by Jill Shalvis
His eyes were dark and serious. His arms were strong around her, making her feel warm and safe in a way she hadn’t felt in a long time, if ever. He wasn’t trying to avoid her, or put her off, he was just plain exhausted.
And she was falling for him, big time. If he found out, or even got a hint of it, he’d regret their night together, and she refused to let that happen.
“You sleep,” she said quietly, lifting her hand to touch his face just because she wanted to feel him one more time. “I’ll just—”
He nuzzled his face against her neck. “You’ll sleep too,” he said, holding her tight. “Talk later.”
“Zach.”
“Sleep.”
She’d never been one to follow directions or take authority well, but she didn’t feel bossed around. The opposite actually.
She felt...cared for. And so she did what he said.
She slept.
CHAPTER 10
ZACH WOKE UP ALONE, and refused to admit he wished Hannah hadn’t left, that he’d had her all night long and it still hadn’t been enough.
With all his restless energy, he ended up at the beach, where he surfed his troubles away. When he was done, refreshingly numb so that hopefully he couldn’t think, he took the path through the grounds of the lodge.
There was a couple on a bench there, wrapped in each other’s arms and kissing as if their lives depended on it.
Newlyweds, he figured, with an odd mix of envy and disgust.
Was he going to ever be that much in love? Scary thought. One he immediately dismissed.
He concentrated on his surroundings. He was amazed by all the color and beauty. Someone, probably a group of someones, worked damn hard here. It was a wonderful haven, with the wind blowing lightly, the sound of the surf providing mother nature’s music.
The gardens couldn’t be the doing of Alexi—she had what his family had always called a “black thumb,” killing even the most hardy of houseplants when they’d been young.
And somehow he couldn’t imagine the elegant and sophisticated Tara getting dirt beneath her carefully manicured nails and sullying her clothes.
Definitely not her style.
“That’s the way,” came a sweet, coaxing female voice from the other side of a bush.
Zach stopped in surprise. He recognized that voice.
“That’s the way I like to see it.”
He’d have known it was Hannah even if her voice hadn’t registered right away because his pulse all but stopped, then sped up like a locomotive.
“Come on baby, there you go.”
Zach rounded the corner, not sure what he expected to find, but tense and battle-ready—which if he’d stopped to think about, would have made him laugh.
He had no claim on her.
But the sight before him was an even bigger surprise than her words.
She was on her hands and knees, her face streaked down one side, her hands covered to her wrists in soil.
She was talking to the daisies.
Startled at his abrupt appearance, Hannah sat back on her heels and blinked at him before smiling self-consciously. “Hello.”
“Do you always talk to the plants?”
“My plants like to be talked to.”
“You did all this?”
She seemed startled by the question, and she relaxed, making him realize she’d been tense enough to shatter.
Because of him? Undoubtedly.
Distance, he reminded himself. She’d managed to find it, he needed to do the same.
“I love to grow things,” she said.
“It’s beautiful out here.” And so are you.
“Thank you.” She rose gracefully to her feet, her long, bare legs as streaked with dirt as the rest of her.
He stared at them so long he nearly didn’t realize she was walking away from him. “Wait!”
When she did, he was at a loss as to what to say. “Last night...that was beautiful, too.”
“Oh, Zach...” Something vulnerable and haunting crossed her features.
“Is it that awful?” he asked quietly. “The remembering?”
“The opposite.” A wry smile crossed her face. “It’s just that I thought it best if...well.” Drawing a deep breath, she sent him a sad smile. “Be safe, Zach.”
“Are you saying goodbye then?”
Her silence was his answer, and he felt his own spear of hurt. “I should tell you, I can’t seem to walk away.”
“Me, either,” she whispered. “I just don’t know what to say. You...just standing there, you make my knees weak. I’m feeling so out of my element.”
“Just about everything you’ve done since I saw you again has made my knees weak. And if it helps, I’m also way out of my element.” Because he had to, he pulled her close.
She gasped and tried to pull away. “I’ll get you filthy!”
“Dirt, strawberry pie, it’s all the same to me.” He streaked his hands down her back, and at the connection she stopped fighting him and slid her arms around his neck.
“This is a very bad idea,” she said, even as she hugged him tighter.
“Definitely.” Burying his face in her hair, he held her close, and all the feelings he’d been fighting struggled to the surface.
Heat. Hunger. Desire.
Yearning.
Her fingers wound themselves in his hair, and she let out a long sigh. “Somehow when you’re not right in front of me I can tell myself I’m imagining all this...this stuff I feel right now.”
“Me, too.”
“What are we doing, Zach?”
“I haven’t a clue. I just know I feel so alive when I’m with you.”
She lifted her head and looked at him.
“I like it,” he whispered. “Feeling alive. And I think I make you feel the same way.”
“You do, but you’re going away. I have to remember that.”
“Yes, we both know how it’s going to end. We always did.”
“And that’s supposed to make it easy?” She closed her eyes. “I’m sorry. After all, I’m the one that started this.”
“So let’s finish it.” The words shocked him as much as her. “We have a few days left.”
“I can’t, I can’t let my heart get in this.”
He had the terrifying feeling it was too late for both of them.
“It all happened so quickly. I didn’t expect that. It’s going to be so hard to let you go.”
“Then don’t think about it,” he suggested. “Think about last night, and how good it was. How good it could be right now if we run up to my room.”
“Don’t.” She let out a low, nervous laugh. “Don’t even talk! You could coax me into doing anything with that voice of yours.”
“Really?” That had interesting—and erotic—possibilities.
Her gaze met his and held. “Really.” Another rueful laugh escaped her. “Please...don’t even try.” Her voice quivered, and her hands, which she tucked under her arms, shook.
“Hannah...” But what could he say? That he’d never hurt her? But he would, just by being what he was, who he was.
And since it was too late, they were both bound for anguish no matter what happened now, he didn’t want to let her go. “There are telephones in Los Angeles, you know. And e-mail.” God, he’d really lost his mind now. “The drive isn’t so bad really—”
“You’re only saying that now, in the heat of the moment, but you don’t mean it.” She shook her head, her eyes huge and solemn. “Don’t make me a promise you can’t keep, Zach.”
He cupped her face and traced her mouth with his thumb, unsure of everything except how he felt when she was in his arms.
“Don’t,” she repeated, but she tipped her head up for a kiss, which he gave her. It was a heart and soul kiss, and they both sighed, deepening it until they tore apart, breathless. Staring at each other.
Then she walked away, leaving him alone in the garden, lonely heart pounding in tune to the waves.
* * *
ZACH SPENT THAT NIGHT ALONE. It was nothing new, he spent most nights alone, and yet he’d never felt so lonely in his life.
By morning, he decided physical exercise was what he needed to shake the melancholy. Two miles later and two nearly collapsed lungs, he sank gratefully to the beach in front of the lodge.
“Some relaxing vacation,” Alexi noted dryly, coming up behind him to sit next to him. She handed him a towel and a bottle of water and sent him a little smile.
In the way of family, she didn’t bother him with trivial details or minor observations. No, not his sister, who knew him better than most. Instead she waited until he caught his breath, until he tipped the water bottle to his mouth.
Then she went directly for the kill. “You going to sleep with Hannah?”
He nearly drowned himself.
She waited patiently while he recovered.
He glared at her.
“Are you going to hurt my best friend?” she asked calmly.
“What makes you think it’s Hannah who’s going to get hurt?”
“Please. Your heart is safe, it always has been safe. How can it be anything else when you put work first? I’m not worried about you.” But then she relented. “Should I be?”
“Nah. I’m tough.”
“Oh yeah. You’re rough and tough, you’re the big, bad, older brother who’s invincible, right?” She sighed and smacked him upside the back of his head. “Get a grip, Zach. Matters of the heart can lay even a superhero low.”
“Who said anything about matters of the heart?”
“I did, because in case you didn’t notice, that’s what this is.”
Zach stared grimly out at the waves. “She’s just looking for something new and exciting.”
“You don’t really believe that.”
No, he didn’t. But believing that it was him Hannah wanted was just as unsettling.
“So? What are you going to do?”
“Alexi...don’t.”
“Don’t what? Don’t tell the truth? That for years Tara and have I have watched Hannah put everyone else’s needs before her own? First her family, then us. She always covers for us, whenever we need it, no matter what, and much as it shames me to admit it, it never occurred to us that we were taking advantage of her. She’d do anything for the people she cares about, and it’s time we do something for her back. So she wants to see what she’s missing. What’s wrong with that? Especially when she’s missing plenty!”
Not anymore, he thought, digging his heels into the sand. Thanks to him and his very questionable self-control, Hannah wasn’t missing anything now.
“Do you really want her to find out exactly what with some guy that won’t care about her as much as you do?”
He stared at the waves and tried to tell himself it was okay that Hannah would eventually find a man to love her the way she deserved.
“Do it, Zach. Sleep with her and make it right. Show her everything she wants to know.”
He’d already shown her, and he wanted to do it again. “And then what?” he asked. “Just leave? Don’t you think that will make it worse?”
“No,” she said. “I don’t. Because this time you’ll come back.”
He stared at her, saw her thoughts as if she’d spoken them out loud. “I’m not going to fall in love, Alexi. Not a chance.”
“Hmmm.”
“I’m not.”
She smiled. “Methinks maybe you protest too much.”
Dammit. “I love you, I really do, but I’m not ever coming back for good.”
Alexi’s smile faded. “I know.”
Zach tipped up his head and watched a lazy white cloud make its way across the sky. “Besides, we both know I have nothing to offer a woman permanently.”
“Oh, my God.”
“What?”
“You just said woman and permanent in the same sentence.” She softened immediately. “Oh, Zach.”
“No.” He managed a laugh and sat up straighter. “Don’t use that dreamy voice on me.” She merely smiled and he lifted up a hand. “I mean it, Alexi. Wipe that look off your face.”
“There’s hope.”
“No.”
“Yes. You’re already half in love, you’re just not ready to admit it.”
His heart nearly stopped. “Stop it.”
“Can’t.” Smiling into the sun, she plopped back on the sand and tucked her hands beneath her head, looking satisfied with the world. “You and Hannah, it’d be just too perfect for words.”
“No, it wouldn’t.”
“I’ll miss her of course. So much. Just promise you’ll stay for the rest of your time off, just to give us a little time together, you and me. Like old times. Please?”
How did she so effortlessly manipulate him into both guilt and remorse?
“Zach... Please?”
He didn’t want to deny her, but to do as she asked and in such close proximity to Hannah... “You want me to stay even if the only thing that’s going to happen between Hannah and me is a friendship?”
“A friendship?” Her expression told him how ridiculous she thought that was.
“We have a genuine affection and warmth for each other, but it’s not going further than that. I’m going back to L.A. soon, and Hannah...she belongs here, no matter what’s between us.”
Alexi lifted a brow.
“Or not between us,” he muttered.
“Are you saying you’ve already slept together?”
He clenched his jaw tight and remained silent.
“No, of course not.” She laughed. “I would have known. Right? Zach?”
He just shook his head. “Stop it.”
“Okay, tell me this. Truthfully. That warmth and affection you mentioned...could it have been more? You know, if things were different?”
Different as in if he wasn’t a cop? Or if she didn’t live so far from his work? Different as in if they both weren’t afraid of facing their emotions? Would they be able to make a go of the wonderful and inexplicable feelings between them then? “Yeah,” he finally said. “It could have been more.”
Much more.
“Maybe you could talk to her about it.” Alexi nodded toward the bluffs, where Hannah had appeared.
Her hair whipped about in the light wind, and the sundress she wore danced around her long legs. She walked the path away from them. Just watching her go caused a deep ache. A need.
And only she could fill it. “We don’t really have anything to talk about,” he said.
“I’m betting you do.” Alexi rose to leave, but she stopped to give him a kiss. “Love you, Zach.”
Then he was alone, on the sand, with Hannah fifty feet away. As if she sensed him, she slowly turned, then looked right at him.
He walked toward her. “Hey.”
“Hey.” She sent him a small smile. “Alexi pestering you again?”
“As always. She’s opinionated, especially about...”
“About...?”
“Us,” he said bluntly. “She’s fond of meddling.”
“Does she know about the other night?”
“She’s trying to figure it out.”
“She just wants to know if she lost.”
“Lost what?”
“Oh...” She bit her lower lip. “Some silly bet.”
“About?”
“About...toilets.”
“You guys had a bet about toilets?”
“It was nothing, really. You see, Tara and Alexi started this stupid bet on who could get unsingle for the summer.”
“Unsingle.”
“Yes. It seemed so easy—only it wasn’t easy at all, not for me, because I never date. So I decided to make my own personal goal.” She gave him a rueful look. “And I think you know what that was.”
“This...was all about a bet?” Any warm and fuzzy feelings he’d been secretly harboring pretty much disintegrated on the spot. Never mind that he’d been worrying she would want more
from him, when he couldn’t give it. The idea that what they’d shared had been all because of a bet hurt more than he could have imagined. “So what did you win?”
“Zach, it only started out that way, I—”
“What did you win, Hannah?”
“Nothing, because I didn’t tell them what...happened between us.”
“What will you win when they find out?”
Remorse flashed across her features. “Well, that’s the thing. It’s not so much a winning, it’s what happens to the loser.”
“And what would that be?”
“They have to clean the toilets—all of them in the lodge—for the entire summer.”
“So I saved you a bottle of disinfectant and some elbow grease?” he asked in disbelief.
“I honestly figured I’d lose,” she said earnestly. “But then you showed up—”
“And you decided the heck with cleaning toilets, I’ll just sleep with Zach. He’ll oblige me.”
“No! No, it wasn’t like that at all. When I saw you again, after all that time, it brought back feelings I’d had for you...” She hesitated, glanced at him to see how he was taking this, and clearly decided he wasn’t taking it well at all, so she speeded up. “It was awful.”
“Awful,” he repeated dully.
“Yeah, but not in the way you think.”
“Maybe you should explain.”
“I’m not sure I can. It’s just that I looked at you and something...happened.” She blinked at him, as if willing him to understand. “I felt as though we were the same, both lonely and aching for something, but not knowing what. It was so good to see you again,” she said simply. “It was like the homecoming I didn’t know I was missing. I didn’t know how to react.”
“So you slept with me.”
“Well, it wasn’t easy,” she said with a low laugh, but her smile disappeared when he didn’t smile back.
“Okay, yes, so I slept with you.” She sighed. “I was tired of being a virgin, okay? Tired of wondering what it would be like to be held and kissed and wanted by a man. By a man who maybe cared about me just a little.”
“Well you got that last part right at least,” he told her grudgingly. “I care about you, and more than just a little.”
“Really?”
God, the look in her eyes hurt. “Really, but—”