Agatha H and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

by Phil Foglio

  He then reared back and clapped her shoulder. “But today you should relish your victory!” With another small bow, he stepped back into the crowd. Agatha bit her lip.

  “Yeah, he’s going to be a pain in the neck.” She blinked and saw Moloch now walked by her side.

  She smiled in delight. “You’re alive! You made it out!” She spoke to the open air, “Thank you, Castle.”

  A nearby gargoyle harrumphed. “He earned it.”

  Moloch was pleasantly surprised at this, but had his piece and was determined to say it. “So we’re square? The Castle is fixed and you’re queen. Good luck with that.”

  Agatha nodded.

  Moloch took a deep breath. “Then I’m out of here. Just wanted to let you know.”

  Agatha considered this and turned to Van. Moloch braced himself. “Herr von Mekkhan, please see to it that Herr von Zinzer has new clothes, a good horse, and the equivalent of a year’s salary as befitting my chief minion.”

  Moloch gawped. “You’re . . . you’re not going to force me to stay?”

  Agatha smiled. “That is not how one treats one’s friends.” She extended a hand, and the two of them shook. “Despite everything, you’ve proved yourself a very good friend indeed. If you ever return, please come see me at once.” Agatha moved on. Moloch watched her go, and found mixed feelings roiling about inside him.

  “You’re leaving.” He turned and found Violetta staring at him, a curiously blank look on her face.

  “Yeah. I always said I was going to. This place is crazy.”

  “Yes.” Violetta nodded. “You did. It is.”

  “You’re staying?”

  “Yes.” Violetta’s eyes grew luminous and to Moloch’s horror, started leaking tears. “I have to.”

  Moloch felt something was terribly wrong, and then realized that Violetta being unhappy really bothered him.

  He found himself gripping Violetta’s arms, which at least had the effect of stopping her tears. “You don’t have to stay here,” he said earnestly. “You’re like, the one person I’ve seen here who seems sane. You should . . . you could . . . come with me.” He saw Violetta’s face and knew he’d crossed a line of some sort.

  “I mean, just until you find someplace better.” He looked at her helplessly. “I know I got no right, but . . . but I’m really worried about you, and if you stay here . . . ” He pause and then slumped a bit. “You know? I think you’d do just fine. But I’d still be worried about you.”

  This scene had a growing circle of discrete observers, all of whom were starting to panic at the idea of the Lady Heterodyne’s chief minion actually leaving.

  It was Ognian who snagged a nearby bottle, shouted, “Lonk live der Heterodyne!” and lurched into Violetta in such a way that Moloch protectively enfolding her into his arms was completely natural.

  During this timeless moment of revelation Vanamonde took his cue and stepped up. “Forgive me, Herr von Zinzer. But could you stand to stay here in town at least until tomorrow?” He gestured about. “It will take us until then to get you everything the Lady Heterodyne stipulated. We’ll put you up, of course, in one of the finest remaining hotels.”

  Moloch frowned and glanced down to see Violetta looking up at him—hope shining from her eyes. “You could . . . you could dance with me at the party,” she whispered.

  Moloch smiled back. “That would be nice.”

  A drain gurgled next to Vanamonde. “Find the second-best dressmaker in town,” the Castle rumbled. “The Lady Violetta’s façade will be clad in a very pretty dress before the first lanterns are lit in the banquet halls tonight. Do I make myself clear, young von Mekkhan?”

  Van nodded in agreement as he moved on. “Clear as crystal, my dear Castle.”

  When Franz had removed Gilgamesh from Mechanicsburg at Agatha’s behest, he had paused on one of the detritus-filled fields surrounding the town, and secured what appeared to be at least a hundred meters of heavy-gauge airship mooring cable, with which he had thoroughly cocooned the furious young man. He had then deposited him on the crest of a hill outside the entrance to the Valley of the Heterodynes, within full view of the Wulfenbach forces that had paused to sort themselves out after their retreat, and then given him a firm shove.

  So thorough a job had Franz done, it had not been until they had hauled Gil aboard Castle Wulfenbach that sufficiently strong cable cutters could be located so that the heir to the empire could be freed safely.

  To the surprise of the technicians, the Baron himself stepped in and ordered everyone else out while he began the process of snipping cables. Once he gotten into the rhythm of the thing, Klaus spoke. “What happened?”

  Gil watched his father’s hands as they effortlessly cut the metal strands and listened to himself answer: “She knew there was something wrong with me.”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Gil made an effort. It was easier to assert control over his own vocal cords now. “I know.”

  Klaus momentarily paused and then continued. “Is that so?”

  The thing that shared his mind began to recede and Gil nodded. “While I was in Castle Heterodyne, I underwent a modified si vales valeo procedure that included both Agatha and Prince Sturmvarous as well as myself.”

  Klaus looked shocked and opened his mouth—

  “It was foolish, but I thought it necessary. I can provide you with a full report, as well as blueprints, wiring diagrams, and a few improvements I’ve come up with since. I think that, with modifications, and under proper supervision, it might be of use in rehabilitating some of the comatose patients in the psychiatric ward. Now, do you want to yell at me, or do you want to hear the important part?”

  To Gil’s astonishment, a faint smile flickered across his father’s face and he said nothing. Gil continued. “The reports of shared immune systems and the synchronization of biometric systems are quite accurate. However the degree to which those involved share mental awareness and an understanding of personalities of the other people involved has been, in my opinion, seriously underreported. I suspect those who were involved in previous experiments were either afraid to chronicle effects they could not substantiate, or else they discovered things about themselves or the people that they were connected to that they thought better left unsaid.”

  Klaus considered this for a moment and then conceded the point. Gil continued. “The upshot of this is that Agatha knows me. Knows what I’m like and was able to tell that the person whom she encountered in Mechanicsburg was not the same person. It’s as simple as that.”

  Klaus sighed. “Yes, the simple things tend to prove the most inconvenient when one is making Grand Plans.”

  “Father, this connection went both ways. I can assure you that Agatha is a genuinely good person. Oh, Lucrezia is there, in her head. I felt her, faintly, like a maniac screaming impotently in a locked cell, but Agatha—”

  “Irrelevant.” Klaus spoke with a cold indifference. “The fact is that Lucrezia is in her head and can assume control any time she weakens.”

  “Granted,” Gil said, “much like how the copy of you that has been placed in my head can usurp my body whenever it so desires.”

  “NO!” There was anguish and fury on Klaus’ face now. The cable cutter handle bent within his fist. “The overlay persona will only activate in the presence of the Heterodyne girl, or if it senses you going against the well-being of the empire.”

  Gil’s face softened. “Forgive me, father. I know this wasn’t really your idea.” Klaus said nothing. Gil continued, “We will overcome this, sir. Together, we will.”

  Klaus sighed as the final cable parted. “I have to tell her you said that.”

  Gil patted him on the shoulder. “I didn’t say it was going to be easy.”

  The great square that surrounded the Red Cathedral was packed with townspeople, along with the few remaining tourists who were determined to stick it out. Astonishingly, people had managed to excavate enough musical inst
ruments that a respectable band was blaring away, and the Official Song of Mechanicsburg filled the air. Agatha listened and realized with a start that the words she was hearing were not the ones she had heard when she had first entered the town. Van noticed her reaction and shrugged apologetically. “Those are the old words, my Lady. My grandfather had it rewritten so that it wouldn’t scare the tourists away.” As the crowd began to sing along, Agatha could see how that might have been a problem.

  Another section of the square was bustling with activity of a different sort, and from her time in the circus, Agatha recognized the signs of a large communal kitchen being set up. Enormous pots and tables had been produced, and a steady stream of people and constructs were lugging sacks and casks from every direction. Several dozen fires and stoves were lit, and rows of portable food carts, grills smoking, already had the mouth-watering aromas of grilled meat and onions, bread and other savories beginning to spread. Wagons overloaded with gigantic barrels appeared, pulled by cheerful-looking constructs who had the bodies of burly men and the heads of horses. They set up and began to dispense water, beer, wine, and several things that Agatha was unable to identify, though the people drinking it seemed very pleased to get it.

  Progress towards the entrance to the cathedral was slow, as at almost every step a fresh crowd of townspeople saw her and spent several minutes roaring their approval, evidently at her mere existence. It was the release of the pent-up fears and frustrations of almost sixteen years, and Agatha realized that there was no way to safely circumvent it.

  Along the way, the Castle provided a running commentary about the state of the town, informing her when the last of the fires were extinguished and the final roads cleared. Officials kept appearing, ostensibly to report to Vanamonde but, in actuality, to get close to Agatha and see she was actually, really, finally here. By the time she reached the base of the cathedral stairs, this group had formed a crowd within the crowd. But then, as she ascended the stairs, the people around her began to fall away, until only Tarvek, Van, Krosp, and Mamma remained. Even they halted as she climbed the last few steps. Finally, when she reached the great threshold before the enormous carved doors, she turned and saw the entire population of Mechanicsburg—humans and clanks, constructs and monsters—assembled silently before her. Agatha blew a lock of hair out of her face.

  When she spoke, she heard her voice was again amplified and easily carried to the back of the crowd. “I am Agatha Heterodyne. Daughter of William Heterodyne and his wife Lucrezia.” Cheers erupted and continued for almost a minute.

  She gestured towards the Castle. “The Castle has been repaired and recharged. The prisoners who survived have been freed, as per the agreement, and they are here among you.” More subdued cheers this time.

  “As you may have guessed, our relations with the outside world are off to a rocky start. I am told this is normal.” Nervous laughter skittered through the crowd.

  “However this is due to a misunderstanding. I desire nothing more than friendly and profitable relations with the empire, as well as the rest of Europa.” Enthusiastic cheering, especially from the merchants.

  “BUT, until we clear this misunderstanding up, there will be problems we will all have to deal with. However I know that there is no other place I’d rather be, and no other people I’d rather have in my camp. Thank you.”

  This time the cheering went on for quite a while and, in several places, showed no signs of stopping. Tarvek climbed up, clapping softly. “Very well done indeed!”

  Agatha slumped and smiled. “Really? Because I thought I was going to pass out.”

  “You’re probably starving,” Krosp declared. “I know I am.”

  Agatha realized this was one of the most sensible things she had heard in the last hour. “You’ve convinced me!” She turned to Van. “Let’s go take care of all that stuff so I can officially rule Mechanicsburg with an iron fist!” She poked Van hard in the shoulder. “But after that, I’d better see some cake.”

  Tarvek glanced at her. “You know, there’s more to being an evil despot than getting cake whenever you want it.”

  Agatha thought about this and was filled with a sudden conviction, one that would stand the test of time through everything else that happened to her through the years. “If that’s what you think, then you’re doing it wrong.”

  END

  APPENDIX

  The Original Mechanicsburg Song

  As we mentioned towards the tail end of our last chapter, the Lady Heterodyne heard the townspeople singing. Initially, she thought she was hearing the familiar “Mechanicsburg Tourism Song,” which can be heard throughout Europa wherever travel agents are established, and the full text of which can be found in our previous volume (Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle). This iteration of the song was composed close to twenty years ago by the popular balladeer, sophisticate, and bon vivant, Thomas (Tom) Smith.

  That, however, is not the original song, which is what the Lady Heterodyne actually heard.

  Monsieur Smith was indeed hired by the newly empire-empowered Mechanicsburg City Council for his musical abilities, but his task was to alter the original anthem that had been sung by the town’s inhabitants, in one form or another, for over three hundred years, as it was felt this song would not portray the newly domesticated town in the most desirable light to outsiders.

  These days, while the more palatable song is still known abroad, within the Valley of the Heterodyne, it is the original that has returned to everyday usage. We present it here, published for the first time.

  Mechanicsburg, Mechanicsburg,

  You’re wise to fear Mechanicsburg!

  A name that causes nightmares from

  Zelenograd to Rome.

  Mechanicsburg, Mechanicsburg,

  The Heterodynes’ Mechanicsburg,

  The scourge of Europa and

  The place that we call home.

  How mighty are her mighty walls,

  How deadly are her clanks,

  How impassible her mountains tall,

  With monsters in their endless ranks.

  The Heterodynes, they rule us all.

  We load their guns, we forge their steel,

  We know their house will never fall,

  They keep us safe beneath their heel.

  Mechanicsburg, Mechanicsburg,

  We live to serve Mechanicsburg,

  With blood and sweat and hearts and mind,

  With every erg and ohm.

  Mechanicsburg, Mechanicsburg,

  The greatest burg you’ve ever heard of,

  Scourge of Europa and

  The place that we call home.

  Scourge of Europa and

  The place that we call home.

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  Kaja Foglio attended the Fine Arts Department of the University of Washington, where she learned how to see past the façade of cultural stereotypes surrounding an object, be able to discern the artistic principles that said object was attempting to express and then elucidate these principles with an awareness of the artist’s purpose while acknowledging (without necessarily condoning) said artist’s own cultural biases and place in history, and not be embarrassed to ask people for money for doing so. Her first professional art job was for a small, independent, Seattle game start-up called Wizards of the Coast, for whom she produced several iconic Magic: The Gathering cards. The company she set up to sell art prints, Studio Foglio, later morphed into a publisher of books and comics, for which, thanks to the rigors of her university training, she is not at all embarrassed to ask for money.

  Phil Foglio has toiled in the fields of science fiction, comics and gaming since the 1970s. He won a pair of Fan Artist Hugo Awards in ’77 and ’78. He produced What’s New With Phil & Dixie for Dragon Magazine, adapted Robert Asprin’s Mythadventures for WARP Graphics, and independently published his own comic series Buck Godot-Zap Gun For Hire and XXXenophile, as well as doing work for DC, Marvel, Dark Horse, and a depressingly long list
of no longer existing companies. He has done work for numerous game companies, including Wizards of the Coast (Magic: The Gathering and Roborally), Steve Jackson Games (S.P.A.N.K. and GURPS IOU), Cheapass Games (Deadwood Studios and BRAWL), and Spiderweb Software (Avernum). He co-wrote the frankly silly science-fiction novel Illegal Aliens with Nick Pollotta. In his spare time, he did some medieval dancing and improv sketch comedy.

  Phil & Kaja met thanks to a diligent comics shop owner. They have been working on the Girl Genius series since 1993, which puts it in the running for “Worst Get Rich Quick Scheme Ever.” They were the first ever creators to take an established comics property and begin putting it up for free online, which to everyone’s surprise (including their own) immediately tripled their sales. As a webcomic (http://www.girlgeniusonline.com), Girl Genius won the first three Hugo Awards for Best Graphic Story. They enjoy traveling, the opera, gardening, and various video games.

  MORE GIRL GENIUS NOVELS

  AGATHA H AND THE AIRSHIP CITY: GIRL GENIUS, BOOK ONE

  Hardcover / $24.99 (available now)

  978-1-59780-211-6

  Trade paperback / $14.99 (available now)

  978-1-59780-212-3

  The Industrial Revolution has escalated into all-out warfare. It has been eighteen years since the Heterodyne Boys, benevolent adventurers and inventors, disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Today, Europe is ruled by the Sparks, dynasties of mad scientists ruling over — and terrorizing — the hapless population with their bizarre inventions and unchecked power, while the downtrodden dream of the Hetrodynes’ return.

  At Transylvania Polygnostic University, a pretty, young student named Agatha Clay seems to have nothing but bad luck. Incapable of building anything that actually works, but dedicated to her studies, Agatha seems destined for a lackluster career as a minor lab assistant. But when the University is overthrown by the ruthless tyrant Baron Klaus Wulfenbach, Agatha finds herself a prisoner aboard his massive airship Castle Wulfenbach — and it begins to look like she might carry a spark of Mad Science after all.