by Rayne Hall
Imagine the two scenarios where a character apologises for being late and where she talks about her house burnt down.
Think about how would one of these types talk?
- a pious optimist
- a resentful pessimist
Have fun!
ALSO CONSIDER
You may find the techniques in Chapters 11, 12, 22 and 24 useful too.
SAMPLE DIALOGUE FROM STORM DANCER
Here is another section from my dark epic fantasy novel Storm Dancer. Dahoud's bride has arrived for their wedding. This is to be an arranged marriage between willing partners. Dahoud is in love with Esha, but does not actually know her well. At this stage, the reader still roots with Dahoud for the success of this match.
Reading this excerpt, you probably won't understand the full context, but observe how Esha's dialogue give clues to Esha's personality: effusive, self-obsessed, insensitive, status-oriented, scheming. The reader will absorb these cues – some consciously, some subconsciously – and begin to wonder if Dahoud is making a mistake.
He cleared his throat. “Esha, you can't stay here.”
Her eyes widened with alarm. “Don't you want me?”
He could smell her perfume, her hair, her skin. Her locks danced around the white skin of her neck, down over her tunic, over the swell of her breasts. “I'm glad you've accepted my proposal. Only... I didn't expect you so soon.”
Esha smiled as if he had complimented her. “The camels and servants we borrowed from Lord Adil. He's a most amazingly generous man.”
“He is.” Dahoud remembered Tarkan's father from many years ago. “Perhaps you would like to stay with him for a while. I'm sure he'll enjoy your company.”
“I've come to get married.”
“Esha, there are a few things you need to be aware of,” he said carefully. “Koskara is very hot at this time of the year, and there are some local problems with rebels.”
“The locals will adore weddings, so we'll have the biggest celebration they've seen for ages, four days long, with lots of food and entertainment. I'll do absolutely anything that's necessary.”
A traditional wedding might indeed make them popular. “Anything? Would you be willing, for example, to live in a yurt?”
“A yurt? You mean living a tent?” For a moment, her face stiffened as if she had seen a poisonous spider on her spoon. Then it relaxed, and her eyes narrowed like those of an officer assessing battle plans. “That's a fabulous strategy for getting popular with the natives, and I'm not in the least afraid of discomfort.”
She ate little, lifting her spoon daintily with small white hands. She talked about how peacock fans were fashionable at court this season, how tiring the journey had been in the summer heat, and how annoying she found the presence of poultry.
Dahoud drank her beauty as thirstily as a camel sucking up water. Her skin was creamy-white like a lamb’s fleece, her hips curved like a succulent fig, and her breasts plump like a pair of cushions to sink his head into.
He had to tell her the truth about himself, but the words stuck in his throat.
“Are you sure you want to wed me?” he managed at last.
“Absolutely, and I'm ever so grateful you asked for me. It was simply the only way for me to escape my horrid betrothal.”
“Betrothal?” he repeated.
“To my father's former chief councillor. He seemed destined to become a Lord, but grew addicted to smoking joy-flowers until his mind was utterly befuddled. It was disgusting. When my father sacked him, this failure of a man couldn't find work elsewhere. If I had to marry that revolting wreck, my daughters would be commoners. I kept petitioning the Consort most fervently to release me from this abominable betrothal. Finally, he let me choose between that appalling feeblehead and a ready-made Lord, which is the most wonderful opportunity.” Her cheeks tinged with a becoming blush. “I can speak freely of it now, can’t I? I really think I'm amazingly fond of you.”
His heart was aflutter like a bird, ready to soar. A woman liked him. But she did not know the truth yet.
“We need not marry at once. We can delay until you’re used to me, and to Koskara.”
“Dahoud, I'm fully aware that Koskara is a dreadfully backward province. I’ve travelled here to marry you and beget a child. I want to start without delay.” Her lash-veiled grey gaze sent hot blushes into his cheeks.
“There's something you need to know. Nobody else in Koskara does.” Cold sweat ran down his temples. “I was a soldier once.”
“Oh.” For a moment, her mouth drooped, but her face quickly recovered its radiance. “It doesn't matter. You're a lord-satrap now. I won't hold your lowly origins against you, or disclose them to anyone.”
ASSIGNMENT
Take a dialogue scene you've drafted or want to write. Identify between two and five core personality traits for each speaker. Write, rewrite or tweak everything the characters say so it reflects at least one of their traits.
7 DIALOGUE TAGS—WHEN, WHERE, HOW AND HOW OFTEN TO USE THEM
To make it easier for the reader to understand who says what, writers add tags: 'he said', 'she asked', 'I grumbled'.
A tag usually comes at the end, after the spoken sentence. This works great if the character says just a few words. For example:
“Give me that book,” Mary said.
It can also come in the middle, which is effective when the character speaks two or more sentences.
“No, it's mine,” John said. “Leave me alone, or I'll call the police.”
Sometimes it can come at the beginning, although this can give your prose an old-fashioned, clunky feel:
Mary said: “Give me that book.”
WHEN ARE TAGS NEEDED?
Tags are not necessary every time a character opens his mouth. If it's clear who's talking, you can skip the tag. Let's say John and Mary are having an argument. Then "You're the vilest man I’ve ever met" doesn't need a tag to indicate that it's Mary who says this.
You may have read 'rules for writers' decreeing that tags must always be used when a character says something, and others stating that dialogue should never be tagged, while yet others insist that every fourth line has to be tagged, or every fifth, or some other such ordinance.
Forget those demands. Let other writers follow what rules they wish to make for their own work, and decide for yourself what suits your story. I certainly won't set rules for you to obey.
My advice is simple. Use as many tags as needed, and as few as possible.
Does the tag aid the scene's clarity? Use it. If it doesn't, cut. I'll give you some tips later in this chapter and the next.
'SAID' VERSUS OTHER TAGS
Another set of 'rules' concerns the word 'said'. Some insist that 'he/she/I said' is the only acceptable tag, while others demand that any other tag is acceptable but 'he/she/I said' must be avoided.
Ignore those rules, too.
If 'he/she/I said' works in your story, use it. If something else works better, use that. Pick a verb that shows how the person speaks: he/she muttered, shouted, asked, queried, growled, yelled, threatened, grumbled, demanded, asked, ordered, commanded, pleaded, begged, claimed, boasted, insisted, repeated, whined… This can be very effective.
“Give me that book,” Mary demanded.
“Give me that book,” Mary whispered.
“Give me that book,” Mary shouted.
“Give me that book,” Mary ordered.
“Give me that book,” Mary begged.
But avoid complicated verbs such as he interrogated and she expostulated. Short, simple verbs are best.
Guard against over-using the word 'whisper' as a tag. It's not wrong, but many new writers use it so often that it has become a flag by which editors recognise the novice.
Another tag to be careful about is 'sigh'. Not only is this word over-used by beginner writers, but it doesn't really work as a tag.
"All I have worked for in my life lies in ruin and ashes," she sighed.
It's not possible to sigh that sentence. Try it.
'Hiss' can work—but only for short bursts containing 's' sounds.
Correct: "Stay silent!" she hissed.
Wrong: "Be quiet!" she hissed.
ADVERBS—AVOID IF POSSIBLE
The next 'rule' you may have come across concerns adverbs—the words ending in '-ly' which explain the verb, such as angrily, quickly, cheerfully. Some people—including editors—insist that all adverbs are bad and must be eliminated. I wouldn't go that far, but I agree that they're best avoided, because they can make your writing appear stiff and clumsy.
What the character says and does is often clear enough not to need adverbs. Take this example:
‘You bastard!” she said angrily, slamming the door.
The adverb 'angrily' can be deleted because it's clear that this character is angry.
(Actually, I'd also cut the tag 'she said', but we'll get to that later.)
Similarly, 'he screamed' doesn't need the adverb 'loudly', 'she snapped' doesn't need 'irritably' and 'he muttered' doesn't need 'quietly'.
Choose your verbs with care, and you'll rarely need adverbs to explain them.
You may want to practise with the following sentences. Replace the bland verb with a vivid one and cut the adverb:
"Help! Is anybody here?" Mary asked loudly.
"If you do this, I will kill you," John said threateningly.
"Can you do this?" John said questioningly.
"Give me that book," Mary said demandingly.
ACTIONS MAKE TAGS UNNECESSARY
When a character acts and speaks, the action is enough to attribute the dialogue, so you don't need a tag. By deleting the tag, you can make your writing tighter and more exciting.
Before:
John scratched his head and said, "I wonder if that's true."
After:
John scratched his head. "I wonder if that's true."
Before:
"You bastard!" Mary shouted and slammed the door.
After:
"You bastard!" Mary slammed the door.
Before:
"We're almost there," John said, squeezing Mary's hand. "I can see the door."
After:
"We're almost there." John squeezed Mary's hand. "I can see the door."
For practice, edit the following sentences:
"Just five more minutes," John said, panting with effort.
Mary clutched the book to her chest. "This is mine," she said.
"I know your secret," Mary said and giggled. "I've seen what you do on Thursday nights."
In the next chapter, we'll take a deeper look at how you can use action to attribute dialogue without tags.
ASSIGNMENT
Choose a dialogue scene you've written. Cut out any superfluous tags and adverbs. There's no 'right' or 'wrong' here. You decide what is needed for clarity and what can go. Are you satisfied with the new version? Then you've done it right.
8 HOW TO AVOID NEEDLESS TAGS: WHAT DOES THE SPEAKER DO?
Instead of tags, you can use beats—and in most cases, they're the better choice because they're vivid.
Dialogue beats are separate sentences about something the speaking character does. They imply, rather than tell, that this character speaks. (In different contexts, the word 'beat' may mean 'plot event'. Don't let this confuse you.)
A dialogue beat can be an action, or body language, or a facial expression, or a tone of voice. Beats can tell us a lot about a person and their mood and feelings. A beat can come before or after the spoken words, or in the middle.
Examples for beats with body language:
Mary stretched out her hand. “Give me that book, John.”
“No, it's mine.” John clutched the book to his chest. “Leave me alone.”
Mary jumped up. “Give me that book at once!”
“No. Stupid bitch.” John stuck out his tongue.
Examples for beats with facial expression:
Mary's eyes narrowed. “Give me that book, John.”
John frowned. “No, it’s mine. Leave me alone.”
“Give me that book at once!” Mary's eyes drilled into him.
“No.” John's face reddened with anger. “Stupid bitch!”
Examples for beats with tone of voice:
“No, it's mine. Leave me alone.” John's voice boomed through the empty space.
“Give me that book at once.” Mary's voice was a coarse whisper.
Examples for beats with action:
Mary counted five breaths to calm herself and keep her temper. “Give me that book at once.”
“No. Stupid bitch!” John rushed out of the room and slammed the door behind him.
HOW TO USE BEATS
Mix up different types of dialogue beats—action, body language and so on—in your dialogue scene.
Vary the placement as well, putting some beats before the speech, some after, and some in the middle. 'Putting it in the middle' doesn't mean exactly halfway through. A good place is after the first few words, perhaps after the first sentence.
When one character has a long speech, you can intersperse it with several beats.
When you use a beat, leave out the tag, because it's not necessary.
If you use a beat, the speech ends with a period, not a comma.
ALSO CONSIDER
The sections on body language and tone of voice in Chapter 14 and the advice how to avoid talking heads in white space in Chapter 10 provide further techniques.
ASSIGNMENT
Pick a dialogue scene you want to revise. Replace tags with beats where possible.
Or
Write a new dialogue scene without using any tags, using beats to show who's talking.
9 HOW TO FORMAT DIALOGUE
Formatting and punctuating dialogue can be confusing, with exceptions, exceptions to exceptions, and rules which differ not only between British and American English, but from publisher to publisher.
Ignore the complications. All you need are these three basics:
1. When a new person speaks, start a new paragraph.
2. What the person does goes in the same paragraph as what he says.
Here's an example.
"Where are you going?" Mary clasped his arm.
John shrugged himself free. "None of your business."
"But... but you promised..."
"I don't have time for this." At the door, he paused. "I'm sorry, love."
3. Use a comma at the end of the speech only if a tag follows. Otherwise, use a full stop (American: a period.)
Wrong:
"I'm not sure about this," she scratched her head.
Right:
"I'm not sure about this." She scratched her head.
Keep these three rules in mind, and 99.9% of all eventualities will be covered and correct, and your writing will look professional. Whether the remaining 0.1% are correct depends on whom you ask, which school of punctuation they subscribe to and which publisher they work for.
If publishers want to buy your novel, they'll either show you the 'house style' they want you to follow, or fix those details the way they want them. Until then, don't worry.
ASSIGNMENT
Look over a dialogue scene you've written—especially if you're about to submit it to an agent or publisher, or if you plan to indie-publish it—and apply those three rules.
10 A CURE FOR 'TALKING HEADS IN WHITE SPACE'
When agents and editors reject your book, they may explain that it's because of 'talking heads dialogue' or dialogue 'in white space' ... or even 'talking heads in white space'.
What do they mean? And how do you fix this flaw?
'Talking heads' means pure dialogue. The characters don't do anything besides conversing. In fiction, this feels stilted and dull.
The solution is simple: give the characters something to do besides talking.
The obvious choice is to let them have a meal. Then you can use the motions of eating and drin
king as beats.
"What do you think, John?" Mary passed him the potatoes. "Will Grandma sell the house?"
Meals work well, especially for dialogue involving several people, but take care not to do this too often. If all the conversations in your book happen while the characters eat and drink, it soon becomes tedious.
Give your characters something useful to do. It doesn't need to be exciting action—a mundane task can create a vivid contrast for gruesome dialogue.
"Aim at his kidneys, and twist the blade in the wound." Mary squirted lemon-scented soap into the basin. "Make it gory and painful."