by Jessica Marx
“I know we will, Ash. He’s perfect in every way. It was very unexpected. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to marry again, but once he asked me, I knew it was meant to be.”
My mom continues to tell me the story of how Tom proposed and how romantic everything was. I feel bad because I’m only half-listening. My mind is fixed on Jayson. This is real now. He is going to be my stepbrother. No matter what I was thinking last night, or before, knowing this is going to make me reevaluate everything.
My mother is finished with her story and I need to respond. “That sounds like a fairytale, Mom. When do you think you’ll have the wedding?” I need to know how long I have to make a decision.
“I don’t think we’re going to wait too long and we don’t want to make a big fuss. We are planning to just have our immediate families and a couple of friends.”
My stomach is doing somersaults. My mind is going over so many different scenarios. I need some time to process all of this.
“That sounds perfect,” I lie. It sounds like torture. If I continue to date Jayson, which I really want to do, I will have to tell my mother before she marries Tom. As much as I would now like to, I can’t lie about it forever. If she flips out about the news it could be harmful for my new relationship,, and possibly hers too. But this is my mother’s life, and it will be her day. I can’t be selfish about it.
“I have to get ready for work now, Mom. Congratulations again. I am so happy for you. Please tell Tom I said the same.”
“Thanks, Ash. I’ll see you for lunch next week and we can talk more about all the details.”
I end the call and feel confused all over again. I was so sure last night that no matter what, I wanted to be with Jayson. Now that the reality is that he is going to be my stepbrother, I’m not as confident in my decision.
I’m so torn. On one hand, Jayson is right about what he said initially; we are adults, so our parents’ relationship should not have any effect on ours. We won’t be living together under the same roof, and although we will be “related,” we won’t really be acting as a family unit. As a grown woman, I also don’t see myself referring to Tom as “Dad,” especially since my own father is still a part of my life.
The age difference is going to be hard for my mother to swallow. My father scarred her for life leaving her for a younger woman. Jayson is significantly older than me, and I know she will be less than pleased. She still treats me like a child as it is and won’t believe I could be in love with a man, anyway. And knowing what she knows about Jayson already, her opinion is going to be tainted. There is no way she would approve.
On the other hand, we can’t help who we fall in love with. I know Jayson loves me, even though he hasn't actually told me yet. As crazy as it is, I know I love him, too. Many people wouldn’t understand, but it’s my mother I care about and how she will feel. I also don’t know how comfortable I will feel having my boyfriend as my stepbrother. We are in no way related, but it is definitely an awkward relationship to define, nonetheless. Especially when you add our age difference to the equation.
Why does it have to be so complicated? Why is it that when I finally meet someone who cares just as much about me as I do about him, there has to be so much more involved than just our feelings?
I wonder if Jayson has heard the news yet. I don’t want to call him now, but we are going to have to address it at some point very soon. I don’t know how he will react, if at all.
I’m turning all of these thoughts over in my head for so long that I don’t realize how much time has passed. I shut the television off and get up to shower. I never called Rachel, so I just send her a text that I’m running late and will call her later. There is way too much to tell her now in the amount of time I have, anyway.
I finish getting ready and leave for work. I don’t know how I’m going to concentrate today. I have too much on my mind. I wish I could rewind to this morning when I felt blissful and peaceful, but I can’t. Now I need to move forward with this new information and hope whatever decision I make is the right one. I honestly don’t know if there even is a right one.
I know what I want, and I believe Jayson and I have a future together, and that’s all that should matter. I can’t let all of these other things get in my way. My mother will have to accept my decision, and being adult enough to talk to her about it will be big help in her acceptance.
____________
I do the best I can to work through the day. Even though I’m busy the day just drags on. Sometime during the lunch rush it starts raining out, which further enhances the melancholic mood I’m in.
When I get a break between shifts, I sit at the bar with my lunch and a drink. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, so I take out my phone and try to look busy. I see a simple text from Jayson: Miss you. I want to ask if he heard the news yet, but don’t want to spoil Tom’s announcement if he hasn’t told his sons. I decide not to approach that topic until a later time and just write back Miss you too and put my phone away.
I clean up after myself and get ready for the dinner shift. My mood hasn’t lifted at all and it’s still raining, which means the dinner crowd will be lighter than usual.
A couple of hours into the evening, I feel like this has been the longest day ever. My head is starting to throb, probably from a combination of too much thinking and the weather. I can’t wait to get home and crawl under my covers.
I’m delivering a tray of coffees to my last table when I see Rachel and Chris walk in and I have my first real smile since I got here today.
Rachel waves at me and they head over to the bar. My spirits lift a little and I work a little faster to close out my section. As soon as the table gets up, I am wiping it down and resetting it so I can end my shift. I wash up in the bathroom and join Rachel and Chris at the bar. Sam is in front of me with an extra-large glass of wine before I even sit down.
“You look like you need one of these—at least one,” Sam says as he passes me the glass.
“Thanks. I do,” I reply and turn my attention to Rachel and Chris.
“Hey, guys! Nice to see you here.” They each stand and we hug.
“You’re hard to track down lately. I figured this was a good way to find you,” Rachel teases. We each take a sip of our drinks and sit down.
“Yeah. It’s been a little crazy lately,” I start, and then give them a summary of what has been happening. I don’t mind talking in front of Chris. As my best friend’s boyfriend, we’ve spent a lot of time together and I know she would tell him most of it, anyway. Plus it’s nice to have a male point of view on things, sometimes.
I end the story with my mother getting engaged to my new boyfriend’s father. Rachel and Chris have listened attentively and I know I can count on them for some honest advice, like it or not.
“Okay, where to start…” Rachel begins. “As much as I hate to say it, I think you may have found love.”
“Why do you hate saying it?” Chris interrupts.
“I told you about my first and only meeting with Jayson. Wasn’t a big fan,” Rachel replies.
“Oh, yes. That’s right. I think you referred to him as ‘the asshole.’ ” Chris takes a swig of his beer. “Sorry, go on.”
“Anyway, I think all weirdness aside, your mom should understand that you might be in love and love is hard to find. You can’t—or shouldn’t—have to give that up because your mother doesn’t approve, or because of this newfound relation between your families. You’re all adults, so what you do is your own business,” Rachel advises.
“Really, Ashley, we can’t help who we fall in love with. It sucks your mom already compares Jayson to your father, but just because he’s older doesn’t make it the same. You’re not the woman on the side. He’s not leaving a twenty-year marriage for you. She’s going to have to get over that fact. She also has to stop caring so much about what everyone around her thinks,” Rachel finishes. I am so lucky to have this girl as my best friend.
“What she said,” Chri
s adds. “And also, men can be total dicks, but it sounds like this dude is sincere. If you let him go before really giving it a chance, you will regret it.”
“He’s right. That’s how I got stuck with him in the first place,” Rachel jokes.
We hang at the bar and talk some more. Thankfully, the subject changes to their vacation and random gossip about some mutual friends. My mind still wanders back to Jayson, but I’m happy to be talking about something and someone else. I love having these two on my side.
I know what I have to do. I have to talk to Jayson first and see what he knows. As long as he still wants to move forward, I will have to face my mother. I don’t know what her actual reaction will be, I can only hope that she takes the news better than I’m anticipating. From what Jayson has said, I don’t think Tom will have any issues with our relationship, but then again, you never know. Eric and Matt will both have to be informed, but part of their job as our brothers is to support us and then torment us, so I kind of know what to expect there.
We finish our drinks and Rachel and Chris decide to head out to the bar next door for another round. I don’t really feel like joining them tonight. After working a double and this emotional roller coaster of a day, I’m ready to head home.
On my way to my apartment, my phone vibrates in my pocket. It’s Jayson.
Have you heard the news?
Yes, I reply. My phone rings almost immediately thereafter.
“Hello,” I answer on the first ring. I know it’s Jayson.
“Hey, beautiful. Are you okay?” he asks me. As uptight as I’ve been all day, I find the sound of his voice so soothing.
“I am. My mother is super excited and I’m happy for her,” I reply.
“You don’t sound so happy,” Jayson says.
“It just sucks. You’re going to be my big brother now. What the fuck?” Jayson chuckles at my statement.
“Come on, Ashley. You know it’s not like that,” he says.
“I know, but it kind of is.”
“Don’t worry, we will get through it. You’re mine now, remember? I will be by your side and we will make sure everything works out in the end.”
I feel better hearing him tell me that. I am still walking and almost at my building. I hate talking and walking, but I just want to get home.
“Did you tell Tom about us?” I ask.
“No. I think you should be the one to tell Cynthia,” he responds.
“You’re right. It should be me.” I sigh. “And I want to get it over and done with as soon as possible.”
“Do you want me to be there when you do?” Jayson offers. Knowing that my mother already has him pegged as a womanizing gigolo, I don’t think it’s the best idea.
“Thanks, but I think I should do it myself first and see how she takes the news,” I answer. I know she’s going to flip out and I don’t think Jayson needs to see that. I walk up to the front of my building and stop before entering.
“If you change your mind, I will be there,” Jayson assures me.
“Thanks. That means a lot.”
“Ashley…” Jayson says. There’s something about the way he says my name that still makes me melt.
“Yes?” I answer when he doesn’t continue.
“Everything will be fine. I promise.” And I believe him. Hearing Jayson say that so sincerely makes me feel more at ease than I have all day. I love him. I really love him.
“I know,” I say and I smile to myself. “Thanks for calling me. I’m home now and want to go up to my apartment. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Of course,” he answers. “Sweet dreams, baby.”
“You too. Goodnight.”
I walk into my building, smiling once again. Hearing reassuring words from Jayson made me feel better than anything else. Knowing he still wants to see it through and plans to stay by my side means so much. I don’t know what our future will bring, but having him as my partner and my protector will give me the strength I need and make any battle worth fighting.
20
____________________
I wake up Sunday morning feeling renewed and much less stressed. Having Jayson say those things last night really helped boost my confidence in both our relationship and my will to fight for it.
While I wait for the coffee to brew, I brush my teeth and wash my face. I’m planning on calling my mother first thing so we can talk, and I don’t waste any more time with worry. Once I tell her about Jayson, we can at least begin to move on and work on damage control.
I walk into the kitchen and pour coffee into my favorite mug. I take my phone from the charger and sit at the counter with it in my hand. I decide to drink my coffee first so I can contemplate the best way to approach the subject with Mom.
About halfway through my mugful and several potential opening statements later, I realize there really is no good way. Maybe I’m making this into a much bigger deal than it actually is. Maybe she won’t even care so much. I’ll just hold onto that notion while I dial, even though I expect it’s not true.
I take a few deep breaths to calm myself before I dial. I then acknowledge that I’m using it more as a method of procrastination than relaxation, so I stop. I pick up my phone and call her. After a few rings, she picks up.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Mom,” I reply trying to sound pleasant.
“Hi, Ashley! Nice to hear from you so early on a Sunday. Did you get your schedule already?” she asks.
“No. Just wanted to say hi.” I’m losing courage every second. I need to regain my composure.
“Even better! Tom is out back so it’s quiet in here. What’s new? How is everything? How is Michael?” Mom questions all at once. And there it is, my opener: Michael.
“Nothing much. Not sure how Michael is. We broke up,” I inform her.
“Aw. So sorry, Ashley. I know you really liked him.”
“Yeah. It’s okay. I thought I did, but he lied to me. Actually, he cheated on me, which involved many lies over time, I’m sure.” I try not to sound too bitter. “I’m over it, though. He’s not worth my time.”
“Well, good for you for letting him go,” Mom encourages me. “You’re an amazing girl and you deserve someone that appreciates you. Besides, you’re still young. You should be out having fun and not concentrating on one guy. Find some nice college friends and boys your own age. Michael was already out in the world, working a corporate job—he would have moved on at some point, anyway.” Wow, Mom is on a roll.
“Thanks, Mom. You always know how to make me feel better,” I reply. I’m only being somewhat sincere. Mostly I’m trying to butter her up a little bit.
“I’m older and wiser, remember?” Mom kids. “Plus, after almost twenty years with your father, I learned a lot about men. Especially cheaters. More so, men that prey on younger women. Trust me, Ashley, I’ve seen and heard it all,” she finishes. She just touched on almost every negative thing I know she is going to hate about Jayson. This should get interesting.
I chuckle because I know she’s trying to make a joke, but also because I’m extremely nervous now. She gave me the perfect segue initially, but now I have been set up for failure. I prepare myself for the incoming shit storm as I begin my response.
“Yeah. I saw what you went through. Good thing you have Tom now.”
“He’s perfect, Ashley. Truly perfect. I am very thankful he’s in my life.” I can almost see her smile through the phone. I decide this is my chance and go for it.
“I hope I find my own Tom one day, Mom. Actually, I think I might have. Losing Michael may not have been the worst thing.” I tell her officially opening Pandora ’s Box.
“Already?” She sounds dubious. “That happened fast. You thought Michael was perfect, too, though. You wanted me to meet him just a couple of weeks ago.”
“Well, yes. I kind of met him while I was with Michael, but didn’t bother with him since I was already in a relationship.” I’m trying to sound like I didn’t just jump into som
ething.
“Oh. And you think he’s the One now?” Mom replies, sounding disappointed already.
“He might be. He’s honest and loving. He’s supportive. He’s head over heels for me. I’m pretty sure he is also in love with me, although we haven’t said it yet.”
“He sounds fantastic, but I don’t know. You should be careful, Ashley. Sometimes when something—or someone—sounds too good to be true, most likely it is.” I don’t even know if I want to take this conversation further, but at this point, I don’t have a choice.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone. And I’m sure his feelings for me are true. I just know it.”
“You’re too young to know these things, Ashley. You’ve been in college for three years and haven’t even settled on a major. You will learn as you grow and mature.” Now Mom is lecturing me. I was trying to be patient, but now she’s just being mean—and I haven’t even told her who this man is yet.
“Don’t be so judgmental, Mom,” I snap. “A career is one thing, my feelings are another. I know how Jayson and I feel about each other, and it’s real. I don't have to go to school to know that.”
“If you say so, Ashley,” she concedes. “I only want you to be happy. I’m just looking out for you. I will wait until I meet this Jayson to judge.”
“Crazy coincidence, Mom. You actually already know him,” I reply in a calmer tone.
She’s quiet for a moment, as if she can’t possibly believe that what she’s thinking is true. When the silence between us only thickens and I don’t correct her, she whispers, “That Jayson?”
“Yes. That Jayson. Crazy, right?” I give another little laugh, hoping against all odds that it’ll lighten the situation.
“Oh, no. No, Ashley. Just… no,” Mom replies, obviously at a loss for words.
“No?” I ask. “I don’t need your permission, Mom. Although you think I’m young, I’m an adult and can make my own decisions.”