Deep Down (Crush Book 4)

by Elouise East

  Craig’s eyes filled with tears as his brain evicted another memory that needed more digging through to find the meaning behind it. At the time, he knew he’d been in the wrong; he should never have flirted with Darren’s friends. But now, he wasn’t sure he had been. His tears overflowed as he questioned every memory he’d ever had with Darren. He couldn’t reconcile the two sides of the same person. One was loving, caring and kind; the other was a bully and abuser. It didn’t make sense.

  “You’re awake!” Craig cringed when Alex’s voice sailed through the silence, and he rolled his head to the opposite side. “What’s wrong?”

  Craig closed his eyes, knowing he hadn’t fooled Alex one bit. He moved back, eyes leaking consistently. “I can’t figure it out.”

  “Can’t figure what out?” Alex asked.

  “How could I not know what Darren was doing? It doesn’t make sense!” Craig was frustrated because his brain wouldn’t let him connect the dots. It was throwing memories and information at him randomly, and he couldn’t sort through it all. Not enough to explain to Alex what the hell was wrong with him.

  “You don’t need to figure it all out right now. And you don’t need to do it alone.”

  “What do you mean?” Craig asked.

  “There’s a psychologist who can speak to you and hopefully help you get your thoughts in order if you’d like to? But when you’re ready.”

  Craig nodded. “Yes, please. I want to understand what’s happened and what is happening. Everything is confusing.”

  Alex slid his hand into Craig’s and squeezed. “Everything will be fine. Everyone here is trying to help you, and they will do whatever is needed to do that. You’re not alone.”

  Craig paused, more tears escaping. “I’m scared. But I have no idea why I’m scared. And that’s the worst part.” His throat felt thick.

  Alex sighed. “I will make the psychology appointment as soon as I can. You can make a start on getting it clear. Don’t force it now. You’ll get yourself more worked up, and you need to relax.” Alex let go of his hand, and he felt the loss. “You need to rest. I know we’ve been poking and prodding at you all night, but you should be able to sleep for several hours now. I’ll let the nurses know I’ve checked you over and you pass inspection.” Alex grinned.

  Craig sniffed and sighed. “Thank you.”

  “No problem. Sleep. And when you wake, hopefully, I’ll have news about the appointment for you.”

  Craig didn’t respond, his eyes too heavy. Sleep claimed him after he felt the fingers combing through his hair. He wasn’t scared. He knew it was Alex, and Alex was safe.

  Chapter 12

  Alex

  Alex silently closed the door behind him as he left, wishing he could stay with Craig indefinitely. Unfortunately, he was supposed to be working and had to attend to his other patients, too. He wandered over to the nurses’ station, finding Gloria alone, filling out paperwork.

  “Hey, Gloria.” Alex dropped into the adjacent seat with a sigh.

  “Wow, that has to be the most depressing sound I’ve heard from you in weeks!”

  Alex rolled his head on the back of the chair to face her and gave a smile, though he was certain it lacked strength. “I’m worn out. I could do with a holiday.”

  “Couldn’t we all? Your fella is doing fine, Alex. You need to remember to fortify yourself; otherwise, you’ll be no use to him at all.” She returned to her papers. “Go get some food inside you. I bet you haven’t eaten properly in days. I’ll hold the fort here.”

  Alex snorted. “You keep this place functioning, Gloria, and we all know it.” He stood, stretching his arms overhead and yawning. “Oh, could you request Dr Bagworth to give me a call when she’s free. I’d like to discuss her seeing Craig.”

  “Sure thing. Now, get.” Gloria pointed down the hallway, her gaze focused on her work despite her orders.

  Alex chuckled. Nobody could get away with bossing him about, except for Gloria. And now Craig. He’d do anything either of them requested. Entering the restaurant, he chose food for energy more than nutritional value and sat by the window. Alex wasn’t particularly hungry, but Gloria was right that he hadn’t eaten properly for a few days. He usually picked whatever was to hand because it was quick and meant he’d be back at the hospital faster.

  Glancing up when someone approached his table, he smiled. “Hey. What are you doing—?” His heart sank at the expression on Logan’s face. “What’s happened?”

  “Gloria told me I could find you here.” Logan sat opposite him with a sigh and leaned his forearms on the table.

  “Where’s Ava?” Logan’s partner was missing from his side, which was unusual.

  “She’s outside Craig’s room.”

  “Why?” Alex had figured out the reason, but he wanted Logan to confirm his suspicions.

  Logan pinned Alex with his gaze. “Darren’s been released on bail.”

  “What the fuck! How the hell did he pull it off?” Food forgotten, Alex fought to retain his composure and not dart straight up to Craig’s room to protect him.

  “Someone put up the money. Or he had some stashed away himself. I don’t know.” Logan leaned back in his chair and rubbed a hand over his face. “Look, I’m sorry, Alex. I wish we’d been able to keep him longer, but it’s out of my hands. Luckily, there is light at the end of the tunnel because there are conditions to it. Darren must stay at one address, which is not his home address, for obvious reasons, and he’s not allowed to contact Craig at all. He’s also had his passport seized.”

  Resting his head in his hands, Alex slumped in his seat. How was Craig going to take this? It was more important than ever to get him in to see the psychologist now. “Craig’s agreed to see the psychologist and talk things over with her.” He lifted his head.

  “That’s good. He might remember more information if he begins talking things through.”

  “He’s right on the edge, Logan. I don’t know which way he’s going to fall. He’s strong, but this has taken its toll on him.”

  “Then, let’s help him.” Logan leaned forward again, pressing his forefinger into the tabletop. “Let’s nail the bastard.”

  “How?”

  “Talk me through everything once again: your concerns, your home visits, what you saw, what you heard, anything you can think of, even if you don’t think it’s significant. Give me everything you have, Alex.”

  He did. Alex explained the finger marks around Craig’s neck on his second visit, about the crack in the wall he saw in Craig’s living room and the military precision neatness of the house. He detailed all his thoughts and concerns until his voice was hoarse, and he was interrupted by his pager beeping. He excused himself and used the phone in the restaurant to call the nurses’ station.

  “Hi, this is Dr Wick.”

  “Hey, Alex. Dr Bagworth has confirmed she is free now if you want to go and see her?”

  “That’s great. Thanks, Gloria. I’ll head over now.” He replaced the receiver and headed back to Logan. “I need to meet the psychologist.”

  “Sure. I think you’ve covered most of it, and you know how to reach me should you think of anything else.” Logan stood. “I’ll walk back to the ward with you.”

  Alex asked about Casey as they waited at the lift.

  “He’s good. Enjoying his few days off, I believe.”

  “If he’s anything like me, he’ll be sleeping. If I have more than a couple of days off, I sleep two days solid.” Alex snorted.

  Logan smiled. “Yeah, knowing him, he is flat out, right now.”

  They reached Craig’s room. Alex saw Ava posted outside the door. “Hi, Ava.”

  “Hi, Dr Wick.”

  “Alex, please.”

  Ava nodded. She had never been one to talk excessively but getting a word in edgeways would be difficult with four older brothers. Having a slim frame with long limbs was deceptive with regards to how strong she was. She could hold her own. Logan had told him a story before, whi
ch showed what she was capable of.

  “Right, I’m going to see the psychologist, and I’ll be back shortly.” Alex wanted to see Craig, but he wouldn’t wish to leave if he did.

  “We’ll keep an eye on him. Don’t you worry.” Logan squeezed Alex’s shoulder before Alex walked off, fighting not to circle back.

  Dr Bagworth worked on the same floor as Craig’s ward, luckily enough. Alex knocked and waited for her entry words.

  “Hi, I’m Dr Wick.” Alex held out his hand as he strode towards her.

  “Hi, Dr Wick. Nice to meet you.” Dr Amanda Bagworth had blonde hair cut into a bob with a fringe that flirted with her metal-framed glasses. She had a round face, with blue eyes and a wide smile that made you instantly at ease. Wearing a pale-yellow blouse tucked into black trousers, flattering her slightly rounded figure, she exuded the part of a psychologist.

  “Nice to meet you, too, Dr Bagworth. How are you settling in here?”

  “Oh, please, call me Amanda.” Amanda had been working at the hospital for the past three months after the previous role holder had retired hastily due to ill health. “I’m doing alright, thanks. Busy, as expected.” She picked up a file. “You’re here to speak to me about Craig Talbot, is that correct?”

  Alex nodded. “Yes. I approached him this morning about the option to see a psychologist, and he seemed receptive, eager, to talk about his situation through with someone.”

  “Sounds reassuring. I won’t ask you anything else about the case. I prefer to hear from the patient first, and if I need to, I will speak with additional people, should Craig agree.” Amanda appeared to know what she was doing. “And it so happens I have an appointment spare this afternoon because of a cancellation. Do you think he’d be agreeable to see me then?”

  “Yes, I think he would. I’ll be heading back to check on him after this anyway. I can let you know as soon as I’ve spoken to him.”

  “Perfect. I’ll pencil him in, let me know either way.” Amanda paused, studying Alex. “Why is this important to you?”

  Alex was surprised by the question, although he shouldn’t be. He wasn’t going to hide anything because that wouldn’t help Craig in the long term. “I’ve developed some feelings for Craig,” he held out his hand to forestall any interruptions, “but nothing has happened, and nothing will happen until Craig is ready for it. Nothing. You have my word.”

  Amanda smiled. “I’m not concerned about your ethics, Alex. I know they mean a great deal to you.” At Alex’s raised eyebrows, she continued, “Your reputation precedes you.” She chuckled.

  “I feel protective of him, and I can’t help wanting to take care of him.”

  Amanda exhaled in a sigh. “Craig will have a long journey ahead of him. He will have to learn to support himself before allowing someone else in. It won’t be easy for him. It’s an extensive road to travel. Craig needs stability in his life, a friend. Can you be that friend, Alex? Can you be a friend and leave all your feelings out of the picture? Because that is what Craig will need.”

  “I will do whatever is necessary to live up to the person Craig needs me to be.” Alex nodded.

  Amanda smiled. “I believe you. But I will withhold my judgement until I have spoken with Craig.”

  “I understand.”

  They said their goodbyes and Alex strolled back to Craig’s room, wanting to check in before he dealt with other patients. He knocked and entered, pausing when he saw Logan with Craig.

  “Oh, sorry. I’ll come back later.” His feet stalled when Craig called his name.

  “You can stay.” Craig appeared more refreshed than earlier in the day, and Alex wandered over to check his file and the machines.

  “You’ve not mentioned your family.” Logan tilted his head.

  “I’ve not had anything to do with them in the past couple of years.”

  Alex checked Craig’s blood pressure, surreptitiously watching the frown lines come and go on Craig’s forehead.

  “I’m not entirely sure when we quit talking, although I do remember they used to have a go at me about Darren every time I spoke to them.” Craig chuckled half-heartedly. “In hindsight, it should’ve brought up red flags, huh?”

  Logan leaned over the bed, bringing Craig’s gaze back to his. “Would you like to get in contact with them?”

  Craig returned his gaze to the ceiling, silently. “Yes.”

  “Do you want to call them, or would you prefer someone else to?” Logan asked.

  “If someone else calls, Mum will have a panic attack and blow it all out of proportion.” Craig rolled his eyes.

  Alex silently agreed with his mum but wisely didn’t say anything. “When would you like to call them?”

  Blowing out a breath, Craig shook his head. “Maybe later.”

  “I’ve spoken with the psychologist. She has an appointment available this afternoon if you would like it?” Alex stood next to Craig’s bed, arms crossed over Craig’s file on his chest, staring into those sea-green eyes. Alex was overjoyed with the still-visible spark.

  “Yeah? Great. I think my calendar’s free,” he joked.

  Alex and Logan laughed.

  “Okay, let’s see about sitting you a bit more upright. We won’t move it too far as I don’t want to generate extra pain, but it might give you something better to watch than the ceiling tiles.” Alex used the remote to lift the back of the bed to about forty-five degrees. “Right, see how it goes. If you feel your pain increases, let any of us know, and we’ll lower you slightly.”

  “Thanks.” Craig’s head rolled across the pillow to face Logan. “Thanks for all your help, too.”

  “You’re welcome, Craig.” Logan nodded at Craig.

  Alex replaced Craig’s file at the end of the bed. “I will head out and confirm the appointment with Dr Bagworth. I think she might come here to you, but I’ll let you know later.”

  “Thanks, Alex.”

  Alex nodded and left, bypassing Ava in the hallway and headed to call Amanda. The quicker Craig started talking, the better as far as he was concerned. She might be able to help him find the courage to contact his parents.

  Chapter 13

  Craig

  “Someone will be back to pick you up in an hour, Craig,” Gloria confirmed as she clicked on the handbrake of the wheelchair after rolling him in to see the psychologist.

  “Thank you.”

  “Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer to lay down?” Gloria frowned at him, and he halted his fidgeting.

  “No, but would I be able to move to the comfy chairs?” His eyes pleaded with her.

  “Oh, alright.” Gloria helped him move to the sofa, and he relaxed back into it with a sigh. Gloria chuckled. “Yeah. After that sigh, I’ll see to it you get some more pillows for your bed tonight.” With a smile, she closed the door behind her, leaving his guard stationed outside.

  Craig focused on the woman in the chair opposite him.

  “Good afternoon, Craig. I’m Amanda Bagworth. I don’t stand on ceremony here; you can call me Amanda.”

  “Hi, Amanda.” Craig threaded his fingers together on his lap, hoping to keep from showing the twiddling he usually did when he was nervous.

  “Don’t be worried. I will be writing notes as we talk, but please ignore me. I do it because my memory is atrocious, and I would never remember everything we talked about.” She snorted as she placed a notepad on her crossed legs.

  “That’s fine. I don’t expect to have your undivided attention.” Craig wasn’t used to being the sole recipient of focus, except for when he was with Darren, and even then, he played second fiddle to Darren’s phone.

  “Oh, you will have my undivided attention, don’t you worry. It is, after all, why we are here. Is it not?”

  “I suppose.”

  “Dr Wick tells me you were eager to speak with me. Can you tell me why?” Amanda’s gaze was focused solely on Craig, which was unnerving.

  He glanced at his hands, frowning, trying to put into words what he
was feeling. “Because I’m trying to reconcile the man I know—or knew—with the man other people are saying they see.”

  “And how do you see him?”

  “Darren has always taken care of me. He took care of the bills, maintenance of the house, replacing broken equipment. He allowed me to work from home, doing what I love. We went out with friends occasionally.” Craig peered at her. “He loved me.”

  “And how do others say they see him?”

  Craig shook his head, frowning some more. “They see him as an abuser. Someone who hurts me, someone who doesn’t care about my welfare.”

  “Are you struggling to see that about him?”

  He hesitated, eyes dancing around the floor. “Everything I thought was real, has been false, hasn’t it?” His voice sounded quiet and lost to his own ears.

  “Has it?” Amanda cocked her head to the side. “I’m by no way condoning what happened, but was all of it fake?”

  Craig delayed his answer. “I don’t know.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “About not knowing?” he asked. Amanda nodded. “Confused. Wary. Alex seems to think it’s black and white.”

  “Ah. Nothing is ever black and white. It’s all the colours that help you get from white to black, which assists you in figuring out your thoughts and emotions.”

  Craig lowered his gaze once more. It was better knowing there was no right or wrong answer, for some reason.

  “Tell me about your relationship with Darren,” Amanda asked, her left hand resting on the wrist of her right on top of the notepad. She didn’t fiddle with the pen she held at all. It was as if she had learned not to make a single movement without considering the implications of it first.

  “We met through my work. The company he worked for had asked him to source a website designer, and I’d been recommended. Most of our conversations during the design process were over the phone or by email. After the project was completed, the company offered me an annual membership to the gym as a bonus for getting it finished early. I agreed because I knew how much time I spent sitting down for work.” He shook his head. “I finally met Darren on my first visit. He’d wanted to introduce himself and offered to show me how to use the equipment.” Craig glanced at Amanda. “You have to do those safety check things—I don’t know what they’re called—but they have to show you how to use the equipment before they let you do it yourself.”