Guarded Hearts

by L. A. Corvill

  She sits up and pulls me up towards her. My body complies and I kiss her. She removes my shirt, and kisses me down my chest, running her hands along my sides. She undoes my belt and unfastens my jeans and pulls them off me, taking my boxers with them. She moves back on me and kisses the tip of my erection. I tilt my head back and grab her head.

  “Baby, it’ll send me over the edge,” I warn. I’m so fucking horny that I’m afraid I’ll come in her mouth if she slips it in. I don’t think she just heard what I said, because suddenly I feel the warmth of her mouth around me. It feels so damn good. She moves her mouth up and down my hardness. I’m trying so damn hard not to come.

  “Baby.” Saying it causes her to stop and I pull her up towards the bed. I turn her on her back, moving the hair out of her face and placing my body between her thighs. I can feel her sweetness on my tip, and damn, I can take her like this without a condom. But I can’t, I won’t be selfish.

  “You’re beautiful,” I say as I look into her eyes. I want her to feel it. I want her to know how much she means to me. She smiles and wraps her legs around me. The tip of my erection enters her, and all my senses seem to leave me. I push myself into her, feeling her warmth wrapping around me. I lie still inside of her. Damn.

  “I need a condom,” I say to her, not wanting to move. It feels so good, and knowing that if I do I’ll probably come.

  “Don’t worry about it. Remember I’m on the pill,” she tells me. I know I should still wear one, but maybe just this once, and then next time we will be extra careful.

  With that being said I pull out of her and thrust back in. I hear her take a breath and she wraps her arms around my neck.

  She leans in towards my ear, tugging at my earlobe with her teeth. “Baby, don’t be so gentle. Take me, I need you,” she says breathlessly.

  With that said, and in my manic sex state, I thrust in and out her, and her legs seem to open more for me, and it makes me thrust harder. I’m in so deep and I feel the building of my release. I know she is ready by the way she’s breathing, and I speed up and thrust into her a couple more times. I can no longer hold it, and as soon as I feel her pulsing around me, my release soon follows. Our bodies go limp, and I slowly collapse beside her.

  “O?” I really want to tell her I love her, but for some reason I can’t manage to say the words. The damn three word phrase. Maybe I’m’ afraid I’ll scare her or maybe I’m afraid she doesn’t feel the same. So I decide not to tell her

  “Yeah?” she says, turning towards me. I don’t say anything. I just kiss her, and she kisses me back.

  We are expecting snow tonight, so after getting dressed and enjoying some of my music we take a quick glance outside. But we see no sign of snow; it should be safe to drive.

  “Baby, we should head back to your place before we get snowed in,” I tell her, not wanting to end our night so soon, but I know it important for her to get home to Mandy. I really want her to stay with me, but I can’t be selfish.

  “Yes, I know. Nix, this evening was amazing. Thank you for everything. I don’t even think thank you is enough. You have given me a Christmas I will cherish forever,” she says, approaching me and hugging me, placing her head on my chest. I kiss the top of her head. If she only knew how much of me she truly owns.

  “Baby, you don’t even have to thank me. These are things I want to do for you. I’m just glad you liked it,” I say jokingly, trying not to be so serious. I need to tell her how I feel. But tonight our evening is cut short, and I need more time to tell her.

  “Now let’s get going before we go for round two on my couch,” I tell her, trying to distract myself from these feelings, and she slaps my chest before she grabs her coat.

  I feel the emptiness after dropping her off. I drive back to my apartment in silence, savoring this moment. I’m also debating whether to drive to my parents or wait until morning. Arriving home, I lie down on my bed and smell her. I decide this is enough to keep me here tonight. I throw off my shirt and send Livi a quick text letting her know I’m home. I really want to call, but I know it’s Mandy’s time, and I would hate to interrupt. I close my eyes and take in the evening, along with her scent.

  I must have fallen asleep, because I awaken to my phone ringing. I search for it on the bed and find it on the floor. Shit, I have four missed calls from my mother. I promised her I would be home for Christmas. I jump out bed and into the shower. I don’t think I have ever gotten dressed so fast. I don’t even want to call her. I’d rather just deal with her when I get there.

  Driving to Myrtle Beach, I take in all that these last couples of weeks have brought me, and suddenly my happiness turns to guilt. I know I promised my mother I’d be home for Christmas, but I change my destination and turn in the opposite direction.

  My car turns down the road I dread driving down. It brings me to my reality. These past few days I have been in heaven. The guilt is weighing heavily on me, and I can’t even manage not to cry as I approach the grave. The snow is barely beginning to fall, but that’s the last thing on my mind. I approach his resting place, and it immediately brings me to my knees. Seeing his name, just his damn name, makes me feel the void, the guilt, the sadness. It makes me feel so many fucking things. I can’t manage to hold back my tears. I look up, feeling the coldness of the air as it hits my face.

  “I’m sorry, brother. I’m so sorry.” No matter how long it’s been, sorry will never be enough. No one will ever know how much I need him here, what a mistake that night was, and if I could just switch places with him I would. It should have been me that night, not him.

  “I miss you man, I fucking miss you.” This time my words are barely audible, the coldness and crying causing my throat to close.

  Sitting here for what seems like forever, I manage to stand, the snow is beginning to fall more heavily.

  “I love you, Sky, I wish you were here every day. Merry Christmas, brother.” I can’t feel my hands or legs. I’m wet and cold from the falling flurries, so I make a run to my car. I quickly turn on the heat, and I send a text to O wishing her a Merry Christmas, and I realize I should be getting home since my mother is probably in a panic.

  Tonight is the night of the benefit that I have been pushing Nix to go to. There are going to be hundreds of lawyers there. One of the founder’s sons was killed while under the influence. It was very hard to get an invitation to this, but one of my professors knew how badly I wanted to get an in, and be introduced to some of the best of the east in criminal justice. She decided to give me her invitation, and I will be forever grateful to her for giving me this opportunity. Networking for an internship in a top law firm is my priority.

  I had gone shopping earlier this week to get the perfect dress, which was a golden floor length halter dress. My hair is up in a side chiffon hairstyle, with some curls framing my face. I kept my makeup neutral with shimmery gold tones, and jewelry is also kept to the minimum. I want to look sophisticated and classy. This is a wealthy people gala, everyone will be dressed to impress, and that’s why I didn’t spare any expenses into looking this good.

  I look at myself in the mirror one last time before I head out to Nix’s apartment to give him my surprise and hopefully be able to get him to go. I have a car service picking me up there since it’s a two hour drive, and Mandy is dropping me off since she has to work and needs the car.

  I’m so nervous since I don’t want to mess up this opportunity. This can help me open so many doors if I meet the right people. I keep wishing that everything goes my way, and I send a little prayer to the Virgen de Guadalupe to help me make this happen. Mandy has been talking nonstop since we left the house, but I can’t concentrate on anything besides this party and getting Nix to go as my date. He keeps me grounded, and I feel safe with him by my side, something that I have never felt in my life. Just having him near calms my inner tremors when I feel out of my element.

  “….so that’s where I will be. I can’t wait to hear all the DJ’s tonight. Too bad Nix won’
t spin, that would’ve been a great opportunity for him,” Mandy continues to ramble as she parks outside Nix’s apartment complex.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask, since I have seriously missed the whole conversation. As I’m gathering all my stuff from the car, I carefully try to maneuver without getting dirty and dropping anything on the wet floor.

  “Battle of the Beats is tonight at Club Fire downtown. Livi, I have talked about it all week, and so has Nix. The winner gets a spot to spin at Tomorrowland here in the USA. He was talking about all the new material. You have been so wrapped up in this benefit to care about how excited your boyfriend has been about this, but considering how you look he will not turn you down,” she states.

  I wish I had time to search on the web info about everyone that might attend and how I can approach them tonight. I had been so caught up in finals and finding the perfect dress that I didn’t realize that time had flown by. All I knew was what Professor Forest mentioned when she handed me the invitation. I hate how wrapped up I became when major tests were taking place. I had even tuned out a conversation or three this week. I grab my star pendant to give me strength.

  “I hope you are right,” I say. I really need him there tonight. “Be careful tonight with my car!” I shout out over my shoulder as I close the car door and start for the stairs.

  Nix gave me a key to his apartment for safe keeping, in case of an emergency. So I’m using it tonight. I set up the surprise on top of his bed and go wait for him in the living room. I had texted him earlier and he said that he was doing laps around the pool, but he was done and on his way home to shower. Then he would go by the house to see me in my dress before he left to go somewhere. I hear the key in the lock and I stand up. He walks in, drops his bag on the floor and his keys on the entry table. He hasn’t notice me at all yet, and I take the few moments to gaze at him. He looks tired and sad. Wonder what that is about. He just stands there for a few minutes, lost in thought. I’ll have to ask him about that on our ride to the Gala.

  “Hey, sexy,” I say to break the silence. He looks up, startled, and starts to look at me from the bottom up, taking me in moment by moment, until his eyes land on mine. I can feel the heat in that glance. He loves what he is seeing.

  “Every time I see you and think you can’t get any more beautiful, you prove me wrong, O. You look absolutely stunning. If I wasn’t your boyfriend I would have to do everything in my power to become him,” he claims as he makes his way towards me.

  “No, Nix, stay where you are, I can’t afford to be late and look anything less than perfect. You coming and touching me will ruin everything. I have proven that I have no will power against you,” I warn him. “Besides, I have a surprise for you in the bedroom.”

  “Wahoo, that’s what I’m talking about, babe,” he says lustfully.

  “Uh, no. Stop being a horny teenager for about two seconds and go look,” I order him. He walks towards the bedroom with sad puppy eyes. I know what he wants, but I know that if we kiss we are not going anywhere. From a girl that didn’t want to have sex to a nympho in two weeks, it still has me stunned. Just looking at Nix when he is about to come inside me explains why I let him take me at any time. In those few seconds before his release it a sight I have come to love. I hear a curse from the bedroom, something I didn’t think about as I rush towards the hall into his room.

  “Why aren’t you changing, Nix? Didn’t you like my surprise?” I pout. Yes, I pout now.

  “Olivia, when I told you last week that I was not going to your stupid benefit, I meant it,” he grits out. I still don’t get what the big deal about going is. I didn’t realize I had said that out loud until I hear his response.

  “Because I don’t want to go to a fucking rich ass party where all the people are more fake than Santa Claus. Besides, I told you all week about how tonight is also important to me. About going to the Battle of the DJ’s,” he grates out, barely containing his anger.

  “I thought that the reason you didn’t want to go is because you had nothing to wear. I solved the problem, baby. I really want you to be there for me. Yeah, and maybe those people might be fake, but I need them to further my education and possibly my career. You know how important it is for me to intern in the right place. And, really, Nix, battle of the beats, which is just your job, your hobby, not your career,” I whine.

  “My job is not only my hobby, Olivia. I told you music is my life, and tonight is important to me. As my girlfriend you should understand that,” he says angrily. I can see that he is losing control.

  “Whatever, please come to the party with me,” I whine again as I start walking towards him. As I reach him I can feel the heat of his anger. I nuzzle his neck and whisper, “Besides, I’m not wearing any underwear.” I lean further into him, aligning my body to touch every part of his. His hands reach up to grab mine, and he pulls them apart and sets me away from him. I’m stunned and unsure what to do next.

  “Olivia, I said no. Just drop it and go to the party. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I’m tired. I want to take a shower and get ready for tonight. Have fun,” he says with no warmth. This is the Nix from the coffee shop. The one that was defensive and hard to like. I still don’t understand his reasons about not going to the party. They seem petty, and everyone is fake at some point in life. I don’t want their friendship; I just need their connections.

  “Come on, Nix, do this for me, please? I need you there. You know how unsure I am sometimes. I need you there as my boyfriend to give me strength,” I continue my whiny rant. “I don’t want to be the loser without a date, going there all alone when I have the most gorgeous guy on campus as my boyfriend. Please?” I beg. I know I sound childlike and pathetic, but I need him there.

  “So what, now I’m your arm candy, aside from being the dick that fucks you?” he yells as he stalks towards the bathroom. Okay, where is this coming from? He was distant when we met, but we were not in a relationship before.

  “Nix, stop being an asshole,” I say calmly, his attitude bringing up all my walls again. I sit on his bed. I can hear him going through his closet. He comes back out with a pair of jeans in his hands.

  “News flash, Olivia, I have always been an asshole. Why do you think I have no friends?” he yells at me, coming closer. “Do you think those snobs care about knowing you? That they will help you in any way without anything in return, without any benefit to them? This is the real world, Olivia. All those people care about is who has more money and how they can help fuckers spend it with parties, drugs, alcohol, and vacations. These people don’t care about an upstart, a girl looking for an internship. And if they do give it to you it is probably an old pervert looking to do to you what your father did to your mom,” Nix continues to rant. He is probably right, but I have to try this because this is my only chance to meet people in my field.

  “All I can do is try, Nix. Why can’t you be helpful and go with me? Or at least be supportive? Where is all this hostility coming from?” I walk towards him and hug him. I beg one more time, “Please?”

  “O, just go. I need to finish some mash ups for tonight and Taylor should be here any moment to help,” he tells me.

  “Taylor is coming here?” I ask, not liking the sound of that.

  “Yes, she is the one competing tonight. I had promised her my help and support,” Nix says with a tone that states clearly he had mentioned it before.

  “So is this what this is all about? You helping her, but you can’t help me, your girlfriend? Does she mean more to you than a simple co-worker since you have repeatedly mentioned that you have no friends?” Now I’m the one barely containing my anger.

  “I made a promise to a person that thinks my hobby,” he emphasizes, using his fingers as quotation marks, “is something great.” I’m hurt; I can’t believe he is choosing her over me.

  “Look, I came to ask you to do this for me, but obviously someone else is more important than me. Which I shouldn’t be surprised. I should be use to coming i
n second. My own mother did it, why shouldn’t you? Stay, Nix, and go to your stupid battle and help your co-worker, because your ex-girlfriend can always handle her own shit. Stupid me to think that there might be a chance that someone could relieve some of the burden I carry. Goodnight, Nix,” I say as I make my way to the front of the apartment. I can feel my throat tighten and my eyes glaze over with tears. I should have known that I can only count on myself. I continue to walk towards the door, picking up my coat.

  “O, what do you mean ex-girlfriend? You are fucking breaking up with me over this stupid fucking benefit?”

  “No, Nix. I’m breaking up with you because I need someone that will support me and be there for me, to put me first for once,” I retaliate.

  “Olivia, you can’t be serious. It’s just a fucking party. You don’t know what you are asking of me.” He moves in front of me. “Baby, please don’t do this. Livi, not today, especially not today. I can’t go to that party, Olivia, I just can’t go. Trust me,” he pleads.

  “Well, when you decide to unravel what the hell is going on, call me, and maybe I will be your friend again.” As I finish that my phone chirps, alerting me that my car is here. “Goodnight, Nix,” I whisper as I move around him to the door.

  “Olivia, please don’t do this,” he whispers. I can hear the sorrow in his voice as I stop by the door.

  “Good luck tonight,” I say as I open the door to leave.

  “Olivia, if you leave I won’t fucking beg you to come back. It will be over,” he threatens. I close the door and walk out on the best thing in my life. It just hurts to be someone’s second. I grew up with that, and I made a vow when I got here last year that I would not let anyone make me feel unworthy again. I might have been a bit dramatic back there, but I needed him to understand that I needed him there. I know there must be more to this story. His anger towards this party and his reluctance to go almost made me pause, but if he is not going to open up I can’t help him.