Until the End of the World (Book 1)

by Sarah Lyons Fleming

  “You don’t know what Adrian’s thinking. Neither do I. Neither does Peter, for that matter. And there’s no way to know right now. So stop acting like you know, first of all, and stop taking it out on other people. We all have our own shit we’re going through. Adrian’s alive, be thankful for that.”

  I think of Eric and what I would give to know his fate. Of everybody else’s families and how desperate we are for news of them. I once said that knowing Adrian was alive was enough, and it was true then. I’ve gotten so mixed up.

  “You’re being mean, Cassie, and you aren’t a mean person. Give Peter a chance to prove he’s changed, okay?”

  He reaches his hand up. I grab it but keep my eyes on the dust motes swirling in a patch of sunlight. He squeezes once. “Love you, Cass. I’ll leave you alone.”

  I watch him leave and rest my head on the ladder rungs. Nelly’s right. I’ve denied Peter the one thing I want most for myself: forgiveness. Instead of understanding it might have been impossible for him to be the person I expected him to be, I’ve been punishing him, nursing hurts and grudges and holding it against him. Which is exactly what I fear Adrian has done. That he can’t forgive me for having been weak and lost. I haven’t been able to forgive myself, so I didn’t think Peter deserved it either.

  It’s time to let it go. To accept that whatever is, is. To embrace and enjoy what I do have. Because I know that right now, in comparison to the rest of the world, it’s an awful lot.

  CHAPTER 93

  I wait until Peter’s alone on the front steps carving away at a small stick and force myself over to where he sits.

  “Taking up whittling?” I ask, and try to smile.

  He drops the stick and raises his hand in the air. “I don’t know, maybe. Does that meet with your approval?”

  His voice is exasperated, on the defensive. I fight the urge to storm off. I haven’t said a nice word to him in a month, so why should he know that I plan to now?

  “I didn’t mean… Peter, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you.”

  It comes out in a huge rush and my voice cracks at the end. He looks up from his folding knife with a lined brow that smoothes out when he sees my face. I motion at the steps, and he scoots over so I can sit. It’s shady and cool out here in the afternoon. I’ve brought my mother’s flowers back from their sorry state, and I take a deep breath of the scented air before I continue.

  “I haven’t been fair to you. I know you’ve been trying and I’ve made it harder. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself instead of being thankful for all of this.”

  I wave my hand at the woods and the house and even him. He picks up his stick and turns it over in his hands, then looks sideways at me with the corner of his mouth turned up.

  “Taking a page from my book,” he says. “I’m sorry too, you know. I thought I could get away without saying it to you for some reason. I don’t know why it was so hard for me to do.” He shakes his head.

  I shrug. “You were mad at me. I haven’t handled things very well, have I?”

  “Better ‘n I did,” he says, like we’re two kids having a fight.

  I smile. “I mean, the break up could have gone smoother. I’m sorry about that.”

  It’s his turn to shrug. “It was coming for a while.”

  “You knew?”

  “I’m not that oblivious, you know. I knew you would break up with me sooner or later. I just held on as long as I could. I thought maybe at some point… But after that night, the one before that party?”

  I nod. So he was awake.

  “After that, it was just a matter of time. I’m surprised it took as long as it did.”

  “Well,” I say. “I’m not very good at breaking up with people.”

  Except once. I know he knows what I’m thinking. I’m sure Ana’s told him the whole story.

  He looks cautious. “Can I say something? It has the A word in it.”

  I let out a shaky breath. “Sure. Let’s get it all out.”

  “I know what he said on the radio, but I think you’re taking it wrong. You automatically thought he wasn’t talking about you. But what if he’s talking to you?”

  “What?” Peter’s out of his mind. There was no cryptic message in there.

  “Maybe he didn’t want to go on the radio and pour out his heart to someone he thinks doesn’t miss him. But maybe he said there was no one else so that you would know, just in case you were out here listening. Cassie, think about it. ‘There’s no one else.’ ”

  I look at Peter like I’ve never seen him before. Maybe he’s right. Not that it was a message, but that I’ve been thinking about it all wrong. There’s no one else. Maybe I still have a shot. And a tiny voice reminds me that I know Adrian, that he never would have gone on the radio willingly; he would have sent Ben or anyone else. Maybe he wanted me to hear his voice. Just in case. It’s a tiny coal of hope and I’ll protect it, but I won’t let it consume me. Maybe one day I’ll know.

  “When did you get so smart?” I ask.

  He grins and gets that arrogant look on his face, but it’s only for show. “Only recently,” he admits, and looks down at his stick again. “Only after Bits and that night.”

  “I’m sorry for what I said, Peter. About no one loving you. It’s not true, you know. And, Bits, she loves you, well, to bits.”

  “And I’m sorry about putting us all in that situation, but I can never be truly sorry it happened. We saved Bits.”

  I nod. I’ve thought that myself.

  “She reminds me of my little sister. She was nine when she and my parents died.” He twists the stick with shaky hands and glances at me. “I’ve never told anyone this before.”

  He exhales. “The night they died my sister was going to a birthday party at one of those arcade places. You know, the kind that have Skee Ball and other stuff?

  “We lived in Westchester. We weren’t loaded or anything. My grandmother was the kind of person who held money over your head, and my dad had washed his hands of her. We saw her on holidays. He was a lawyer and made decent enough money. We were happy.”

  He smiles and stares into the trees across the driveway.

  “So that night Jane, my sister, wanted me to come with her. She practically begged me, but I didn’t want to be seen with a bunch of nine year-olds by anyone at school and I was old enough to stay home alone. So I told her no way and they left. The next time I saw them was at their funeral.

  “At the wake I heard people talking about the accident. My mother and father had been killed instantly, but what everyone had kept from me was that my sister hadn’t. She must’ve been stuck in her seat, because she died of smoke inhalation from the fire. Her nails were bloody, like she’d been trying to release herself, but the car was so twisted she couldn’t undo the buckle. Maybe if I’d been there I could have gotten her out. But I was selfish.”

  The stick twists faster and faster. I put my hand over his. All these years he’s been carrying this around, angry at himself.

  “No, Peter. You were twelve.”

  He drops the stick and holds my hand. A tear rolls down his face. “After that it was easy to be like my grandmother. To be selfish, since I knew that’s what I really was. I didn’t have anyone else. After a while I forgot there was any other way. Poor little rich boy, right?”

  I shake my head at his disparaging laugh. My mother always said that everyone carries so much inside them that we never know about. That’s why she was so kind to everyone. As usual, she was right.

  “Bits is like my second chance at a family. A chance to protect Jane. It’s ridiculous, I know.”

  “No, it’s not. Not at all.”

  He places my hand back on my knee with a gentle pat and wipes his eyes. We sit so close our shoulders touch. I hear plates hit the table for dinner and footsteps at the front door. Whoever it is must see us sitting here because the footsteps recede again.

  “We’re all your family,” I say, and I mean it. He smiles and looks do
wn. It’s just like my dream, except I’m sitting with Peter.

  “You and Bits have the dirtiest feet I’ve ever seen.” He laughs and wipes his eyes one last time. He glances at me again. “Can I say one more thing?”

  “Of course.”

  “Do you love Adrian?”

  I stare up at the treetops, watching crows circle. “I always have. I just told him I didn’t.”

  He elbows me in the side. “Well, why would you go and do something dumb like that?”

  “Thanks a lot,” I say, and elbow him back.

  He stops smiling and his eyes grow serious. “Cassie, if you really loved him and he knew it, really knew it?” I nod, because he did and because I know he loved me back. “Then he still loves you. Believe me, no one would let you go that easily.”

  My cheeks are pink, but it’s more of a happy warmth than a blush. I see he means it, and it’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me. “Thanks.”

  He picks up his stick and taps me on the knee. I take it and tap him back.

  “So, are we friends?” I ask.

  “Yeah, finally, I think we are.”

  I look at his work boots. They’re so different than the kind of shoes he always wore. They look good on him.

  “Hey, Petey.” I bite my lip to keep from smiling. “Sorry about your fancy shoes. You know, the whole puking thing.”

  He laughs and leans back on the top step. “I deserved it. But I really did love those shoes.”

  We lean against each other for a little while longer, listening to the sounds of our family in the house, and then we get up and join them.

  CHAPTER 94

  I’ve volunteered to do the thankless task of placing new jars of food behind the old in the basement. All the flour and other staples we’ve scavenged we use first because my parents packed theirs to last for ten or twenty years. I wonder if we’ll still be taking refuge here in ten years. It’s a sobering thought, and I try to banish it by humming anything but the Golden Girls’ theme song, so I don’t hear Nelly behind me until he speaks.

  “Whatever would you do without me?” He stands with his hands on his hips and looks gallant.

  I put on a southern belle accent. “Ah don’t rightly know, suh.”

  “You’ve been humming for days, and I can’t help but think my Come to Jesus talk had something to do with it.”

  “Nelson Everett, modest as usual.” He huffs on his fist and rubs it on his chest. “But right as usual, too. Come and help.”

  “I knew I’d get roped into doing work if I came down here.”

  “There’s always work in the summer. Just think of the long winter days we’ll while away by the fire, growing increasingly bored and insane.”

  He groans and sits on a five-gallon bucket. “Don’t get me wrong, being alive is cool, but the thought of all of us, all winter, is a tad bit depressing. Think we could find me a boyfriend before the snow flies?”

  “Maybe next year we’ll head to a Safe Zone and find you one.”

  I try to keep how much I would like to be at a certain Safe Zone out of my voice. It’s not that I want to leave here; I just wish for five minutes alone with Adrian. Five minutes to see how he feels about me. I smile brightly.

  Nelly smiles and shakes his head. “There’s no maybe about it, darlin’. If I have to watch you walk around all lovelorn for two more years, I’ll strap you to my back and walk you there myself, fighting off zombies the whole way.”

  I laugh at the image but squint at him. “I’m not so bad, am I? I’ve been trying.”

  “You haven’t been whimpery at all, but I still know.”

  “Of course you do.” I sigh. “So it’s celibacy for us. Unless you want to switch teams for the winter.” I wink lasciviously at him.

  “No, thanks,” he says dryly. “Although you’d be my first choice. Maybe ask me again in February.”

  “Think of all the little Nelson Charles Everetts we could have running around.” I pat the imaginary head of one of them.

  “Okay, that just made up my mind. No way.” He runs a hand through his hair until he looks like he’s been electrocuted.

  “Well, we need a project. Is it just me or have you noticed that Ana and Peter—”

  He grins. “Um, yeah. Even Bits has noticed. She asked Ana if Peter was her prince the other day. Ana got all flustered, it was great.” He shifts on the bucket as he laughs, and I hear an ominous creak.

  “Well, Ana’s not the problem. I think Peter likes her, too, but he’s treating her like a little sister-best friend. I’m going to find out why.” I push the old cans of beans to the side and stack the new ones behind them.

  “You’re okay with it?”

  Nelly jumps to catch a can before it crashes. He holds it and searches my face.

  I shrug. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” he says, like I’m dumb. “Some people feel it’s weird to have their ex-boyfriend dating their little sister.”

  “Come on.” I take the can and roll my eyes. “She’s not my little sister. Plus, Peter and I should have broken up forever ago. I have no feelings except friend feelings for him.”

  “Well, maybe you should save him for February for yourself, just in case I’m unavailable.”

  I cuff him on the back of the head. “Shut up. You’ll come around, I just know it.”

  I lean sexily against the shelf with a hand on my hip, but my hand slips and he bursts into laughter.

  “I am now forced to rescind my offer, since you laughed at my sexy pose. You’ll be sorry.” I cross my arms and he grins. “Anyway, I’m going to find out what Peter thinks of Ana. It’ll give us something to do besides moving those cans of beans and putting the new ones in the back.” I point to where what looks like a thousand cans of beans sit waiting.

  “Seriously?” He lets out a dramatic sigh before he moves to the shelves and starts to shuffle cans around.

  CHAPTER 95

  Halfway through the third lap between the cabin and John’s, I stop with my hands on my knees. I was not made to run. There’s a knife in my side and my lungs burn. I might be dying. Ana’s ponytail swings jauntily as she jogs in place in front of me. She’s actually smiling. I hate her.

  “That’s only a mile,” she says.

  “That’s about a mile more than I can usually run.” I sink to the ground. “Dying. Go on without me. Remember me always.”

  She frowns and nudges me with a sneakered foot. “You are not dying. Stop being such a baby.”

  Ana’s new interest has turned into an obsession. And while these past weeks have put me in the best shape of my life, I am not as driven as she. I want to be able to kill things, not be a superhero. Or be a superhero without having to run ten miles.

  “I just need a minute.”

  It’s soft and cool down here on the forest floor. Ana bounces on the balls of her feet. I know she wants to continue, and I’ve no intention of getting up anytime soon.

  “Go ahead, Ana. I’ll see you on the way back.” She nods and starts toward John’s. “Or never.”

  “I heard that!” she yells, as she hops off a tree root with a burst of speed.

  I watch until she’s out of sight. Ana’s still headstrong and bossy, but now she has a vulnerability she always kept hidden. I’m trying to encourage it. It’s the main reason I’m running through the woods like an idiot, killing myself.

  I kick off my sweaty sneakers and wait until the burning in my lungs subsides. I have to stay ahead of her if I’m going to escape her clutches, so I yank myself up using a low branch. I pass the shed and see Peter and James inside. They’ve been trying to figure out the solar power for days.

  “How’s it going?” I ask.

  They look up and smile. I like having Peter’s reaction to me be a smile instead of a scowl. It’s nice to smile back at him, too.

  James pushes his hair back and sets down a manual. “Well, I think I might have an idea. Unfortunately, I know computers
, which is about as helpful right now as being fluent in ancient Greek. We’re going to need a bunch of stuff, most importantly, new batteries.”

  He’s being modest, though. He fixed the radio and helped John with the generator wiring. I bet we’ll have power eventually.

  “We can go tomorrow,” I say. I lean against the wall to massage my legs and look at Peter to see if he’s in.

  “Sure,” Peter says, his mouth quirking. “Boot camp making you sore?”

  “I am not built for speed.”

  It comes out before I remember its double meaning. He looks like he’s about to comment, but he must think again, because he closes his mouth and raises an amused eyebrow. Peter’s so different that I don’t think of him as the Peter I dated. I just pretend I’ve slept with his evil twin brother.

  I blush and change the subject. “She’s relentless.”

  Just then Ana runs past and waves. Her footsteps head around the shed, and then she’s past the window, waving again.

  “She’s definitely single-minded,” he says. We watch her run into the woods.

  “She can sure fill out a pair of Wal-Mart yoga pants though, eh?” He looks at me strangely but stays silent. Nelly says I have no finesse in these situations. “She’s really pretty, don’t you think?”

  “Of course,” he says.

  “And she’s smart and has a great sense of humor. You probably know all that, since you guys are such good friends.”

  “Why do I feel like you’re trying to sell me something?”

  His face is impassive, but I think I see a twinkle in his eye. James stands behind Peter, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter. I glare at him.

  “I’ll get started on that list for tomorrow,” James says, barely containing his mirth as he leaves.

  Peter looks at me suspiciously. Nelly was right, I have no finesse. I’m going to have to get right to the point. “Well, I was thinking that you and Ana would be good together. She likes you, you know.” I grin at him.