Colin Meets an Emu

by Merv Lambert

  “That’s what they think,” muttered Olivia.

  Colin spoke up. “Well, let’s get the ball rolling, or in this case let’s get the parcel rolling.”

  He flung open the front door, went around to the back of the giant package, and putting his hands under it, tilted it up and over on itself. The bookmark glowed in his pocket. There were bumps and moans from inside the parcel. Once again Colin put his hands under the package and heaved, rolling it forward over and over through the doorway. The bumps, moans and groans from inside the enormous box increased. Quickly Jilly and Olivia closed the front door again.

  “Now,” said Colin. “Let’s open it.”

  “It’s upside down,” said Olivia.

  “Good!” said the others.

  Chief Jellysox stepped forward and with a small, sharp knife expertly cut the strings and slashed the package open right down the middle from top to bottom. Groans could be heard more loudly now and perhaps the sound of someone being sick.

  “Come out, all of you!” shouted Colin. “Come out with your hands on your heads.”

  M was standing next to the giant cardboard box. There was a mad gleam in his eye. This was another adventure he was thoroughly enjoying.

  Slowly the first figure emerged, crawling on his hands and knees with his cowboy stetson and Indian feathers jammed over his eyes. Four more followed. Each one tried to put his hands on his head, but they all collapsed groaning on the floor, and the last one was also making a retching noise.

  Once again Chief Jellysox and Squaw Big Gull made short work of trussing up the new prisoners. They found the string from the parcel very useful for this.

  “Is that all?” asked Olivia. “I mean is there anyone left in the box?”

  “I think there is,” answered Colin. He raised his voice. “We know you’re in there. Come out now with your hands on your head.”

  “All right, all right!” grumbled a voice from inside the box. “I’m coming out slowly with my hands on my head.”

  Then a large man wearing a very large black stetson suddenly jumped out, holding a six-gun in his right hand. The gun was aimed directly at Colin.

  “Don’t move!” roared the newcomer. “Nobody messes with Big Buffalo Brian! I’ve come to capture this here Injun library. Yeah, nobody messes with me, and to prove it I’m gonna shoot one of you. How about you, Shorty?”

  The bookmark throbbed. Colin grinned. “You can’t be serious,” he said. “Where are your manners? We haven’t even been introduced!”

  “Don’t try to get smart with me, Shorty!” snarled Buffalo Brian.

  Colin was still grinning. The bookmark was still glowing.

  “I mean it. Take that stupid grin off your face!” snapped the cowboy.

  Colin’s grin only grew wider. Olivia was horrified. She was about to throw herself in front of Colin to save him, when she saw M. She hesitated. At that moment Buffalo Brian spoke again.

  “You asked for it, buddy!” His face was flushed with anger, as he pressed the trigger and there was a loud bang. Immediately he screamed in pain. He was now hopping on one leg. The toe of his right boot had been torn off and his foot was bleeding.

  Grimly Colin remarked, “I’ve heard of it, but never seen it before. You have literally shot yourself in the foot!”

  Only Colin, Olivia and the children had seen what really happened. At the crucial moment M’s beak had gripped the wrist of Buffalo Brian’s gun hand and forced it downwards.

  Meanwhile Squaw Big Gull was quite concerned for the no longer boastful enemy. Her nursing instincts came into play again, and she was doing her best to stem the flow of blood, having removed Buffalo Brian’s boot and one extremely smelly sock.

  Suddenly Olivia touched Colin’s arm. “Who’s that?” she asked. She was the first to notice a tall woman standing at the entrance.

  The woman advanced towards them. “Just what the blankety blank is going on?” she asked in a rather harsh, rasping voice. Without waiting for an answer, she strode up to Buffalo Brian and stood over him. With hands on her hips and shaking her head sorrowfully, she continued, “Buffalo Brian, what have you been up to this time? Bullying the Injuns again? Will you never learn?” Then turning to Olivia, Colin and the others, she said, “I do apologise for my husband. He gets a little drunk and then does really silly, really stupid things. By the way, I’m Buffalo Bryony. I run the Wild West Show.”

  “Pleased to meet you, ma’am,” said Colin and he introduced all the others to her.

  Within ten minutes all the prisoners had been released. They received a severe tongue-lashing from Buffalo Bryony, who assured Chief Jellysox that these cowboys and her husband would cause the Redskins and the library no more trouble. She shook hands with Chief Jellysox, Colin and Olivia and hurried her troup of very downcast cowboys into their wagons. Some of them had even said sorry, but Buffalo Brian remained silent and miserable because of his wounded foot. Soon they were gone.

  “Hey,” said Jilly. “What a great adventure!”

  “Really cool,” agreed Billy, patting Sammy.

  The bookmark throbbed in Colin’s pocket. “It’s time we went home,” he said.

  “Oh, by the way, Colin, before I forget to tell you,” remarked Olivia, “I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve invited Abigail to our wedding.”

  Colin was puzzled. “Who’s Abigail?”

  “Squaw Big Gull of course. She’s really rather nice. I like her”.

  “O.K.” replied Colin. “If you say so, but I hope she doesn’t indulge in too much of the fire-water!”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve seen Mrs. Biggle in action before. I just hope she doesn’t get too drunk!”

  Olivia shoved him playfully on the shoulder. Then all of a sudden they were back with Sammy at Colin’s house, and, yes, Colin was clutching another souvenir – a black stetson with two feathers stuck in the brim. He wondered though how well the wedding would go, although first he had to introduce Olivia to some other friends of his. But that’s another story.

  The Return to Sherwood

  Colin had just placed his special bookmark, which was now glowing a deep red, between pages 380 and 381 of his own special book. M was not with him today. The emu had gone back home to Colin’s cousins Billy and Jilly, and was already involved with them in some other adventures. Colin glanced at his two companions. Olivia was clutching his right hand and was holding his little dog Sammy firmly under her other arm. In his left hand Colin was holding a rather large, rather long bag. He looped the handles of the bag over his forearm and, gripping the bookmark safely in his fingers, after checking that it was in the right place, he said, “Let’s go.”

  Moments later - at least it seemed only a few moments - they found themselves in a wooded glade with sunlight streaming through the leaves of the tall trees all around them. It looked to be a glorious summer’s day.

  “Where are we?” asked Olivia. Sammy woofed happily, as he already knew.

  Colin was grinning mischievously at her. “I told you this was going to be a surprise. I hope, in fact I’m sure, you will like it.”

  Olivia grinned back at him. “Oh, all right then. Go on being mysterious, if it pleases you so much.”

  “Come on,” said Colin. “There are some people I want you to meet.”

  Sammy trotted happily in front of them along the woodland path, stopping occasionally to sniff at things and odours that interested him, and looking back at Olivia and Colin strolling arm in arm.

  “Wherever we are, this is just perfect,” Olivia said softly. The next moment, however, a distant sharp cry came from somewhere ahead of them in the trees and they heard squabbling voices raised in anger.

  “How dare you!” one of the voices yelled. “How dare you! I am a respectable merchant. I pay my taxes and I go to church!”

  “Ho, ho!” a moc
king voice replied. “You may go to church, but my master says you owe him money.”

  “What!” The merchant’s voice screamed with rage. “Who is he? He is a liar!”

  “A liar?” The owner of the mocking voice pretended to sound surprised. “A liar?” it repeated. “Are you saying that a man of the church is a liar? Come, sirrah, that is a vile and wicked accusation. He will not be pleased to hear of it.”

  The merchant’s voice rang out clearly indicating his disbelief. “A man of the church? I say again, you scoundrels, who is he?”

  Meanwhile their natural curiosity had drawn Colin and Olivia towards the quarrel, but instinctively they knew to remain hidden in the trees. Sammy too remained quiet.

  Another voice, harsher and more guttural, broke into the argument. Go on. Tell ‘im, Grulph. ‘E won’t be so defiant then. Har, har!”

  “Well?” challenged the merchant.

  “Ever heard of Abbot Abbott? His man at St. Weynolf’s Church reckons that last Sunday you only gave two groats to the church.” The man called Grulph paused dramatically, as if to let the information sink in. Then he went on, “Of course Abbot Abbott likes it not, when people are mean to the church, because then they are mean to him. He says he is not a wealthy man, yet he has to pay for his clothes, which have to be fine in keeping with his position in the church, he has to pay for his food, which has to be enough to keep him fit and healthful for all his duties and hard work for the church, he needs to pay for all the wine he needs to entertain the important people he meets in his work for the church, and don’t forget he has to pay all his men, like the two of us here. So I say again, you owe us, er…I mean, him quite a few bags of gold. Isn’t that so, Urquart?”

  “Aye, that’s about right, Grulph.”

  “Oh, no, no, no, no, no!” roared the merchant. “You are lying! The abbot is lying, or his spy in St. Weynolf’s is lying. I owe you and him nothing! Nothing! Do you hear? Nothing!”

  At that point Colin and Olivia had crept near enough through the trees to see the three men. The merchant was the only one wearing a hat. He also had a fine black cloak around his shoulders. He was faced by one very tall, very thin man and one, who was short and stocky. Both were wearing monks’ brown robes tied with a cord round the middle. The tall one was obviously Grulph, and he was doing most of the talking.

  “Enough of this idle talk!” he snapped. “Thou rich varlet, my patience is at an end. Hand over that moneybag. The abbot expects…”

  “Far too much,” said Colin, stepping out from between the trees.

  “Egad! What knave is this?” Grulph also stepped forward. Urquart merely growled something under his breath. It sounded like a curse. Then he spoke up. “Tis but a pipsqueak from the band that infests this place. See. He is dressed in green.”

  “Verily,” responded Grulph. “Begone, sirrah, forthwith.”

  Colin answered him coolly. “I think not, for I am from another place and another time. Leave this man be. He has clearly done nothing wrong.”

  Grulph advanced menacingly towards Colin, who stood his ground. Sammy gave a little growl. Olivia waited with him. She trusted Colin would know what to do.

  “Begone, I say,” repeated Grulph, “or you will have us and all the abbot’s men to answer to.”

  “Oh, that’s no problem,” laughed Colin, grabbing the boastful Grulph by the wrists, “no problem at all” and he spun round five times in ever faster circles so that the skinny monk was parallel to the ground. Then, timing it perfectly, just like a hammer-thrower in an athletics event, he released him so that he flew through the air with great force and crashed unerringly into the open-mouthed Urquart. Both monks rolled over and over in a heap on the ground, where they lay groaning.

  Olivia came out from behind the trees. She clapped her hands in delight. Sammy barked joyfully, as if he were applauding too.

  Colin glared at the two breathless monks. “No, it is you, who must away,” he declared. “Tell your master the abbot that he will no longer demand money for himself from other people. Tell him that I, Colin, have said so. I say again, away with you! Begone!”

  With fearful glances behind them Grulph and Urquart scurried away into the woods. Now the merchant, who had remained silent, felt confident enough to speak up. He swept off his hat and bowed. “Thank you, thank you, Sir Colin,” he said. He had assumed that his rescuer was a man of some importance and power.

  “No, no,” laughed Colin. “I am not a knight. I am an ordinary man like yourself.”

  “Prithee, I must disagree. You seem a most extraordinary man.”

  “Yes, he is,” smiled Olivia.

  The merchant beamed at her. “My lady, I am Lucius Silver. I am honoured to make your acquaintance.” He bowed again. “I am a merchant tailor in Nottingham. I am not a rich man. Neither am I poor, but I make a living where I can, and I have just visited an old lady, who lives in a cottage in these woods. She bought some good cloth from me. Now I am off to my house to fetch some cloaks like this one that the Sheriff of Nottingham wishes to purchase. Forgive me, but I must rush away now, for I am already late. You will find me, if you ask at the Boar’s Head Inn. Good day, Sir Colin. Good day, my lady.”

  After another extravagant bow he was off, hurrying through the trees.

  Olivia laughed. “I know where we are, Colin. I’ve known for a while. I guessed, when I saw what we are wearing – your green outfit and my green dress – and also from the way people speak here. Besides the forest is a bit of a give-away.”

  “O.K.” said Colin. “But don’t spoil my surprise for you completely. Come on, Sammy. You know where we are too. Find the way to our friends.” He felt the bookmark glow again extra warmly, as Sammy set off, sniffing his way along another path through the trees. The sunlight still shone through the leaves of the highest branches, making dappled patterns on the ground.

  As they were following Sammy, Olivia said suddenly,”You know, I don’t trust that man Silver.”

  Colin agreed. “No, I don’t either. I know what he is. He’s not a bad man, but he’s not completely honest. He is a fence. He buys and sells stolen things.”

  Olivia’s surprise showed on her face. “How do you know that?”

  “Oh, I’ve never met him before, but I’m sure I’ve met the old lady he mentioned.”

  Suddenly Sammy gave a joyful little bark and dashed into a clearing. Olivia saw a beautiful young woman with long blonde hair crouching down and making a fuss of the little dog.

  “Hello, Marion,” said Colin. “I’d like you to meet Olivia. We are to wed soon.”

  With a gasp of delight Marion stood up and flung her arms around Colin to give him a big hug and then she did the same to Olivia. She called out to a young man dressed in red, who was on the other side of the clearing, “Will, go and fetch Robin. There is someone here he will want to meet.” Then, taking Olivia by both hands, she led her to the middle of the clearing and the next moment Robin Hood appeared, closely followed by Will Scarlet and most of the Merry Men.

  “Big Colin!” cried Robin. “I did not think we would ever meet again.” His eyes lit up, when he saw Olivia. “And who is this delightful fair maiden?” he asked.

  “Robin, this is Olivia,” replied Marion. She is betrothed to Colin.”

  Robin swept off his hat and bowed to Olivia. Then, turning to Colin, he gave him a double handshake and clapped him cheerfully on the back. “Methinks thou art a fellow of extreme good fortune.”

  Colin smiled, and gripping Olivia’s hand, said to her, “And these are some of my oldest and most recent friends.”

  The other outlaws gathered round, eager to be introduced to Olivia.

  “Where is Little John?” asked Robin.

  “Oh he is tracking those two meddlesome monks,” answered Marion.

  “What monks?” asked Olivia. “We met two on our way here. They were tryin
g to get money from a merchant, only they were not begging. They were threatening him, but Colin scared them away.”

  Marion nodded. “Oh, they’re the ones Little John is looking for. You see, we get blamed for what they do. “They are Abbot Abbott’s men.”

  “Aye. Abbot Abbott.” Said Robin. “We call him Bot-Bot. He is fat and greedy and claims to collect money for his church, but methinks he spends it all on himself. He can be a charming rogue and very funny. He has at least twenty men at his abbey, but we are not sure they are all monks. They dress like monks, but behave like soldiers and thieves. Anyway, my friends, come, let us sit down. Will, would you fetch some drinks for our guests? And for Sammy of course.” The little dog sitting in Marion’s arms was licking Robin’s face.

  What has brought you back here, Colin?” asked Marion.

  “Oh, several reasons. First I wanted to see you all again and for you to meet Olivia. Secondly I have brought you a gift.” He stooped down and unzipped the long bag he had carried with him, but it had not occurred to him that the outlaws would be fascinated by the zip. Quite soon all of them had had a turn at unzipping and zipping up the bag. At last Colin was able to remove the contents.

  “I hope you will like this. I thought perhaps Olivia and I could teach you how to play cricket.”

  “Cricket? You spoke of that before,” said Robin.

  Soon Olivia and Colin were organising the Merry Men’s first game. To everyone’s surprise the best player was Marion, who had a very good eye, could bat, bowl and catch with great agility. Much the miller’s son could hit the ball very hard and Friar Tuck made a very good wicket-keeper, as he was so wide that not much could get past him. They all liked this new game and it was still going on, when Little John arrived back, escorting a rather large, round, blindfolded captive. Little John was delighted to see his newest, youngest friend Big Colin and clasping Olivia’s hands in his large fingers, bent forward his bearded face to give her a kiss on the cheek. Nor did he need any persuading to join in the game of cricket, and he was able to hit the ball much further than Much.