“Yeah…this one is real and I didn’t want Mom to ask a whole bunch of questions or try to find out who it is.”
She nods, cool because she’s in on a secret our mother is not. “So, was it a hooker?”
It’s so difficult to talk to her. “No, Persephone.”
“Did you do her?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “I don’t want to talk about it and if you try to make me I’ll stop talking right now.” I’m serious and she knows it.
She stares at the ceiling fan with a frown. “Sex is awesome, huh?” she says.
It is awesome. Nothing else feels like that.
“Are you, like, dating her?”
I shake my head, my heart breaking. “I’m leaving in a month.”
“Is she why you’re all moody?” She looks at me, actually caring, like she understands.
Usually I can be honest with my sister and I hate not being able to tell her. “Yeah.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Kind of. But kind of not.”
She looks back at the ceiling. “I understand.”
We lie here for a while, staring at the ceiling.
“When I’m away from her, I feel like dying.” I finally sigh.
“Hmm.”
“That’s not how you feel with Jimmy, is it?”
She shakes her head. “With Jimmy it’s more like I’m just too stupid to find someone better. Remember the Indian boy that one summer at Dad’s house?” She frowns. “I should have married him when I had the chance.”
Yes. I still hang out with him. He’s my Powwow friend. He’s a super nice guy and smart, and the only guy Persephone has ever dated who I could have seen her being happy with. I didn’t know she thought about him. He’s with a drum host for the Powwow I’m dancing at. “If you come with me to the Powwow you can see him. He does the drums for one of the drum hosts.”
“No way!” she says, interested.
“Yeah. We usually hang out at the powwows.”
“No way. How come you never told me?”
I shrug. “He’s going to WSU for mechanical engineering.”
“No way! I guess he was interested in the way things are made. I should have kept in touch.”
“Really?” I shake my head. Ugh. “What are you going to do with your life?” I ask her. “You can be anything you want. You don’t have to look for what a guy is doing with his life to see if he’s worth it when you can do whatever you want without a man.” It’s like she doesn’t get it. Life keeps rolling on and she doesn’t care about making anything of herself. She just wants to be a townie for the rest of her life.
It’s disappointing.
“I don’t know. It’s like you and mom and Marc fit together. You’re an artist like mom and you like building things like Marc but I don’t like creating things. I like things to be given to me already done. Even Nikki is a creator, which is why she’s perfect for me. I can give her an idea of what I want and she’ll make it for me. Did you know all the clothes she has she made? Even her jewelry and purses.” She sighs, sad. “Sometimes I’m totally jealous of you. Mom and Marc love you so much more, and because you’re like them they’ve helped you a lot more.”
I can’t say I haven’t gotten more guidance, but not for any reason other than I’ve been more receptive to it. “Well, you’ve gotten a lot more attention.”
“Because I scream louder.”
“Maybe you should have been quieter like me.”
“If I was quieter would you be louder?”
“Maybe we’d meet in the middle.”
She thinks it over. “It’d be like how we are now. We could be friends.”
“Sometimes we’re friends.”
We hear a knocking on Persephone’s door and Persephone gets on her elbows. “I’m in here!” she calls.
Nikki comes to my doorway and stands, looking unsure of herself. “Sorry, I can wait in the other room,” she says, frustrated.
“Come on in. There’s plenty of room. Ares, scoot over.” She pulls me closer to her so there’s room on the other side of me.
I know I should get up. It would be the right thing to do. But she’s as beautiful as I remember and I want the benefits of lying here receiving positive energy from my sister, who I know loves me, and the girl I love.
I lock eyes with her and I can see Marc was right. For a second I can see her feelings. She’s hurt and lost and I’ve taken her best friend away from her with my greed and selfishness. She can’t run away from me here.
And I would do it all again.
She comes over, faking normality and lies down beside me, turning onto her side, her whole body pressed against me, her knee on mine. I panic, my mind racing with memories of her nipples and her butt in my hands. I take a deep breath, trying to think of something else, anything else.
She looks around. “It’s nice in here,” she says brightly. “What were you guys doin’?”
“Talking. Apparently Ares isn’t gay.”
Her eyebrows lift. “What proved it to you? Did you find his stack of Playboys?”
I frown. “Do people get Playboys anymore? I can get real porn on my phone.”
“He’s mooning over some girl. He painted her like Jack in Titanic.”
She smiles at me. “Oh yeah? Like Jack drew Rose?”
I scowl good-naturedly, my heart buzzing at her nearness.
“That’s awesome. What else did he say?” She smiles, relaxing, her body turning cat-like against me.
“Nothing. But I’m sure she looks just like my mom. Short with a mom body. And Indian”
She scrunches her face, picturing me with someone like that. “Your mom has an okay body.”
Our mom is short, but she’s pretty like Persephone. Neither of them wears much makeup. Their hair is long but my mom wears hers in traditional braids or a wrapped up in bun most of the time. She’s not skinny but not fat; she looks like a mom.
Persephone shrugs.
“You’re crazy.”
“Why? That’s what happens. In my experience, Indian boys want babies and booty to grab with two hands. That’s probably what went wrong for my parents. No more kids.” She shrugs again, matter of fact.
“Is that true, Ares?” Nikki teases.
I look at her funny. “What? Indian men expect their girls to be curvy with babies all over?” I ask, eyebrow raised and a smile. “Definitely. That’s exactly what I expect.” I make my self-assured tough guy face.
She rolls her eyes. “I meant is your girl short, with a mom body, and ‘Indian’.” She blushes, probably because she called herself my girl and she has to say Indian when she doesn’t know if she can because she’s not.
She called herself my girl. Fuck yes. “No. She doesn’t have a mom body yet but she could if things work out right. She’s shorter than Persephone so I guess she could be short but when I hold her she fits into me perfectly. And no, she’s not Indian.”
Persephone stares at me, shocked. “Are you serious?”
I frown back, worried she’s onto me because I made it too obvious. “What?”
“She’s not Indian?”
I shake my head. I’ve been so worried about all the other issues of us I didn’t consider that issue.
“What? What if you have a kid?” Persephone looks at me with crazy eyes.
“I don’t know if I want kids.” Nikki doesn’t and I’m terrified of turning into my own father.
“What are you guys talking about?” Nikki asks.
I look at her. “Our mother and father are both half Nez Perce and our mother’s other half is Muckleshoot and our father’s is Wenatchi. My dad’s father is a part of the council and is in the line of the famous Chief Joseph, and my mother’s father is a tribal leader. Our parents pretty much had an arranged marriage because my mom’s parents in particular wanted her to stay in the tribe. Otherwise she probably would have married Marc to begin with,” I explain.
“So, it’s like we’r
e expected to do the same.” Persephone continues.
“That sounds bad,” Nikki says, disquieted.
“Why?” I frown. Although there has always been the mixing of tribes otherwise we’d all be inbred. It used to bother me, but now I see all people as being only different tribes.
She looks confused. “But it’s not like you’re a racehorse.”
It’s like I can’t say anything without sounding like a dick. “Persephone is just overdramatic.”
“I’m not overdramatic,” she automatically counters. “I’m going to confront Jimmy tomorrow. I’m going to tell him this is the last time I worry about him cheating on me. I’m going to make some phone calls.” She nods, staring at the ceiling fan.
Nikki’s hand moves over my crotch through my basketball shorts, soft and purposeful. My eyes close spontaneously and my heart stops beating and sweat prickles my skin in the same millisecond because my sister is right here next to us and I am so not in a good place right now.
I jump out of bed and into my bathroom, pulling the door closed quick and loud.
Chapter Twenty-five
Nikki
“What the fuck happened?” Persephone looks at me, frowning in confusion.
I shrug.
“Where’s Ares? He’s supposed to help me take care of the animals,” Dexter says from the doorway. He sees us lying on the bed and comes over, climbing over Persephone to lie between us. “Cozy,” he says.
I ruffle his hair. “Hey. How’ve you been? I’ve missed you.” I love this kid.
“Good. Ares taught me how to ride Old Blue. He’s a horse. And it’s my job to collect eggs and wash them,” he says. “Persephone painted my toenails.” He holds his foot for me to see. “And Natalie makes me take a shower every day, which is cool cuz she lets me play with my action figures in there. And Marc taught me how to make an arch so now I can build a bridge.”
“Marcs’s not a bridge builder, though, so be careful,” Ares says, coming out of the bathroom looking more composed than when he went in.
He gives me a quick wide-eyed look.
I give him an innocent smile.
“But look at that awesome paint job, right?” Persephone says, holding Dexter’s foot again.
I smile, jealous. He’s the one who caused all the trouble and he’s the one who gets saved and adopted into the perfect family that I picked out for myself while I get left behind again. And I hate feeling this way, but I do, and it hurts.
“Can you stay too, Nikki? Maybe we can have a slumber party and we can all paint our nails!”
“OMG! What a fuckin’ awesome idea! Nikki, you have to stay! Please!” Persephone says, sitting and grabbing me. “We can all sleep in the den! This is going to be so much fun! Just what I need!” She jumps with Dexter and they run to the other room where Natalie and Marc are.
I get up too. I can’t be alone in his room with him. It’s a rule. A very good rule.
His fingers circle my wrist though and I go weak as he pulls me so close I can smell him and our stomachs touch. He kisses me. I move his hands to touch my body. My eyes are closed as he nuzzles my neck. “I’m sorry,” he breathes.
He makes me too weak to care about getting caught. I want to be happy. “It’s okay. I am too.”
“Let’s lock the door and forget everyone until we’re done,” he says.
“Okay,” I breathe against his ear.
“I was hoping you’d be the strong one.” He kisses me again and pulls away. “You need to leave. Now.” He pushes me to the door, his lips pulling mine as he pushes.
“What are you going to do?” I ask, breathless.
“Jack off. A lot.” He pushes me out and closes and locks the door.
The music gets louder and I smile, adjusting my clothes, making sure nothing is showing, and make my way slowly to the kitchen, heavy with life.
I look at all the pictures along the way, their art and family photos, and sadness washes over me from nowhere.
I’m not safe at my house anymore. My mom has started bringing men over again, like she used to. They sit there and look at me as I walk by. It’s just a matter of time. Dexter and I stayed at Persephone’s house as much as we could the last time and I pretty much made it out completely unscathed. But now I want my own life. I don’t want her to take it from me anymore.
I don’t want anything bad to happen to me while I have the happiness of having Ares.
My head is dizzy and I can’t catch my breath.
“Where’s Ares?” Marc asks.
“I left and he closed the door and turned up his music.”
“He’s probably masturbating to the thought of his new girlfriend,” Persephone says, eating grapes with Dexter.
“Persephone! Really, in front of the boy?” Natalie glares.
“Sorry. He’s probably m-a-s-t-u-r-b—”
“Really?” she glares at her with an are-you-serious look.
I feel flushed and dizzy and try to avoid eye contact with Marc. I sit next to Dexter, taking a grape.
“Did he tell you anything about her?” Natalie asks, trying not to sound too curious.
I’m so hot and dizzy and nauseous. I know what’s going to happen and I’m fighting hard.
“He said she wasn’t Indian,” Persephone says with a shrug.
“Really? I wonder who it could be. Is she white?”
The world is rushing in and out of focus. Nikki? Someone asks from far away…
I open my eyes and Persephone has my head in her lap on the kitchen floor and I can hear Dexter crying and Ares is kneeling beside me, frowning. His eyes are so concerned it’s embarrassing.
I sit, feeling funny.
I push Persephone’s hands away.
“Dude, you totally passed out right now,” she says with a laugh in her voice.
I rub my face and pull my knees into my chest. “I know. Thanks.” I focus on taking breaths. “I guess the thought of Ares masturbating proved too much to handle,” I murmur and he cocks his eyebrow, not in on the joke.
“You guys are killing me saying that word!” Natalie says. “Why can’t kids be like they used to and edit around old people?” She shakes her head, coming over with a damp towel. She puts it around my neck and puts her warm hands on my cheeks. “Are you ok?” She looks into me with concerned mother eyes.
I nod. It’s a strange feeling to wake up surrounded by everyone I love who loves me.
“Remember the time you passed out at school? Remember Ares? It was right after we moved here,” Persephone reminisces, gleeful. “You’re like one of those crazy goats.”
He’s looking concerned and crouching next to us. He looks older and wiser and sexier than he did hours ago.
I look at Dexter, lightheaded. He looks scared, wiping tears off his cheeks.
“It’s no big deal. I got super dizzy,” I explain.
“Are you hungry? You look pale,” Natalie asks.
“I’m okay. It happens. Just a little lightheaded.”
“Why don’t you go sit at the table? Dinner will be done in a minute.”
Persephone helps me and we sit next to each other at the table across from Dexter and Ares.
I hold my head in my hands, trying to clear it.
How embarrassing.
Marc puts a cup of coffee in front of me and I drink it, warmer and clearer and brighter already. “Thank you.”
“So, we talked to a lawyer for you,” Natalie says as she puts food on the table. “Would you like to hear what she said?”
“I already know it’s pretty bleak.”
“Yes. Siblings have rights behind everyone else. It goes parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, then cousins and siblings. Plus they’ll look to see if you’re able to support the child without aid from the state and they usually won’t give you the time of day if you’re under twenty-five,” she tells me, sitting, and everyone digs in.
Persephone gives me lots of food.
“And they can’t take kids away j
ust because their parents are crappy. So, the guidelines for CPS are:” She pulls out a folder with papers. “Physical injury other than accidental means, subjection to willful cruelty or unjustifiable punishment, sexual abuse or exploitation, or neglect by parent or caregiver who fails to provide food, clothing, medical care, shelter or supervision.”
They all look at me.
Like all the things I had to go through before I met Persephone. There was one time we had no food so I ate her last syrniki because I was hungry and she locked me out of the house for two days. And if I pissed her off before I learned how to wash my own clothes when I was seven or eight, she wouldn’t wash my clothes. She wouldn’t talk to me unless I spoke to her in Russian and I didn’t know how. All the times she made me sit on the laps of “music people” and made me smile even though it made me sick. And all the stuff I don’t even want to think about.
I take a breath to get away from it. I feel sick. “Well I guess I’ve been protecting him. The only thing I don’t have a handle on is the neglect part because I fail a lot. I’ve forgotten to give him lunch money. I can’t always pay the phone bill.” I blink the tears away, looking up at the lights. “She’s always done the other things to me but whenever she’s like she is now you guys have been around so I can stash him or he could stay at a friend’s house for a few days but now since I have to work so much I’ve been relying too much on him staying at his friends’ houses.”
Marc frowns and steeples his fingers, making a disapproving man noise and everyone turns their attention to him. He sits back. “The thing is, Nikki, we’re not talking about how well you’ve been taking care of your little brother. It’s your parents’ job to take care of you and him. You were eleven when he was born and you have no business being a parent at that age, or at the age you’re at now. It’s hard enough being a parent at our age, right Natalie?”
She makes a face. “Definitely. It has its challenges.” She points at Persephone.
Persephone flips her off.
I look at Dexter. He looks fresh and clean and bright, wearing new clothes. His hair is combed. He looks happy. I’m overjoyed and so jealous.
“Dexter, you love your sister, right? What do you think about this whole thing?” Marc asks, looking at the little boy, a serious expression on his face.
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