by L M Krier
They finally saw Ted's silhouette in the beam of light from Trev's head torch, which he had dipped to the maximum so as not to startle or dazzle him. Ted was sitting on one of the furthest rocks, his legs over its edge, dangling into the void beside the waterfall.
'Hey, you,' Trev said quietly, as he approached slowly and carefully. 'You're late for supper.'
Ted turned his head and Trev could make out in the light of the torch that his expression looked bemused. He could see, too, that Ted was shivering with the cold. He had no waterproof on, his fleece jacket looked wet through, and his blonde hair, the shade of dusty over-ripe corn, hatless, was plastered to his head by the rain.
'Sorry,' Ted said, 'I think I lost track of time a bit. I needed to think.'
He looked past Trev to Maurice's looming figure and asked, his voice puzzled, 'Maurice?'
'Now then, boss, it's a strange place to be giving a concert. Why don't you come back down with me and Trev?'
Trev was gradually moving carefully closer, his face anxious. He had no idea what was going through Ted's mind. He just wanted to get him away from the drop.
'I think I lost my way a bit, too,' Ted said, in a small voice.
Wordlessly, Trev reached out and folded him in a careful hug, helping him to his feet, guiding him away from the edge of the waterfall, and sitting him down on a rock. He peeled off Ted's wet fleece and helped him into a dry one. Then he got his space blanket out and wrapped it round Ted's shoulders. He and Maurice sat down on either side of him, their closeness adding to the essential warmth to thaw him out.
'It's going to be all right now. We're both here, we're going to make sure you're all right. Have some tea to warm you up, then Maurice and I are going to get you safely down from here,' Trev told him, as Maurice nodded in agreement. Then Trev said again, more firmly, 'It's going to be all right.'
'That's what I keep saying,' Ted sighed. 'I keep telling everyone that. But it isn't. It's not all right at all. I don't know if I can go on. I don't know if I can do it any more.'
Trev and Maurice exchanged anxious looks. Ted's voice was so forlorn, small and hollow. Trev had seen him low many times before, because of the nature of his job, but he couldn't recall when he had seen him as down as this.
'Come on, Ted, we need to get you down from here and into some dry clothes,' Trev said, the note of concern in his voice unmistakeable. Still Ted seemed reluctant to make a move.
'Why don't you two go on down? I'll be fine now. I'll just finish my tea to warm up, then I'll follow you down.'
Again the two men exchanged glances. There was no way they were leaving him there alone, not now they'd found him and seen the state he was in. Maurice decided the situation called for drastic measures.
'Bloody hell, boss, stop pissing about and come on. I'm freezing cold and wet through and I want my tea, even if you don't. And while you're fannying around up here singing whatever shit it is, I'm freezing my nadgers off and I want to go home, right?'
Ted blinked at him in surprise, rain streaming down his face, running off the end of his nose. If anything could get through to him in his present state of mind, it was his unfailing care and compassion for others, especially his team members.
'Sorry. Sorry, Maurice, you're right, we should go now.' He got uncertainly to his feet as Trev slipped an arm round him to help and support him.
It took far longer than it should have done to get him back down to the car park. It was a walk Ted had done countless times before. This time he was hesitant and stumbling, confused and disorientated. Trev was getting increasingly concerned with every unsure step Ted took, but after what seemed like an eternity, they finally reached the car park. Between them, they bundled Ted into the passenger seat of his own car, then Trev turned to Maurice.
'Thanks so much for your help, Maurice. Clearly, he's not going to be in work tomorrow. I'll phone the Ice Queen, but can you let the rest of the team know he's not well. I think he'd prefer it if they didn't know what happened this evening.'
'I'm not stupid, Trev. What happened here stays between us. I'll tell the team the boss has a bug and he just happened to contact me to let me know.'
'Thanks again, Maurice, that's kind.' Trev took a step forward and Maurice immediately recoiled suspiciously.
'You aren't going to hug me or anything, are you?' he demanded warily. 'Only, no offence or anything, but I'm not into man hugs.'
Despite the seriousness of the situation and the stress they were under, Trev had to laugh. 'Don't worry, you're definitely not my type. No offence. I was just going to offer a handshake.'
Maurice nodded in relief and gripped his hand. 'That's fine. You take good care of the boss, now, and for God's sake get him to see a doc or a shrink or something. Good night now, safe home.'
Ted was shivering and subdued in the passenger seat as Trev slid the driver's seat back as far as it would go to accommodate his long legs, then started the engine. He would put the heater on as soon as he could, to try to dry Ted out a bit and warm him up. He put out his hand and took hold of Ted's, squeezing it gently. It was freezing cold and somehow felt fragile in his grasp.
'Are you all right now? You really had me worried up there, sitting so close to the edge like that. I thought …' there was a slight catch in his voice, then he continued, 'I didn't know what you were going to do.'
Ted seemed to have to make an effort to come back from a distant place before he could reply. When he squeezed Trev's hand in response, it was firmer, more positive.
'You thought I was thinking of jumping?' he asked in surprise. 'No. God, no. I'm so sorry, Trev, I didn't mean to scare you. I would never do that to you. Honestly. I wouldn't. I just got very low, thinking of all the people who might still be alive today if I hadn't got things completely wrong. I just lost touch with everything else. Sorry.'
'You should maybe see Carol again, just for a few sessions,' Trev suggested carefully, knowing how much his partner hated to be pushed into anything. 'And we need to get you checked out by a doctor tomorrow, just to make sure you're all right.'
'I'm fine. Don't fuss,' Ted replied, but his tone was gentle. 'A hot shower, a bit of food and hopefully some sleep and I'll be right as rain by tomorrow. I'm sorry I scared you.'
Trev knew there was no point in arguing at the moment. But he had no intention of leaving it at that. He was determined to make Ted see a doctor, by any means at his disposal. Tonight's performance had scared him, more than he liked to admit, and he didn't want to see it repeated.
Chapter Twenty-three
Ted snapped awake at his usual time. He must have been asleep, although he wasn't sure for how long. It didn't seem long enough. He seldom had need of an alarm call. His internal clock was finely tuned to his normal routine.
Faint street light filtered into the bedroom through the curtains and in it, Ted could see that Trev was also awake. His head was propped up on his hand and he was watching Ted closely, his expression still anxious. Trev leaned closer and kissed his partner gently.
'How are you feeling?'
'Did I wake you? Sorry.'
'You've been tossing and turning half the night. You must be exhausted. You need to see a doctor, and you need to sort out some more sessions with Carol, as soon as possible. Phone her now.'
'I can't phone her at this time in the morning,' Ted protested.
Trev leaned across him and picked up Ted's phone from the bedside table. It was still switched off, as Trev had insisted. He turned it back on, noting how many missed calls there were, then handed it to his partner.
'Busted,' he said. 'I know you have her work number stored, which goes to voicemail out of hours. Call her now, ask for an appointment,' he ordered, handing Ted the phone.
When Ted hesitated, Trev said, his tone serious, 'We can't go through this stuff again, Ted. You need help, professional help. I'm here for you, I love you, I'll support you. But this isn't something we can deal with between us. Please phone her.'
Ted kne
w he was right. He and Trev were seldom at odds, but Trev had moved out once before when Ted was in too dark a place for him to handle. He couldn't risk that happening again, so he meekly dialled the number and left a message for his therapist, asking for an urgent appointment for more counselling.
'I hope you're not even thinking of going into work today? You really scared me yesterday. I think you scared Maurice, too. You definitely need to see a doctor, as well as Carol.'
'I think if I just rest a bit, I'll be fine,' Ted said evasively. 'I'm sorry I scared you. I honestly wasn't going to do anything stupid.'
Trev sat up a little straighter and looking at him directly. 'Doctor, Ted. Promise me.'
Ted made a face. 'You know our GP was as much use as a chocolate teapot when you had that scare over your heart. I'll get five minutes' attention and a bottle of pills.'
'I can't take today off, or I would take you myself. I've just landed us that big new courier fleet service contract, and I need to be there to do the work. So I need to trust you to do as I ask.'
'I'll phone and see if I can get an appointment,' Ted promised him. The reason their partnership was so solid was that Ted would do anything to make Trev happy. He always backed down when necessary. It wasn't weakness on his part. It was a measure of how much he cared, and wanted the relationship to work.
Trev kissed him again. 'I'll go and make you some tea. Try and get some rest. Do you want anything to eat?'
'No food yet, thanks. I'll get up and make myself something later on. But a cuppa in bed would be nice,' then, as Trev slid out from under the duvet he added, 'I am all right, you know. I promise.'
'If you say so,' Trev said doubtfully. 'And don't go looking at your phone for missed calls. They can wait for a day. Maurice is going to tell the team you're off with a bug and I'll phone the Ice Queen later, tell her the same thing.'
Ted knew he couldn't go the whole day without checking his messages, and suspected he wouldn't make it to mid-morning before he called Mike Hallam for an update. For now, it felt wonderfully sinful to be cosy and warm in bed, sipping his tea, listening to Trev in the shower, getting ready to go to work. At least he wasn't singing, Ted smiled to himself. For all his many talents, Trev couldn't hold a tune to save his life. Not that it stopped his enthusiastic attempts, particularly when he was slaughtering the Queen hits that only Freddie Mercury could really pull off.
Ted was surprised to hear the doorbell, just before Trev left for work. It was rare for them to have callers at that time of day. He could hear muffled voices downstairs when Trev opened the door, so he got out of bed, pulled on a sweat shirt and pants over his nakedness, slid his feet into slippers and went downstairs. He was surprised to see his mother in the hallway, talking to Trev. He shot an enquiring look at his partner.
'I wasn't sure if I could trust you,' Trev confessed. 'So Annie's here to babysit, and to make sure you make that doctor's appointment.'
For the briefest moment, Ted felt a flash of irritation. He hated fuss of any kind. But he had lost all contact with his mother for a large part of his life. Maybe it would help him now to spend a bit more time with her.
'Don't you have to be at work?' he asked her.
'Not until this afternoon. When Trev phoned me and said you weren't quite yourself, I wanted to come and look after you. Trev says you haven't had any breakfast yet. Shall I make you something? What about some eggy bread? It was always your favourite.'
Ted smiled nostalgically. 'Dad always used to make that for me, when I was little.'
'I taught him how,' she said, a touch of sadness in her voice. 'Go and sit down and I'll bring you some.'
Trev looked pleased with himself as he kissed them both fondly. 'My work here is done,' he said as he pulled on his leathers and headed for the garage.
True to his word, Ted tried to phone his GP's surgery to get an appointment, after he'd enjoyed his breakfast and the novelty of having his mother to look after him. The number rang constantly engaged and when he finally did get through, it was to discover that there was no appointment available to him until the following evening. He booked it, because he had promised Trev he would, but he very much hoped he would be back at work and feeling much more like himself by then.
He was itching to get his phone out and check in with Mike, but his mother kept him occupied, and topped up with tea, so he didn't have a free moment to do so. She didn't press him at all to talk about what was wrong with him. She just accepted his explanation that work had been getting on top of him and he just needed to rest and recharge his batteries.
She made him an early lunch, as she had to leave for work. As she was getting ready to go, Ted was surprised to hear a car pull up in the driveway. His mother answered the door and showed Professor Bizzie Nelson into the sitting room, where Ted was comfortably installed on the sofa with his feet up.
He got to his feet when Bizzie came in but she waved at him to sit down again. He noticed she had a medical bag with her, though not the big one which went with her to the crime scenes they worked on together.
'I have to go to work now, Teddy, but Bizzie kindly said she'd look in on you,' his mother told him as she gave him a kiss. Ted had only recently felt comfortable about any intimacy with the woman he thought had abandoned him as a child. He had to admit to himself that it had felt good, having his mum to look after him when he was feeling down. A bit of nostalgia provided just the healing effect he needed.
Bizzie perched on the sofa next to him and regarded him thoughtfully, as if he was one of the corpses on her autopsy table.
'Trevor told me a little bit about yesterday, Edwin,' she began. 'I imagine you haven't done anything about a doctor's appointment yet?'
Ted started to explain about the long wait for an answer, and the appointment for the following evening, but she cut across him. 'Will you allow me to check your blood pressure and your heart rate?'
Seeing his surprised look, she said, 'I may spend all my time with the dead these days, but I would just remind you that I do have a medical degree and I did a rotation in a hospital casualty department in my younger days.'
Meekly, Ted pushed up his sleeve and held out his arm for her to slip the cuff on, then pulled up his sweatshirt so she could listen to his chest.
'Have you been out running this morning?' she asked him when she had finished. Ted shook his head in surprise. 'In which case your heart rate is ridiculous and your blood pressure is in danger of damaging my equipment.
'What I propose to do now is to take you to the hospital's A&E department to get you some pills to stabilise things. It's not strictly correct procedure, but if I can't pull a few strings and jump a few queues where I work, it's a poor lookout.'
'It can't be that bad,' Ted protested. 'I'm fine, really. I was just feeling a bit down and I got a bit too wet and cold out on Kinder yesterday.'
The Professor gave him another long look. 'We haven't known one another long, Edwin. But in that time, how many times have I told you how to do your job?'
Ted looked taken aback. 'Well, never …'
'Precisely. So please don't tell me how to do mine,' she told him brusquely. 'You are not seriously ill, yet. But you do need something to bring things back to normal levels. I would advise that we do something today, rather than waiting until late tomorrow. Once we get you started on some medication, you should be perfectly able to resume your duties. I would also strongly advise you to get some emotional help.
'You're clearly under enormous strain at work. I understand how this current case is stressful for you, and for your team. If it was anyone else other than you, I would tell them to relax with a good bottle of wine, or maybe even enjoy a spliff or two. But knowing you, and especially how much you take things to heart, I think you may just have to admit defeat and get some pills from your doctor.'
'I have rung for an appointment,' Ted assured her. 'I'm all right, though, I just made a bit of a fool of myself yesterday. It was nothing. I was just being maudlin.'
'I'd led a relatively sheltered life when I went up to university. I was bright, talented, top marks in everything, always. One of my tutors took a particular interest in me. Encouraged me, spent time helping me with my work. With the benefit of hindsight, it was inevitable that things developed the way they did.
'He swore undying love. Told me he and his wife were no longer intimate. He said he would wait until I graduated before leaving her, as it wouldn't look right before then, him having a relationship with a student.
'Then one day I happened to see them together, quite by chance, somewhere he would not have expected to bump into me. Him and his wife. The one he said he no longer felt anything for. I saw the affectionate gestures. The protective way he helped her out of the car. I didn't need my medical training to notice that she was pregnant.
'I reacted not dissimilarly to you. I must have visited every bridge in the region, wondering whether it would be cowardice or courage to throw myself off one. I spent hours humming the duet from The Pearl Fishers, as it was his favourite. I've had a particular aversion to Bizet ever since. I felt all sorts of emotions – guilt, fear, utter helplessness.'
She saw the recognition in Ted's eyes and said, 'I see those feelings are not unfamiliar to you. I pulled back from the abyss and threw myself into my studies, graduating with some of the highest marks ever. You have a partner who adores you and a mother who loves you. Don't let them down, Edwin. Allow yourself to be healed.'
'Did your feelings include a strange desire to cry at inappropriate moments?' Ted asked her, his voice husky.