Resurrection

by Katherine Macdonald

  “Look ahead,” he whispers.

  “If only we could actually read each others’ minds, right?”

  We’re so close that sometimes I swear we can, at least when we’re looking at each other. The rest of the time, it’s mostly just feelings, feelings that occasionally feel like words.

  He smiles slightly. “What’s going on? You’ve been a hive of emotions these past few days. And not miserable, which is nice.”

  I fill him in on what I’ve discovered. We probably only have a minute left. Gabe uses at least ten of our remaining seconds thinking in contemplative silence.

  “Do you think we can escape that way?”

  “Maybe. I’m not sure.”

  “But there’s a chance?”

  “There’s always a chance.”

  Gabe purses his lips, thinking again. There’s no confusing him for his brother now, even if you didn’t know them like I do. Their mannerisms are so different, and the rest of them… Mi is slim, his fair hair falls over his colourless eyes, and he doesn’t train often; there’s less muscle on him. Gabe is broader, every inch the soldier in shape and stature. He looks very different from the boy I used to shower with. Has he given me the same appraisal? I have changed a lot in five years too.

  “I’ll figure something out,” he says shortly. “Try to keep yourself there as long as possible.”

  “I don’t think that’ll be hard.”

  I’ve barely scratched the surface of what I need to do down there, if the goal truly is to repurpose it. It could take weeks with just myself and the rudimentary tools. Every day I discover something new, more destruction beneath the swathes of moss. Some of the stone is charred, burnt to black. There was a fire here, long ago.

  A few seconds later, we’re told our time is up. We march into the locker room. We could still talk here, but it’s risky. We’re never sure what they’re watching, what they’re listening to. We were trusting the sound of water to disguise our conversation.

  The next day, I am back to scrubbing, back to Xaph. I make a point of asking the guard when he drops me off how long this is to continue for, certain nothing will have me doing it for longer than complaining about the task. It clearly doesn’t hurt. For the better part of a week, my punishment continues. I’m afraid of it stopping. Surely, the Director will lose interest soon? And it’s still my best route out.

  Of course, they still think it’s almost solitary confinement. They don’t know I have Xaph to talk to.

  “You must miss family,” he concludes, after I finish telling him a story about this one time I took Ben fishing but he tried to adopt the fish.

  “I do.” There’s someone else I miss too, more, if possible. Can I explain that to Xaph? Will he understand the concept? “There’s someone else, too. A friend. A special friend.”

  “Like family?”

  “Like home.”

  “He’s… the place you belong?”

  “Yes. Yes, exactly.”

  Xaph looks around him. “I am not sure I belong here,” he admits.

  “It is a bit dark...”

  “Warm though. Safe.”

  He must have wandered out into the wilderness, before the gate was manned and the hole boarded up. What did he encounter there that would make him realise he was better off here? Wild animals, or… or other people?

  Nick asked me once, if I considered myself as human. I’d never counted myself as such, but I realise now I was wrong. I was human because I was treated as such, but Xaph… he is both and neither. What must that be like, to hover in between?

  “Come with me,” I tell him.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Out. Eventually. Somehow. When I leave, come with me. There’s always space for one more–”

  “Are there others like me, in your city?”

  “Well, no, but… but that doesn’t matter–”

  “Once, I went into the woods. I came across two people there. One screamed. The other tried to shoot me. Will others not scream?”

  “I… I don’t know…”

  Screaming at Xaph seems a bit much. He’s small and harmless. But in the middle of the woods, if you weren’t thinking clearly…

  But when do people ever think clearly?

  “It is lonely here," Xaph continues, "but it is safe. Besides, nice lady might come back one day!”

  I don’t want to crush his dreams, but I don’t relish the thought of leaving him either.

  “Think about it,” I ask him. “People might be mean to you, but we won’t be. We’d protect you.”

  “I don’t want to be protected,” Xaph says. “That doesn’t sound like freedom.”

  There is a click and the door at the top of the stairs opens suddenly. It’s too early for lunch, and there’s the sound of shouting.

  “Hide,” I tell Xaph. He’s already disappeared into his tunnels.

  I head towards the noise. The door slams shut. I recognise the footfall of the remaining person before he appears in the corridor.

  “Gabe!”

  I run forward and throw my arms around him, holding on for far longer than I meant to. I can’t help it; I’m never given the opportunity any other time, and I’d be a liar if I pretended I didn’t miss physical contact. At this point, I even missed waking up with Ben’s elbow in my eye.

  Gabe grins, gripping me tightly. “I told you I’d find a way to join you.”

  “But… how?”

  “There’s one eager-to-please guard. I started a fight and made sure he was the one escorting me to solitary. On the way, I suggested it would be better if he put me down here to clean, because wouldn’t the Director be so happy if it was done by the time he returned?”

  “The Director isn’t here?”

  Gabe shakes his head. “He left for the city yesterday. He’ll be gone at least three days.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I listen.”

  Of course he does. I have to admit, I’m a little impressed. I might have been the leader. I might have been the fastest and the strongest, but Gabe always could find a way out of things when my own resourcefulness failed me. His powers of observation were practically peerless, akin to Abi’s computer-brain skills.

  Gabe grins again, reading my emotions as keenly as print.

  “Stop it,” I tell him.

  “Can’t help it. It’s been a while since I impressed the brilliant Eve.”

  “Ashe.”

  “Yes, sorry.”

  There is the snap of a twig behind us. Xaph shuffles out of the room, deciding Gabe is no threat to him. They survey each other carefully. Gabe’s face does not give much away, but his pity floods into me.

  “You must be Xaph,” he says quietly. “I’ve been told about you.”

  “I remember you. From before. You had another you.”

  “Yes. My brother. Michael.”

  “Gabriel, then,” he deduces, and then his eyes flit between the two of us, as though he can see something that isn’t there.

  “Do you… did you ever have a family?”

  “Once,” Xaph responds, “a long time ago. Only me now.”

  Gabe swallows painfully. “Let’s… let’s get cracking on the cleaning, shall we? Need to make a good show of it before we can sit around chatting…”

  We get to work, but moments later Gabe wanders off to examine everything I have, each of the possible escape routes, every broken stone and barred window. He appraises everything carefully, leaving nothing to chance.

  He returns to my side after his inspection is complete.

  “So, what do you think?” I ask.

  “We can get out of the compound easily enough. Getting past the main gates, however…”

  “Without being shot at? Seems impossible, I know.”

  “Unless we looked like guards.”

  “Sure, we can just steal some uniforms. No problem.”

  Gabe thumbs his chin thoughtfully.

  “I know where the uniforms are,” sa
ys Xaph, appearing out of his tunnel.

  “Me too,” Gabe replies, “but it’s the getting them that’s the issue. The door is heavily secured, and we’re under lock and key–”

  “Don’t use door,” Xaph insists.

  “I… I don’t think it has windows?”

  “Vent.”

  “I wouldn’t know where to… wait.” He looks up. “Er, Xaph– where does that tunnel lead?”

  “Most places.”

  “Most… places? Including the guard’s locker room?”

  “Yes.”

  The plan forms in both of our heads almost simultaneously.

  “Xaph… can you get into the locker room?” I ask.

  He shakes his head. “Not strong enough to open panelling. You could. Not you–” he points to Gabe– “too big.”

  “OK,” I say, turning back to Gabe, “say we get the uniforms. Isn’t it going to look incredibly suspicious if three guards just rock up in the middle of a shift?”

  They might not start firing immediately, but they’ll be on the alert. They’ll probably try to radio them, and when that doesn’t work… it still seems too risky.

  “We’ll have to go just before the shift change.”

  This in itself isn’t going to be easy to work out. We can watch for the shift change, but we have nothing to time it with.

  “We need a watch!” Gabe and I both say at once.

  We can’t risk stealing the uniforms before the day in question, but a watch… a watch might not go amiss, or raise too much suspicion. But we need one as quickly as possible. If the Director is back in three days… we may have even missed a chance to catalogue one shift change.

  Three days. We need to be gone in three days. If the Director gets back and hauls Gabe out of this punishment room, we’ll lose our chance. I am not leaving this place without him, not again.

  “Xaph,” I say quickly, “I know you said you can’t get into the locker room, but you can see it, right?”

  He nods.

  “Can you go and check if the coast is clear, and then come back for me? We’re going to go steal ourselves some time.”

  Xaph doesn’t get the joke, but Gabe chuckles as he disappears wordlessly up the tunnel. I look at him, and there is something different about his grin. He looks more like Nick than Mi. He feels more like Nick than Mi, when he leans across to take my hand.

  “It’s all right,” he says.

  “What is?”

  “We’ll get out of here. Together this time. You won’t have to leave me behind.”

  It’s a foolish thought, of course. I shouldn’t be willing to let my family go without either of us. If the opportunity comes, I should take it. I can come back with reinforcements like before. But my heart could not take leaving him here yet again. The wrongness squirms inside me.

  “Gabe–”

  Gabe cuts across me, grabbing me in his arms and kissing me so fiercely that a mere human would shatter in his embrace. I had forgotten what it was like to be held like this, to be held by anyone this strong and this tender. It is new and right and wrong, all kinds of wrong.

  Gabe senses this, and pulls back. “What is it?” he asks.

  “Gabe, I…” I what? I love you, but not like that? I want you, but not like this? We are connected in a way that defies all reason… but I’m connected to someone else, too, differently.

  “Talk plain,” he tells me.

  “There’s… there’s someone else.”

  I can’t feel him, in this moment. He could be anyone, anyone at all. His mind is as blank and unreadable as his face.

  “Right,” he says slowly, “of course. Yes. That makes sense.”

  “That makes… what?”

  “Since you arrived back. I could feel something different about you. A powerful longing. I thought at first it was for the others, but… but there was something different about this. I started to think you might have left someone else behind.”

  I stare at him. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I couldn’t find the words. Or, you know, the time. We’ve been very closely watched.”

  Gabe's fingers twitch at his side. He wants to reach out to me again. “I… I thought you’d tell me when you wanted to. And if you never did… well… can you blame me for being hopeful?”

  “No. No, I can’t blame you for that.”

  His gaze touches mine. “I… I thought about you every day since you left. The one kiss we shared...”

  “I thought about you, too.”

  “Every day?”

  “Most days.”

  Did you think about me when you were with him? Is the question he doesn’t ask. He doesn’t really want to know. I don’t want to tell him. Yes, in the beginning, I did. Gabe had coloured every interaction I had ever had with anyone, of course he crept into my mind with Nick. I couldn’t help but compare how the two made me feel.

  But when I let Nick in, I let Gabe go. I never felt anything but Nick when we were together. I was utterly and completely his. I still am. I still feel like I always will be.

  “Clear!” Xaph leaps down from his tunnel.

  “That was quick!”

  He shrugs. “Locker room not far. And clear. No one about.”

  I look back at Gabe.

  “You heard him,” he says. “No time like the present.”

  “Come on, Ashe-Ashe!”

  Ashe-Ashe. That’s what Ben used to call me, when he was really small. Some of his little friends still do. Man, I miss him.

  Soon, my baby…

  Xaph leaps back up into the tunnel. Gabe offers me a leg up. I don’t need it, but it’s easier with him. The gesture speaks volumes, conveys what words cannot. I'm here, I'm behind you, I won't let you fall.

  I pull myself into the dark, and off I go.

  Chapter 23

  My night vision is pretty good, but the darkness of this tunnel is palpable, as thick as the walls I’m sandwiched between. The tunnel is tiny; my shoulders press against their sockets. I squeeze forward, following the sound of Xaph, praying for the merest sliver of light. Already it feels like we’ve been moving as long as he was gone.

  The tunnels fork in places, diverging into all corners of the compound. Xaph knows each turn instinctively. Did he hollow them out himself, or did the rats begin? A few times, he slows, and we pass the vents of offices and labs. They must have repurposed this place abruptly indeed not to notice these tunnels.

  But of course they did. They had no where else to go. You saw to that.

  After what feels like an age, Xaph stops.

  “Here,” he whispers, shuffling on just far enough to let me peer through the gap. I press against the grille. It is screwed in tightly, but it’s the angle that makes it difficult to remove.

  “Move up,” I instruct, “I need more space.”

  Xaph does as asked, and I squeeze up further into the space. It takes quite a few kicks to loosen it, and a fair few punches until it clatters to the floor with a loud bang. Too loud.

  I pause, waiting for someone to come running. No one does.

  Gingerly, I slip out of the hole and look back at Xaph. “Are you coming?”

  He shakes his head. “Too bright…”

  I don’t want to waste my time convincing him otherwise. I need to locate a watch. I press my ear against the first locker I come to, listening for the sound of ticking. Nothing. I try the rest of the row.

  What if no one has one? What if they’re all wearing them, or if they’re electronic? They’re a lot harder to hear, and they don’t tick. In recent years, old-fashioned analogue has come back into fashion, but that’s no guarantee…

  I can’t risk opening them all. I need to be careful. I can probably work out the combinations and open them without breaking them, but it will take much longer. Breaking them will be quicker, but any sign of a break-in is going to be immediately suspicious. They’ll search the room. They’ll find the tunnel.

&nb
sp; I’m just about to start working out the combination to the first locker when I hear something ticking. It isn’t coming from the lockers. It’s loud, so loud I don’t even need to focus my super hearing. Why didn’t I notice it before?

  There's a huge clock on the wall.

  Cautiously, I creep forward and vault onto the row of lockers bolted underneath it, mindful of not leaving any obvious dents or scuff marks. The thing isn’t even welded; it’s just hanging on by a nail. It may be large, but it’s actually perfect. If someone did suspect something had been stolen, there could be a search. If anyone notices a large, cheap clock is no longer on the wall, the most logical assumption is it’s being replaced or fixed by facilities. By the time someone suspects anything, we’ll be long gone.

  I waste no more time. I snatch the clock off the wall and hurtle back into the tunnel. The only concern I have is not being able to screw the grille back in; it’s pretty much just resting on the hinges. All I can do is hope it doesn’t come loose in the next few days and arouse suspicion.

  Just a few more days…

  We head back down the basement, me carrying the clock in-between my teeth. Gabe thinks it’s hilarious when I re-emerge. I look like a dog with a bone.

  “Oh, shut up. It was the best option.”

  “If you say so!”

  Gabe gets to work unboarding the escape route while Xaph sits by the window, watching for the shift change. He says he’ll watch all day, even when we’re not here. He’ll scratch the timings on the wall, and tomorrow we’ll check they match up.

  I keep on scrubbing. I need to make it look like I’ve done two people’s work by tonight. Luckily, liberating the clock has energised me; the mere thought of freedom makes me jittery. I clean a room in record time.

  Nevertheless, it’s a relief when evening comes and we’re finally let out. I’ve worked my fingers to the bone and the exhaustion hits as soon as I sit down. My whole body aches getting up again. It’ll be back to normal by morning, of course.

  It’s not until I lie down on my bunk that my mind turns back to Gabe’s kiss. I feel guilty, of course, both for letting him down and for kissing someone who wasn’t Nick. I did kiss back, just for a second. It felt beautiful to lose myself in another person, to be close to someone –anyone– just for a moment of respite. And it was Gabe. In another version of now, that would have been normal.