She turns to leave, and I begin to go through my playlist when I see her turn back around out of the corner of my eye.
“Nix?”
“Yeah?”
“A bunch of us are going out to Myrtle Beach tomorrow. Come with us. We’re going to be meeting at the house around two to head out from there. It’ll be fun.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I tell her, not wanting to say yes, knowing Olivia will be there. I feel my heart race a bit. I’m not sure if it's because of the thought of her or the incident that happened back at the coffee shop.
“Alright, then,” she says, and heads back to the bar to prep before the crazy night starts.
It's Friday, I'm alone, and Mandy is working. My mind is going a hundred miles an hour trying to figure out what went wrong with Nix, what I said or did that make him just walk out on me.
I grab a towel and head for the shower. Hot showers are my favorite. The way the water burns my skin makes it hard to determine the pain, whether it's from the hot water or from the ache I feel inside. I love the water running down my face to mask the tears, and the quiet helps me to collect myself. It's my own therapy. I get out, wipe the steam off the mirror, and hate what I see. I can’t believe he has made me like this. I'm better than that. I wipe the mirror again and take another look, and I make myself see a strong, confident, beautiful woman and not the broken one from moments ago. I walk out to my room and sit on my bed, still in a towel, when I hear a knock at the door.
“Come in,” I say while making sure my towel is securely wrapped around my body.
“Hey, girlie, we’re going out tonight and you must come with, so get dressed. We’re leaving around ten,” Kylie tells me rather than asking.
“Where are we going?” I ask, knowing not to argue, and even though I'm not in the mood it might be good to get out.
“Club Po!son,” she says excitingly. I don't answer her; I just give a nod and see her walk out. Hearing my door close, I walk over to my closet and begin to look for a killer outfit. I choose my favorite black leather mini, hot pink tube top, and my black high heels. I'm going to be cold, but I have to look my best tonight. I know he will be there and I want him to see me.
Walking into Club Po!son, the first place I look is towards the DJ booth, and that’s where I see him. I have to stop to catch my breath. Hijo de su madre, I hate how he does that to me. He's looking down, too caught up in the music. He has on his headphones and the light from his laptop slightly illuminates his face, and he's beautiful. No, Olivia, he doesn't want you.
I look away and promise myself not to think about him. I'm supposed to forget about him and show him what he could've had. Fuck! Resisting the urge to glance that way is going to be hard. The girls and I head towards the bar, and I notice Kylie making a detour, heading straight towards Nix.
I take a seat at the bar and see Mandy approaching me. “Hey, you came to see me?” she asks.
“Of course. It's Friday, and I need to get my mind off things,” I tell her.
“So you're in need of a Po!son Apple?” The Po!son Apple is the club’s specialty drink. I don't even know what's in it, but I'm so tempted not to have her hold the alcohol.
The sisters and I have our drinks, all except Kylie. I turn around to look out onto the dance floor and I can't help myself when I look over at the DJ booth. I see Kylie laughing at something Nix must have said. I have to admit, I'm jealous. He likes her and doesn't like me. I can feel my heart race and feel the bass in the music coursing through my body. I scan the club and notice a guy looking at me. I give him a smile. He winks at me and begins to head towards me.
“Hey, gorgeous, wanna dance?” he asks in my ear. I set my drink down, look back at him, and take his arm so he can lead the way. As I'm walking toward the dance floor I glance back to the DJ booth and see Kylie running her fingers down Nix’s chest. Then I can't see anymore, because bodies are blocking my view. I turn around and focus on dancing. I can feel the adrenaline, everyone around me moving. My eyes are closed as I feel the beat and move with it, when suddenly I feel a hand on my hip. I open my eyes to see the guy who asked me to dance. He's good-looking, tall, with blonde hair and a muscular body. I can’t see his eyes, because it’s so dim, but he wants me. He turns me around so my back faces him. He places both hands on my hips and we keep moving to the music. Keeping my eyes closed, all I can think is that his touch doesn’t compare to Nix’s. Dammit Olivia, stop it!
The beat continues as the song changes, so I turn around to signal to him I'm heading back to the bar. He nods and we begin to walk together. He places his hand on the small of my back to guide me through the crowd.
I see Kylie at the bar, laughing and flirting with another guy, and I'm confused about the Kylie and Nix situation from earlier. I take my seat and my drink.
“That was great, thanks,” I say to the good-looking guy. I feel someone looking at me, and my instinct is to look towards the DJ booth, and as I glance at it I find Nix looking right at me. We make eye contact for a minute until a voice breaks in and I look away.
“Can I get your name, beautiful?” I am not sure if I want to give him my name or not, but I soon realize he at least wants me. Mensa, I sound just like my mother.
“Sorry, but dancing is all I'm willing to give tonight, sweetheart,” I say to him.
“Well, beautiful, if you change your mind I'm over there.” He leans down and kisses me on my cheek. “My name’s Adam,” he whispers in my ear and walks away.
“Why in hell would you let that walk away?” Kylie yells over the music as I turn to face her.
“I'm not interested,” I say, looking over at her.
“Maybe you might be interested in him,” she says, pointing to the DJ booth. I turn and find Nix still looking our way.
“I think he's more interested in you than me,” I say curtly, not sure what happened with them earlier but curious to know.
“Nope, wrong there, sister. He's been eyeing you since you walked in. You should've seen him when you were on the dance floor. Why do you think the music changed so fast?” she confides, and I begin to get more confused about this situation. He wants me, he doesn't want me.
I decide to make a bold move. I start to make my way towards the DJ booth. I step up towards Nix and he looks at me, unsure of why I'm here. I lean in, and he slides off his headphones from one ear as I lean in to whisper to him. I request a song. I don't know if people usually request songs, but I do, and it fits the occasion. I lean back and look into his beautiful eyes. I can feel my heart racing. He nods and I turn to leave. I'm nervous as I walk back towards my sisters. I have to focus on walking so that I don't fall.
“Come on girls, let’s dance!” I yell as I hear “Concrete Angel” by Gareth Emery come on, and I think I hear someone screech in reply. I find a spot on the dance floor where I know he can see me. I begin to dance with the girls, feeling every word of the song and the beat. I close my eyes for a moment. I turn around towards Nix to find him looking at me. I don't break eye contact as I dance to the song. It's not long before the song comes to an end and transition to another song. I walk off the dance floor and out of the club. I feel the need to escape from the emotions he is evoking in me, the feelings of being unwanted all over again, that I am not good enough to have something that I want.
“Bro, step on it. Don’t be a pussy,” I yell. I am fucking wasted. I feel like I am flying super high. We are going home after a party that was being held at this abandoned warehouse outside of town. It was a secret party since there was going to be a lot of underage drinking and drugs involved.
“Nix what if we get pulled over? I can’t get a fucking ticket, my parents will kill me,” Sky says, paranoid.
“Dude, my fucking father is the town judge. He will make sure nothing happens. Come on, there is a reason this car can go 180 mph. Step on the gas.”
“Fuck, this feels awesome, bro. We are flying,” Sky says, laughing.
I stick my head out the window, feeling the
night’s air on my face.
“Fuck yeah, we are fucking seniors. Can’t wait to leave this place and start getting college pussy,” I scream into the night.
Then I feel the flames of hell consume me.
I wake up with startled. I am drenched in cold sweat, like I always am after one of these dreams. It has been almost three years since the accident and months since I last dreamed about it. The guilt has been eating at me since then. What a stupid kid I was, thinking that I was fucking invincible, fucking unbreakable.
The first few months after the accident I would take medication to help me sleep and keep the nightmares away, but I stopped taking them, because why did I have the right to try to forget the damage I had caused? My mother didn’t approve; she wanted me to get better and talk to someone. For what? To find excuses, to find a way to move past it, to forget? No, that was never going to happen. It was my fault we hit the embankment. Yeah, technically I was not driving, but I was the one telling Sky to accelerate, knowing full well we were both drunk. I had been too drunk and high on cocaine to help Sky out of the car, my coordination was off, and I couldn’t find the seatbelt’s release button to help him out before the car went up in flames. He was burned alive. Through my drug addled mind I had heard his screams before I blacked out.
I turn to the clock and see that it is 4:30am. Shit, I am not going to be able to go back to sleep, they don’t open the campus swimming pool until five; I need a couple of laps to clear my head. I know why the nightmares have returned, because of Olivia. I feel guilty at being able to feel something for someone and Sky can’t. It is my reminder as to why I can’t be happy. Why I choose to push everyone away. I was such a jerk to her, but it irritates me that she is just into partying and having a good time. Yes, I know I am being a hypocrite, because that is what I had been planning on doing when I arrived at college when I was a foolish kid. I know I’m going to have to apologize to her when I see her again.
I collect my stuff and head to the campus gym that’s open twenty four hours so the athletes can work out. Maybe I could get in some cardio before the laps. I decide to do some weights and some boxing. I start my iPod and “Eye of the Tiger” comes on, there nothing like hearing Rocky’s anthem to get you into some upper body conditioning. I finish my cardio then head to the pool, I need some cooling down. I see that someone is here already, her body sliding the underwater. I jump in and start swimming.
I start thinking about before, about all the foolish things Sky and I got into. The pranks we pulled in high school. The parties that we went to and the pussy we shared. When I first started using drug, hardcore ones. I can’t say that I had a bad childhood or that I turned to drugs for an outlet. Nope, I did drugs because I could. The feeling that you get when you are in that high is unbelievable. I didn’t want to think about anything after the accident. I did my laps just thinking about all the plans that we had, all the dreams we made.
I am completing my last lap when a movement catches my eye, so I pause. The other swimmer is leaving the pool. Just looking at her ass is making me hard. Since I noticed Olivia I think my hormones are overly stimulated. She takes off her swimmers cap, and glorious brown hair cascades down her back, just like in those fucking shampoo commercials, where everything seems to go in slow motion. I feel like I am experiencing something epic. I feel hot. I guess my dry spell is coming to an end. If I can’t have Olivia maybe this girl can help me out. She starts walking to the locker rooms. Shit. I swim to the end of the pool and get out.
“Stop,” I call out. She jumps. Great, I startled her.
“Fuck, you scared me,” she says as she turns around, her hand against her chest and her cap dangling from her finger.
Fucking A, its Olivia. Should’ve known nobody makes my body feel this alive but her. And here I thought I was cured.
“Stalk much?” she asks, lifting her prefect eyebrow at me.
“Aren’t we full of ourselves?” I shoot back. “It’s the campus pool, Olivia. I can come when I want to.”
“I use the pool every weekend at this time and I have never seen you before. Anyway, was there something you wanted?”
“What?”
“Well, you did say stop, so I just figured you needed something.”
“No, I just thought you were someone else,” I say.
“Okay, well, bye then,” she says as she turns back around again to head to the locker room.
I run my hand through my wet hair and across my face. Why did she always reduce me to a wimpy teenager? I am an adult.
Aye madre mía y todos los Santos. Nix without a shirt and wet. Can’t I catch a break? I feel my knees go weak and my breath becoming shallow. Good thing he is a few feet away and couldn’t hear my heart beat. It is literally coming out of my body. Those abs and tattoos, I have to freeze myself before I go over and start licking the water off of his chest.
He scared me because I am used to being here alone. I needed those few laps before I started my weekend. It helps me unwind from the week of stress. I could clear my head and just submerge myself in the water. So it was a surprise when I heard him yell for me to stop. I should’ve known it was him, because my body reacted violently to his voice.
I turn around to go back to the locker room. I turn back to him before I lose my nerve.
“Hey, Nix, Mandy told me that she invited you to Myrtle Beach later today. Hope to see you there.”
“Okay,” is all he says. I leave feeling like I really want him to know the real me.
I can hear the commotion downstairs. The music is playing loudly and the girls are laughing, talking about the beach. It's almost time to go, and I have my stuff ready. I slip my bikini under my clothes, even though I doubt anyone was going in the water. It's beginning to get cooler out, which means a decrease in water temperature.
“Livi, what are you doing upstairs?” Mandy asks me while she looks at me lying on my bed. I've been lying here in the silence of my room staring at the ceiling and thinking about the club and my morning swim.
“Mandy,” I say, rolling up into sitting position so that I can to talk to her. “Do you think he'll come?”
“Probably not. He's not the type to go to hang out with the college crowd. He prefers to work on his music in his free time,” she says sounding like she's hiding something.
“You talked to him, didn't you?” I ask her accusingly.
“No. I only invited him to Myrtle Beach, I promise,” she says while holding out her pinky, extending her arm towards me. We pinky promise just like we when were little, and with that I take her word for it.
“Now come on, get your ass downstairs!” she yells, and I realize she's right. I can't let him consume me; no one will ever do that. Olivia, have fun, laugh, live, I tell myself as I head downstairs.
The atmosphere of the room is excitable. “It's going to be fun and cool,” I hear Kylie saying as she enters the room. I give her a smile and a nod in agreement. The energy is high; everyone is excited to have this mini vacation. I see one of the sisters peek out the window, noticing something, so I assume the boys are arriving.
“They’re here. Let’s head out!” she yells over the music. The girls begin to gather their things and head out as I walk over to shut off the music. I feel a hand on my shoulder.
“Have fun, Livi. Stop over thinking it,” Mandy tells me as I turn to look at her.
“I am, and I’m not over thinking anything. I’m going to go have fun today,” I tell her.
“Promise?”
“Promise,” I assure her as we head out the door.
Mandy and I squeeze into Tom’s truck. He has a black Toyota Tundra four door that’s high off the ground, and if it wasn’t for the side steps someone would’ve needed to help me up. Kylie is also riding with us as well and two other frat guys.
“You ladies don’t mind all the windows down?”Tom asks us with a smirk as he looks at Mandy and I through his rear-view mirror.
“No. We are heading to the beach,” I
shoot back. Tom annoys me, though I don’t know why. I guess it’s the way he carries himself. He’s always so cocky and thinks he’s God’s gift to women. I wonder what mirror he’s using. He rolls down all five, windows including the back window. I turn around and raise my eyebrows in amazement.
“Not all trucks do that, only the Toyota,” he says, directing it at me. “And that’s why I own one, sweetheart.” Ugh, being cocky. Maybe I should’ve gone with someone else. I hear the horns blaring, signaling everyone to head out.
Driving down the road towards the beach, the wind is hitting my face, the music is playing loud, and everyone in the truck is in conversation when I notice in Tom’s passenger side mirror a black Dodge Challenger. I know he’s not the only one who drives one, but I hope that it’s him. I don’t want to make it obvious, but I want to glance out the window to see who is in the car.
“Livi, stop over thinking things,” Mandy whispers to me and nudges my arm.
“What? No. I think it’s him in that car driving next to Tom,” I whisper back at her, directing my eyes towards the car, and trying to not to make it obvious, but failing because she turns around to look out the back window. She then begins to wave at the person driving the car.
“Yeah, it’s him,” she says, smiling at me as she turns around to sit down. I suddenly feel nervous that he is going to be at the beach with us.
Parking alongside the beach, Nix parks behind Tom, I open the truck door to take in the ocean breeze. I can see the boardwalk at a distance and the ocean; the vast beautiful colors of blue and brown make me smile. It’s nice and peaceful as I hear the sound of waves crashing down. Then it’s all over in a matter of seconds as the music blaring from our caravan overtakes the peacefulness.
“Come on, everybody! Let’s set up over there.” Kylie points to an open spot on the beach where we set up the volleyball net, umbrellas, chairs, and coolers. We all begin to walk towards the spot.
I discreetly look around for Nix when I hear his voice. “Hi, Mandy.”
Guarded Hearts Page 5