by C. B. Stagg
I opened the door to find a Greek god of a man standing on my porch. “Are you Rebecca Hanson?” His short, disconnected words reminded me of every time I had ever been pulled over, but his uniform reminded me of a male dancer I’d seen at a co-worker’s bachelorette party a year or so ago. The memory of that night made me smile.
“Yep, that’s me. Is there a problem, Officer?” I was waiting for the ridiculous stripper music to begin any minute.
“My name’s Pete Jacobson, ma’am, and I’m the primary security officer assigned to yours and the surrounding blocks.” And that’s when I remembered Casey mentioning the neighborhood association was hiring security after several homes and cars were broken into over the summer.
“Oh, okay. Well, it’s nice to meet you, Officer Jacobson. I was out of town all summer when the break-ins began, and I guess I didn’t realize it was still going on.” I offered my hand, but he didn’t take it. He’d taken a power pose, with a wide stance, one hand holding a metal clipboard and the other resting on what I assume was a holstered firearm.
“Yes, ma’am. I was aware that your residence had been vacant for several weeks in the summer. Can I assume you’re now occupying your home again on a full-time basis?”
“Um… yes? How did you know I’d been gone?” He was so very pretty to look at, but he had the personality of a stale saltine cracker.
“Ma’am, it’s my job to know the routines of the residents I provide security for, in order to ensure their safety.”
I nodded. My assessment of this man was that he took his job entirely too seriously. “Well, okay. I’m back for good now, Officer Jacobson. I’m at school during the day, and I’m home most nights. I may go home to Houston some weekends. Do I need to alert anyone if that happens?” I was starting to feel uncomfortable and was more than ready to end this strange conversation.
“No ma’am, that won’t be necessary. Are you the only occupant of this residence?”
“Oh, yeah… I am for now. I have a roommate, but he’s moved to Waco for the next two years, so… ” The precious air conditioning poured out of the open doorway while he stood, casually shuffling through some papers on his clipboard, before finally handing me a form.
“Please fill this out, including the license plates of yours and any other vehicle that may be staying here for long periods of time. Crime in this part of town is at an all-time high right now, and no one can be too careful. I’ll return at the end of my shift to pick it up.”
And with a nod of his head, he turned and walked back to his patrol car, which was really just a white Ford Escape with a magnet on the side.
For the first time in my life, I was living completely and totally alone. And while it was liberating to know I could actually function in the world without the safety of my parents or Jase, that didn’t mean I liked it.
I’d started off strong, but a few months into my first semester of grad school, I cracked. Sitting on the porch swing, reviewing for my educational psychology final, I got a text message from Jase, who I hadn’t spoken a word to since the night we broke up.
Your car registration renewal was forwarded to me. I sent it back, so be looking for it in the mail soon.
Car maintenance was something Jase handled for me. He’d always taken care of my inspections and my registration. He had my oil changed every three thousand miles on the dot, and even went so far as to fill up my tank and check my tire pressure on Sunday afternoons while I ran, or studied, or napped. I felt like taking care of me came as easily to Jase as breathing, and his simple text about my expired registration brought every memory of my time with Jase to the surface. For the first time in a long time, the dam broke.
“Ms. Hanson?” My head jerked up, causing my textbook to fall to the ground, a loud clap of thunder to add to the awkwardness of the situation. “Are you okay, ma’am?”
Feeling vulnerable from my public display of emotion, I looked at Pete Jacobson with a smile and an eye roll. “Officer Pete, you do realize that you and I are practically the same age, don’t you?”
He nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
“And you do realize constantly referring to someone as ‘ma’am,’ when they’re your same age, does more harm than good, don’t you?” The blush that crept up his neck, over his cheeks, and into his hairline broke the palpable tension that had settled around us.
“I’m sorry, ma—uh, I mean, Ms. Hanson.” He shuffled his feet over a board sitting slightly higher than the others and scratched the back of his neck, looking anywhere but at my face. Good thing, I was probably hideous. I’d passed ‘ugly cry’ quite a while back and was probably well on my way to the Nancy Kerrigan crowbar scene.
“It’s okay, Officer Pete. Every girl deserves a good cry once in awhile. What can I do for you?” I’d pulled myself together, about as well as could be expected.
“I was actually coming to see you. I was wondering if you’d like to go grab a bite to eat and maybe a beer this weekend. It’ll be my first night off in a long time and, well… ”
“Becky!” Donna yelled from her front porch next door. “Can you come help me with something real quick?” I’m surprised all the air that escaped my lungs at the sound of my sweet neighbor’s voice didn’t blow Pete down.
“Yeah, I’ll be right there,” I shouted, before glancing over to where Pete stood, looking like a beaten puppy. “Thank you, Pete, for the sweet offer, but… ”
“It’s all right, Ms. Hanson. I have three sisters. But please,” he looked up to meet my eyes, and I was struck again by how ridiculously good-looking he was, head to toe. “When you finally get over the bastard who makes you cry like that, call me.”
Then, he smiled.
Finding the front door open, I let myself in, letting the screen door slam to announce my arrival.
“Becky, that you?” Donna called from what I assumed was the kitchen.
“Yes, ma’am. You called, and I came. What can I help you with?” I turned the corner to find Donna in her cozy, little kitchen placing two steaming mugs down on the well-loved table. She pulled out a chair and sat down, patting the seat beside her in invitation. “You didn’t really need any help, did you?” I asked, sitting down in the chair she was offering.
“No, I didn’t, but you looked like you might.” She smiled, and I relaxed against the chairback, warming my hands before sipping the peppermint tea she’d made us both.
“Yeah, I did. Thank you.”
She sipped her tea for a few minutes, before asking, “That Officer Pete sure is easy on the eyes… ” I smiled.
I nodded. “That he is.”
“But he’s no Jase, is he, honey?” Our eyes met over our mugs as I shook my head.
“No, ma’am.” And if I thought I’d been out of tears after my front porch crying jag, I was wrong.
Donna scooted her chair closer to mine and held her arms out. I leaned into her soft body, grateful for an outlet for the emotions I’d kept bottled up since coming back home four months ago.
“Well, if that’s the first time you’ve been asked out since he left, it certainly won’t be the last.”
I nodded, wondering if I’d always feel this empty… like he’d taken a piece of me when he left and was never coming back to return it.
“He’s miserable too, you know.”
I looked up at her and wiped my face, noticing the wet spot my tears had made on the shoulder of her shirt. “How can you be so sure?”
She ignored my question. Instead, she stood to gather the mugs to make another round of tea. “What time is it?”
Referencing the clock on her wall, I answered, “Almost 7:00.”
As if my words were a magic spell, the cordless phone on the kitchen counter rang. Donna shot me a knowing glance, before picking the receiver up from the base and hitting a button.
“Hello?” She held my gaze. “Hi, Jase, how are you this evening? You don’t sound so good. Did you not go to the doctor like I told you to?”
The though
t of Jase sick, so far away, gnawed at me. “Well, if you sound like this tomorrow, I may have to drive over there and take care of you myself, and you know how I feel about driving that I-35 stretch. I don’t care if Pat Green did write a song about it… it sucks, and if you have any respect for this old lady at all, you’ll take care of yourself so I don’t have to worry so much.”
She listened and laughed at whatever he was saying on his end while I wondered when they’d become such casual phone buddies. “Look, Jase, I hate to cut this short, but I have a guest. Before you ask, Becky is doing okay. I saw her a little while ago, reading on the porch.” Donna stared straight at me as she spoke, her eyes telling me more than whatever she was saying to Jase. “Yeah, she’s studying for finals … Sure, I’ll run on over and see if she needs anything … No, she sounded fine last I talked to her.” She winked at me. “Yep, I remember last winter. It was strep, wasn’t it? Seemed like it took her a month to get over that crud.” She nodded, as if he could see her. “Of course, I’ll watch her extra close, and at the first sign of something I’ll get her to the clinic. We can’t have our girl getting sick again, can we?”
She shook her head, looked down into her mug, and smiled again. “No, sweetie, I don’t think she’s forgotten about you. How could she?” Looking straight at me again, she raised her eyebrows. “You’re the love of her life.”
At that, my mouth popped open, but Donna was quick to shush me with a finger to her lips. “Well, if you miss her so much, get your head out of your ass, finish school early like you talked about the other day, and get back here.”
I watched her, trying to read the seriousness that had replaced her jovial demeanor from just seconds before. “Jase, there’s no such thing as ‘too late’ until it’s too late.” She looked at me, and the slight shake of my head told her all she needed to know. “And Jase, I just don’t think it’s too late for y’all. You need to worry about taking care of business in Waco so you can get home for good … Okay, Jase, talk to you tomorrow, same time. I’ll be here. Bye now.”
Donna walked across the kitchen and placed the phone back on the receiver. “I may be an old woman,” she said, turning to face me again, “but I’m not blind. I see the way he looks at you. The sun rises and sets in your eyes as far as he’s concerned.” She reached out and handed me a tissue I hadn’t realized I needed.
“Then why did he leave me all alone?” It was such a stupid question, really. He left to chase his dreams because becoming an attorney was in his blood. This was something I’d known about him well before we became a ‘we,’ but I guess I’d never considered the logistics. How would that have worked, living a few hundred miles away from each other for an extended amount of time? He’d become more a part of me than my own barely-beating heart and I guess I’d just hoped he’d never leave.
“Men are a different animal,” she explained with a sigh, as if she’d said these same words a thousand times. “I’ve become pretty close with Jase since you’ve been back in town. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, but his leaving has nothing, and everything, to do with his love for you.”
“Woman,” I joked through my tears, “you’re going to have to speak English.”
“Well, think about it. You’re a psychology major. I think his decision to put some distance between the two of you doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you enough. It has nothing to do with that. On the contrary, his love for you is so all-consuming—and to hear him tell it, has been for so long—that I think he needed to figure out who he is without you.”
“So, you think I was smothering him?” The thought made me sick to my stomach. Of course I was. He’d single-handedly taken on my safety and well-being at sixteen years old. I’d relied on him from almost the second we’d gotten together, with absolutely no consideration for the boy he was before acquiring all my baggage… nor the man he would have become had he not been emotionally tied down to me all those years ago. I felt like a fool.
“No, Becky, no smothering. You never asked anything of him he wasn’t freely willing to give you. Have you ever heard the old saying, ‘If you love something, let it go—’?”
“Yeah, I know. ‘If it comes back, it’s yours. And if it doesn’t, it never was.’” My mom had already tried using that as some sort of attempt to convince me my world hadn’t just ended. It didn’t work then, and it wasn’t working now. I shook my head.
“Here’s my two cents. True love has a habit of coming back. And from what I see, he’s torn between staying up there to finish what you both know he has to do and coming back home. And Becky, I don’t mean ‘home,’ as in the blue house right next door. I mean ‘home,’ as in you.”
She sat back down next to me and grabbed my hand. “He left here six months ago a boy, but mark my words, he’ll return a man. Sometimes people need to get away to see what’s truly important. I think this time apart is exactly what you both needed. You’ve changed and so has he.”
“Yeah.” I nodded at the wise woman in front of me, grateful once again for trusting Jase all those years ago; if for no other reason than the tough, loving people I’d met because of him. “I’m strong now.”
But she shook her head. “There’s a story in your eyes, one only someone with an immense amount of strength could have endured. No, you were always brave and strong. I’ve seen the marks to prove it.” She glanced at my midsection, before looking back up at me. “It’s just that, without Jase around as a crutch, you’ve had to learn to stand on your own two feet. So smile, stand tall, and show the world you’re stronger than you were yesterday, but not as strong as you’ll be tomorrow. Jase will be back before you know it. Then it’s your turn to decide if the boy who held your dreams for all those years has become the man who holds your future.”
Chapter 30
Jase
“HEY, HAVE YOU HEARD from Becky lately?”
Phone calls to Casey weren’t uncommon. We’d spent years right across the street from each other, then lived together in college. So the last year or so had been a tough adjustment, not being able to talk whenever we wanted. But I’d tried to distance him from as much of the Becky situation as possible.
“Hey, man, what’s up?” The gravel in his voice made me wonder what time he’d gone to bed. It was almost noon.
“Hey, same old crap here. Wake up, study, go to class, study, eat if I remember, study, study some more, shower if I remember, study, then go to bed. Rinse and repeat.” And it was true. Law school would kick my ass if I hadn’t kept up that level of rigor, but I’d have worked hard anyway, just to keep my mind off of Becky, a skill I had yet to master.
Casey laughed. “Jase, when are you gonna be done? We need to get the trio back together again! Nothing’s been the same since you left.” Truer words had never been spoken.
“Yeah, sorry about that, but the state frowns on a person practicing law without the proper education and licensing, so you can see why I had to go.”
“Yeah, yeah, stuff your sorries in a sack, mister.” He yawned through the phone and I could see him stretching in my mind, scratching his hairy beer gut. I’d stayed away too long; not only from Becky, but also from College Station in general. I had even avoided holidays back home so I wouldn’t see her again. It was easy to use the demands of law school as an excuse for my absence. But honestly, I didn’t think my heart could take seeing her and not being able to touch her, having given up that right when I left. And it would have killed me to see her with someone new, even though Donna swore up and down she hadn’t dated at all.
“So, you’ve kinda answered my next question, but I’ll ask it anyway—you gettin’ any? I hear those Baptist chicks are wild once they get away from their preacher daddies.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Dude, you know me. I’m not one for casual encounters, I—”
“Naw, don’t lie to me now, Jason Pearson. I’ve heard you in your room before, and you definitely weren’t in there alone. You may have always waited until Becky was gone to g
et jiggy, but I came through the front door a time or two when something other than studying was going on.”
His confession threw me for a loop. Becky and I had always been so careful. “Well, that was then, before my career depended on my success. Anyway,” time for a subject change, pronto, “have you heard from Bec? She hasn’t called… lately.” Yeah, lately… like as in well over a year. In fact, it had been almost exactly one year since I’d texted her about her car registration, which went unanswered. Guilt flooded my veins as I thought back on the last time we were together. Not a day went by that I didn’t chastise myself for being so selfish and abandoning her the way I did.
“Don’t take it personally. She’s just been busy applying for post-grad programs. Man, I’m so damn proud of her for graduating a semester early with her master’s. It’s like she’s done nothing but study for the last eighteen months.”
“Wait, what? She’s graduating early?” I was shocked. After receiving her undergrad in elementary education, she’d been accepted into a master’s program for educational psychology. I’d always secretly hoped she’d go all the way and get her Ph.D. in psychology. She was just so smart and intuitive. I had no doubt Becky Hanson could rule the world if she set her mind to it. Donna did a great job of keeping me updated on the basics of Bec’s life, so I was surprised she hadn’t filled me in on this little plot twist.
“Yeah, man, she didn’t tell you? She graduates in three days.”
And I was scheduled to take the bar exam in five days. The pile on my already overloaded plate just got a whole lot higher.
Now I had to fit in an extra trip to College Station.
Chapter 31
Becky
I’D DONE IT.
Not only had I made it through graduate school relatively unscathed, but I’d also survived living by myself for the first time—sleeping alone, turning down numerous offers of dinner and a movie, and living and breathing in a world without Jase Pearson. I had survived, but my mother had been wrong about one thing. There weren’t enough new shoes, clothes, or tubes of lipstick to heal the gaping hole in my heart left by Jase almost two years before. I was starting to believe I’d have to live with Jase’s ghost hiding around every corner… especially if I planned to stay in College Station to start my career.