My tattoo is itches me like crazy, but I love it. Mandy was scared and I had to hold her hand throughout the whole process. The pain that the needle inflicted was not the worse I had experienced, so I was strong for both of us for once.
The words I found were going to be inspiration to not fall into the deep end. We refuse to sink. These words would give us the strength to overcome anything life will throw at us, as soon as we are free. The weeks seem to fly, but now that I am leaving the hours seem to have slowed down. I want to say goodbye to my mother, but at the same time I don’t wish to see her. I don’t know what her reaction will be. I wonder if the elation yet fear of the unknown is normal. I wonder if this is how inmates feel when they have been in prison for years and they are being freed. The excitement of being out but not knowing how the world has changed or how the people are going to treat them, but I guess anything is better than being in a cage.
My last night in the trailer was uneventful, thank God. My mother once again is a no show. I wonder when she will notice, and since I am eighteen she has no say anymore in what I do or where I go, if she even cares. I know one thing for sure, she will be glad to get rid of the competition that she saw in me with the men these last three years. She is selfish and mean. I have to stay mad at her. If not the pain of her not caring will get the best of me again.
I hear the honk of Mrs. Scott’s car outside as I look around my home one last time, where I was neglected most of my youth. I take in all the memories that are flashing through my mind and wish I could leave them here like my furniture, but I know they are forever etched inside me. I make a vow here and now that even though I can’t forget them, I will silence them forever. I open the cage door and close it for the last time. I don’t know if I will ever come back here. I make it to the car without an emotion on my face, but as I close the car door a single tear slides down my face. I wipe it away quickly and take a deep breath. This is what I’ve wanted since forever, I can do this. I have to do this. We arrive at the airport while I was in a daze. I say goodbye to Mrs. Scott and thank her for the ride. I step on the curb and hug my best friend.
“Bye chica, be brave,” Mandy says with a sad smile. “I will be there in a couple of weeks.”
“You better not be late or chicken out, I will be waiting,” I order her. “And can you please check in on…”
“Yes I will. Don’t worry,” she says as she lets me go. I turn to walk into the airport and make my descent towards the terminal. I look around at all the people walking in and out of the airport and wonder how many of them are like me with nobody waiting for them at their destination. How many are starting their lives as of this moment? I take a seat contemplating the diversity of the people around me. In the aisle across from me there is this blonde skinny girl all decked out in designer threads. She is beautiful, but I can’t understand why she looks depressed. What does she have to be sad about? Maybe she broke a nail.
They announce my flight number, Delta Flight 201, and the blonde also gets up and walks to terminal to make a line behind the other passengers. Our gazes meet and she smiles; not a full smile, but an I’m–dealing-with-pain smile. I think I smile too. We get on the plane and I look for my seat 30B, when I spot it I look at who will be my neighbor for the flight and next in 30A is the beautiful blonde girl. So it looks like we will both be making our stop in Florence, South Carolina.
As I sit down she pulls out a red SCU fleece blanket and throws it across her lap. She looks at me and smiles again.
“Hi, I’m Katherine, but my sisters and friends call me Kat. Well, except Kylie,” she says with a cheerful voice. I have no idea who that is.
“I’m Olivia, and my friend calls me Livi,” I reply with a shy smile.
This is all the opening she needs to go into a monologue about herself. She tells me about her summer with her mother at MD Anderson Hospital where her mother is being treated for ovarian cancer, but she is okay for now. She asks where I am heading and that starts about a three hour infomercial about her sorority, Sigma Omega Sigma, aka S.O.S., where she is the reigning President. During her speech I become more comfortable with her and start becoming more determined to leave all my troubles behind. I have a chance to become anyone. So, when she breaks in conversation, I ask her to help me makeover myself and in return I promise to rush for her sorority.
Once we arrived we go to work. She teaches me about what colors go better with my olive skin which she is jealous of since I have a year around tan. She takes me to a salon where they cut and add gold highlights into my hair. They also wax my eyebrows, and other things that make me blush. She and some of her sorority sisters help me with make-up tips. I am having a blast, but I miss Mandy.
Once again, the weeks seem to fly by, because now I’m at the bus stop waiting for Mandy.
“Welcome to our new home.” I rush to her and hug her.
“Oh my God, Livi, you look beautiful.”
“Wait until we do you,” I respond. It still creeped me out to look in a mirror.
“Heck no, I have my own style, that I love by the way,” she says.
I convinced Mandy to rush with me, even though at first she flat out refused. I promised Kat. After two weeks of degrading dares and absurd chores I became a sister of the Sigma Omega Sigma, where I start to work my way into the sisterhood. I make sure I am on top of the class and we go to the best college party’s on campus. I am having the time of my life. It is like my first time tasting candy, I have a sugar rush on college life.
But nothing prepares me for what happens after my second semester in SCU when Kat’s mother loses her battle with cancer. They are going to have the mass and funeral in her hometown, so Kat decided to stay to help her family adjust. So with Kat leaving, her spot as President became open; we are having a meeting to decide who is taking over before Kat leaves. All the sisters have to vote, and I hope we get someone as awesome as Kat. We all write down our choice on a piece of paper and drop it in a box in the living room. I choose Kylie because she is VP. And the waiting begins. Kat and all the board members come out of liberation; I look all around the room and see the anxiety is on all our faces. I have come to love all the girls.
“Well sisters, we read all the ballots. The votes were unanimous. Your new President is, Livi,” she says.
I am stunned. All the sisters start to congratulate me. I look for Kat, but I see her in what looks like an argument with Kylie. I know she was pretty upset when they decided to vote for a President instead of just having her move up the ladder.
“I’m VP and 5th generation S.O.S., I am a legend. Besides she has no connections in the University or Greek Road,” I hear her argue.
Well, Kylie now I do.
It has been a year since I decided to leave my old life in hot-fucking Texas. A year of leaving behind all the darkness that revolved around me on a daily basis. A year of freedom that I worked so hard for, the reason I studied nonstop since I was twelve.
My sophomore year in college starts today, and Mandy and I have every course together this semester. We are saving on books since I don’t have a job and Mandy needs to save money for clothes and other things. Living space and food are covered since I made her join the sorority, which is convenient since she lives with me at the sorority house.
“Livi, hurry up! We are going to be late, and remember early fucking bird gets the worm,” Mandy yells through the restroom door.
“I’m going. I can’t seem to get my hair in place,” I say to her, trying quickly to perfect my hair. Mandy knows I hate being late for anything; times are set for a reason. I can hear her singing in the bedroom. She is always perky in the morning with no coffee required, even though she works until 3 am. I on the other hand, need it for survival purposes in the morning. Last spring she started working at this club downtown called Po!son, and according to her it is the best fucking club around, and the DJ is hot, something that I didn’t know since I have not gone to visit her there as of yet. But it is my mission sometime th
is month to go. All I have to do is finish with this year’s rush week, Kick-off Celebration, Homecoming, Halloween, and winter formal. Oh, and find my senior mentor for law school, and complete all my homework and papers in-between. I have to make an effort since she is the only person who loves me for me.
I walk out of the restroom after deciding that a ponytail will do. I have to look impeccable. I have a reputation to maintain, it being the first day of class and all. Kylie will not be forgiving if there’s anything out of place.
“Olivia, can I catch a ride to school with you?” Kylie asks. She is the only one that doesn’t call me Livi. She says that we we’re no longer on the playground, that we are powerful woman now, which I still don’t understand.
“Of course, no need to ask,” I reply. I hear grunting and can feel eye rolling behind me from Mandy, who for some reason doesn’t like Kylie. Mandy told me once that she felt uneasy around her, like a snake curling up and getting ready to strike.
First class is Psychology 103. Mandy and I took a lot of AP classes in high school to have a jump start, so our classes mainly consist of juniors and seniors. Kylie is majoring in economic so we don’t have any classes together, but we have the same schedules.
We all climb into my car to head to SCU, the place that has become my safe haven, sprawled throughout the center of town with the most beautiful buildings and surrounded by trees. I love fall on the east coast. Nothing compares to the lawns full of orange, yellow, and red leaves during this season.
Mandy reaches for the passenger door, but Kylie coughs. “Excuse me, but I always ride in the front, so move along, sister.” Mandy looks at me, but I just shrug. It’s too early in the morning to argue.
“So, Olivia, remember we still need to pick a DJ for the party,” she says while looking at her phone. She has a list for everything, and it drives me crazy. I know what I need, I have my own list. Our joint fraternity is hosting their annual meet and greets for the new football players that made the university’s team. Which is why I have no idea why it is our responsibility to fucking do everything?
“I know, I had Jennifer send me a two minute video of all the contenders yesterday to my email,” I reply. “I’ll check them out this evening after dinner. Then I’ll pick the top three and we can decide on Wednesday.”
“Hey, maybe you should include DJ Nix. I know he would love the exposure and a few extra bucks,” Mandy suggests.
“Sorry, are you on the committee to issue suggestions? Besides, this is a party, not a honky tonk hillbilly dance.” Kylie smirks.
“Put those nails back, kitty. Remember that I’m from Texas, too. Just have him send a video. I’ll look at it, but remember the committee has the last say so I can’t guarantee anything,” I intervene, looking at Mandy through the rearview mirror with a smile.
“He’s not country. His sound is great. He makes the greatest mash-ups, mixing old song with new songs. I’ll let Nix know so he can record a piece for you. Thanks, Livi.”
“We also need to go shopping for cute outfits. I want something new. Most of the school will be there and I want to look fucking hot. It must be great to already have a date and not have to search for one. It’s so great you have Brett, Olivia.”
Ah yes, boring Brett, our starting quarterback, but he is such a jock. I have been seeing him on and off since last year. Kat introduced us during Homecoming last year when I became a sister. She told me we would be the perfect couple, with my bronze coloring and his golden blonde looks, saying we are a striking couple. With that statement I was in awe. I never realized what came with being a couple. What he would expect and would he accept what I was not willing to give. Yes, I am in college where everything goes, but I have goals that I want to meet before I’m tied down with emotions.
“I’m still not sure if we are a couple still, Kylie. He hasn’t called me all summer.”
Parking in my spot, I step out of my car. I hug and wish Kylie a great day and start walking towards Pacific Hall. And because I was still thinking about Brett, it doesn’t surprise me when he materializes in front of me as I make it to the door.
“Hola, my beautiful Latin flower,” he says with his dimply smile. He is super hot, with clear sparkling blue eyes that match his beach blonde hair and washboard abs, and yet I feel nothing for him. Sometimes I think that my mother really did suck every emotion from me during all those years. I just can’t seem to feel anything towards him. There is no spark, no warmth, nothing period. I get chills every time he touches me, but it’s not the good kind. There have been times that I have flinched at his touch, and when he would take notice it would piss him off so he would go looking for other girls. So I know he has booty calls since I am not sleeping with him which bothers the rest of the sisters. I know they are looking out for me, but I can care less. If it wasn’t for the expectation for us to be together since he is a member of our joint fraternity, I would kick him in the balls or injure his throwing hand with my heels. He drives me insane. I have to make sure my role is complete, and that is why I also don’t throw him to the curb, but I know his time by my side is coming to an end. Because as much as I want to fit in, I don’t want to be charged with murdering his dumb ass. I don’t know what his plans are yet, and I have him for my first class so I guess I’ll find out.
“Hi, baby,’’ I say cheerfully, hugging him. Even Mandy does a double take. She knows how I feel about him and gets after me every time we are alone, always telling me to dump his ass. She will argue that nobody cares if he gets hurt, which she doubts the he is capable of having any feelings, and that there are tons of other guys that I can date. She doesn’t understand that if I am going to date anyone and suffer then I will do it from the top of the food chain. For now he serves a purpose.
“So how was your summer, babe? Did you miss me like I missed you?” he asks into my neck, kissing it as we walk to class. Mandy steps over and begins to walk behind us. This shit right here is what pisses me off. I haven’t seen or heard from him in two months and he just walks up and puts his hands and lips on me like it was just yesterday that we were together, but I have played this game all last year, so I brush it off and giggle.
“Yes, of course, Brett. You know you are not easily forgotten.” I hear Mandy gag. I am so busy fighting Brett’s hand that I didn’t see a guy stop in front of me until I bumped into him. I stumble, which brings Brett out of my neck to see what happened.
“Hey, watch it, loser. What, too much weed kill your brains cells?” Brett asks as he shoves the guy out of the way. Brett thinks that just because he’s a football star everyone will take his shit. I think the guy is going to say something because I can see his jaw clench, his body go rigid, and his hand make a fist. I am waiting for him to turn around swinging, but he doesn’t, he just moves out of our way.
“Tell her you’re sorry, you stupid fucker,” Brett yells. He is starting to make a scene, and all I want is to get to class. People that are busy walking to class now seem to slow down to see if there is going to be a fight. Sometimes I feel like I’m still in high school.
“Nothing happened, baby. Come on, it was my fault. I was distracted by your kisses. You know I don’t like to be late,” I intervene again, playing at his male ego, which is the safest choice at the moment. First Mandy with Kylie and now Brett and this guy; I feel like the teacher on duty at the playground.
I start to drag Brett into the room, leading him by the arm. I turn around to see if I can catch the guy’s face, since all I saw was his back the entire time, but once again I am treated with his back. He has turned around and is now talking to Mandy and she is smiling up at him. I pause, because Mandy didn’t have friends aside from me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, but when I am befriending everyone, she does the opposite. I don’t think she knows anyone from school. We have been sharing classes since last year. He must be a customer from her job or something.
He must be talking about us, because she looks at me over his shoulder and she gives me a frown. He moves
towards the row of seats behind us, towards the top. I am still not able to see him clearly.
I generally sit in the front row because I need to pay attention and have the Professors see me and hear me when I participate in class discussions, because I want them to remember me so I can later ask for a recommendation.
As the professor comes in and starts with the lecture of what he expects from us this semester and what we will need, I start to analyze the feelings that I did not want to think about in the last few minutes, because I didn’t know what to make of them. When my fingers had touched his back to keep me from falling flat on my face, I had felt all my blood rush towards my fingertips. That five second brush sent an explosion through my being; because I felt my internal axis shift. Why is he so different from the hundreds of college guys I have met in the last year? I glance over my shoulder once again to see him, and his head is bowed down over his desk and I see an earphone in his ear.
Great, another loser that doesn’t care about learning.
It’s the first day of my third year of college and already the day seems endless. My first class is about to start and I can already predict the lecture we are about to receive. How we are expected to make sure all our assignments are turned in on time, no late work. It’s the same thing over and over again about how this class will change your life. As I enter Pacific Hall I start thinking about Sky, his three year anniversary is coming up quick with only four more months to go. As the years have gone by, I always think that this will be the year that the guilt will lessen, that the hurt will become bearable, but no luck. His death still tears my heart apart. Losing him has been the hardest, most painful thing I have ever lived through.
I start to go into class, but I stop at the door to take a breath to clear my head. I don’t notice there are people rushing to get into class too, until I feel the hand of the person behind me brush my back to keep from stumbling into me. The hand is gone now, but I felt more in that second that I have ever felt in my whole life. My blood starts to warm up, and I clench my fist to keep all the sensations within my body. I don’t want the warmth to leave it.
Guarded Hearts Page 2