Elastic Heart

by Mary Catherine Gebhard

  Then he did something amazing.

  Something reckless.

  He slid his hand from my stomach and beneath my jeans. My mouth popped open.

  “You’re okay,” Law said, his eyes still locked with mine. I wasn’t okay—I mean, I was okay, but my heart was about to explode from the tension and anticipation. Law’s palm was only an inch away from me—the deep, needy part of me. I had never known how much I needed something until right then. I couldn’t cry out, I couldn’t beg, so I did the next best thing. I sucked the finger he had on my lip inside my mouth and bit. Hard.

  Law’s eyes darkened for a split second and then I felt him—his hand on the naked, deep, needy part of me. He covered all of me and it was the most delicious feeling in the world. My heart fluttered. My stomach ached. My thighs tingled. My vision blurred. And this was all from just a touch.

  “Is this okay?” Law’s voice was gruff. It sounded like he’d been yelling for weeks. I took a few deep breaths before responding.

  “Yes.” It was all I could manage and it came out in a sigh.

  “What do you want?” Law punctuated his question by pressing his palm harder into me. I was on the verge of hyperventilating.

  “Touch me,” I practically begged. Law split me with his thumb. I knew I was supposed to be quiet, but when I felt the pad of his thumb open me, I couldn’t help moaning. Law didn’t seem to mind, or else he was too preoccupied because no sooner had I cried out than he pressed a finger inside of me.

  “You’re so wet.” Law groaned and I felt the sound like a vibration in my soul. I was beyond wet, I was weeping. Law turned me into a puddle of wanton desire. Without him I was dehydrated. Needy. Unhinged. I grappled for him, desperate, more desperate than I’d ever been.

  My mind bifurcated between the woman I had been and the one I was now. There was the past Nami: cold, stoic, and unrelenting. Then there was this one, the one held in Law’s arms. She couldn’t see anything beyond red passion. She begged him. She rubbed against him. She was incessant in her need for Law.

  I couldn’t feel embarrassed, because all I had room for in my head was throbbing, pulsing need. It seemed, though, that I wasn’t alone. Law leaned in and seized my mouth. His tongue commanded I surrender and I capitulated easily, because I was already lost to him. My soul was so tangled in his that when he took my body it came without hesitation. Without Law I wasn’t just alone, I would wither. It was beyond craving. It was need.

  With his mouth on mine and his fingers inside, I came and I couldn’t keep my cries silent. No amount of lip biting or teeth grinding could keep that orgasm quiet.

  “Law!” I begged, trying to get him to stop so I didn’t draw attention. Instead, Law placed a rough hand over my mouth. My eyes popped open in terror. Briefly I remembered Morris. I remembered his hand over my mouth, but then I looked into Law’s eyes. There was no loathing or contempt in them. All I saw in the honey depths was love. I relaxed and let the orgasm wash over me.

  When it was over, Law removed his hand slowly. I felt empty without him inside me. I felt cold, but Law quickly pulled me into his chest. He threw a blanket over us and I fell asleep to the deep rhythm of his breathing.

  “You just passed my street.”

  “We aren’t going to your house. We have one more stop on the Law Apology Tour.”

  I twisted around in my seat, as if watching the street name get smaller would suddenly make Law turn back. Instead, he made a left onto a busier street and kept driving. At Law’s gentle tug on my fingers, I turned back and sat correctly.

  There was still a part of me reluctant to trust Law. That part wanted to insist he turn back and take me to my house. I smothered that part with a pillow, reminding myself that in the past twenty-four hours Law had shown me more truth than I’d had in months. So wherever he was taking me, it had to be worth it.

  Settling into the warmth of the car, I nearly dozed off. We were sheltered from the snow and wind outside. The Weeknd played through the speakers and I let my mind drift away with the lyrics. I barely noticed where we were going, letting myself trust in Law. When the car slowed to a stop, I looked outside the window and registered the destination. The recognition fell on me with as much force as a baseball bat to the head.

  It was the same street I’d been coming to for weeks.

  “What the fuck is this?” I yanked my hand from Law’s, alternating between glaring at him and the house outside. “How do you even know where he lives?”

  Law shrugged. “Contacts in high places come in handy every now and then.”

  I released a bitter laugh at his response. “I don’t know what you’re expecting but I’m not going in there.”

  “Nami…” Law reached for my hand but I held it away.

  “You had no right to do this, Law!” I yelled at him, but my gaze was pinned on the orange brick house we were parked in front of. Snow blanketed the yard and covered the roof. Even though it was early in the morning, I could see lights on inside. Tony was awake.

  My heart ached to walk up the steps like I had so many times before. My mom used to keep the house smelling so nice. There was always some kind of candle lit or something cooking. When Mom died, Tony kept buying the candles and lighting them. I wondered what he was up to so early in the morning. Was he reading the news? Did he read about me? Did he ever think about me?

  “Nami,” Law soothed, interrupting my thoughts. “I think you should talk to him. There’s a good chance he misses you just as much as you miss him.”

  “What if he doesn’t?” The question slipped out in a whisper. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the brick house. Avoiding Tony had at least granted me the illusion of family. I could pretend he still wanted to see me. If I walked up to him and he disowned me, I would have nothing left.

  I looked back to Law. Well, not nothing, not any more. Sighing, I placed my hand on the car door.

  “I can come with you,” Law said as I readied to open the door. I popped it open and bitter cold air slapped me in the face—though it still wasn’t as harsh as Boston. I almost welcomed it; the frigid gale cleared my thoughts.

  I shook my head at Law. “This is something I need to do alone.” As angry as I felt, it wasn’t really with Law. It wasn’t even real anger. It was anger to mask my fear. If these past months had taught me anything, it was that anger was always easier. It was easier to be angry than to acknowledge how terrified I was to walk up the steps and knock on the door. I looked up at the orange house and back to Law, his face a silent comfort. I gave him a small smile, the most gratitude I could muster at the moment, and shut the door.

  Nerves wracked my body as I made my way up the steps. He’s going to turn me away. It’s too early, he’ll be mad at me for waking him up. By the time I got control of my thoughts, I was standing on the welcome mat. It was red, white, and blue and read “Patriots”. At least some things hadn’t changed.

  Before I could change my mind I slammed my fist against the door. I glanced hurriedly around. I could still run away. I could leave before he answered—

  “Nami?” Tony appeared in the doorway. He looked at me like I was a ghost; I couldn’t read the other emotions. Was he upset? Or was he happy to see me? I rubbed my shoulders, not from the cold, but because I was anxious. “Nami, oh my god. I can’t believe it’s you.” Before I could respond, Tony pulled me into a hug.

  On a couch in a house I used to call home, I gripped a mug of hot tea. Tony sat across from me. Wearing a shirt that read “I might be in Utah, but my Sox are in Boston”, he was just like I remembered him. It had been several minutes since the last word was spoken, and that word had been about tea. Awkwardness had settled like a thick fog and I couldn’t navigate it.

  “Nami—”

  “Tony—” We both said each other’s name at the same time. Time ticked on as we waited for the other to start speaking again, but neither did. Finally, Tony spoke.

  “Where have you been?”

  “Here, in Utah.” I took
a sip from my tea.

  “You’ve been here all this time? Why didn’t you call?” I heard the betrayal in his voice even more than I saw the pain in his eyes. His hurt lanced my side. I gripped the tea for comfort and protection.

  “I was worried you would be disappointed…” I trailed off, staring into the honey swirls of my tea. The color was almost like that of Law’s eyes. It gave me strength. “I was worried you would hate me after what happened.”

  Tears formed in Tony’s eyes. I gripped my mug harder, not sure what to do or say. I had prepared for the worst. I had prepared for Tony to kick me out and say awful things; that was all that had happened to me these past months, after all. I hadn’t prepared for this. His emotion was overwhelming and affecting.

  “How could you think that?” Tony asked, his voice shaking. “How could you think I would hate you? You were raped, Nami. You did nothing wrong.”

  I looked away again and into my mug. “The world doesn’t believe me. Why would you?”

  “I know I’m not the dad you want, Nami.” Tony sighed. “But I love you like you’re my daughter and I’m never going to stop loving you. I don’t care what the world says. You’re my daughter. I wish you would have trusted me enough to come to me.”

  My relationship with Tony had never been stellar. I had hated him when he and my mom were together, and by the time I started to accept it, to realize how good he was for her, Mom died. It was hard to forge a relationship with him when Mom wasn’t around to act as the fire to weld us together.

  I wished I could have trusted him too. I wished for a lot of things, though. I wished a lot of things could have happened that didn’t and a lot of things wouldn’t have happened that did. I was learning that I couldn’t dwell on things I couldn’t change. But Tony was something I could change. I couldn’t change what had happened with us, but I could change what was going to happen.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “Don’t be sorry,” Tony replied instantly. “Nami you always have a bed here. You always have a meal here. I’m always going to be here. When I agreed to marry your mother all those years ago I also agreed to love you and that didn’t stop when she died. When she died, God rest her, it became even more important to me that you were taken care of.” I wasn’t sure what to say to that. After months of declarations of hate, I wasn’t used to declarations of love. In lieu of response, I set my tea down and moved to sit next to Tony.

  “I’ll be better,” I said. “I’ll call and come visit.”

  “You know I read what happened with that senator and I don’t believe a single word of it. I tried calling but the number was disconnected. I’ve emailed you at least a hundred times. I went to your apartment but that angry woman said you didn’t live there. I’ve been so worried. I had no idea where you were.” Tony started to cry, his sobs so dichotomous with his big frame. Tony was an ex-army pilot, with tattoos all along his arms and on his calves. I reached out to comfort him, but pulled my arm back.

  “God if anything had happened to you, Nami…” Tony reached for me and pulled me into his body, hugging me so hard I could barely breathe. His cries were muffled against my head. At first I was stiff against him, unsure of how to respond. As the minutes passed and he continued to hug me, though, I relaxed. I gave into the unfamiliar feeling, a feeling I would later recognize as family.

  I walked back to Law feeling something I hadn’t felt in a long time: happy. Talking with Tony had been emotional and heart-rending, but overall I felt good. I felt grounded.

  “How did it go?” Law asked as I opened the door and seated myself in the car.

  “It went…” I looked back at the orange brick house and smiled. “It went really well, Law. Thank you.” As Law pulled away from the curb, I noted him. I studied his profile, the hard edges so at odds with what I knew lay beneath. Since my first chance encounter with Law at the coffee shop, he had always looked out for my best interests. I was a stranger to him in every sense of the word, yet he was more familiar to me than any person I’d ever known.

  “I love you,” I blurted out. It was the worst way to say it, I knew that. I should have done something magnificent like he had. I should have showered him with roses or bourbon or something. Anything other than the way I did it. Law deserved that much. Watching him, though, I was compelled. The words tumbled out of me of their own volition.

  Law pulled a hard right and stopped illegally on the side of the road. I glanced around at the cars honking angrily at us and nearly had a flashback. Only weeks ago Law had dragged me into his car and attempted to take me to his hotel. When he’d seen my fear, he’d pulled over and I’d followed him instead. That day we’d shared our first kiss.

  I’d been in such a terrible place I couldn’t stand it. Morris had utterly consumed me. I would never have imagined that that kiss would turn into something more. Something life-changing. With what I knew now, though, it seemed so obvious. Nick Law, just like any law, was irrevocable. I almost lost myself in the memory, but Law grabbed my chin and forced my attention to him.

  “What did you say?” His cognac stare made me drunk. Would I ever get used to it? I licked my lips and his gaze flashed to them before returning to my eyes. “Say it again, Nami.”

  “I love you, Law.” I knew without a doubt that I loved Law. He made me stand in the light. Without him, I would have been a shell of myself. I would have been ash, razed and ruined.

  Law kissed me. It was hard, fast, and over too soon. Law tore away and, giving me one last pointed stare, pulled back into traffic. My heart beat so wildly I could hear it in my ears.

  The drive to his hotel was tortuous. Our tension was like a live wire ready to snap. When we finally arrived I felt like I might faint from the heat. As we boarded the elevator there was one other person in there with us. The air was electrically charged and I wondered if the person felt it.

  Just standing next to Law with our shoulders touching was enough to nearly seize me. I held my breath, because I felt if I expelled it I would die. Die of lust. Die of anticipation. Die of love. Abruptly Law moved, breaking the connection between our shoulders, and I felt empty.

  I watched his movements, feeling like I was underwater. The lust I felt for him, the love that twisted me, had me drowned. He pressed the button for the next floor. When the door opened on an empty floor, the other man in the elevator looked at us expectantly.

  “Get out,” Law said to the man.

  “I beg your pardon.” The man scoffed. The man was a few inches shorter than Law and dressed in a suit. The way he regarded Law, it was clear he wasn’t used to being told what to do. Law took a step forward and invaded the man’s space.

  “Get. Out.” Law towered over the man. The man glanced at me and back to Law, uttered something under his breath, and then hurried out of the elevator. I opened my mouth to ask Law what that was about but he rounded on me. He pinned me to the elevator wall before I could say a word. His mouth was on mine, his taste drowning me. I sighed, I moaned, I absolutely capitulated myself to him.

  “I had to have you,” Law said against my lips. “I couldn’t wait another floor.” Law undid the buttons of my jeans and ripped them to the floor. He fell with them, his head at my thighs. I would have been nervous, but there was no time to be. Over the lace of my panties, Law placed a kiss. I crumbled at the sensation, holding on to his shoulders for support. Nothing had ever felt so good before, so intimate and loving.

  I wasn’t an idiot; I was aware of cunnilingus. It’s an act of love, though, and I’d never been in love. Not until Law.

  Slowly, Law removed my cotton thong. With each inch of my secret skin he revealed, he pressed more kisses to it. He placed lingering, longing kisses on my inner thigh, on the curve of my knee, and along my calf. When he was finished removing my thong, he placed a single kiss on my ankle.

  Law took off his shirt and put it on the ground of the elevator. I marveled at his chiseled physique. It was so the opposite of mine. Where I was marred with sca
rs from fighting back and tattoos for fighting, he was flawless. Yet, in his perfection, I saw the imperfection. I saw why he was so perfect. I saw the need to be fit so he could always catch and capture anyone who might harm. I saw his broken heart that always searched for Janey.

  We were one floor from our destination when Law pulled the emergency stop button and said, “I’ll never rush with you.”

  Law lifted me up and placed me down on his shirt. He kissed a trail from my ankle to inside my thigh, his lips light, just teases of what I knew he would do to me. I panted, his teasing working me up. He licked the inside of my thighs, purposefully missing the center. I reached for his head, trying to force him to where I needed him to be, and he laughed low in his throat.

  Just when I thought I couldn’t take any more, Law licked me from the bottom of my slit to the top. He ended at the bundle of nerves that I swore held the key to everything. The bundle of nerves that had the power to completely undo me. I looked down at Law and the look in his eyes unraveled me. His half-lidded gaze was locked on mine, honey eyes gripped in lust.

  I arched my back off the ground, but Law placed a hand on my lower stomach, forcing me flat. Law sucked me, the sensation causing my eyes to roll back. Even in the cramped elevator, I felt loved and worshipped. Law had the ability to do that, though. He had the ability to make you feel completely purposeful and worthy, even on the floor of an elevator.

  I got lost in Law. I was swept away in his sensations: the feeling of his five o’clock shadow rubbing against my inner thigh, his soft lips against my own, lower lips, his artful tongue driving me to oblivion. My orgasm didn’t come crashing down. It came as Law had come to me: slowly, with patience, but with a fervor that consumed me.

  When it was over, Law put my clothes back on me with deliberate care. I watched him through dreamy, post-orgasm eyes. Was it possible I’d really gotten so lucky? Pulling me in by the waist, Law held me to him. He reached out and started the elevator once more. As the elevator started to rise, I examined Law as I had so many times before. His smile was fastened on me, no hint of smugness in the upturned corners. All I saw was love.