Graceful Scars

by Savannah Stewart

  I sat there in complete silence, staring at the check that paid for Zoey’s full semester at Graceful Moves, but it wasn’t the amount of the check that had me baffled, it was the way Talon could see right through the wall of bullshit that I had built around myself so people wouldn’t see the real me. I was the last person anyone would want their child around after all the shit I’d been through. Life had dealt me an outstanding hand, just to turn around and set it ablaze. Yet there I was, trying to gather up all of the ashes in hopes of building something just as good as what I’d had before.

  As the students began to come in, I found myself feeling a little more at ease. The silence of the studio was no longer present, even if the memories were. Talon hadn’t even made an effort to look my way, not that I was checking if he was, but Zoey was more excited to learn dance than a kid on Christmas morning. Adalynn hadn’t arrived yet, so I had to start the session on my own. I can’t even lie about how much my nerves were getting the best of me. My hands were sweaty and were shaking. Wringing them together, I sighed.

  “Maybe someday soon things will get better,” I told myself as I stared through my office window at the girls gathering around in a group.

  “They will get better,” Adalynn’s voice came from behind me.

  “I was beginning to wonder if you were leaving me high and dry,” I joked, but in reality my anxiety had caused me to actually wonder that.

  We closed the distance between us and embraced one another. Adalynn knew everything that I had gone through from the incident to the after affects, but she wasn’t the type of person who would tell me that everything would effortlessly turn back to sunshine and rainbows. When I was having an internal freak out, she was the person I turned to because I could count on her to calmly look at the situation and help me figure out how to deal with it.

  “I’d never do that and you know it,” she said as we stepped away from one another.

  “I know…I was just saying.”

  “How are you?” Her dark green eyes were packed full of sympathy.

  “I’m—I’m managing.”

  “You know if it’s too much, I can handle everything until you’re ready.” She rubbed a hand down my arm in reassurance.

  “I know. But it’s not fair to have you run this place without any help. It’s been long enough. I have to face the demons at some point, might as well be now.” I shrugged, and smiled weakly.

  “You’re right, you do. But let’s start with me teaching the classes today and you assisting. Sound good?” All the tension left my shoulders at her suggestion. I wanted to be back in my studio, to work with my students again, but I was terrified to just jump back into it. If I had a breakdown in the middle of class, I would lose all the creditability I had built for Graceful Moves, and I didn’t want to risk that happening.

  “I think that’s a good idea.”

  “Let me get changed and I’ll meet you out on the floor.” She picked up her gym bag and headed for the locker room.

  “Adalynn,” I called out just before she exited my office door.

  “Yeah?” She turned in the doorway.

  “How well do you know Talon Fisher?”

  “We’ve hung out a few times. Zoey, his sister, is starting today. He seems like a cool guy, why?” One of her perfectly manicured eyebrows rose in question.

  “They were the first to arrive today, I was just curious.” I diverted my eyes to an invisible spot on my leotard and began picking at the material.

  “Right…” She laughed. “I’m on to you, Tegan Carter.” And with that, she left me alone with my thoughts.

  Adalynn was a natural, and I couldn’t be happier that she had been the person handling Graceful Moves. I would be lying if I said I didn’t worry about how everything was going while I was MIA, but seeing Adalynn in her element was amazing. It felt a little odd being the class assistant rather than the leader, but I knew it was for the best and would help me hopefully get back to the point of being their full-time teacher again. With Adalynn pushing me along the way, the outlook of what was to come was filled with endless possibilities. The darkness was slowly beginning to fade, or at least I hoped it was.

  “Hey, Tegan!” Zoey’s cute little voice pulled me from my inner thoughts as I cleaned up my desk.

  “Yeah, Zoey?” I looked up at her smiling face.

  “Wanna go for ice cream with us?” She asked shyly, which was different from the bold way she had danced around the room.

  “Who all is going?” I leaned onto my elbows that were resting on the desk and smiled back at her. You couldn’t help but smile at Zoey, she was the type of girl who brightened up the darkest rooms by simply bouncing into them. Lord knows the girl didn’t seem to walk much. Skipping and bouncing seemed to be her form of getting around. If only I had a portion of her energy.

  “I am,” Talon replied before Zoey could.

  My heart was slamming in my chest as I looked past Zoey and took in Talon leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed over his broad chest. He smiled widely at me; he might’ve even winked, but all my rational thought went out the window as I sat there like a fool staring at him.

  “Come on!!!” Zoey hopped up on my desk, blocking my view of Talon, and took a seat on the edge. “Go to ice cream with us…” She smiled her semi-toothless smile and batted her eyelashes at me. This little missy was learning at a very young age how to get her way, and I was totally caving to her wants. Not that it had anything to do with her gorgeous brother or anything.

  “Sure, why not.” I pushed my chair back from the desk as Adalynn came around the other side of Talon.

  “Did you talk her into ice cream, Zoey?” She loudly pretended to whisper causing Zoey to bust out in laughter while shaking her head yes.

  “I knew you would be the one to do it.” Adalynn held up her hand for a high five and Zoey delivered.

  “Tricksters.” I laughed at the two of them and caught Talon staring at me, smiling as well. I averted my eyes as I walked past him so we could leave.

  Adalynn and Zoey were already to the car by the time I finished locking up, but Talon was leaning against the building watching me. “Can I help you?” I raised an eyebrow at him as he laughed.

  “Are you always such a hard ass?” He crossed his arms as I dropped mine to my side. I didn’t know how to answer that. I always masked my nerves with annoyance or by shutting down completely…ever since that night. I didn’t make friends easily, and honestly, I didn’t want any. Adalynn was more than enough for me but suddenly I was being thrown off by one of my student’s brothers. Just lovely…

  Instead of responding I shrugged my shoulders and turned to walk away, but Talon grabbed hold of my arm to stop me. “You know I’m just messing with you, right?” He searched my eyes for the answer and I had the sudden urge to run…to run away from all the feelings that had been ripped open. Maybe coming back to the studio so soon wasn’t the best idea.

  “Yeah…I know.” The clipped tone to my voice must have told him to leave me the hell alone, because he did just that. Talon walked on past me and got in the car without saying another word.

  The ride to the ice cream shop off Main Street was rather comical. Zoey kept playing new Pop songs on the car stereo and rambling on about dances we could come up with to the songs while the rest of us cringed at the horrid beats and lyrics of the so-called songs. The little girl had spunk. She had what it takes to make it to the top, and I would be surprised if she didn’t one day. By the time we arrived at our destination I thought my ears were bleeding from the mass amounts of uppity Pop music, and thankfully the ice cream shop was playing oldies. Even though they weren’t my favorite, it helped bleach my ears before the car ride home.

  “How’s your first day back been?” Adalynn asked only loud enough for me to hear her as we looked over the ice cream options that were written on dry erase boards above the counter.

  “Eh…it’s been decent I suppose.” I still hadn’t told her about what ha
ppened that morning with Talon. I knew I needed to, but I didn’t want Adalynn to start worrying about my well-being even more than she already did. She would most likely tell me to take a few more days off, or give me the option of selling the building and developing a new one. No matter what had happened to me that night, I could never sell the building that Graceful Moves was residing in. My parents had it built as a gift for me, and all the memories that went along with that place—the good ones, that is—weren’t something I wanted to let the evil in this world take away from me. So for the time being, what happened that morning was going to be my little secret—well, and Talon’s—hopefully he would keep his mouth shut.

  “Teg, if you feel like it’s too much at any time, please tell me. I’m not going to force you to take more time off. I know it’s your studio and you need to get back into everything to help move forward from all the bullshit, but you can’t do that with a clouded mind.” She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and squeezed me against her side. “How about we do something less stressful tomorrow since there aren’t any classes?”

  “Like what…” I eyed her questioningly out of my peripheral. Anytime she suggested doing some relaxing, I ended up with my ass at the mall or with some person plucking, waxing, and buffing my body. None of that was my cup of tea.

  “Just a relaxation day is all.” That damn smile of hers was spread widely across her face, the smile that I automatically knew would end up with me doing something I didn’t want to do.

  “Adalynn…” I warned.

  “Trust me, Teg, it’ll be relaxing and you’ll have a good time.” But before I could protest, the cashier called out for the next customer who just so happened to be Adalynn.

  We spent the next thirty minutes or so eating our ice creams of choice while Zoey continued to ramble about any and everything a seven-year-old could think of. How Talon managed to handle her on a daily basis blew my mind. She was jam-packed full of energy and no matter what activity she did, she was still bouncing off the walls.

  “Does she eat a bowl full of sugar for breakfast each morning?” I asked Talon. He laughed at my question and shook his head.

  “She’s always been very…eventful I guess you could say. I can’t let her out of my sight for very long or I’ll probably end up trying to clean up some craziness she’s stirred up.” He laughed again at the thought. His laugh was like music to my ears; I adored the deep reverberation of it and how it made me instantly smile. Nothing made me instantly smile anymore, until then.

  Chapter Two

  Three long weeks had passed since I had first stepped back into Graceful Moves. Adalynn’s patience with all the girls was outstanding, and at times I honestly couldn’t see myself taking the instructor role away from her. She wouldn’t let anyone give up no matter how much they wanted to; much like how she continued to keep me away from the proverbial ledge that I so desperately at times wanted to jump off of.

  After class I decided to stay behind and do a little dancing of my own. I hadn’t attempted to since my first day back when I all but flipped my shit on Talon. My nerves weren’t getting the best of me anymore, but I still hadn’t forced myself back into that locker room. I wasn’t strong enough for that yet…honestly, I didn’t know if I ever would be.

  I clicked the remote to the sound system and patiently waited for Pink’s Glitter in the Air to fill the room. As the beautiful piano started up, I slowly began to move my body along with the melody. I wasn’t wearing my ballet flats; instead I had ditched that attire and settled with plain black leggings, a plain grey leotard, and black dance shoes. Maybe wearing a different getup wouldn’t allow the demons to take control of my head.

  As the song continued on, I closed my eyes and let the feel of the music seep into my every move. The melody was beautiful, with a slight touch of sadness. Instead of simply hearing each word she sang, I felt it, deep within my bones. They say music has power, and I believe that. My legs were beginning to shake from the amount of dancing I was doing, but I kept pushing myself. The song was close to being over and I knew if I could make it to the end, I would feel like I had finally accomplished knocking down a small portion of that thick brick wall that stood in my way. My calves were becoming tighter and my feet were beginning to cramp as I closed out the song with a simple faille assemble, holding it for a few seconds before I collapsed onto the floor beneath me. My lungs were dying for a deep steady breath, but my legs were thanking the heavens for giving them a much needed break. I closed my eyes and began the breathing techniques the doctors told me to try whenever I felt like the world was closing in on me. Even though I didn’t feel like that at the moment, I thought it might help me cool down. As I took in the silence I breathed in deeply, held it for a few seconds, and then slowly exhaled before repeating the pattern three more times. As I exhaled the last breath on the final round I heard a commotion coming from the locker room area. I shot up from my lying position on the cool wood floor and frantically looked around the room. So much for the breathing exercises, my chest was rapidly rising and falling and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest at any moment.

  I wanted to take off running in the other direction, because everything about what was happening was all too familiar. My body was shaking from the overload of nerves, but I wasn’t going to let the fear control me. Not this time. I slipped into my office and picked up the aluminum baseball bat that was resting against the wall beside the door and headed for the locker room. I hadn’t stepped in there since…well, since that night, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to do it. As I got closer to the doors, a loud bang came from the door opposite them that led out into the back enclosed parking lot. You had to have the code to be able to park back there, so whoever was back there was definitely trespassing. I grabbed hold of the doorknob and opened the door slowly. I didn’t want to scare Adalynn or possibly one of the older girls who had the code to get back there if it was one of them. Ever since my incident, we allowed the girls who were old enough to drive to park back there, especially during the night classes. It was one of the safety precautions the insurance company had suggested to Adalynn when she was forced to meet with them because I had refused to. I wasn’t ready to talk about everything again. Dealing with numerous doctors, nurses, police officers, and counselors was enough, why the hell would my insurance company need to know how fucked up I was in the head after what that man had done to me?

  A shiver crawled down my spine as I took in the dimly-lit parking lot. With the bat clenched tightly in my hands, and resting against my shoulder, I took a step out of the door when I heard the loud bang again. I jumped back a good foot and barely caught my footing as the bat slipped from my grasp and hit the ground, clanging so loud that it echoed through the night air. If whatever was out there didn’t know I was sneaking up before, it surely did after that. Snatching the bat up from the ground, I took off running back into the building, slamming the door behind me and locking the three heavy duty locks on the door. Every door in the building had at least two new locks installed. Some even had more than that. Part of the reason I blamed myself for that night was because for weeks I had ignored the fact that one of the locks on the main door was broken. I kept saying I would fix it tomorrow, but tomorrow didn’t come until it was too late.

  When I had the door to the back parking lot securely locked I rushed to my office, shut the door, and slumped down to sit on the floor with my back against it. My heart was racing so fast that it hurt, and I couldn’t catch a steady breath. Thoughts of that night began to cloud my vision; I pulled my legs up tightly against my chest and cradled my head between my knees before wrapping my arms around them.

  “No…no…no…” My voice was shaking as I repeated the words over and over, like I was willing the memories away. “Pleeeeasse!!” I screamed as the tears raced down my cheeks, dropping onto my leggings.

  “Hello?!” I called out as I pushed the locker room door open. I knew I had heard something coming from the locker r
oom, but I wasn’t sure what it could be. I had watched everyone leave after the last class, so I knew no one was straggling behind. I loved to stay at the studio after practice so I could work on my individual routines. I had finally heard back from Juilliard and my audition for the Dance Division was only a couple weeks away, so spending every night in the studio working on my routine was the most important thing on my to-do list.

  Juilliard only accepted twenty-four applicants, twelve men and twelve women. I had to come up with a routine that would wow even the best dancers out there because the judges were beyond brutal. I needed to be one of those twelve women accepted. The only bad part about being accepted was what my next move would be with the studio. I had been searching high and low for someone to replace me if I got the slot, and Adalynn said she could handle it until I found someone. Dancing was never Adalynn’s dream, even though she was great at it! Hopefully something would come along sooner than later.

  As I stepped farther into the locker room I heard the sound of something hitting one of the metal lockers that were designated for the girls to leave their belongings in. Each dancer had her own locker and code to get into them. The girls frequently had to come back later in the night to get something they had left behind, so hearing sounds was nothing new.

  “Anybody in here?” I said as the door shut behind me. Tapping my hand against the wall I tried to locate the light switch. I knew it was just around the corner, which was a horrible place for it, but I couldn’t seem to find it. The dusk lighting that was peeking through the windows at the top of the back wall was giving me just enough light to see the shadows of the lockers and other items throughout the room.