Her Undoing

by Skylar Heart

  “Oliver’s mum. I’m supposed to be having dinner with Oliver, his parents and Mia tomorrow. We’re celebrating Mia’s birthday, since Oliver doesn’t get to celebrate it on the normal day usually, and he loves birthdays.” His voice sounds like it comes from far and my heart beats fast.

  He’ll be seeing Mia tomorrow! He can talk to her! He can convince her to come back!

  But he doesn’t seem to have that same confidence as I have. “I should cancel. I don’t want to ruin her happy day, I don’t want to ruin the mood.”

  “No.” I shake my head. “You have to go. For Oliver. And for Mia. Talk to her, make sure she’s okay.”

  But with the way he’s staring off, I don’t know if I’m getting through to him.

  I have no idea why the dinner seems to scare him so much, or why seeing Mia seems to push him off-balance, but he has to go, because it’s the only way to know that she’s okay, it’s the only way to keep in contact with her.

  5

  Jake

  I barely remember what happened yesterday. I feel like we all sat around the house and didn’t do much else, and I suspect that’s exactly what we did.

  Tom, Dylan and Mal talked about Poppy, about silly things she did, pranks she used to pull, who she was as a person, and I feel like I know so much about a girl I’ve never met, almost like I’d actually been there with them. But more than what they told me about Poppy, it was what those stories revealed about the guys that really made me feel like I got to know her. Like the way that Mal and Poppy loved to get into trouble together, or how Tom loved the silly streak in her, but also that she made him feel loved, and that Dylan loved her because they were great at verbally sparring.

  I got to know so much about the guys, about their lives, about their past, about how they got where they are now, just from their stories about Poppy. This new knowledge, combined with the whole ‘I’m going to buy the house for them’ chat I had with Tom yesterday morning, makes me feel strange as I’m driving to the city in Dylan’s car.

  The guy insisted, said that it didn’t make sense for me to go there by public transport, especially since it would mean I probably wouldn’t be able to get back to the house at the end of the evening. Plus, this way I can grab a couple more things to bring to the house, since I didn’t really pack a lot, just stuff meant for a long weekend, and it seems like I’ll be staying there for a while. At least, that’s what it looks like right now.

  I’m going to stay at the coast for as long as I feel like they need me, or until I’m no longer welcome, whichever comes first. Make sure they don’t get in trouble and they’re all back on their feet. But from chats with Mal and Tom, I’m not sure that they really want me to leave. I feel like they’ve accepted me as their friend and that they’re okay with me being there with them. At first, I thought that Dylan would not be happy for me to stay longer, but even he seems open to the idea...

  The light turns green and I round the corner into my street, parking the car near my place. It’s only a couple minute walk from here to the restaurant we’re going to have dinner at, plus, it’s a good idea if I put on something nice before I go over. I’m still wearing one of the two outfits I brought with me to the house. I keep washing them, but they’re definitely not nice enough for a fancy dinner. I check my mailbox at the door, nothing useful in there, then I go up the stairs to my studio apartment.

  I open the door and suddenly the place I’ve called home for years feels lifeless. I’ve changed. In the last week, I’ve changed, a lot. Just the thought of living on my own, living here alone, is no longer attractive. For years, I was happy to stay alone, to stay by myself, not having to worry about anyone else, be ‘independent’, but no more. Not now I know how different it can be, how a house filled with love can feel, how living with the people you love can feel.

  I throw a couple of pairs of jeans into a big bag, and some shirts and other things, just enough so I don’t have to keep washing the same two things over and over, so I’ve got a little more variation of what I wear.

  Then I put on a pair of black jeans and a shirt that I know Mia will like, since it clings to me well. I look through my jackets, and then decide against them. No. I don’t need to get all fancy, just a little fancier than an old shirt and worn jeans. It looks good enough, while I also know that Mia will like it. I’m trying to put her at ease, I’m not trying to bulldoze all over her senses, that won’t work anyway, I know from experience.

  Just as I’m packing another bag, filled with notebooks and a couple of other things I could probably use at the house, for work mostly, the doorbell rings and I jump, not expecting anyone right now. I blink, grabbing the receiver. “Hello.”

  “Jake!” It’s Oliver’s excited voice, and I can’t help smiling.

  “Hey, buddy. Are you on your way to the restaurant?” I’d totally lost track of time.

  “Yes. I saw there was light in your studio. Want to go together?” I can hear his parents talk to each other in the background.

  “Sure. Let me grab my bag and jacket and I’ll be right outside.” For a moment, I was scared it would be Mia, but of course, she wouldn’t come here. But it’s always fun to see Oliver, especially when he’s happy.

  “Okay. See you soon.”

  “See you soon.” I put the receiver down and grin.

  Well, if Oliver is this happy already, that will at least keep the mood upbeat. It definitely raises my own mood. And I can use it, because I feel pretty rough after the last three days with little to no sleep and too much caffeine.

  Time to put on a smile and have a good birthday dinner!

  Oliver animatedly talks about some videogame he’s been playing, his hands moving fast, and I’ve had to save his drink and cutlery a couple of times already. I have no idea what he’s talking about, I’ve not been into videogames much in the last couple of years. But luckily, his mum and dad help out by explaining things in adult-speak instead of eight-year-old-speak, because I can’t keep asking Oliver things over and over again when I lose track of the plot. He doesn’t have a lot of patience, but what eight-year-old does when they’re talking about their favourite thing, and while he sees me as a ‘cool guy’, he doesn’t give me much slack for losing track of his story as he’s describing things.

  Luckily, the caffeine from the coffee I ordered is starting to kick in, so at least I’m aware enough to notice when Mia steps into the restaurant and the way her whole body deflates when she sees me. She steps back out the door, and I don’t know if she even realises how devastated she looked. Fuck.

  I stand up. “I’ll be right back. Can you get Mia some mint tea?”

  Christopher, Oliver’s dad, glances over to the door, his gaze cautious, probably because of the way I’m acting. “She’s here?”

  “Yeah. I just need to talk to her for a bit. I’ll be right back.” And before he can ask me more, I’m already off, since I don’t want Mia to walk away just because of me. Jennifer and Christopher are used to the way that Mia and I can be a little strange around each other. I think they write it off as ‘teen parents trying to still be friends after breaking up’ or something like that, but the end result is that they don’t ask too many questions as long as we’re there for Oliver and don’t make a mess in front of him.

  I open the door of the restaurant, stepping outside. It’s freezing cold, but luckily she’s still there, standing right outside the door, her eyes big, her lower lip trembling a little and I quickly take her in my arms.

  Why am I so relieved to see her again, to be able to hold her? I saw her just two days ago. But the relief flooding me right now is stronger than I’ve ever felt before.

  “Why are you here?” Her voice against my chest is full of tears, but she’s also clinging to me tightly.

  “Because we’re celebrating your birthday.” I’m so glad to have her with me again.

  “I left. I abandoned you. I left you all. I had to...” Her voice gives out on the last words.

  “I know.�
�� I put my lips to the side of her head, wishing I could let her feel how much I love her, how much my love for her has grown this last week. “I’m just here to celebrate your birthday together with Oliver, that’s all.”

  Even though I wish I could do more, I know that this has to be her choice, she has to choose to come back to us, or she’ll keep running away. The fact that she was still standing outside the restaurant and let me hold her is a step in the right direction, but we’ve still got a long way to go.

  “I don’t know if I can go in right now. I look like a huge mess.” She sounds all teary and I step away, looking at her beautiful, though exhausted, face.

  “Oliver won’t care, he’ll only see your smile. He won’t notice anything but your amazing smile when you open his present and let him talk about his new favourite videogame. He just wants to see you and talk to you, there are no other expectations.” I try to smile at her, but I know I’m just as exhausted as she is.

  “He has a new favourite videogame?” She’s finally smiling a little before she takes a deep breath. “Thank you.”

  I nod, taking her hand. “No problem. I hope you understand him better than I do, though. And we should get inside, it’s not very warm out here.”

  “I know. I thought that your style of clothes for being outside was a little... chilly.” She squeezes my hand lightly, her voice easier now.

  “Specially for you. An extra birthday present, giving you something good to look at all evening.”

  I’m just hoping that this will lift her mood enough, because I don’t know how else I can make her smile. It’s hard to help her when she’s so easily spooked, and when she takes almost anything I say as a joke, even when I’m trying to be serious. If I’d tell her that I love her, she’d laugh, tell me she loves me too, but I know that she’ll think I mean it as a close friend, not the deep feelings I have for her...

  6

  Mia

  I feel rough. I’ve not slept enough these last days, just staring off into nothing, day and night. I’ve been trying to get back to myself, even when I don’t know if that will ever be possible.

  How can I go on with my life, how can I keep living here, in this life, when my heart is broken, when my heart is still at the coast with Mal, Dylan and Tom, or with Jake, even though he’s in the city right now, but he’ll be going back soon, I think.

  Oliver’s parents gave us some odd looks when we came inside, but to keep the mood easy, they didn’t say anything. I know that they’ll probably ask us things later, but not when Oliver is here with us. I guess that’s some comfort right now.

  Oliver is in one of his really good moods, constantly upbeat as he talks about school and about his videogames and all the other things that are important in his life, and I try to ask the right questions at the right time. It’s harder with him than it is with Elly, since he’s much more aware and he doesn’t just keep talking if things go awkward, when I don’t know what to ask next.

  I love hearing how well he’s doing. Moments like these are when I don’t feel as guilty, moments like these are when I know we made the right choice, that his life is much better with his parents than we could have given him. When he’s happy, when he’s not angry with us, when his life is going well. Those are the times when I don’t feel as bad, moments that make me happy to see what a sweet guy he’s turning into.

  At the other side of the table, Jake is looking at me, his eyes as exhausted as mine, and even though he’s smiling, I can still see the pain in his eyes, in the way he holds himself.

  When I saw him as I stepped into the restaurant, I didn’t know what to do for a moment, scared, scared of what I could do, scared of what he could say. And when he followed me out of the restaurant, when he caught me, I didn’t want to let go of him again, too relieved to have him with me. He wasn’t angry, he didn’t seem upset with me, even though I really thought that he would be, he probably should have been.

  As the waiters bring over our desserts, Oliver stands up, and goes over to Jennifer, his eyes sparkling even more. “Present time!”

  Jennifer hands him a beautifully wrapped box, and Oliver comes over to me, handing it to me with a smile.

  “Thank you.” I accept the gift, which makes him burst out into ‘Happy Birthday’ and his parents and Jake join in. My cheeks are aflame as I wait for them to finish, I don’t like all this attention on me, but I guess that I won’t be able to get around it today.

  I open the gift and inside is a plain box, not revealing anything yet. As I open the box, I nearly drop it, surprised, my heart beating loudly. Inside the box is a notebook with a picture Jake, Oliver and I took together in the park last summer on the cover. I carefully take it out and look it over.

  “This is beautiful. Thank you.” I give Oliver a quick hug. “Thank you so much.” I’m already crying, too emotional right now. This... This is too amazing, and so sweet.

  “So you can write in it, or draw in it.” Oliver grins, opening the book for me to the first page, showing off a drawing he made on the first page, of us all in a restaurant, as we’re having dinner. “Though you’re not wearing the same colour shirt right now. I should have asked you what you would be wearing so I could do the right colours.” He frowns a little.

  “I like it all the same. Thank you.” I pull him against me for a moment. “Now I’ll have to come up with something even better for your birthday.”

  He grins at me, his eyes sparkling and it’s so easy to see the similarities with Jake when he looks at me like that, so happy, so excited. Though, as I look at his father on the other end of the table, the guy is not smiling as much, his smile tight and not totally real, and it gives me a strange feeling inside.

  He tries to give me a bigger smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “My gift is at home. I couldn’t carry it all the way over here.” There’s an undertone in his voice that makes me feel like he’s not talking about his studio in the city when he says ‘home’ and that his ‘gift’ isn’t something you can really ‘carry’ anywhere.

  I nod, trying to smile at him, but I’m tired and this evening is starting to really wear on me. “I’ll have to see it some other time, then.”

  “I guess that’s the best idea.” Jake finishes off his dessert and stands up. “Sorry, I’m going to have to cut this short. I’ve got some friends waiting for me, and I don’t want to arrive there too late.” His eyes go to me at the word friends and I know exactly who he’s talking about, making my heart even heavier.

  “Of course.” Jennifer nods. “We’re keeping you here on a Saturday evening, of course, you’ve got plans with your friends.” She smiles at him and I wonder what she’d say if she knew who he was going to meet, what we’ve been up to all week, why we both look this exhausted. Then she looks at me, her eyes soft, though there’s something in them that I can’t read. “You must have plans too, big birthday plans. You two go ahead, we’ll take care of things here.”

  “Are you sure?” Jake and I normally pay for our own dinner when we’re all going out together, because we don’t want to ask even more of them. Just because we’re still involved in Oliver’s life, doesn’t mean they have to take care of us.

  “Yeah.” Christopher grins. “We’ll round everything off here. You two go out and celebrate, or sleep, you choose.” I guess it really is that obvious how exhausted we are.

  I give him a quick nod. While I’d love to stay longer, avoid having to be alone with Jake, it’s obvious that they have other ideas. “Thank you.” Then I turn to Oliver. “I’ll see you next month.”

  “Let’s go see Christmas lights next time!” His eyes shine and I smile.

  “Yes, let’s do that together and take a lot of pictures.” I give him a quick hug, and with a wave, I follow Jake out of the restaurant.

  As soon as we’re outside, we stop, Jake’s eyes on me heavy, sad. “And now? What happens next?” His voice is rough now he’s not trying to sound all upbeat around Oliver.

  “Are you going back
to the coast tonight? Are there still buses that go this late?” It’s after eight, so I’m pretty sure the last bus has already left.

  “Dylan lent me his car, said it would be easier and faster.” He reaches out and takes my hand carefully. “If you want to, you can come back with me, tonight, like nothing happened.” His voice is soft, like he’s almost too scared to say the words.

  I shake my head, my eyes filling with tears. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I just... I can’t.”

  He squeezes my hand for a moment and then lets go, taking a step back, and when I look up, the sadness in his eyes hurts too much. I can see him fight his own tears. “I had to try. I had to give it a shot.” Then he nods. “You’re always welcome to come back. We’d really love for you to come back.”

  “How long are you going to stay at the house? What about your work?” He’s already been there way longer than he was originally going to be.

  “I’m staying as long as I’m welcome. Right now, I don’t know for how long that will be, but I don’t think I’ll be leaving soon.” He looks to the side, but I still see the flash of warmth going through his eyes. He cares for them, he really cares for them. Why does that hurt? “Maybe I’ll never leave.” Then he fully turns around, away from me. “Please, get home safely. Just...” He stops. “Just know that you’re always welcome to come back. We’ll be waiting, all of us.” And before I can say anything to that, he starts walking off, his shoulders sagged, his whole body like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

  I want to rush after him, hold him. I want to go back to the others with him. I feel like he’s walking off with the last scraps of my heart, a black hole where my love for them used to be, waiting until the moment that I return to them.