Never Let You Go (Never #2)

by Monica Murphy

  He probably picked her up behind the bar he liked to frequent. She looked like a damn Dumpster diver, probably some meth whore who was looking to score, and he promised her some drugs in exchange for a blow job.

  Dad always knew how to pick them.

  “Hey, Aaron. What’s going on in here? Why you yelling?” She rested her hands on her hips, trying to look intimidating, but she couldn’t fool me. I saw the way she shook. She was probably coming down off something.

  “No-good boy,” he muttered, waving a hand at me. “He’s useless. Needs someone to keep him in line.”

  I barely looked at him. Didn’t let his words hurt me anymore. My skin was tough, thick. My heart was like a steel trap, not allowing a damn thing inside of it. Ever.

  I was only thirteen. Took me a few years, but I finally learned how to let his insults roll right off me.

  “Oh. I thought you were getting in a fight or something.” She wandered over to the refrigerator and popped open the door, peering inside. “Got any beer?”

  Dad walked right up behind her and slapped her on the ass. Hard. She squealed. “No beer for you, bitch. You gotta earn it first.”

  Unease crept down my spine, but otherwise I continued to ignore them both, running the water to the hottest temperature I could stand before I started rinsing off the crusted-over dishes. I knew what my dad was talking about when it came to earning it. The women he brought home were so stupid. They seemed to fall for his lines every single time. It was unbelievable, how much power the asshole could hold over a woman.

  Were women that stupid? Not all women could be. Were they? My mother got the hell out so that was smart, but she left me behind, which rendered her stupid in my book.

  So fuck that. They were all worthless. Just like my dad said.

  “Earn it how, hmm?” the woman asked, her voice low and flirty-like. I’m guessing she thought Dad liked it when she talked that way. Me? I sort of wanted to puke.

  “You know how, darlin’. Now let’s go to my room and you can show me all the ways you appreciate me.” His head snapped up, his gaze latching onto mine. I tried to look away, but it was like I couldn’t. I was paralyzed with fear. “You should come, too, Willy.”

  I went still, the hot water flowing over my hands, making them burn. I hardly felt it. “No.” Please God, no. “I have to finish washing the dishes.”

  “They can wait.” He waved a hand and glanced down at the woman, who was watching me with a mixture of fear and excitement in her eyes. I’d never seen this woman before in my life. I hoped after this was done, I’d never see her again. “Come on, Willy. We like it when you watch.”

  I shut off the water and followed after him, my head hanging down. I thought of Uncle Jesse and Danny Tanner and DJ, Stephanie and Michelle on Full House. They wouldn’t do this sort of shit. No one would ever make them do something so awful. But I guessed all that stuff really was just fantasies.

  Dreams.

  I sit straight up in bed, the sheet falling away from me, my chest and head pounding, my throat raw. I feel gentle hands stroking my arm, hear a soft voice calling my name, and I shake my head to clear all the ugly, dark thoughts out of it. But they linger, sinking their claws into my brain, refusing to budge.

  Fuck, that had been a bad one.

  I glance to my left to find Katie sitting up next to me, the sheet tucked tightly around her upper body, her fingers still stroking my arm.

  “You were having a bad dream,” she murmurs, her expression full of worry. “You were—you were talking in your sleep.”

  I fall back onto the bed, my head sinking into the pillow. My arm slips out of her grip and I immediately miss her touch. My heart gallops like the fastest horse about to overtake the race and I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I’m shaky. Spooked. What I just experienced, that didn’t feel like a dream.

  More like a memory.

  “Did you hear what I said? Could you make it out?” I ask after a few moments, surprised I sound so calm. I don’t feel so calm on the inside. My heart is still thundering, my thoughts in a complete tangle.

  “All I heard you say was ‘don’t make me watch.’ ” She hesitates and then rests her head on my shoulder, her hair brushing against my face. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”

  “You don’t want to know,” I agree. I’m not about to ruin what we shared tonight with a not-so-pleasant memory from my messed-up past with my dad. Screw that business.

  “Have you ever considered . . . going to therapy?” she asks, her voice tentative.

  “I already have.” I close my eyes, enjoying the way she touches me, her fingers skimming across my chest. “Pretty much all through high school. Typical guidance-counselor-type shit. It was awful.”

  She’s quiet for a moment and I wonder what she’s thinking. That my earlier guidance counselors weren’t able to work out my problems, so maybe I’m a permanent fucked-up mess? That wouldn’t be too far off the mark.

  “I’m talking about seeing a true professional.” Katie pauses, letting her words sink in. “Have you ever tried that?”

  “Nah.” I keep my eyes closed, though I feel her lift her head so she can look at me. “I’ve never wanted to. I’m fine.”

  “You’re not fine,” she whispers. I crack open my eyes to find she’s gazing at me, her expression full of pain and worry. For me. “I don’t think you’ve worked through what your father did to you. The scab’s still there, and it seems pretty easy for it to get picked off so you’re left raw and open.”

  I grimace. “That’s a disgusting way to describe it.” When she doesn’t say anything, just continues to watch me, I give in. “You’re right. It doesn’t take much for me to feel like shit over my past.”

  “Is that what you were dreaming of?” she asks tentatively.

  “Yeah. But it was bad. I don’t want to tell you what happened.” I keep it bottled up inside. It’s easier that way. Why share in the suffering? “You don’t need to hear all that.”

  “I want to.” She moves up so she can place a gentle kiss on my lips, and I immediately cup the back of her head, holding her in place. “I want to help you. Your pain is my pain,” she murmurs against my lips.

  “I don’t want to hurt you, too.” I thread my fingers through her hair and give it a little tug.

  “That’s what being in a relationship is. The two of us together helping each other out.”

  I stare into her eyes, get lost in them. Her breasts are pressed against my chest, her arms coming up to slide around my neck. I grab hold of her waist and pull her on top of me, her legs falling around either side of my hips so that she’s straddling me. My cock comes to life, eager to get back inside her, and I run my hands up and down her back slowly, making her shiver. “You really want to know?”

  She nods, her gaze never leaving mine.

  “He liked to do drugs. Watching him do that shit all the time really turned me off and I was never tempted to do any of it. But he wasn’t what I would call an addict. All the women he brought home? They were the addicts. He liked to make them promises and reward them with drugs,” I explain, my voice low. Soft. Barely audible.

  “What sort of promises?”

  “He’d trade sex for meth. He had a friend, I think, who was always cooking the shit up. He’d offer them a little hit, hook them, and then bring them home and make them do—things—before he gave them what they really wanted.” This is where it gets difficult. Where I don’t want to admit the next part but I have to. No more lies. Only pure honesty between us from here on out. “He used to make me watch.”

  Katie frowns. “Watch what?”

  “Him having sex with those women.” I close my eyes briefly and take a deep breath. Admitting this sucks. I’ve never told anyone what he used to make me do. This is my secret. My shame. “That’s what I was dreaming about. Or remembering. I don’t know. My life was a fucking nightmare most of the time when I was growing up.”

  “Oh, Will.” She moves so her fa
ce is in mine, those pretty blue eyes watching me carefully. “How old were you when this first started?”

  I flinch at her calling me Will. Still not used to it. Not sure I like it at this particular moment. “I don’t know. Ten? Eleven?” I close my eyes again, fighting against the tidal wave of emotions that threatens to suck me under. It hurts to look at her. What if I see disgust in her eyes? “I’ve never told anyone this before.”

  “It’s okay. I understand. You know I do.” Her hands are soothing as she touches me, her lips on my face as she kisses me a balm to my chaotic soul. “You don’t have to say anything else if you’re not comfortable.”

  “You’re the only person I feel comfortable enough with to admit it. You’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be . . .” I swallow hard and open my eyes. “Poisoned by him. By my father.”

  “He didn’t poison you. He didn’t.” She shakes her head, her voice firm. “You’re kind and sweet and fair. You respect me. You make mistakes but your intentions are never evil. You’re not a monster like him. I know you’re not. You have a good heart.” She rests her hand on my chest, her fingers curling against my skin. “I know you do. Thank you for being honest with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  I want to be open with her. Real. This is my life, the good and the bad. It’s been mostly bad, but with her in it, with Katie by my side, it can be good now. My father can’t touch me. He can’t touch her, either. No one can touch us as long as we’re in each other’s lives.

  “I don’t want to upset you by saying all this,” I murmur.

  “You’re not upsetting me. Sharing with each other can only bring us closer together.” She kisses my neck and I close my eyes against the swarm of emotions threatening to take over. I love this girl. I love everything about her. And if I were to lose her, I don’t know what I’d do.

  “I can’t stand the thought of you not in my life,” I whisper just before she cuts me off, her greedy lips on mine. She kisses me, soft and sweet but there’s an urgency behind it, in the way she sucks my lower lip between hers, her tongue darting out for a lick. She’s restless.

  Hot.

  Wet.

  I can feel her press against me and my cock responds. I slide my hands down until I’m cupping her butt and I pull her in close, as close as I can get her. She gasps against my lips and kisses me again, deep and hot, until she breaks away first.

  “That you can touch me so reverently, be so patient and kind with me when we have sex, is . . . amazing. You’ve been through so much.”

  “So have you,” I remind her.

  “Worse than me. You had to live with him.” She kisses me again. All I can focus on is the tangle of our tongues, the taste of her, the sensation of her body sprawled on top of mine. I could slip inside her right now. It would be so easy. Too easy. “That you can show love through sex is nothing short of a miracle.”

  “When it’s with you, it’s never a struggle.” I roll her over so she’s on her back, making her squeal in surprise. I slide down her body, kissing her along the way. Sucking her nipples into my mouth, licking a path along the gentle curve of her stomach, kissing the inside of her thighs as I spread her wide apart, my hands braced on the inside of her knees.

  I kiss her between her legs tentatively, lifting my head to find she’s watching me, her muscles drawn up tight in what appears to be tense anticipation. The questioning look I send her is enough. She grants her permission with a subtle nod and I return my attention to the spot between her legs, licking and sucking her there, and she doesn’t stop me. No, she arches up into me instead when I flick her clit with my tongue. I want to make her come with my mouth. I want to show her all the many ways we can make each other come, make each other happy. Show each other how much we’re in love.

  Her hands sink into my hair as she makes these sexy little noises in the back of her throat. She’s restless with need, her head thrown back, her fingers pulling my hair as I continue to lick her, search her with my tongue. I run my hand up her stomach and cup her breast, playing with her nipple as I try my damnedest to suck her off.

  It’s like I need this to wash away the filth and horror of my dream. I need the sweetness of Katie to overtake the darkness of my past.

  She moans as I increase my pace, her legs coming up, her thighs practically wrapping around my head. She’s squeezing me but I don’t care. I slip my hands beneath her ass and hold her to me, feeling that first flutter, her body jerking in my hands, against my mouth. She cries out my name just before she comes, her body shuddering beneath my lips, her hands falling from my hair.

  I don’t remove my mouth from her but I slow my movements, keeping my eyes on her expressive face. She cracks open her eyes, throwing her arm over her face when she finds I’m watching her, and I move up to lie beside her, removing her arm so I can look her in the eyes.

  “Don’t be embarrassed,” I murmur, leaning in to drop a gentle kiss to her lips.

  She accepts it, a shaky breath escaping her. “I’m not.”

  I raise a brow. She rolls her eyes.

  “Fine I am. That was just . . .”

  “Perfect? Amazing? Life-changing?”

  “Stop.” She shoves at my shoulder but I don’t move. I need to hear what she has to say. “It was good.”

  “Just good?”

  “Do you want me to hand over a trophy? Remember, I don’t have anyone else to compare you to,” she says wryly.

  “I’ll take the trophy, then.” I pull her into my arms and she nestles close, her legs tangling with mine. “You make this easy.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Being with you. Admitting the bad stuff, sharing the good stuff, making you laugh. Making you come.” She squirms against me like she’s embarrassed and I clamp my arms around her tight, keeping her immobile. “I’m being serious. This is a good thing.”

  “I know,” she whispers. “I just hope . . .” Her voice drifts but she doesn’t say anything else.

  “You hope what?” Unease slips down my spine as I wait for her answer.

  “I hope no one gives us any trouble for being together.”

  “Like who? Your family?”

  “They already said they’d cut me off if I continued to see you.”

  I pull away from her so I can stare into her eyes. “Are you serious?”

  She nods, nibbling on her lower lip. “Both my mom and sister said they wouldn’t stand by and support me if we were together.”

  “You’re willing to give up your family for me.” This blows my mind. And I doubt her family would ditch her so fast . . . would they? They love her. I’m determined to do what I can to earn their trust. I need their acceptance in order to remain in Katie’s life, but what if it never comes?

  That terrifies me.

  “They’ll come around.” She shrugs, her unsure expression just about killing me.

  “Christ, Katie . . .”

  “Stop.” She rests her fingers over my lips, silencing me. “It’s not fair to make me choose. They don’t understand what we share. And that’s what scares me the most. If my family can’t understand it, then how do we expect the general public to understand us? They’ll think we’re . . . sick.”

  “We’re not,” I say vehemently.

  “Your father kidnapped and raped me. There’s no getting around it. He’s in jail because of it. Because he killed other little girls and I could’ve been one of them. And now we’re together.” She pauses, her expression grave. “To the outside world, we look crazy.”

  “I don’t care what anyone thinks. I only care what you think.” I smooth the hair away from her face and stare into her eyes. “Do you love me?”

  She nods.

  “Do you want to be with me?”

  She nods again.

  “Then that’s all that matters.” I kiss her forehead. Her cheeks. The tip of her nose. “That’s the only thing that matters,” I repeat.

  “I love you,” she whispers just before I kiss he
r. I love her, too.

  I can only hope that’s enough.

  I wake up slowly to find I’m wrapped up in Will’s arms, his warm, naked body pressed up against my back. One hand is splayed across my stomach, the other covering my breast, and I can’t help but smile.

  He must have got up sometime in the night and drawn the curtains. It’s so dark, save for the little beam of light shining into the room at the spot where the curtains don’t quite meet. I can hear the sound of traffic. The occasional honking horn or the loud screech of brakes. Noise I’m not used to at all, since I grew up in the suburbs and now live in a small town.

  Will shifts behind me, nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck, murmuring against my skin. I close my eyes and savor the feeling of being in his strong arms, his hands on my body, his legs shifting in between mine.

  I never thought I could be this happy. Never believed I could find someone who accepts all of me, the broken parts, the ugly, scary parts that I can barely face. He knows my deepest, darkest secrets and they don’t bother him—because he shares them with me. We can take something bad and turn it into something . . .

  Wonderful.

  “Good morning.” He drops a kiss on my ear and I lean into him, smiling like an idiot.

  “Morning.” I turn my face away from his when he tries to kiss me on the lips. “I have morning breath.”

  “I really don’t care.” He grabs hold of my chin and kisses me, simple and sweet, and I smile again because I can’t help myself. I’ve never, ever felt this happy.

  Like, ever.

  He lets go of my chin and I turn to face the windows, staring at that beam of light stretching across the carpet. His hands slowly wander everywhere, his fingers drifting across my nipples, down over my stomach. I can smell his skin, smell me on his skin, and I never, ever want to leave this bed. I’d rather stay right here and hide out for all eternity.