by TJ Nichols
He would enjoy being at the rookery. Maybe it was time to hang up his sword. This wasn’t Tariko, and there were cops instead of knights. But then his heart started hurting afresh.
These were his dragons. He’d known them most of his adult life. They’d worked together. And while they’d turn and eat him in a heartbeat if he threatened them, they were still the closest thing to family he had. He should shake off this body for a while and be dragon again, like he had in those first few years.
If he left San Francisco, he’d never see these dragons or their hatchlings.
He wanted to blame Jordan for this mess, but it was his fault for tripping and falling so hard, for wanting more than one night. He should’ve known better.
There was no such thing as a smart dragon, and that had never been truer than tonight. Give them something to treasure and they’d give up everything without thinking it through. The Strega had offered him shiny promises that he’d wanted to believe in. He wanted to hate her too, but she was only reading possible futures.
“How is your wound?” Edra asked in dragon.
“Itchy.” He’d been guarding the eggs obsessively. Both male and female had moved past the theft and the fight that had left the male injured.
“Why did you leave the nest?”
The dragon shifted, and for a heartbeat, Edra thought he was going to be flattened.
“Crunchy head treasure,” the female said. “Trickery.”
“Crunchy head? Treasure?” What could possibly lure the male from his nest? The female hunted and did everything for him.
“Hungry.”
The female shuffled her weight. “I hunt slow. Saw a shiny fallen moon.”
“And small dragon brought food. I went to eat, and he watched eggs.”
Edra could guess the rest. “Then he was attacked, and the eggs were gone?”
“But he found them and brought them back.” She nudged him, pushing him deeper into the nest. “Your wound?”
“My mate… he….” They’d never been mates. He just told the dragons that because it was easier.
She licked the face of her mate. “Lick better.”
Her tongue scraped up the side of Edra’s face, just in case he hadn’t understood her intent. He gave her a sad smile. He didn’t want to leave his dragons or his city, but he didn’t know how he could stay so close to Jordan, to see him every day. He needed time and space for the bond to fade. “That’s not going to help.”
She drew back and looked him in the eye. “I eat?”
“No.” He didn’t wish Jordan ill. “I’ll lick better.” He didn’t know how. Maybe if there’d been more licking, Jordan wouldn’t have chosen Bliss.
Chapter 21
JORDAN LAY on the sofa, his cheek warm from Edra’s kiss. His body was riding the cresting Bliss even though he wanted to escape. He wanted to call to Edra, but the door shut with a soft click. His body shuddered as he came, but the pleasure didn’t erase the need and hunger in his body or the ache that was spreading. He curled up, knowing that he’d ruined everything, but at the same time, he’d been unable to do the right thing. All he’d had to do was throw the Bliss in the garbage and drink the damn tea.
Even now he didn’t think he could.
He hated coming down. It wasn’t as bad as slinking bog cats out of a bedroom, so there was no awkward morning after, but there was no afterglow, no arms around him, no promise of more.
There never would be more.
Sinner jumped onto him and licked his face, her tongue hot and rough. Was she going to eat his face like Edra’s bog-cats? He wouldn’t resist. She mewed, and her claws dug into his shoulder as though urging him to get up. But he couldn’t move.
There would be no more Bliss, and no more Edra. He liked Edra. His friends had liked him, mostly. But he couldn’t be what Edra wanted or needed.
He closed his eyes. Sinner sat, perched on his shoulder. He didn’t know how long he lay there, only that his skin was cold, he smelled like sweat and come and misery, and he should get up and shower because he needed to do something. He was an addict who’d torn up his life. He’d seen it happen enough times, but he’d thought he was different—just like every addict did. He was nothing special, except for when Edra was looking at him. Then he became the center of the universe.
Edra was special, a silvery dragon who mated for life.
Who had wanted him.
Another wave of despair washed through Jordan, but there was nothing to grab. He couldn’t undo the last few hours, and even if he could, he wouldn’t be able to make a different choice.
Like an old man, he peeled himself off the sofa. He showered and let the water run until it started to cool. Then he dried off. His empty bed was the last place he wanted to go. The sheet would still smell like Edra, sweeter than human.
Breaking up shouldn’t hurt this bad.
The apartment crushed him, making it hard to breathe. Everywhere he looked there was a memory. He couldn’t stay here without unraveling completely.
He tugged on jeans and a T-shirt and a pair of sneakers, not caring that it was past midnight. How had he fucked up so badly?
Why hadn’t he grabbed Edra with his shaking hand? But he knew why. Fear had its teeth in his neck and hadn’t let go. Better to be alone than to risk getting hurt. He drove past the den, the craving still in his blood, but Edra had probably already blacklisted him, and he couldn’t go in without risking his job. That he hadn’t been caught had more to do with luck and Edra than anything else. He had to stop using Bliss, no matter how sick he got.
He drove to Creature Hollow, but Edra’s apartment was dark, and he knew Edra wasn’t there, could feel the emptiness, so he didn’t stop. At least he was doing something, instead of sitting at home. He was tempted to go to the docks and watch for mermaids, but as much as he hated himself, he didn’t want to die. That would give far too many people too much pleasure.
Why did he always fuck up his personal life?
What the hell was wrong with him?
It was only as he stopped at a set of lights that he realized he was driving toward the Presidio and the satyr temple. The lights went green and there was no one behind him, but he didn’t go. The lights went orange, and he still sat there.
Did he want to go to the temple?
The last time he’d been there, he’d been coming back from a night out, made up and a little tipsy, to join the wake for Darian. He’d been welcomed into the mytho community when they should’ve shunned him, both for the way he looked and what he was. When the lights changed to green, he drove on, knowing where he was going.
He parked and walked across the grass. There was a barricade and guards keeping people away from the dragons, but he wasn’t going in that direction, so they ignored him. The dragons’ nest was close to the temple, and he could see their bulk in the starlight.
The temple was deserted tonight, but the fire in the center was burning. If the dragons woke and took offense to his presence, the plastic barricade wouldn’t offer any protection. He toed off his shoes and went up the steps. When he was the only one there, it didn’t seem right to be wearing shoes. He didn’t know if there was any protocol. There was no altar to pause at, no cross to stand before. He didn’t even know what gods he should offer a prayer to or if they’d even listen.
He walked around the fire, its suggestive shape obvious when he got close—the curve of the opening and the curl of the edge. He sat next to it, so the cool breeze hit his back. Around him the five pillars danced in the firelight. This was probably the most appropriate place for him to be. He was a dick surrounded by giant dicks. He reached out toward the flame to feel the heat on his skin, and stared into its blue center.
If he’d been hoping for answers, he wasn’t finding any, but the clawing inside of him had stopped and it didn’t hurt to breathe. For the moment, that was enough. He rested his elbows on his knees, content to let his eyeballs dry out while his mind circled the drain. There was no way he coul
d fish his life out and put it back together.
The dragons clicked to each other and huffed as they moved about. Jordan hung his head and closed his eyes. The gods had returned to Earth in the collapse, but even if they did answer prayers, he still needed to know what he wanted.
He wanted Edra, but without the pressure.
Bliss without the comedown.
For something in his life to work.
But he was the reason nothing worked.
He bowed his head and stared at the floor, cupping the back of his head and praying that someone was listening and would help him. He stared at the stones that had come from another world. He was sitting inside a structure that he should never have known about. If the collapse hadn’t happened, he’d never have known about dragons and never have met Edra. He’d never have tasted Bliss.
In that moment he knew it would’ve been something else—alcohol to kill the nerves and let him sleep, or something harder when that no longer worked. He knew the stats about burnout and PTSD among cops. He really was nothing special. His father was right—he was a waste of space not worth the cost of the bullet.
The hairs along his arms rose, and something in his chest seemed to lift. He looked up to see who else was in the temple with him.
“Why are you here?” Edra leaned against one of the phallic pillars.
“I needed to get out. I drove around, and I don’t know….” He shouldn’t have come. “I can go.” He couldn’t face Edra right then. It all hurt too much and it was his fault. There was always a reason why they couldn’t love him—lingerie, his job. His drug use was a new one.
Edra’s eyebrows lowered. “I don’t own the temple.”
“Why are you here?”
“I’ve been talking to the dragons.” He said it as though that were a perfectly normal thing to do. The silence drifted between them, laced with sea salt. Edra slid to the floor, the weight of the evening seeming to drag him down.
Where was his anger? The light was gone from his eyes and he appeared defeated. Jordan looked away. The flames were easier to watch.
“I’m thinking of leaving. It’ll be better that way.”
“LA?”
“Maybe. I owe the Strega. Then to Canada. There’s a lesser dragon rookery, and there’s not that many of us.”
“You’re going to have some babies?”
“I would’ve anyway, done my bit for my kind, but now… I need to go.” His words kept catching, as though there were a spur in his throat.
“And this? The bond?” Is that what had made him drive down here? Was he affected after all?
“Will fade eventually.”
“And then you’ll find another.” A lesser dragon who would be happy raising baby dragons. Did Edra hatch as a dragon or a person? He didn’t even know.
Edra didn’t answer.
“You’ve mated before. I’m not the first and I won’t be the last.” He was a blip, nothing more. But his ribs were brittle, as though his chest wanted to cave in. Knowing it was over hurt worse than any unsatisfied craving.
“We mate for life. That I even got a second chance was unexpected.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do. I know when there could be more. I’ve broken an incomplete bond before because I realized it wasn’t going to work out. I had Lyo.” His voice cracked. “I lost my lover and my world. I can’t do that again.”
Jordan squeezed his eyes shut. The flames were hot on his face. “How can you mate for life with me? How could you want that?”
“How could I not when the pull is there? Do you know how hard it is to sit here instead of moving to your side?”
Yes, I do. “You just trust that pull?”
“Yes. Though it won’t happen again.”
“Why not?”
“The Strega told me this was my last chance.”
Jordan sniffed. “Christ, you don’t make this any easier. Do you know how terrifying all this is? Mating for life when we’ve barely dated, and now….” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Now some witch said I’m your last chance?”
“Careful.” There was a sharp edge to Edra’s voice. “The Strega are never wrong. She told me I had two paths to happiness—you or the rookery. I don’t want to know the other paths.”
“I’m sorry.” For everything. “But that just makes it worse. The pressure that I’ll fuck it all up. I have fucked it all up.”
“I never meant for you to feel pressured. I thought you wanted to wait to see what would happen.”
“I did… do. I don’t fucking know. I want you, but I’m so fucking scared of what that means. Bliss was the easy choice.”
“I know. You’re young. Drink your tea, get laid—with a person—and the craving for that will fade too. In a couple of months you’ll be all right.”
“I don’t want anyone else.” He rubbed his chest as though he could stop the ache. “I’m not unaffected by this thing between us. It drew me here.” That had to be some kind of magic.
A ghost of a smile flicked over Edra’s face, or maybe it was the way the flames danced. “Then we both get to feel the pain of being apart until it fades.”
“Your people need you.” I need you.
Edra shook his head. “This isn’t Tariko. Cities don’t need knights. They have cops. I lost my sword, but I kept trying to hold on to what I knew. The world has changed. I need to change.”
Jordan winced. He wanted to ask Edra to stay, but the words dried on his tongue. “I’m sorry I stole your last chance.”
They were barely a whisper, but Edra looked up. “You didn’t steal it. It was one of many fates. For all the pain now, I liked exploring it. It made me remember. I never meant to hurt or push you.”
“You didn’t. I just got scared. I’m human. My longest relationship was two years. You’re talking marriage after two dates. I don’t have your faith that it will work out.”
Edra tilted his head. “It’s not faith. I know.”
“How can you know it will last?”
“Because of the bond. Because the Strega said I’d be happy. But it doesn’t make you happy.”
Jordan stared at the floor. “It did.”
A part of him liked the idea that it was meant to be and that it would magically work out and that he’d never have to go on another bad first date again. “But what will everyone else say?”
“The world is changing.” His voice was closer.
Jordan opened his eyes and saw Edra’s bare feet. The hems of his jeans were frayed, his skin pale. Jordan glanced up. Edra was offering him a hand. He’d made the wrong choice. He’d known that right away. But the itching in his blood had been too strong. The fear of crossing that final line had weighed him down. He reached up, and Edra hauled him to his feet.
They were close for a moment, and Jordan wanted to loop his arm around Edra’s neck and kiss him… for it to be all okay. Instead they both stood there woodenly.
“I wish I’d started drinking the tea.” Then he wouldn’t have been confused by the Bliss and they’d be in bed. And he’d be mated with a dragon. “If someone had told me ten years ago that a dragon would be breaking my heart, I’d never have believed them.”
“Same.” Edra took Jordan’s hand and brought it to his lips. His mouth was hot as he kissed Jordan’s knuckles. His lips lingered for a moment.
He was going to lose Edra. If he did nothing, this would be it, and Edra was the best guy he’d ever dated and the only one who actually appreciated nice lingerie. He stepped in and kissed him. “I want to unravel the last few hours. I want to make the right choice. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to lose you.”
Edra drew in a breath. “But you don’t want the bond.”
“I want you. I’m scared, but that’s different. I’ve never done this before.”
“I’ve never done this with a human. I don’t know if any lesser dragon here has.” He kept hold of Jordan’s hand as they stood by the fire. “When the bond fades, yo
u’ll be fine. Find a nice human.”
Jordan shook his head. “I’d given up. Why do you think I use Bliss… used Bliss?” He had to stop and drink the tea that smelled like ground-up dead things with a dash of ginger.
“I didn’t realize how badly Bliss affected you. It was never meant to be a substitute. Your body wants the real thing. I shouldn’t have given you any, but I liked the way you looked at me.” Edra cupped his cheek. “When your guard was down, I could see the desire in your eyes. But that was the only time.”
Jordan stepped in and kissed him, needing Edra to know how he felt. Edra’s lips moved and his tongue danced over Jordan’s lip. Then his hand was on Jordan’s chest, putting a whisper of air between them. Their foreheads rested together.
“I can’t keep doing this.” Edra sighed, his breath on Jordan’s lips.
The dragons cooed and clicked. The fire in the satyr temple burned hot and bright. The world had changed, but so much hadn’t. Edra’s people needed him. Jordan needed him, even if he didn’t know what to do with him.
“I chose wrong.” Ultimatums had always pushed Jordan the wrong way. This time he’d been running from the one thing he’d been craving. “I want a partner, a lover, but I don’t know how to be those things for a dragon.” He refused to let go of Edra’s hand.
Edra shook his head. “I don’t want to do this for another two months only to wind up back here. It will hurt so much more. This is it. A kindness for both of us.”
Jordan stepped back and stripped off his T-shirt. “Then I re-choose. I’ll stop using Bliss and I’ll be better, different. What do you need?”
Edra frowned. “You don’t need to be better or different. I liked you from the moment I saw you in the den. I liked you more when I saw the way you work. I even like the way this scares you. But sometimes you have to jump and hope you shift before you hit the ground, or you step back and live with the wonder of not knowing.”