and frustration warming my face, my fists folded tightly beside me.

  “Stop lying!”

  “Why are you so adamant about this? Love in the traditional sense just isn’t for me. Maybe I could love. Maybe I do love Zo and that’s why I didn’t tell you. Because if I do love him it’s because he fucks me and gives me what I want. Tells me I’m a good girl. That’s love to me. Carson is my friend. Okay? Maybe I should give up Owen and Sawyer too. Because I haven’t slept with Carson since I met Zo. And a few weeks ago I slept with Owen and Sawyer the same night and still wasn’t satisfied. You know when I was satisfied, when I called Zo and we masturbated together.” I left out the calling Carson part.

  “What?” Kira said staring at me with shocked eyes.

  “So maybe—yeah you’re right. Maybe I love Zo. Maybe I’ve finally found someone who accepts me for me and is down for the shit I’m down with.” I said throwing myself on the sofa, folding my arms, staring at the floor angrily.

  “It still sounds like a load of shit to me,” Kira said. “You were scared to tell me you were in love with this guy but not scared to have this dude's dick getting comfy with your tonsils in the back of his car?” Kira retorted smugly. “And don’t tell me you didn’t because I know you.” She smirked.

  With that smirk all of my frustration and the tension in the room fizzled out.

  I sat up. “Yeah I did.” I giggled.

  She laughed too.

  “Okay. It took a while to get the truth out of you but at least you’re being partially honest with yourself. If this is what you want, then go for it. That’s what you’ve always done. And I admire that about you.”

  I smiled at her, kindly, my eyes lowering to the floor. “I know I shouldn’t have kept it from you, but it’s different this time. Like I said, maybe I do love Zo, but what does that even feel like? I know I want to be with him more than I want to be with anyone else. So if that’s love then, yeah,” I said thoughtfully with my eyes to the ceiling, thinking about Zo.

  Kira reached over and nudged me on the shoulder, snapping me out of my monetarily dreamy-eyed state.

  “You know when we met. I approached him. I didn't even think about him not liking me or that I was interrupting him and his friend. You know some guys like wholesome chicks with values, who don't have sex on the first date and shit. He could have been that kind of guy.” I paused and gulped. “Pretty sure that’s the kind of guy Carson is. I’m just the chick he fucks. He probably already has an innocent girlfriend that he’s not telling me about who had no idea he was cheating on her with a dirty slut like me,” I said, my voice wavering, tears pooling around my eyes. I had let that slip out unintentionally. I had somehow hurt my own feelings.

  Kira’s lips parted and she gasped a bit. “You are a wholesome girl with values, they just are ones you adhere to, someone else didn’t make them up for you.” I’m sure she said that because she saw the tears in my eyes.

  “See? This is why you're my friend.” I smiled, the desire to cry fading.

  ”Why? Because I'm always happy to listen to all the nasty shit you’re into?” She gleamed, making the atmosphere light again.

  “Precisely,” I said. I was smiling but my heart ached a bit from the thought of Carson.

  “Do you really think Carson would do that to you or to someone he called his girlfriend? Do you think he’d lie to both of you like that?” she asked. I had to be honest.

  “No. I don’t,” I said shaking my head.

  “If you say you and Carson are just friends now, then okay.” Kira smiled acceptingly. “I like that you’re admitting that you can love someone.”

  “Yeah, but I’m doing it my way. I’m not in any committed relationship. We're just friends connecting how we connect—lovers. No expectations.”

  “Yeah, but have you talked to Zo. What if your feelings get stronger and his stay the same?”

  “Don't worry about me; I'm tough. I didn’t give in to Carson’s big brown eyes and sexy voice, so no man is going to sway me.”

  “That’s an odd thing to say about someone who’s just your friend and you don’t love them.”

  “Oh, I just meant that even if you’re cute—because, he’s cute right?”

  “Yeah.” She smiled at me, I could tell she was calling bullshit in her mind. “Stop while you’re ahead.”

  “Right,” I said, swallowing hard. I don’t love Carson, so I don’t know why this is so awkward. He really is just my friend.

  “Wait.” Kira frowned. “If you met him while you were in college,” she said thoughtfully, “that means you’ve been hiding him from me for at least six months.”

  “Yeah, sorry.” I smirked, self-consciously. “But, you never tell me about any guys you have dated.”

  “You never ask,” she said lowering her eyes at me in a glare.

  Eeh, I’d better tread lightly on that subject.

  “Do you even date?” I asked tensely.

  “I haven’t dated a lot of people, had a couple one-night stands, you know just to get the edge off. But, I am dating someone. It’s a very hush-hush relationship with a—”

  “Oh my God, are you sleeping with a married guy?”

  “Uhm, no. But the judgement.” She rolled her eyes. “I was going to say. I have a very hush, hush relationship with one of my colleagues at work—he’s not married.”

  “Colleagues? You sound like an adult,” I teased her.

  “It’s just against company policy to date each other, and they try not to hire couples either. Conflict of interest,” she said ignoring my playful mocking.

  “Oh,” I said, my eyes bursting with intrigue.

  “Yeah, he’s a systems technician. We’re not even really supposed to talk to each other. I’m pretty sure it’s because supervisors have shady shit, they don’t want the call center clerks to know—it might slip out on a call. They’d find out because all the calls are recorded.”

  I smiled. “I bet the fact that you’re not supposed to be friends or talk about work is part of the reason you’re with him.”

  “You know me well. We could get fired, because we do talk about work sometimes, but I like him. It sucks that I can’t bring him around anyone, and we basically have to have dates at like three a.m., but he’s a good guy. I’d never ask him to find a new job just to be with me and he sure as hell had better never ask me to do it.” She chuckled.

  “Aww, that’s sweet,” I said, fawning over her secret relationship. A moment later, my eyes focused right on her and my face turned serious. “What’s his name? At least tell me his name. And, I don’t have to know the size, but is he any good in bed?”

  “Breathe a word of any of this, and I will cut out your labia.”

  “Scout’s honor,” I said, putting my hand up beside me.”

  “His name’s Cole, and he’s got the most amazing abstractl
y-colored eyes, like there’s no one time that his eyes have ever had the same palette. I’m sure they classify as hazel or green but they are always all sorts of colors. And he has this patch of blond hair right by his ears on both sides,” she enthused.

  I smiled, having never seen her be so excited to gush over anything.

  “He’s not that much taller than me maybe just a few inches but he has a nice body and yes...”—she closed her eyes smartly—“he knows what he’s doing in bed.”

  “Eek!” I clapped and tapped my feet alternatively on the floor.

  “But that’s all I’m saying. Maybe one day, you guys’ll meet. But for now, you know nothing.” She pointed motherly at me.

  “Not a thing,” I agreed as I took my hand and placed my thumb and index fingertips together and zipped my lips.

  “What about Zo?”

  He’s so handsome. He’s got this super dark hair and he looks like a CEO of some company. He’s always got on suits or really nice collared shirts. His hair is always perfect, and his lips are super nice, like just the right size,” I gushed. “He looks like he might have played sports in high school too. You know the type? He’s toned in all the right places.

  “So he’s a macho bad boy that’s all assholey and arrogant.”

  I glance up thoughtfully, frowning. “Yeah. Pretty much. Guys like that are the ones with the big dicks.” I like guys like that.”

  Her eyes widened, and then she narrowed them. “Eh... not always.”

  “You know what. You’re right. Take Carson, for example, cut, muscles out of this world, tight ass body, nice ass, sweet smile, kind eyes, soft voice, boyish charm. Super dorky. Not sexy, right? Could never be...” I don’t know where I was going with that or what the point was, but my body shuddered and a rush of arousal washed over my body. “But...” I said a bit shakily. I closed my eyes and got back on track with my point. “But he can suck your soul out of you through your clit, then revive with that big-ass dick of his. And he is sexy, in this unconventional way. His way of being sexy, is not threatening but so dominant. It melts you completely. He and Zo are complete opposites.”