Agatha H and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

by Phil Foglio

  Von Pinn grinned, a wide nasty grin full of sharp teeth. She slowly began to drag her broken body forward across Lucrezia’s legs. “Not quite,” she whispered.

  “Release me this instant,” Lucrezia said imperiously. “That’s an order!”

  Von Pinn hissed in amusement. The leather encasing her body creaked as she advanced. “That will no longer work, you filthy thief of souls. It was not easy, but I have found ways to break your hold on me.”

  Lucrezia’s efforts to escape took on a new urgency. “Ridiculous! You cannot resist me! I made sure of that when I built you! Stop, I say!”

  Von Pinn’s metal claws hooked into Lucrezia’s belt and the construct pulled herself higher. “Ah, you built this cage, but you did not build me. Have you forgotten your ‘greatest triumph’? Even trapped in this miserable flesh, I am Otilia—the Muse of Protection.” Lucrezia opened her mouth and a hand of steel and leather closed on her throat. Her eyes bulged in terror.

  “No . . . ” Lucrezia choked out. “Can’t die. Too . . . important . . . ”

  Von Pinn’s face drew close. She glared into Lucrezia’s eyes. Her terrible jaws snapped together in a fearsome grimace. “Then run,” she snarled.

  Lucrezia shuddered once, her eyes began to lose focus and close. “Curse you,” she whispered. “I’ll be back . . . ”

  She retreated.

  Agatha opened her eyes and gave a strangled choke of surprise. “What? Von Pinn! Stop!”

  With a smirk, Von Pinn released her grip and collapsed fully atop Agatha.

  “What was that all about?” Agatha asked, as she struggled to extricate herself.

  “Your mother was always a coward,” Von Pinn said dreamily. “She could never tolerate pain. You should remember that.” Her voice trailed off as she slipped into unconsciousness.

  Moloch von Zinzer sat brooding. Ordinarily, he would be assisting the sparks in refurbishing the great cat-like security clank that lay stretched out on the floor. Today, however, with four different sparks crowding around the clank—arguing, jostling, and attempting to work on it all at the same time—he merely watched from a safe distance, perched on a crate that had been pushed to one side of the room.

  Beside him sat Fräulein Hexalina Snaug, Doctor Mittelmind’s minion. They were sharing a small sack of raisins. Snaug was observing Moloch closely. The little mechanic had undergone a radical transformation in the last day or so.

  Ever since he had been sentenced to work in Castle Heterodyne, Moloch had earned a reputation as a clueless screw-up. The general consensus was that the only reason he was still alive was because no newer prisoners had arrived to take his place in the Castle kitchens.

  But that had changed ever since the Heterodyne had appeared. Something about her presence had shaken him so badly that he had undergone a startling transformation. He started handling other minions, sparks, and the Castle itself with an artless efficiently that was the envy of the other minions, and had even been noted by some of the other sparks.

  Thus it was with some surprise, and no little embarrassment, that Hexalina found herself entertaining certain fantasies that had her blushing. Moloch heard a faint sigh and glanced over at her. A touch of concern appeared on his face as the girl beside him appeared slightly flushed. “You okay?”

  Snaug nodded. “Just worried about . . . ” she waved her hand to encompass everything in sight. Moloch nodded. “What are you thinking so deeply about?”

  “The Castle. Didn’t I once hear Professor Tiktoffen say that it was alive?”

  Snaug nodded. “It’s a point of some contention amongst those sparks who dabble in artificial intelligence, but Tiktoffen said the Castle—that is, not the walls, exactly, but the part that’s, well, dead now, I guess—” she threw out her chest and waved her arms about “—exhibits many of the prerequisites that would allow us to classify it as an intelligent entity.”

  Moloch snorted at the accuracy of the imitation.6 “No, I don’t mean smart. That’s obvious. I mean . . . alive. Like you or a . . . a construct.”

  Hexalina paused. “Oh. I see. Well, that’s what Tiktoffen believes. He claimed it was an entirely new form of life. Why?”

  Moloch slapped a stone. It shifted slightly. “Because when you kill something, it usually starts to rot.”

  The two of them absorbed the implications of this, then hurried to the sparks to offer assistance.

  Unfortunately, not a lot of constructive work was getting done around the mechanical cat. One of the sparks, Theopholous DuMedd, happened to glance down in time to see a small clank dragging off the micrometer he’d been using. His yell caused a modest swarm of similar small clanks to flee, all clutching tools and equipment. Theo chased them until they disappeared into a large crack in the wall, dragging their spoils behind them. With an oath, he flung his work gloves to the ground. His fury doubled when another tiny clank popped out, grabbed the gloves, and dragged them out of sight as well.

  “This is not going well at all,” he snarled. “Those confounded little clanks of Agatha’s have gone out of control! They steal parts! Tools! When we repair something on this beast, they nip in and rip out something else!” He gave the clank a kick. “We’ll never get this thing moving at this rate!”

  Moloch nodded and began checking the hoist controls on the makeshift lift. He stared down into the hole Agatha had blasted in the floor of the Castle and gave a resigned sigh. “Guess I’d better go get spooky girl and Wulfenbach and let them—”

  “NO!” Professor Caractacus Mezzasalma drew himself up on his mechanical legs and glared. “We do not need to run to a Wulfenbach every time we have a problem! We are sparks! We can solve this!” The others nodded in agreement. “It may take years! Endless toil! The blood of thousands of minions! But our science will triumph!”

  The other sparks cheered. Moloch rolled his eyes.

  Princess Zeetha and Airman Axel Higgs regarded the cavorting sparks from a safe distance on the other side of the room. They shared a significant glance. Zeetha nodded and pulled a small mechanism from her pocket. “Oooo—kay. I think it’s time for this.”

  Higgs leaned in to examine it. It was a small, decorated metal sphere. “What is it?”

  “Don’t know,” Zeetha admitted as she hit the only switch, “but Agatha said it would help, and really at this point—how much more trouble could it be?”

  The sphere shivered. Small panels slid aside releasing a set of arms and legs that unfolded with a snap. A mismatched pair of eyes swiveled open and examined the room. It turned back to Zeetha, nodded once, and leapt to the ground and scuttled away.

  Higgs cocked an eyebrow. “I guess we’ll find out.”

  The walls of Castle Heterodyne contain unusual spaces. Places where corners come together in odd ways, secret places sealed away for forgotten reasons, and, of course, places where the mechanisms that allow the Castle to perform its many wonders are housed.

  In the Castle walls, two separate teams of dingbots, each led by a small commander, were busy assembling devices intended to crush their opposite number. Each of these primaries7 was fiercely territorial and regarded the presence of the other primary as a direct challenge to their control. They marched among their troops clicking and whistling with smug self-importance.

  An unearthly music unexpectedly began in the room outside. Both teams of little clanks froze. Dreamily, they dropped tools and began to move towards the sound. They thronged into the room and gathered around the hulk of the security clank, waiting. The sparks who had been rebuilding it danced backward, trying their best not to trip over the single-minded tide of clanks. Standing atop the security clank was the music’s source: the little round clank that Zeetha had activated. The rest stared up at it, mesmerized. The two primaries pushed their way through the group until they stood at the front, gazing upwards in evident astonishment.

  The music ended and the singer gazed down on the assembled crowd. The two primaries blinked, then each understood—with fury—that it was s
tanding next to its hated rival. They moved to fight, but the round clank rang out a single clear tone and both primaries dropped to their knees. Atop the new clank, a small hatch folded open with a crisp snap and revealed a minuscule crown. The assembled clanks stood frozen before their new ruler. It clapped its jewellike hands once and, without a word, the clank armies became one. Surging forward, they overran the giant security clank like ants on a hill.

  Everyone stared at this flurry of activity in amazement. Theo leaned back and nodded in approval. “They’re repairing it.” he said. “This looks promising.”

  Doctor Mittelmind gripped his arm. “A promising disaster,” he growled. “Can you not see it?”

  Theo blinked. “Um . . . no?”

  Mittelmind indicated the organized chaos swirling before them. “Observe! Those little clanks are building! Designing!”

  Diaz’ eyes widened. “Spitting in the face of the creator!”

  Mezzasalma gasped. “Warping science!”

  They all looked expectantly at Theo, who felt like he was letting down the home team. He shrugged. “So?”

  Mittelmind smacked the back of his head. “They are taking our jobs!”

  “We are doomed,” Diaz declared.

  Mezzasalma concurred. “DOOOOOMED!”

  Theo rolled his eyes. “Nonsense! These things are but tools!” He scooped up a clank that had been attempting to straighten a steel strut with only a tiny hammer. He tried not to notice it seemed to be succeeding. “New, complex tools, certainly. But surely there are unique strengths that we, as men of science, can provide that these little mechanisms cannot.”

  The three sparks looked abashed. Mezzasalma rubbed his jaw. “Oh. Well, certainly . . . ”

  The others nodded and looked like they might relax, when Moloch, who had been deep in conversation with Snaug, wandered up and took notice of what was happening. “Oh not these things again.” he groaned. “They start by being helpful, but soon they’ll build something terrible that could kill us all!”

  The three older sparks went white. “DOOOOOMED,” they moaned.

  Suddenly there was a shudder and a prolonged rumble. A huge billow of smoke and dust erupted from the shaft now opening in the floor. When the room stopped shaking, they all crowded around the edge and peered downwards. Higgs lit a torch, dropped it—they were able to follow it even through the dust—and saw it bounce and land on a heap of rubble almost a hundred meters down.

  “That happened faster than I thought it would.” Moloch muttered to himself.

  Diaz shook his head. “I do not know what you were expecting, but that was an explosion from a bomb. Someone did this deliberately!”

  Zeetha looked stricken. “Agatha,” she whispered.

  Airman Higgs carefully put his pipe in his pocket. “Master Gilgamesh is down there too. Guess we’d better go see if they’re all right.”

  Moloch raised an eyebrow. “You ain’t going this way.”

  Higgs nodded. “Lady Heterodyne carved this hole. There are other paths.”

  “Well . . . sure. But where are they?”

  Higgs paused, and realized that everyone was looking at him. “I . . . think I can get there.” Moloch looked skeptical. Higgs hesitated, then continued. “I . . . found a map.”

  “A map!” Professor Diaz perked up. “That could be useful indeed! Where is it?”

  The airman shrugged. “It’s down in the lab.”

  Diaz frowned. “That does not do us much good, then.”

  Higgs tapped the side of his head. “I remember maps.” The professor opened his mouth, but Higgs continued. “Who’s coming with me?”

  Zeetha stepped up. “I am.”

  A tiny smile scurried across Higgs face. “Good.” Zeetha felt inordinately pleased at this reaction. She tried to hide it by looking to Krosp. “How about you?”

  “Of course,” the cat responded. “Agatha’ll be lost without me.”

  Higgs turned towards Moloch. “How about you?”

  Moloch looked alarmed. “Why me?”

  “You’re useful.” Higgs slid a glance towards the huge security clank and the little clank army that swarmed it, working furiously. “Don’t think you’re needed here. Of course, the madboys could probably think of something to do to you . . . ”

  Moloch clapped his hands. “Let’s go.”

  Theo DuMudd and Sleipnir O’Hara, friends of Gil who had helped him gain entrance to the Castle, were standing to the side, watching. Sleipnir leaned in towards Theo. “A map?” Her voice was the barest whisper, practiced during countless pranks and adventures back on Castle Wulfenbach. “Of this place? That doesn’t even—”

  Theo answered with a matching whisper. “I know. But he says he can get us back to Gil and Agatha.” He narrowed his eyes as he studied the airman. “If he’s got to claim there’s a map in order to do it? Fine. He found a map.” He raised his voice to call: “We’ll come too.”

  Zeetha nodded. “Yeah, you can handle the spark stuff.” She turned to Professor Mezzasalma. “Can the rest of you get this thing running?”

  The professor gave an offended snort. “Of course!” He then paused. “If those wind-up mice will let us.”

  Zeetha nodded, then strode up and confronted the queen clank. “Hey! Agatha needs this cat monster thing up and running as soon as possible! Help these guys make that happen, got it?” The diminutive ruler reared up, clearly offended. It then considered the warrior princess who stood before it and gave a clear nod of acquiescence.

  Zeetha turned, caught sight of Mezzasalma’s smirk of triumph and buttonholed him before he could move. “And I’ll be checking to make sure that’s all you had them do, so no bright ideas. No extras, no deviation from what’s already here. I know how sparks think.”

  The professor looked into her pitiless eyes and swallowed. “That’s . . . quite a reasonable demand, considering the circumstances.” He swiveled his eyes back. “Don’t you agree, my dear fellows?” Both Diaz and Mittelmind looked like they were sucking on persimmons, but they gave stiff nods nonetheless.

  Fortunately, Doctor Mittelmind’s natural ebullience could not be contained for long, and with a sigh, he shrugged and declared, “To work everyone!” He leaned towards Fräulein Snaug. “Prepare a list!”

  Hexalina shuffled her feet. “Um, actually, Herr Doktor, I’d like to go help find the Lady Heterodyne.” Her master turned towards her, astonishment writ large upon his face. She continued, “Please, sir?”

  Mittelmind glanced over at the security clank and its busy repair team. It was a fascinating sight. “But why?”

  Moloch stepped up to her and touched her shoulder. “Hey, are you coming? I’d feel better having someone at my back who wasn’t completely nuts.”

  Snaug glanced at Mittelmind. “Maybe. In a minute.”

  The mechanic nodded, grabbed a toolbox, and legged it back to the group assembling around Airman Higgs. Snaug watched him go, a look of longing on her face. The doctor observed this and a knowing smile softened his features. Fräulein Snaug looked back up at him hopefully. “Ah. Yes, of course.” Mittelmind awkwardly patted her head. “Off you go, girl.” He then snapped out a hand and prevented her from darting off. Once he had her attention, he raised an admonishing finger. “But no permanent damage. He belongs to the Lady, now.” A quick pout crossed Hexalina’s face and her hands clenched in frustration—but Mittelmind was adamant. She gave a small huff and nodded. “Yes, Doctor.” Mittelmind smiled and released her. Snaug caught sight of Moloch and repressed a small thrill of anticipation. Permanent was such a delightfully high bar.

  Violetta closed the fastening with a satisfying snap. “There!”

  Everyone gave a sigh of relief. Once Lucrezia had retreated, Agatha had scooped up her locket, holding it close to her with one hand as, with her other hand, she rushed to release the others from their glass prisons. Zola had damaged the necklace when she yanked it away, so Violetta repaired the clasp while Agatha held it in place.

  N
ow, the locket was, once again, firmly held at Agatha’s throat. “Thank you, Violetta.” Agatha gave it an experimental tug and frowned. “Maybe I’d better just weld the thing onto an iron ring.”

  Violetta rolled her eyes. “Don’t be overly dramatic. A good solid lock will work fine.” She cast a scornful eye towards Gil and Tarvek, who were busy seeing to Von Pinn. “Whose adolescent slave-girl fantasies are we indulging here?”

  Agatha quickly changed the subject as they joined Gil and Tarvek beside one of the lab’s operating tables. “How is Madame Von Pinn doing?”

  “I’m amazed she’s still alive, actually,” Tarvek confessed.

  Gil shrugged. “Constructs of this type are notoriously tough, and we’ve managed to stabilize her for now.”

  Tarvek shook his head, “But her body is definitely on its way out.” He began ticking items off on his fingers. “We need to extract the Castle entity from the body of the Muse, Otilia. Then we need to transfer Otilia’s mind out of the body we know as Von Pinn and into a suitable clank body until the Muse can be repaired. Then we have to transfer the Castle entity back into the Castle system.”

  Gil nodded. “It’s like a sliding puzzle in that we can’t do anything until we do the first step, and we can’t do that until the others get back with that watchdog clank.”

  “No.” They turned at the firmness in Agatha’s voice. “We can’t wait. We have to leave as soon as we can.” Agatha strode over to a bench and grabbed a brass tube and began stringing wires through it. “Zola now has access to all of my mother’s—Lucrezia’s—memories, right?”

  Tarvek waggled his hand. “Yes, for the most part . . . ”

  Agatha turned to Gil. “And your father is probably still planning on destroying the Castle.”

  Gil nodded. “I’m sort of counting on him not doing so while I’m inside . . . but, yes.”

  Agatha selected a coil of copper tubing, snipped off a length, and began bending it into a fanciful hook. “That’s two very powerful enemies, one inside the Castle and the other outside.” She laced wiring about the base of the coil and began attaching it to the tube. “Nobody here—” the wave of her hand indicated the room, the Castle, and probably Mechanicsburg as a whole “—is safe until I get the Castle running again.” She glanced down at the construct on the slab. “That includes Madame Von Pinn here.”