The Throwaway Year

by Pace, Pepper

  She quickly apologized and then moved away to read the message. It was from Brian announcing that he was at the grocery store and was unsure about what kind of oatmeal to buy. Her heartbeat began to race and a smile spread across her face.

  “Why in the world do we need oatmeal for meatloaf and smothered cabbage?” he texted.

  “We need it to hold the meatloaf together and to keep it moist. Don’t forget eggs.”

  “Got that. Would you like something to drink; diet cola? Wine?”

  “Wine would be nice. It’s not really on my diet… but one glass of Moscato won’t hurt.”

  “Moscato it is. So I see they have all kinds of oatmeal here.”

  “Do not get the instant kind. It has sugar in it.”

  “Lol! Okay honey, I do know that much.”

  She smiled and then remembered that she was supposed to be trying to get to know a man that didn’t interest her half as much as the one she was texting.

  “I’m sorry, I have to go. Hanging out with friends.”

  “Okay, have fun beautiful. See you tomorrow.”

  “Can’t wait.”

  She quickly returned to the party, wiping the smile of pleasure from her face. A short time later, Dani whisked her away to help her with some manufactured task in the kitchen. Her friend was beaming.

  “I really think Sean likes you! Isn’t he terrific?”

  Hayden nodded. “He’s nice.” She grabbed a dish of chocolate mousse. “Grab something so it doesn’t look so obvious that we’re in here comparing notes.”

  Dani gave her a look of disbelief. “Oh come on… you like him right?”

  Hayden shrugged again before walking out the room. “Not as much as you do.”

  “Hayden!” Dani whispered loudly but Hayden didn’t stop walking until she was back out on the patio. She didn’t stay much longer after that, apologizing for being exhausted after a long week and today’s additional hours at work. She was truly tired but mostly tired of faking interest in a man that Dani obviously had a crush on.

  “Maybe we’ll see each other again?” Sean asked while taking her hand. For a moment she thought he was going to kiss it. She gave him a smile.

  “Nice meeting you Sean.” No promises, no lies.

  ~***~

  Hayden heard the alarm clock and her heart sank. I can’t get up. I can’t go to the park today. I can’t.

  “’I am perfectly imperfect…’” Hayden muttered tiredly. “’I strive for better while loving all that I am today.’” She forced her eyes to open. “’In loving myself today, I am better equipped to improve myself tomorrow. Now get your ass up Hayden!’”

  Hayden sat up and dragged herself to the edge of the bed where she sat for another minute until she was awake enough to stumble into the bathroom. She was at the park right at 8:00 A.M. just as she would have been if Todd and Kevin were coming along.

  “Hi Miss Hayden!” She turned quickly to the familiar voice and smiled genuinely when she saw Kevin getting out of a car.

  “Kevin – you came!”

  “Yep, my mom drove me.” He ran over to Hayden then and accepted a brief hug. Now a woman was getting out of her car, along with another little boy who appeared to be about six or seven; Kevin’s brother Adrian. Hayden looked at the smiling face of Todd’s wife – Kia.

  “Hi. So I finally get to meet you,” Kia said before they shook hands. Hayden didn’t know if she had expected a light-skinned woman with long hair and a model body, but Kia wasn’t that at all. She was full-figured and curvy, but toned in a way that reminded her of tennis star Serena Williams. Kia’s short-cropped hair framed a deep nut-brown face and she had a natural beauty that had no need of makeup.

  “It’s nice to meet you Kia.” Then Hayden looked at the smaller guy that watched her curiously. “And you must be Adrian.”

  He nodded shyly.

  “Todd said you’d be here and I didn’t want Kevin to miss any training days.” Kia chuckled. “I hope you don’t mind that I brought him because I don’t do the jogging thing,” which was evidenced by her attire of sandals and a sundress.

  “I can’t miss a training day either if I expect to run a fifty-K in a few months. These few months are definitely not enough time to become a marathon runner.”

  Kia gave her a polite once over. “Todd says you’ll be able to do it. He’s really proud of your accomplishments. You’re lucky because you have a runner’s body; compact with long legs.”

  Hayden’s brow went up. Runner’s body? Yeah, right! Not with all this lose skin beneath her clothes…

  Kia smiled and then covered her mouth and tried to stop. “I’m so sorry; it’s just that Todd told me how much you hate compliments.”

  Hayden chuckled. “I’m that obvious?”

  Kia shook her head and Kevin interrupted. “Mom! You’re taking us off schedule,” he said impatiently.

  “Kevin. Patience.” Her attention returned to Hayden. “Todd says that you could be a personal trainer.” Hayden had never considered that before; her a personal trainer? She could be one though, couldn’t she?

  “So as my son has so rudely reminded me, I should let you guys get back on schedule.”

  “We’ll be back in about an hour.”

  “Mama, can I get on the swings now?” the little guy asked.

  She took his hand. “Yes. Have a good run guys.”

  As Hayden led Kevin across the street to the jogging trail, she found herself liking Kia and wondering if it would be improper to ask her questions about interracial dating. Hayden wanted to know how being of different races affected her and Todd’s relationship. Hayden had never dated outside of her race and knew that there was still racism in society.

  In this day and age, people of almost all colors used “the N-word” fondly, even in pop culture. Hate crimes continued, bad cops still targeted minorities, and the court system perpetrated racial inequality. Hayden didn’t usually think much about race, although she was probably guilty of having made some stupid racially insensitive comment at some point or another. It was all a lot to think about.

  As Hayden and Kevin jogged, she wondered how she would react to people making such comments about Whites now that she was romantically interested in a White man. If someone made the comment, “Just like a White person…” would she respond by saying, “I know! My White boyfriend does that all the time!” She giggled to herself and Kevin gave her a curious look.

  “Miss Hayden, you’re running faster than Dad—I mean Todd!”

  She slowed their pace, realizing that she had been the one setting their speed. “I thought I was following you!”

  “No, I was following you!”

  “You’re killing me Kevin…” she panted, and then they giggled.

  ~Chapter 13~

  THE YEAR THAT HAD NEVER BEEN THROWN AWAY

  Hayden returned home to shower and to change for both work and her dinner with Brian later that evening. As she showered, she allowed her hands to run down over her rolls of flesh and loose skin. She thought about what Kia had said; that she had a runner’s body; compact with long legs. Yet she still felt and looked like she always had, just a smaller fat woman…

  When she got out the shower she walked naked into her bedroom and stood in front of the full-length mirror that hung on the back of her bedroom door. When she hated herself, she couldn’t see herself, even when she glanced at a mirror, put on makeup, or washed her face.

  So while Hayden no longer hated herself, she had not regained the ability to look in the mirror and to see what was right in front of her. She only saw a fat woman with sagging breasts and a belly that had flesh which could be pulled up and down like an apron! She took in a shaky breath and closed her eyes. “I am going to look at a woman that has a runner’s body; compact with long legs…”

  She slowly opened her eyes and looked at the body—not her face, just her body. She gasped. Her waist curved inward and then swelled out towards hips that swelled perfectly. Her breasts sat on h
er chest but her nipples tipped upward quite full and not pendulous the way she had imagined. Her stomach protruded some below her belly button but she could only grip it if she pulled and stretched the skin there.

  Hayden’s eyes scanned down to legs and thighs that were toned and… were those muscles in the front of her thighs? She studied her calves and saw that they were rock hard. Hayden lifted her arms and made a muscle. She jiggled them and nothing swayed like a turkey neck!

  She allowed her eyes to scan her face. Big brown eyes stared back at her and she wondered if they always looked like this; as if her soul was wide open and all of her secrets were spilling out. She ran her hands through her thick hair and watched it spring back into place; spirals framing her face as if she had purchased a wig—but this was all hers, thick, natural, spiraling curls.

  Hayden sank down onto the edge of her bed allowing big hot tears to roll down her cheeks and splash her bare knees. That woman in the mirror was her? Why had she only seen the other woman that she once was in her mind’s eye? Even when people told her otherwise, she had still never seen anything but the other Hayden; the one that she would never, ever allow to come back to fill her with doubt and self-hate.

  After a moment, she took several deep, cleansing breaths. After dressing in another sundress, this one barely reaching her knees, Hayden went down into her kitchen and looked at the calendar. It was the end of September. In just over two weeks, it would literally be six months since she had made a vow to get right with herself.

  She took down the calendar and stared at it. It was scribbled on with affirmations and notes and reminders. She had never thrown away a year of her life—she had been living it all along.

  ~***~

  When Hayden finally walked into the office, Brian looked up from his desk, a look of relief on his face. He jumped up and came over to her, but then stopped at the sight of her in a pretty dress and low heels. He just stared until Hayden began to fidget uncomfortably before he shook his head and smiled.

  “Is… everything okay?” she asked nervously.

  “Uh… what?” he asked, distractedly, eyes still glued onto her.

  Pam let out a disgusted sigh. “Brine, cat got your tongue? Tell her she looks nice.”

  “You do!” he said and she took her seat relieved and a teeny bit thrilled.

  “I was just worried because it was after twelve and… well I was thinking you’d be in at eight and then we could… uh, eat at around noon.”

  “I’m sorry Brian! I jogged this morning and spent a bit too much time getting ready for… dinner tonight.”

  The mere mention of dinner was causing her to tingle. She hoped her eyes weren’t revealing her thoughts, so she quickly began straightening her already neat desk so that she wouldn’t expose those private thoughts.

  “No, it’s fine. I just… wanted you to have time to relax as well as eat.”

  “Then she should probably get to work…” Pam said while coming to her feet and heading to the canteen with her pack of cigarettes. She winked at Hayden on her way out.

  “Right! Oh, and I have a surprise for you too! But I’ll tell you about that later on.” He was smiling mysteriously now.

  “A secret. Ugh… I’m not good with secrets.”

  “Well, this is a good one.”

  “Uh… that’s even worse. Anticipation is like—pressure and anxiety-”

  “Okay, I’ll tell you,” he interrupted. “You won the bonus!”

  “The year’s worth of free gasoline?” Her voice was sharp with excitement. “Ooh! I needed that!”

  Brian was grinning brightly. “Okay, you’ll have to pretend to be surprised Monday because Dad wanted to make an official announcement.”

  She nodded quickly. “Oh I won’t have to pretend. This is going to make me geeked for the next three months!”

  The workday moved slowly and Hayden was tired, not even the lure of Brian, eating, relaxing and kissing could abate her exhaustion. She had to mask it though, or Brian might cancel. So she went into the canteen for a Coca Cola. It would be her first soda in months, but she needed the caffeine.

  Abdullah was standing by the microwave waiting for his smelly lunch to warm. She looked over at him as she slipped her dollar bill into the vending machine. She retrieved the soda and then walked over to her co-worker.

  “What are you eating Abdullah?”

  “Goat curry and Babba Ghannouj Hayden.”

  “Babba Ghannouj… are you Turkish?”

  He shrugged. “Kurdish.”

  “Ah.” Well no wonder she couldn’t figure out his racial background. She knew nothing about Kurdish people. She stifled a yawn.

  “Are you okay? You look tired. We’ve all been working quite hard this week.” The microwave sounded and he opened it allowing the aroma of his meal to fill the area. He carefully retrieved the bubbling dish leaving a trail of something that looked like rice but wasn’t, along with splatters of liquid.

  She sighed. “I’m fine. I just came in for a soda to pick me up.”

  “I have Turkish coffee in my thermos. My wife makes it and people actually give her money to make it for them each morning.”

  She was interested because she’d never had Turkish coffee, but didn’t think she could drink anything that was in Abdullah’s thermos.

  “I usually drink it after my meal, but you’re welcome to it. There is more at home.”

  She nodded and smiled. “Thank you Abdullah.” Then she paused. “Abdullah, I wanted to ask you about something…”

  He put his hot food on the table leaving another trail.

  “Yes Hayden?”

  “Why don’t you cover your food when you heat it?”

  “Uh… what?”

  She smiled. “Abdullah, would you mind cleaning up your spills?”

  He looked at her in surprise; maybe because she was smiling at him while criticizing him, therefore he wasn’t sure how to take it.

  He pursed his lips together. “Fine!” he snapped. “But I think I’ll just drink my own Turkish coffee!”

  She nodded once and then left.

  Later when he passed her desk to return to work, he muttered something under his breath. However, a minute later he carried a thermos and two small carryout cups.

  “Our coffee is very strong, like our people. A small amount is all you need.” He poured them each a cup of the thick hot liquid. She hid a grimace thinking that it would be extremely bitter, but on the contrary, it was slightly sweet and reminded her of a mocha coffee. She drained her cup in three swallows and then nodded and smiled.

  “It was delicious Abdullah. I’ve never had anything like it.”

  He gave her a pleased look before returning to his desk.

  ~***~

  It was nearly 5:00 P.M. before Hayden had put in her four hours. The coffee had done wonders. When she gathered her things and met Brian at the door, she was full of energy and thought she could probably jog around the building.

  “Hey beautiful.”

  “Hi.”

  “I don’t live too far from here. You can follow me or we can ride over together and I’ll bring you back to your car later.”

  She agreed to allow him to drive and as soon as they were in the car Brian leaned over and kissed her lips gently.

  “I’ve been thinking about that for days.”

  She touched his face. “Me too.” This time, she kissed him, but only briefly and then she pulled back. He started the car seemingly very content.

  Hayden was happy that Brian had offered to drive because he lived in a portion of Villa Hills, Kentucky that she wasn’t familiar with and though it only took 15 minutes, they drove through several winding streets.

  “I can’t wait to see how you make something like cabbage even remotely desirable,” he said.

  “Honey, if you fry anything with bacon and onions, it’s a given that it will be good.”

  “Hmmm.” He pulled up to a duplex that overlooked the hills leading to the Ohio River
.

  “This is pretty,” she said as he opened the car door for her.

  “It’s a great place to watch the fireworks.”

  He took her hand and led her to his apartment. It was an open concept room with a staircase leading up to the second level. It was minimally decorated with black leather furniture and chrome finishes, a sharp contrast to the white carpeting and white walls. Normally she wouldn’t have liked it, but the splashes of deep red and neon blue gave the room life.

  She turned and smiled at him. “I love your place.” He had been staring at her and he quickly blushed.

  “I’ll take you on a tour after we get dinner started.” He still held her hand and led her to the kitchen.

  “This is… wow!”

  He had all stainless steel appliances, an island, and the dark cabinetry looked great with sea green mosaic tile.

  “I don’t use it much, well other than the microwave.” He grabbed two bottles of Moscato but different brands. “Which one?” She pointed to the Barefoot Bubbly and then he poured them two wine glasses full.

  She closed her eyes in pleasure as the cold fluid hit her liquor-deprived senses.

  “This is so good.” She felt him close and when she opened her eyes Brian’s lips were inches from hers. Instead of kissing her like she expected, he took the glass from her and placed it on the bar and then he nipped her lips lightly.

  His hands captured her waist and he pulled her close to him. “Hayden…”

  Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck and she allowed her body to mold against his. Before she knew it, they were kissing wildly and her leg had moved to wrap around his waist.

  He clutched her thigh, allowing his hand to glide upward where he grabbed her ass. She felt him inhale a shaky breath before his hands began gripping and kneading her flesh. She felt him growing hard against her pelvis and with her dress hiked up and her leg around him his grinding hips pushed against places that even she hadn’t touched in ages.