“Hey, watch it, loser. What, too much weed killed your brains cells?” I hear someone say behind me. I move out of the way, because I don’t want this stupid jerk to take away the shattering experience of what is going on inside my body.
“Tell her you’re sorry, you stupid fucker,” the asshole continues. I am rendered speechless. If it would have been any other time, that jerk off would have been on the floor by now.
Then I hear a voice, one I didn’t realize I have been waiting to hear.
“Nothing happened, baby. Come on, it is my fault. I was distracted by your kisses. You know I don’t like to be late,” she says. It is the most beautiful sound I have heard in a long time. Can I turn around and face her? Can I see the person that gave me the only moment of warmth in three years? I am debating this when I feel a touch again. The feeling is wrong; I feel nothing. Did I imagine it? I turn around just as the couple passes through the door.
“Hey, Nix. I didn’t know you came to school here.” I recognize Mandy from the club I work at, where I’m the resident DJ at the moment.
“Yeah, it’s my third year. I thought you were a sophomore, so why are you in this class?” I ask as I run my hand through my hair, a sign of my unease if you knew me, but nobody knows me. Not since Sky.
“Yeah, well, it is my luck to be friends with the school’s Valedictorian back in high school. She made me take all the Pre-AP classes that got us a head start in college. Sorry about Brett, he is a jerk, but he is Livi’s boy-whatever for now, so I have to deal with him,” she says. Livi, that’s her name. Cute.
“Well, since you are one of the smartest girls in class then I better sit near you,” I joke. I turn and see Livi looking in her book bag, her back is to me as I walk into class and go sit in the back, my usual spot. I hate that I can’t see her face, so I will be wondering what she looks like all day. The professor starts his boring speech. I can’t wait for the day to be over.
Lying in my bed, I think about how busy today is going to be. Tonight is our first major social event. I have so many things to get done and I don’t feel like getting out of bed. Waking up has become more of a struggle lately, more so getting myself out of bed. I don’t want to wake up, but if I don’t get up now I will be in panic mode later.
“Livi, wake up!” Mandy shouts, startling me.
“No, five more minutes,” I mumble as I keep my eyes shut and pull the covers over my head tighter.
“Get your ass out of bed!” Mandy shouts.
“Okay, mom,” I grumble.
“Stop being such a baby. Remember that it was your idea to belong to this stupid club and be this big popular girl. So move it, sister. I didn’t buy a stupid dress for nothing,” she complains.
“One, it’s called a sorority not a club, and second, you know that being friends with this big popular girl has its advantages,” I state, because everyone knows that sorority girls can get out of anything.
“Okay. Hurry up and go take a quick shower,” Mandy demands. “It will help you wake up.”
“Alright. Alright.” I stumble out of bed and head straight for the shower.
Finally out of bed and dressed, we head out of the house, and I finally feel like I can breathe.
“So how’s work? It feels like we hardly ever have time to talk anymore. And that’s sad, because we live together and have all our classes together,” I tell her with a sad sigh. I’ve been so busy these past few weeks with homecoming preparations, but we have never gone a day without any chit chat before.
“It’s work, Livi, what’s there to say?” she answers.
“Hell, I don’t know, you work at a freaking club. Any hot guys? Or girls?” I joke.
“Shut up! And no, I’ve been very busy at the club. We’re shorthanded, and even Taylor and Nix have been helping out after closing,” she says.
“Well, I’m glad that they’ve given you a small break tonight since you don’t have to work the party serving drinks,” I tell her. “I also want to thank you for helping with all my class work this past week. So the mani-pedi is on me. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life. Well, I have a good guess. I’d either be a junkie or pregnant at the trailer park.”
“No, Olivia, you have always been a fighter. You had goals even at a young age. One thing that has always been clear is that you have never wanted to end up like your mother. I had nothing to do with that. Anyone else would have completely given up with what you have gone through since early on. Because some of us aren’t as strong as we would like to believe we are, even if we have a complete support system in our lives. I admire you, Livi, you are my sister. My platonic other half. I just want you to value yourself worth, because I would love for you to see yourself like I see you.”
“I wish I could, but when you’re told since you are little that you are worthless, you let it define you. I can’t change what I feel or who I am completely. I can just pretend and carve my life away from her. But there are times I can still hear her voice when I’m doing something and don’t get it right, saying, ‘stupid, dumb niña, never can do anything right just like your asshole of papa.’”
I sigh at the memory of her voice reverberating in my ear. I hate that I can’t block her voice during moments that I just want silence. The only thing I am grateful for is that she has no place in my life now. And I know that in a certain way I should be grateful to her because she made me work harder to leave all that shit behind. I just hope that with time and distance my worth will make an appearance.
I know it’s my predisposition to love her since she is my mother, but how can a woman give birth to a child and destroy that child and call themselves a mother? That bond that we formed when I was in her womb is broken, she beat it out of me a long time ago. That is why I decided to protect my heart from all her vileness, because I didn’t want her to contaminate it with her hatred. I knew that at some point in my life I would still want to fall in love with someone, to have that warm fuzzy feeling when you mean something to someone in the world even if it’s just one person. As all the memories of my childhood come flooding back, my eyes start to water.
“Livi, don’t be sad. Remember that we have a hell of a party to go to tonight, one that my BFF organized and also found us some sexy dresses and kick ass heels. Let’s show all these football players what they’re missing, and I can’t believe Nix agreed to DJ for us tonight.” She laughs and gives me a hug. I need her in my life. She is my divine intervention, my night light in my own personal darkness.
“Yeah, you are right. Let me shake this fugly funk I have,” I say as I shake my body, pretending that I can get rid of all the bad memories just with a shake of the body.
“You are going to look smoking hot in the red dress tonight,” Mandy tells me.
“Whatever. I just hope Brett gets super wasted tonight so I only have to deal with a few kisses before he passes out,” I say, rolling my eyes at Mandy.
“He is not going to like it when he finds out that you’ve been playing him,” she says.
“He won’t. He’s too stupid to realize that we haven’t had sex. I always make sure he is super drunk when we go to his room.” For the past month I have been pretending that our relationship has moved to a sexual one, but I always make sure he is drunk when he moves from second base to homerun, because he usually passes out. Then I change into his shirt and snuggle with him, so I can wake up in his arms the next day. We haven’t had sex. My fear in getting pregnant is beyond normal. I know Mandy worries for my safety because Brett is a bullying jerk, but I learned a thing or two from my mother and her cohorts. Some people are just all bark and no bite, and that is what Brett is.
Walking back into the house, Kylie shouts, “What time are we heading out to the party?”
Looking over at Mandy, I am not sure what to answer. I just stepped a foot into the house and I didn’t know how long I would take to beautify myself. “Um, two hours,” I reply a little hesitantly.
“Two hours? What are you goin
g to do, wax your entire body? We need to be there to set up and make sure all things are there as planned, Olivia,” Kylie says, rolling her eyes at me.
I’m really unsure how long it is going to take me to get ready. Mandy and I had woken up early to get our brows waxed, a mani and pedi, and picked up my dress at the seamstress. The only thing I had to worry about was my hair and makeup. It shouldn’t take me long, but tonight I really do want to look my best. It is my first major party as president of S.O.S., and everyone is going to be there. I don’t want to disappoint.
I have chosen a simple, short, off the shoulder red dress with cute, strappy, gold jeweled heels. I needed to match the team colors, so it is a good thing my olive skin tone goes well with red. Mandy’s dress is gorgeous on the hanger in the store and even better on her. It’s a black strapless dress with specks of red along the bodice, it’s fitted and it accentuates her flawless slender figure, her shoes make her three inches taller and like a model. Like she doesn’t look like one already, even if she considers herself a nerd.
“I hate that you always look so perfect,” I tell Mandy as I eye her up and down. She has a beautiful body, she’s tall 5’8”, slender long legs, wavy fire-red hair that sits above her waist. I swear she could be a model even if she wears those nerdy looking glasses, because she’s beautiful. My body is just not made that way. I’m Hispanic, so I’m rounder around the hips, smaller around the waist, but Mandy? She’s just perfect. “What? I would kill for your body, do you know what I have to do to try to look like I have an ass? I have to walk like this.” She walks, slightly arching her back so that it curves her ass out. “And when I stand I have to stick out my hip to whichever side I think the guy I want to impress is standing so he can think I have a figure. You, on the other hand, don’t even have to try, your ass sticks out all the way around and guys are always looking at it,” she says, looking at my ass and waving her arms towards it.
“They are not. It’s you they look at because I’m with you, dumb ass.” We both start to laugh.
I just want this night to be over. Parties are the one thing I hate about being president because I have to be present at every one of them. They make feel like I’m back at home, people being drunk and some doing drugs. It is the very thing I was running away from.
“Hey, Livi, are you ready?” Mandy asks.
“Yeah,” I tell her, looking at her through the mirror.
“Okay, then let’s go. I’ll go get Miss Universe so we get this show in the road,” Mandy says, walking out the door.
We ride to the Frat house, and since they expect me to stay, I hand Mandy my keys as we arrive. As I walk inside the house I start to feel butterflies in my stomach. I have never had this feeling before, but I had heard about it from some of the other girls when they describe how they feel when they meet a hot potential boyfriend. Why now? I can’t feel this, my heart is not available for anyone; it doesn’t even know how to work properly. I know this feeling isn’t for the man I am seeing, but for the man I am hoping to see, Nix. Even saying his name in my head makes me nervous.
Walking in the house, I can feel the trepidation.
“Mandy, come with me to make sure all of the tables are set up where they are supposed to be,” I say.
“They should be. I told the guys where we wanted them,” Kylie mentions.
“In that case they’re probably in the wrong place,” I tell her. Guys never do as they’re told. They actually always do the complete opposite. And sure enough, I walk out to the back-yard and find the tables in two rows. Yeah, lined up like we are in elementary school. As we set up the tables, I hear someone open the back gate and set some stuff down. It’s him, Nix, but before he can notice me I rush inside.
The turn out is awesome, and it seems like everyone on campus is here and having a good time. Everyone except me, because all night I’ve been with Brett. Everyone who is anyone at the campus is at the party. The music is pumping loud, and it seems that Nix really does know what he is doing. The dance floor hasn’t been empty all night. The people have spilled over onto the front and back-yards. I hope the campus police don’t make an appearance, because the football players are all drunk. They’re probably going to get yelled at tomorrow by their coach. That’s why they all decided to drink, so that coach won’t be able to suspend the whole team.
It’s already midnight and the party has not slowed down. There is even a tag football game out in the back-yard. I can hear the yells from the football groupies, cheering them on.
I stand against the wall, the first moment of rest I have had all night. I start to think about the eyes that have been following me all night. How no matter where I am in the room, I know he is watching.
The party is beginning to wind down a bit, and as I am telling Mandy and my sister’s goodnight, Brett throws me over his shoulder, carrying me upstairs. Oh boy, I can’t believe he just did that in front of everyone, and I am wearing a dress. Now everyone knows what we are about to do.
I am putting my stuff away. I need to leave this fucking party. Since the moment I saw her she stole my breath away. I felt my heart start beating again when I saw her. She is beautiful. Ah, I get hard just thinking about how she looks in that tight ass fucking red dress. It’s pissing me off that the asshole has been all over her all night. I know I just met her, okay, I haven’t actually met her.
“Hey, gorgeous, do you have a name?” I hear someone from behind me. I turn around and standing there is this pretty hot girl. She looks familiar, though I can’t place her yet.
“Yep, DJ Nix,” is my reply. I want to finish packing my shit to go home and forget Olivia and her red dress.
“I just figured that was a stage name or something.” She giggles as she twists one of her red curls with her finger.
“It’s Phoenix.”
“I’m Kylie, by the way. I have never seen you around here before. Did you just move here?” she inquires.
“No, I have lived here all my life, I just don’t do college parties,” I tell her. I have tried to keep myself out of temptation. I have been sober and drug free for two years now and I really want to keep it that way. So college frat parties are out of the question since that is all they do.
“Do you fuck college girls?” She stuns me with her question.
“Not forward ones, sweetheart.” I know she is probably drunk and won’t remember this exchange. Well, I hope she is. I feel the heat going through my body. I know who is looking at me, and from the corner of my eye I see her looking at us with a frown. Did she not want me talking to her sorority sisters? Well, I didn’t either, she came on to me. Just then I see her flying through the air; her fucking boyfriend is sweeping her off her feet and throwing her over his shoulder. I really need to get out of this fucking house.
“Look, Kylie, I am really busy right now. I have to clear out all this shit, so excuse me.”
“Well, Amanda told me you work at Po!son, so you’ll see me there one of these days,” she says with a wink as she turns back around and walks towards a group of frat boys off to the side. And I see her forgetting all about me as she flirts with them. Good.
I am taking my speakers to the car when Mandy stops me on the driveway. Just fucking great, how many more interruptions am I going to get? I just want to get the fuck out of here, because just knowing that in one of those rooms upstairs Olivia is probably getting laid makes me see red. I have no idea where all this jealously is coming from. I don’t do feelings.
“Hey, Nix, you were awesome tonight, but you always are. Are you leaving already? I thought we could share a drink or something, before you go,” she rambles.
I’m really not up to being here any longer. “Sorry, Mandy. Can I take a rain check? I really have to be up early tomorrow and I don’t drink. Maybe coffee sometime after work?”I offer.
She is pretty with that flaming red hair and those cute glasses, but she isn’t my type. If these days indicated that I have a type, it is more for an olive-skinned beauty whose pro
bably reaching her first orgasm of the night upstairs. Stop it, Nix, I yell at myself as I feel my blood begin to boil just thinking about it.
“Catch you later, okay?” I tell her as I walk back inside to get my speakers and make sure I don’t leave anything behind. Because I sure as hell don’t want to come back in the morning when I could see Olivia after cuddling with the douche all night.
As I slam the trunk of my car my phone alerts me of an incoming text.
DD Base: Anyone near the homecoming party? On 9th St?
Tom: Not me. I’m still trying to get some girl out of my car at the dorms.
Josh: Just left there with a couple of guys, taking them to their apt. give me 45 min or so, ask Nix he was spinning there.
Nix: Yeah, I’m here about to leave. What’s the info?
DD Base: girl, red dress, standing on north side of house.
Nix: Um, it’s a homecoming party half the girls are wearing red dresses. Anything else? I’m walking towards the front, how drunk? Cuz man I’m in my car.
DD Base: She said she is Hispanic and she is alone. Don’t know. Sorry man. Good luck.
I shove my phone back into my pocket. Dammit, I hate to answer the calls like this when I’m in my car. These drunken assholes don’t care if they vomit all over my precious baby. But I am never going to allow anyone to drive drunk or get in a car with a drunk driver when I can stop it. Maybe the old me would, but not after Sky’s death.
As I round the corner, my breath catches. Olivia. What? She doesn’t like to spoon after, just fuck and go?
“Are you the one waiting for the DD?” I ask, my voice sounding breathless. Really? I clear my throat. “So are you?”
Guarded Hearts Page 3