Dr. White's Baby Wish

by Sue MacKay

  Cody worked alongside her, friendly enough, but still with a glimmer of reproach in his attitude.

  And that was how the week continued. The ease they’d known the previous week had gone, leaving them back to being two members of the day shift who got along fine as long as they stuck to work issues.

  ‘You need some sleep,’ Karin told her on Friday as they were winding up and handing over to the night shift. ‘Hope you’ve got a quiet weekend ahead.’

  ‘A birthday party with the brat pack.’ Yikes, was Cody still going to join her family for that?

  Apparently so. Sunday afternoon at Jason’s again, and Cody was playing cricket. Again. Harper was having a wine with her sister and sisters-in-law. Again.

  She couldn’t believe Cody had turned up after the week they’d had keeping their distance with each other. It didn’t make any sense. As soon as the game stopped, she was going to bail him in a corner and demand to know what he thought he was doing.

  Jason handed her a refilled glass. ‘What’s the lover’s tiff about, then?’

  ‘You want to wear this?’ Harper held her glass up.

  ‘That’d be a waste.’

  ‘Then go play with the kids.’

  Surprisingly, he did, and Harper started to relax a little.

  Until Suzanne picked up where their brother had left off. ‘Want to talk about it?’

  Silly girl. She should’ve known better with her family. ‘No.’

  ‘So something’s happened.’

  The wine was chilled to perfection, but suddenly she wasn’t enjoying it. ‘Why does everyone think because Cody and I aren’t falling all over each other there’s something wrong? We work together, we’re not soul mates.’

  Gemma looked from her across to where Cody was bowling the ball and back again. ‘Could’ve fooled me. You’ve both had the hots for each other right from that day the gunman held his weapon to your head. The way Cody carried you up the path to your apartment was so tender and loving, it made me all gooey inside.’

  Harper could recall in a flash every detail, every sensation of those strong arms holding her against that wide chest. Now she knew his body better, she wanted more. Lots more. ‘“Loving” is a big word. We’d hardly talked until that day.’

  ‘If it fits,’ Gemma quipped. ‘You two sure look like it does.’

  ‘What’s really the problem?’ Suzanne asked.

  Everything. Nothing. She wasn’t telling them the nitty gritty of their argument when she hadn’t figured it out herself, but she could raise what would eventually become the final devastating issue between her and Cody. ‘He wants kids.’

  ‘You’ve discussed this?’

  ‘He told me the weekend we rode out to Pencarrow Head.’ How could she have been so stupid as to think she could manage this? Could walk away from the best thing she’d ever known? Cody was…the man she’d fallen for. In a flash. Probably from the first time she’d taken notice of his hot bod in scrubs. He was everything she wanted in a man and a whole heap more.

  Talk about setting herself up to get hurt. She couldn’t blame anyone else. She also couldn’t continue with the relationship—if it was still there.

  ‘Writing this relationship off before you have a full and frank discussion with Cody is a bit like cutting your own throat when you’re actually happy.’

  Sisters could be so annoying and interfering. ‘You think after Darren I’m going to put my heart on the line when I already know Cody has desires for a family of his own?’

  ‘There are other options. Adoption. Surrogate mothers. It goes on all the time.’

  ‘Why would Cody do that when he doesn’t have to?’

  ‘Because he loves you.’

  Harper leapt to her feet, the wine flying through the air. ‘Don’t say that!’ she yelled at Suzanne. I can’t cope with that. ‘What would you know? Next you’ll be saying I love him.’

  ‘Don’t you?’

  Yeah, she did. She’d finally admitted it to herself. But for her family to see it, that made it harder to pretend otherwise. ‘Shut up.’

  ‘There a problem here?’ Cody had strolled across the lawn to stand a couple of metres away. He might have thought his expression was neutral but Harper would have sworn she could detect hurt lurking in his eyes and in the slight downturn of his mouth.

  He’d overheard Suzanne. Or her. More likely her. She’d been the one yelling. ‘Yes. Annoying sisters who don’t know when to mind their own business.’

  ‘Time for a bike ride, out where we went the other day.’ Cody held out his hand. ‘You need a jacket.’

  ‘Excuse me?’ She stared at him. Dropped her gaze to that extended hand. Extended in friendship? What else? But go with him on a ride so that he could quiz her about what he thought he’d overheard?

  ‘Harper?’ Cody asked. ‘Jacket.’

  So he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Not that she’d given any response. She felt incapable of one. Had no damned idea what she should be doing. Going back to where they’d had their first kiss hummed with danger.

  Behind her there was utter silence.

  The easy option would be to go with him. At least as far as the gate. She had to get away from the girls. Needed time to think without their crazy input.

  Harper grimaced as Cody revved the bike and headed for the main road. How much of that argument with her sisters had he heard? She cringed when she thought he might’ve overheard the ‘love’ word.

  For the first time holding on to him was a nightmare. Putting her arms around him made her want to cry for what they might’ve had. For that love she held for him but couldn’t share. On an indrawn breath, she laid her face against his back. She felt his strength wherever she touched him; the strength that had drawn her to him in the first place.

  It was as though she had to feel him, to smell him, be with him for one last day to store memories to take out in the middle of the night over the coming weeks and months.

  The ride was torture. Time was running out. After today, they’d definitely be over. She would call it off. Falling in love with Cody had wrecked the hopeful fallacy that she could have fun with him without getting hurt.

  *

  At Pencarrow Cody helped Harper off the bike and walked beside her along the beach. He said nothing, but his head was spinning, his gut churning. She hadn’t denied she loved him when Suzanne had pressed her. Gees. He jammed his fingers through his hair. Jeez. What was he supposed to do with that little gem of information?

  Even as he wanted to lift her into his arms and spin them round in circles while grinning and kissing her, he fought not to run for his bike and take off as fast as it could go in an attempt to outrun the fear driving up through him. He couldn’t do this, whatever ‘this’ was. He wanted to love Harper back, to have the whole family, home and Sundays playing cricket thing. He really, really did. But what if he lost Harper like he’d lost Sadie? What if someone like that lowlife with his gun happened again? What if…? A hundred questions exploded through his brain, none of them stopping for an answer.

  They reached the end of the beach, both pausing to stare around as though they had no idea why they were there. Well, hello, I don’t. I dragged Harper here and now I don’t know what to do, what to say.

  He certainly wasn’t about to tell her he was frightened of what might be blooming between them. If it still was after the last hour.

  Finally he asked, ‘Why did your marriage break up?’ Why that question? He’d no idea, but it seemed a good place to start.

  ‘Darren left me because I couldn’t have babies.’ Her voice was quiet but determined. As though she wanted this over.

  ‘You hadn’t told him before you married?’

  Now her voice rose and anger spat at him. ‘Thanks a bunch. You honestly think that I’d hide something so important from the man I loved?’ She dropped to sit on the damp sand. ‘You believe I kept quiet in the hope he’d accept it once we were married?’

  ‘That’s not what I said
. Not quite,’ he admitted with a hint of guilt. ‘I know you better than that.’

  ‘I thought you did.’ She shook her head. ‘But really, I know very little about you, and the same could be said the other way round.’

  He stared down at her, his heart beating hard and loud. ‘So Darren just changed his mind?’

  ‘Yes. After we’d been married for two years. After all his promises about finding other means to have our own family.’

  Cody squatted down beside her. He wanted to take her hands in his, but even as he began to reach for her his old fear prevailed. Why touch her when he didn’t want to continue a relationship with her? As in, a marriage and happy-ever-after relationship? Who said you don’t want it? He did want it, badly, but he couldn’t do it. Today, after hearing what she’d said to Suzanne, he knew he couldn’t. Knew that he’d always live with the fear of something bad happening to her, of him losing her one way or another.

  He picked up a small stone and hurled it at the sea. ‘You got a raw deal.’

  ‘Huh? You reckon?’ Leaping to her feet, she stormed down to the water’s edge, her small hands clenched into fists at her sides.

  He followed, stood beside her and waited impatiently. For what, he didn’t know, but there was more to come. It was there in her stance, in her face. Did he want to hear it? Yeah, he did. For whatever reason, he did.

  *

  I love him. Harper gulped, drew in a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut. She loved Cody. End of. Yes, very much the end of.

  Her anger intensified. How stupid could she get? Loving Cody was impossible. Not allowed. She’d never ask him to give up his dream of a family for her. Never. She kicked at the water, got splashed for her effort.

  ‘What went wrong for your husband to change his mind?’ Cody stood so close to her she could feel his heat, yet the gap between them felt as wide as the Cook Strait.

  ‘What’s the point of all this?’ she snapped.

  ‘Then I’d know.’ He sounded so damned reasonable.

  ‘Right. Then will you tell me why you never talk about your past? I doubt it.’ The air from her lungs hissed over her lips. ‘Take me back. Now. I’m done with this, with you.’ They had to break up one day, so it might as well be today when they were already at loggerheads.

  Cody looked away, went back to staring at that blasted stretch of water between the two heads.

  ‘I loved Sadie very much.’

  Harper waited, her temper not abating, but hovering, ready to explode. She wanted to hear him out, but he had to hurry. Her patience was at zero. Because she was hurting.

  ‘When I said she’d died…’ He paused and slowly met her gaze. ‘She was murdered.’

  Slam. Her anger evaporated. Instantly she reached for his hand. It was cold in hers. ‘Oh, Cody, that’s appalling.’

  ‘She divorced her ex when he went to prison for fraud. We met around that time and fell head over heels in love, got married as soon as she was free, and life was sweet. Or so we thought.’

  Harper continued holding his hand, shocked at what she was hearing.

  ‘I came home from work one day to find her lying in the lounge, bleeding out. I couldn’t save her. She never stood a chance once he stabbed her heart.’

  Cody’s voice broke. ‘He planned it so I’d find her. He wanted me to pay for marrying his wife. He’d learned when I was home from a fishing trip, escaped from jail, headed straight for our house and waited until he heard me turn into the drive.’ Tears streamed down his cheeks. ‘I tried to save her. I did everything possible. It wasn’t enough.’

  ‘If her heart was stabbed it’s doubtful anyone could’ve done any better.’

  ‘That’s what the doctors told me. Didn’t help at all.’

  That was when he’d changed careers; she’d bet on it. Wrapping her arms around him, she held him tight, feeling the ripples of anguish shaking his body.

  It was a long time before Cody stepped away. He didn’t say anything.

  Harper told him, ‘I’m sorry I made you relive that.’ She couldn’t not tell him now that he’d shared his horrific story. She owed him that much. ‘Darren said he didn’t care about not being able to have children with me. But he changed his mind and got another woman pregnant before he left me. Kind of like insurance, making sure the next woman in his life was fertile.’ The past was sour in her mouth. ‘I should be over this by now. I guess I am in some ways, but I’ll never trust another man about this again.’

  More hurt spilled into Cody’s eyes.

  She was sorry for that, but the truth needed to be put between them. ‘Don’t take it personally. It’s just I couldn’t stand to have my heart broken again.’

  ‘You think I can?’

  ‘I understand you can’t.’

  ‘So where does that leave us?’ he asked.

  She swore under her breath. She loved him. But… ‘Even knowing each other’s history, understanding the pain we’ve both been through, caring about each other…’ She thought he cared for her. ‘What you and I have had isn’t going anywhere. It can’t. There’s a fundamental flaw in us having a long-term relationship. You would like a family. I can’t have one.’ She had to remind him, to put it out there again, just so that he didn’t try to avoid it. ‘End of.’

  ‘Thanks for nothing, Harper.’

  ‘Cody.’ she sighed. She could go on explaining herself, but what was the point? He’d understand more than most how she didn’t want to be hurt again. But would he understand she didn’t want to hurt him? ‘Can you take me back to my family?’

  *

  Cody wanted to race the bike down the motorway, break every speed restriction there was, go so fast he couldn’t think.

  But he didn’t. Common sense prevailed. Just.

  So Harper went home with him—in his head. Her words sliced him to shreds. They were finished. On her terms. End of.

  ‘End of what, Harper?’ he yelled as he flung the bike around the corner of his street. ‘I go and fall in love with you and you say it’s over.’

  Not that he’d fessed up to his feelings. That old fear of getting hurt had raised its head the moment he’d opened his mouth to tell her he loved her back there on the beach. He’d wanted to, almost more than anything, but he hadn’t been able to say the words.

  This morning he’d left home excited to be seeing Harper, and determined to move past the chilly week they’d endured, to resume their affair and move forward. He’d also been looking forward to spending time with her family. They’d drawn him in, made him comfortable and relaxed, eager to share their lives.

  But at Jason’s place he’d heard the girls arguing, overheard Harper’s sister saying she loved him and Harper not denying it. That had caused something deep inside his heart to crack wide open. Love had spilled out, blinding him into thinking it might be possible to banish his fears. Then she’d dropped her bomb. She wasn’t having a relationship with him.

  Which just went to prove he’d been right to remain uninvolved in the first place. Except he hadn’t; he had got in so deep there was no way out.

  He loved Harper. No ifs, buts or maybes. He loved her.

  And she’d tossed him. Easy as.

  No. Be fair. Not so, if that anger and pain in her eyes was anything to go by. There’d be no going back on her statement, though. Her chin had jutted out in a ‘don’t argue’ gesture. Her hands had become fists at his waist as they’d ridden back to her brother’s house. And her abrupt nod goodbye had been like a knife to his heart.

  At home he tore his helmet off and banged it down on the outdoor table by the garage.

  Now what? He could open a load of beers and get blind drunk, or he could start on getting that railing fixed. Or he could grab one beer and sort the railing. Good idea.

  He could also try and figure out where to from here with Harper. Hell. He slammed his fingers through his hair. He hadn’t got over the shock of realising he loved her yet. Loved her so much he’d go to the end of the earth for her
.

  No, he wouldn’t; he couldn’t. That was terrifying. Pain had wedged in his heart today but it’d only get worse if he tried to follow through on his feelings. Harper had made his mind up for him about having children; she wasn’t letting him decide if he wanted them more than her. Why did she of all people do that? He’d been making his own mind up about everything he did from the day he’d learned to talk, yet she’d just walked all over him.

  Which might be why Harper had got under his skin and annoyed the hell out of him. She wasn’t even giving him a chance to work out what he wanted, what was best for them both. She’d made a decision and that was that. He was not used to it.

  From the day he’d walked out of those school gates he’d worked damned hard, had become wealthy by using his hands and brain and could hold his head high.

  Cody drained the beer bottle in his hand and stared up at the building in front of him, waiting for the usual pride to suffuse his chest. This house stood as a testament to his success.

  Though it might turn out to be a lonely dwelling if he couldn’t have Harper with him. His heart was now hers. What he did about that was still up in the air. Telling her he loved her and asking her to share his life meant exposing his fears. Not tell her, and he’d be giving up his dreams of a loving woman and family at his side. Harper was that woman. As for the children, they’d work something out if they were serious about each other.

  Yep, which was why he’d start on nailing up that railing. He always thought best when doing manual work. Hopefully by the end of the day he’d have some answers.

  *

  The next week crept past so slowly, Harper thought she must’ve slept through a weekend and worked two weeks in a row.

  On Friday afternoon she handed over to the incoming shift and slunk away quietly, not looking in Cody’s direction once. She couldn’t bear to see that sad expression that had been in his eyes every day since Sunday. He’d managed to avoid working with her most of the time, and in the few cases they’d shared he’d been exemplary in his manner towards her.