Dark Child

by Jo Raven

  Life’s like that, it seems.

  Though after a bout of peaceful, merciful silence, he opens his mouth, and says, “This secret Gigi has been keeping for you, what’s that about? I feel as if I’ve skipped episodes in a series.”

  With my cheek pressed to the car window, I watch the city flit by and consider ignoring him and also renouncing him. Alas, our brotherly relationship won’t last.

  But before I say anything stupid like that—I’m so damn tired, I take no responsibility for what falls out of my mouth tonight—he disarms me, saying:

  “You know, Merc… I owe ya.”

  Not that his words make any sense. “What are you talking about?”

  “I don’t mean like a debt. I don’t see things that way, not anymore. But do you remember when Gigi brought me to your home, when my mom was getting worse and my brother was running around with the gang? Remember that day?

  “Jeez, man, I said I don’t remember what happened one night when I was a little kid. I’m not amnesic, not yet anyway. I remember that day, yeah.”

  “Right.” Jarett shoots me a quick grin. “You opened the door, and led us in, and made me hot chocolate and… invited me inside.”

  I frown at him. “Yeah? You make it sound like a shocking thing.”

  “You don’t get it. I was frozen to the bone, I wasn’t sure life was worth living, not that day. My mom couldn’t remember who I was. Couldn’t even remember she ever knew me. If Gigi hadn’t brought me in that day, and if you hadn’t been so damn kind…I don’t know what would have happened.”

  “Jesus, man. I didn’t know.”

  “It’s not something I like talking about. And it doesn’t matter if you knew or not. You’re a kind person. Kind to me.”

  I think about that day, about my sister dragging into the house a bedraggled, blue-lipped Jarett. About how her gaze silently begged me to help.

  I think about basic human kindness and how it can change lives.

  “Anyway, it wasn’t the only time you were there for me,” Jarett goes on. “When I got out of prison, and you came to pick me up with Gigi. And, fuck, every single time you were there, and you just accepted me, and let me in your family, in your lives… You’re the brother I always wanted, you know? The family I always wanted. You, and Octavia, and Matt, and all of you. But after Gigi, you were the first to show me kindness, and the reason I’m telling you this is not because I wanna cry on your shoulder.” Another quick grin, his gaze sliding sideways for just a second to fix on me. “But because I want you to know I’m here for you. You’re going through something. What it is, I don’t know. My guess is, you’re not sure either, but something happened to you long ago, and you tried to erase it from your memory. But bad things don’t go away easily, so it stuck in your dreams.”

  For a guy who almost never talks, that’s a lot of words. “Jarett—”

  “I’m here, if you need to talk, if you need peace and quiet, if you need a drink and the opinion of someone who’s seen bad things and had to find a way to deal with them. That’s all I’m saying. You can lean on others, buddy. On me. Just like I leaned on you.”

  Hell. I stare at his serious profile, realizing he means all those things he just blurted. “Thanks, Jarett.” I turn my gaze back to the street, nonplussed. “Appreciate it. Though it would seem I kicked someone’s puppies in a previous life.”

  “If you want to talk now…”

  And I also appreciate the offer to get it all out in the dimness of the car, without the prodding of my wonderful but insistent sisters, describe my dreams to someone not involved with them, with whatever happened, someone who isn’t having fucking dreams about me, seeing me dying and worrying to death. A sort of neutral party on neutral ground.

  But… “Thanks, man, but I honestly can’t do it today. Maybe tomorrow. Need to catch some Zs.”

  He nods and leaves me right outside my building. Thanking him, I drag my feet to the elevator and then into the apartment. JC doesn’t seem to be around. It’s dark and quiet, and all I want is to roll into my bed and sleep for days.

  But it won’t work that way. I haven’t slept through a night for God knows how long. The thought of my bed makes me shudder.

  I need to sleep. Sleep and not dream, not think. Not remember.

  The sleeping pills don’t actually stop the dreams. Don’t I wish. Nothing stops them. But there’s no way I will sleep without some chemical help right now, so I get out my stash and swallow a couple dry.

  Then I lock my bedroom door, to be left in peace until tomorrow. It makes sense in my head. It all makes sense.

  Or it will, after I’ve slept. Right? And Cos said we’ll figure it out together.

  So I don’t know why I call Ross at the number Octavia gave me. I have it saved in my contact list, and I find myself scrolling to it and hitting Call.

  I find myself answering to his questioning “Hello?” and asking how he is. Telling him who I am. Why I’m calling. Asking about his dad. Our dad.

  About axes and bodies.

  About a silver swan.

  “What did you say?” he asks.

  What am I doing? This is nuts. I laugh, because I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing or why. It’s as if I’m dead drunk, drunk off my ass. Has to be the pills, but it’s still hilarious.

  He’s saying something when I fall face first on my bed, and the lights go out.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Cosima

  “Ready to go out?” Lin is all prettied up, in a little black dress and high heeled pumps, her chestnut hair pulled up in an artfully messy bun. Huge black hoops hang from her ears. “Cosie. Need help with your make-up?”

  I shake my head absently and turn back to the bathroom mirror, lipstick held tightly in my hand.

  Merc didn’t look so good. I don’t want to be the controlling girlfriend, checking in with him every five minutes, the hysterical paranoid girl who’s always thinking the worst. Merc is a grown man.

  Fully grown, as I recall. Flashes from him moving inside me, his cock filling me to the point of pain and exquisite pleasure send tremors through my body.

  Whew.

  But the memory of him caught in a nightmare bad enough to send him puking his guts out in the bathroom moments later is one I can’t get rid of.

  What if he needs me? What if he can’t sleep and something happens to him? I’ve done some research online about nightmares and insomnia

  And what would I do if I was there with him? Hold his hand when crossing the street? Not let him go to work in case he has an accident with machinery?

  At the garage. Shit.

  Nice, huh? I’m doing a great job of freaking myself out for no good reason.

  “Here, let me do this, or we’re never leaving the house,” Lin says, a touch impatiently, and grabs the lipstick from my hand.

  “Give it back!” I hunt after it. “I was thinking, okay? What’s the rush?”

  She giggles, holding the lipstick out of reach. “Too much thinking is bad for the brain.”

  “Ha. Gives you wrinkles, kind of thing?”

  “Nah, that’s smiling too widely. Tsk. You do not know the rules of maintaining a youthful face.”

  “Figured I still had time,” I mutter, painstakingly pulling down her hand.

  “That’s what you think.” She waves the tube at me. “We always think that, don’t we? That we have all the time in the world, when in reality, we don’t… we have no time at all.”

  “What are you talking about?” I frown at the sudden dark undercurrent in our conversation. “Lin?”

  She lifts a hand to smooth the glossy color on her lips, and her fingers tremble ever so slightly.

  “Girl, you’re officially scaring me.” I lean back against the sink, gripping the rim. “What’s this about time? You make it sound like…” I have to stop and swallow past a lump of fear in my throat. “Like you’re sick or something.”

  She blinks, then gives a shaky laugh. “Oh no. I’m r
eally fine. Sorry, babe, didn’t mean to worry you.”

  Well, I’m not convinced. “Then what was that about?”

  “Look,” Lin says. “I have this friend… she’s been in love with this boy since forever, since they were kids, you know? Neighbors. And then he went missing.”

  “Missing, how?”

  “I dunno. On a vacation somewhere with his parents, when they were still teenagers. And she’s devastated. That she didn’t at least tell him how she felt.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Nothing. Just, carpe diem, you know?” She shrugs, smiles wistfully. “Live every moment like it’s your last. No doubts, no regrets. I know I told you to be careful, to hold back, but I was wrong, woman. If you like this Merc, if you’re in love with him, tell him so. Show him so. What have you got to lose?”

  “I don’t know…” My pride? My heart?

  “If you’d rather be there with him, then head back now, this minute. Don’t wait.”

  I nod, still confused. And, hey, wait a minute. This story sounds familiar. “Lin, wasn’t there a boy in your neighborhood who went missing, many years ago? You told me about it.”

  Color rises to her face, visible even under the layers of makeup. “Did I?” She turns away with a huff. “If you aren’t running back to Merc tonight, we might as well head out, yeah?”

  Oh God, Lin. I stare at her as she walks out of the bathroom and starts gathering her stuff—her keys, her purse, her jacket—thinking about what she just unwittingly confessed. About this boy she was in love with, about losing him.

  That’s what just happened, right? I didn’t imagine it?

  About being so heart-broken over it years later.

  About my sister and Griffin, and how she felt when she almost lost him, time and again.

  About Merc, and how accepting the need to go back to him is okay. If I lost him… I can’t bear the thought.

  I think again of my dreams, of his words on the phone. He acted like everything was okay, but… he asked for me to go back.

  He did, right? Sure, he grinned all the while and then pretended he hadn’t said it at all, but he wants me to go home, and I didn’t imagine how bad he looked, how dark the circles under his eyes.

  Poor lighting, my ass.

  I tried to write it off as teasing, but the thing with Merc that I am coming to realize is that he can’t lie. He wears his heart on his sleeve for everyone to see. Of course he’s a guy and doesn’t like showing his feelings in the open, but with me…

  With me he does.

  Why didn’t I see it? Hear what he was telling me?

  Why do I feel this need to go back to him right now?

  “Cos, you coming?” Lin calls from the hallway, snapping me out of my thoughts. “We’re gonna be late. My friend Lily is waiting for us.”

  “I, uh.” I close my eyes, grip the cool porcelain more tightly. “I don’t know.”

  Make up your mind, Cos.

  Merc will be fine tomorrow, no matter what Lin’s story is. He’s an adult. He can take care of himself.

  Merc needs me. For some reason, he’s been worse lately, and he… he needs me now. I can see Lin another time, go out with her.

  “Cos?” She appears at the bathroom door, brows arched. “What is it?”

  “I’m thinking. And yeah, I know, it will give me wrinkles.”

  She snorts. “Did I scare you that much with my little story?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know. But I think you’re right. I should go back to Merc.”

  “Now? Tonight?” She doesn’t sound alarmed, or even overly surprised. “Shall I drive you?”

  I smile at her. What did I ever do to deserve a bestie like her? “And Lily?”

  “She only wanted to go out so she can ogle the bartender.” She rolls her eyes, as if ogling the bartender isn’t reason enough to go out.

  It used to be, for me, not so long ago. Not anymore.

  “I could still leave tomorrow morning.” I’m trying to give logic a fighting chance. “Early. Rent a car. I’m panicking, and I don’t even know why.”

  She squints at me. “What are you worried about? I did say you should go back if you want to, and I’d even drive you tonight, but truth is, I didn’t expect you to make up your mind within seconds. Is something going on I don’t know about?”

  “He doesn’t sleep well. And there’s nothing I should be panicking over. I just…” I let out a breath. “Since I met him, I keep dreaming that he needs my help. And he sort of asked me to go back on the phone today.”

  “Yeah. I noticed that. It was sweet.”

  Maybe. Or maybe he was really asking for my help and I didn’t realize.

  “Look, I need to make a couple of phone calls, and then I’ll make up my mind about going back tonight. That okay? Sorry for being such a flakey, crazy friend.”

  “You are my flakey, crazy friend, though.” She winks at me and slips out of her jacket. “I’ll call Lily. Let me know what you decide.”

  What would you do if you knew you had no time? If you had to do today all the things you put off for tomorrow, for another day?

  My purse is beside the sink. Turning, I open it and fish my phone out.

  Stop.

  Then I scroll through my contacts.

  Hesitate.

  Do it, Cos. What do you have to lose? You’ve lost your heart already, and who cares about pride when you can have love?

  I hit Mom’s number and frown at myself in the mirror while the phone rings. After two rings, she picks up and I frown harder.

  “Look who decided to finally call me back,” she greets me with a huff. “How come you remembered your mother?”

  I roll my eyes so hard I almost hurt myself. “I messaged you about a week ago. You never replied.”

  “About your sister.” She sounds bored. Fake-bored. “So I didn’t think it was important. She’s always getting herself into trouble.”

  Patience, Cos, I remind myself. It’s a virtue. “It’s not like that, Mom.”

  “Isn’t it? Not how I remember it. That girl is an idiot.”

  “Mom—”

  “Come and see me, Cosie. You and me need to talk. My new boyfriend, he owns a firm. Good legal business, darling. You could work for him.”

  “Even if I wanted to, there’s this guy in St. Louis and—”

  “Oh, girl, don’t make the mistakes I made.”

  My hackles rise. It was a matter of time—I mean, seconds. “Your mistakes. You mean, me and Soph?”

  “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

  “Oh, come on. You never hid it so well.”

  “And what have you gained by being contrary? Men suck. Isn’t your boyfriend a dick?”

  “Ex-boyfriend. And Jesus, just because you reformed and thought you can put everything behind you doesn’t make you a saint.”

  “So you want to go down the same path I did?”

  “Let me see. I’m not doing drugs and screwing everything with a dick, so maybe not?”

  “Cosima!”

  God. See why I’d rather not talk to her? We always fight, every single time. “I thought you wanted the truth. But that’s not what I called you about.”

  A long-suffering sigh. “Let’s hear it.”

  “Soph needs your help. A little bit of financial help, you could—”

  “Did she put you up to this? I swear to God, Cosie, if she did…”

  “She didn’t. My sister needs your help. Her boyfriend is very sick and needs some financial help to get back on his feet.”

  “What does that have to do—”

  “With you? Everything. He’s the love of your daughter’s life, and she’s been doing all she can to keep him from drowning. You could help her. You have the money.”

  “Nonsense. She put herself in that situation, she can—”

  “You’re her mother! We’re your children. And she didn’t do anything wrong by falling in love. She trusted her heart, and she’ll stick by him, but
they could both use some help.”

  “Your dad—”

  “We’re not talking about Dad. You know as well as I do that he has no money.”

  “Don’t I know it. He never paid child support—”

  “Oh, come on. He kept us, Mom. You’re the one who walked away, you remember that?”

  She tsks, as if I said something ridiculous. “Come work for Brad, and I’ll consider it.”

  Holy crap. “Really? That’s what you got from this discussion, that I’m open to blackmail?” I rush in before she can stop me. “I already told you I have a guy in St. Louis. Let me clarify. It’s the guy I love. And I’m not leaving him to work for your boyfriend, not that I want to work in a law firm in the first place.”

  “Cosima—”

  “Soph needs you.” I take a deep breath. “This is your chance to show you have a heart. That you are her mom for real.”

  I disconnect because if she hasn’t learned by now that love matters more than anything, more than money, more than past mistakes, then she knows nothing.

  And I’m only just starting to learn.

  This done—even though I don’t expect any real results, and it was probably just a waste of time—I scroll through my contacts to find Merc’s phone.

  Biting my lip, I grin at the pic I set for Merc’s number: it’s a pic I snapped of him shaving, eyes sleepy, golden hair rumpled, chest bare, pajama bottoms hanging low on his lean hips, showing off that sexy six-pack he rocks.

  But before I press Call, the doorbell rings and Lin calls my name.

  Rather, she hisses my name from the bathroom door. What’s with all the hissing instead of talking today?

  “What is it?”

  “Um, Cos? Someone at the door for you.”

  “What? Who?”

  “Steve.”

  “My ex?”

  “That’s the one. Should I ignore him until he goes away?”

  Oh shit. I cringe.

  “Told you he keeps pestering me about you. Want me to send him away? I can tell him you’re not here. Or we could both pretend not to be in until he goes away.”

  “No.”

  “You’re always running away. Stay and hold your ground.” Did Merc say that, or did I tell that to myself? “What does he want from me? He’s the one who broke it off.”