by C. B. Stagg
It was too late, though. Some things you can’t unhear.
It was out there now, circling my head, then settling into my bones like a dark spirit.
“Is there someone else? And don’t you lie to me, Jason George Pearson.” It was the only explanation I could think of for this craziness, but his wide, unbelieving eyes, and the tight line formed by his mouth, were all I needed to see to know the truth.
“What? NO! How could you even think such a thing? Becky, it’s like a break… just to get our heads together and make sure we know exactly what we want when the time comes.”
Funny, I thought the moment we gave ourselves to each other we’d solidified exactly what we wanted. I wasn’t aware there was any question in his mind. There certainly wasn’t in mine.
I flipped my shit on that boy, sittin’ here telling me we needed a break, like a damn fool. “A break!” I screeched. “A break? Like a Ross and Rachel ‘ We were on a break’ type of break? So you essentially want a free pass to screw other women? Is that what I’m hearing you say to me right now… in this room we’ve shared for more than four years… sitting in the bed we’ve slept in, together, for the last six years? Is that what I am to understand you want?”
“Look… That’s not what I’m saying, but before we take this thing,” he motioned between the two of us, “any further, I feel like we should experience more than just each other.” He looked like a beaten puppy. There wasn’t a trace of confidence in his words. Not. A. Trace.
“So, we’re like the Amish?” His cocked head and wrinkled brow told me he wasn’t making the same connection I was. “Don’t they turn their teens out into the real world so they can make an educated decision about returning to the community?” He started nodding, first slowly, then faster and faster. I was worried his head might roll right off.
“YES, Becky, yes, just like that.” Relief streamed from his pores. He thought I finally understood and agreed.
Wrong.
“Well, SPOILER ALERT, Jase! We. Are not. Amish.” I pinpointed each word with a finger to his chest. “And I don’t need to go experience other men to know you are the love of my life. I knew within days of meeting you.” I wilted, the adrenaline I’d been pulling my energy from dissipated as quickly as it had appeared. I sunk to the floor, holding onto my folded knees in front of me like a lifeline.
“But Becky?” His words were barely a whisper, but I heard them loud and clear. “Maybe I do.”
And then the only sound filling the room was the sword, breaking through my skin and piercing my heart all the way through.
Wordlessly, I stood and walked into my fake room. I’d never actually lived in there, but for Casey’s sake, it had to exist. I’d studied in there sometimes, and my closet was in there as well, but it had never really been my room—until now.
I lay awake the whole night as I tossed and turned, constructing and deconstructing the last six years I’d spent with Jase. This was not a healthy use of my time. When the sun finally rose on my first day as a single woman, I was no closer to uncovering my role in his decision than I was the night before when he’d dropped the bomb that annihilated life as I knew it. All I knew was that I needed a change. Staying in a house where Jase and I had lived, laughed, and loved didn’t seem like the smartest move.
I packed up before the sun rose, and sneaking out of the house like a teenager, drove home at the crack of dawn to lick the wounds of my broken heart. I hadn’t fully accepted the idea Jase was no longer mine and that he was leaving me for at least two years. I felt like he’d cut off my arm or cut out my tongue.
I didn’t know how to be me without him.
“Rebecca! What a wonderful surprise.” My mom turned and yelled in the direction of the garage. “BENNETT, Rebecca’s home.” Loud bangs, clatters, and clangs preceded my dad tripping into the kitchen from the garage and straight over to me. He gathered me into his arms and swung me around and around, something he’d done since forever.
When he put me down, he looked into my eyes. I watched the smile melt from his face, and he asked, “Who. Is. He?” And then under his breath, “I’ll kill him.” Until he spoke those words, I hadn’t felt the warm tears sliding down my face. I crumpled into my father’s arms at that moment. He easily scooped me up and carried me to my room, setting me on the bed. Then he pushed me back and removed my shoes. “Sleep, Bec. You’ll feel better after you’ve rested. Then we can talk.” He kissed my head, covered me up to my neck, and walked out, leaving the door cracked just a smidge, as usual.
Suddenly I felt younger and so vulnerable. I was hurt, heartsick, and I welcomed the nurturing my perfect parents could provide. Parents loved unconditionally, they didn’t ask questions… they just parented. Coming home had been a wise move on my part.
Chapter 26
Jase
SUNLIGHT STREAMING THROUGH the window woke me up—not that I’d slept much. Hoping against hope, I reached out to where Becky should have been. I’d have given my right eye to feel her warm, smooth skin taking up space beside me, but all I found was a cold pillow.
So it hadn’t been a terrible nightmare.
She’d moved out like a thief in the night within minutes of me telling her about law school. She moved out of our room and into the one she’d called ‘hers’ in the years Casey lived with us. She didn’t leave so much as a nail file. And the whole time she cried silently, never even casting a glance my way.
And I’d let her. I gave her space and allowed her the freedom to do what she needed to do, halfway expecting her to be crawling into bed with me in just a short time.
But I was wrong.
That night was the worst night of sleep I’d ever experienced. I kept reaching for her, but she wasn’t there. Her side was cold, and the air felt desperately lonely.
But I still stood by my decision. I loved Rebecca Hanson more than I thought was humanly possible. She was a part of me, just as I was a part of her. And therein lied the problem. We didn’t have identities without the other, and I didn’t feel like that was a good foundation for a marriage to be built upon. My heart was telling me she’d come to the same conclusion overnight. So early that morning, I tiptoed down to her room and peeked inside. I’d offer to make us breakfast, where we could talk about things, and I could make her see my side.
But Becky was gone. And so were most of her things. Her bed was made, everything was perfectly in place, but she was nowhere to be found. I ran to the front porch, and sure enough, her little green car was gone. The phrase ’Be careful what you wish for’ came to mind. I’d wanted us to try and live separate lives… and we were definitely separated now. Probably by at least a hundred miles, if I had to guess. It was time to practice what I’d been preaching. I stumbled back inside and sank down into the couch, wondering if I’d made the right decision or if I’d lost her forever.
“Hello?” I loved that she almost always answered on the first ring.
“Hey, Mom. I need a favor.”
“What favor? What’s wrong?” My mom was the most perceptive person I knew, almost like a mind reader. How on earth she knew something was off, with only six little words… I’ll never know.
Was I ready to get into the thick of it with my mom? I wasn’t sure, although she was the only one who knew Becky and I had, at some point, had a more than friends relationship. After all, she’d bought me my first box of condoms, even though they’d long expired by the time I actually needed them. That thought clinched my stomach.
“Could you please look in the Hanson’s driveway and tell me if Becky’s car is there?” I waited. “Well?”
“It’s right there, baby. I’m looking at it now. Are you gonna tell me what happened?”
It was a fair question, so I did. I told her. Everything. The whole six years of loving Becky came out like vomit through the phone line. Then, with shame, I told her about last night.
“Well, Jase, all this time I thought it was just a friends with benefits thing y’all had going on.”
She sighed. “I didn’t know you loved her.”
Was this conversation really happening? “Number one, how do you even know what friends with benefits means? And number two, give me a little more credit than that please.” I flopped down on the couch, which of course smelled just like the fruity lotion Becky always put on before bed. “I think I fell in love with her the day I found her in the shed.”
I thought back to her wide, frightened face—her lips and chin trembling—as she begged me not to call the cops. The memory of those first few days together made me feel all warm inside, until I realized she’d driven over a hundred miles to get away from me. Then it was more like ice water to the crotch.
“Well then, Jase? Honey? Why did you break up with her?” She’d finally dropped the formalities and was now oozing the Southern charm I’d grown to love.
“Because… ”
I wasn’t sure anymore. What had I done? After a few beats, I finished that sentence with the only thing that made any sense.
“I think I was scared I loved her too much.” Was that it? Had I just let my fears and insecurities ruin the best thing that had ever happened to me? “Does that even make sense?”
I hadn’t thought about it like that before, but now—hearing the words spoken directly from my heart—I knew they were the truth.
“You love her too much because you don’t know how to love any other way.” She sighed into the phone, and I felt her compassion like she was right beside me. “The problem with that is (and I’m speaking from experience) you can’t love someone so much that you lose yourself in the process. Give her some time. Give yourself some time. This break may actually be the thing that saves you.”
Chapter 27
Becky
IT DIDN’T FEEL ANY BETTER waking up without Jase the day after the worst day of my life.
Nor, the day after that.
But eventually, days turned into weeks. And as I learned to live life at home for the summer, without Jase, the pain did start to dull.
“I wish you’d talk to me, sweet girl.”
I was packing up to head back to school when my mom came in to chat. She’d been trying all summer to get me to talk about what was happening, but I just couldn’t. Stating out loud how Jase didn’t want me made it real—and in the back of my mind—I hoped I’d head back to College Station for grad school to find Jase waiting for me.
I’m okay, Mom. At least, I’m going to be. My heart is broken,” I shrugged, “and I’m not convinced it’ll ever heal, but I’m learning to live with it.”
“What about Jase? If you won’t talk to me, will you at least talk to him?”
Bless her for trying so hard to help me, but damn her for pouring salt directly into the gaping hole in my heart.
My face crumbled and her gasp told me she’d connected the dots. She pulled me close. “Well, I’ll be damned. Your dad owes me a hundred bucks.” She giggled through her tears, which made me do the same.
“Now why would he owe you a hundred bucks?” If nothing else, she’d at least lightened the mood a bit.
“Oh, babe. Your dad and I often discussed where you went when you left the house every night. He thought you were going to Casey’s house, but I knew better.”
“Wait, what? You knew I was leaving at night?”
She laughed and squeezed my hands. “Of course I knew. I’m your mom, and moms know things like that. I knew you rarely, if ever, spent an entire night in your own bed. And I knew there was no way you were going to Casey’s house. You were going to Jase. And that’s why I didn’t worry.”
Fresh tears hit my cheeks as she turned to face me. “As a mom, there’s nothing worse than watching your child fight the demons of a past you know nothing about. It clawed at my soul that I couldn’t help you through it, but knowing you had Jase allowed me to rest easier. That first night, when he came to us about you, I knew he loved you. Can you tell me what happened?”
Any fears I’d had about my parents’ love for me were put to rest with the sincerity of that conversation. So I told her everything. “Momma, I don’t think he loves me anymore.”
“No, Rebecca, I don’t think that’s true at all. Right now it’s painful, and it’s ugly.” She enveloped me in an embrace only a mother could pull off. One that makes you feel like a tiny, helpless child and also says, no matter what, I’ll keep you safe.
“Bec, right now clouds have robbed your sky of the sun, and you will have to weather some fierce storms, no doubt. But when it’s all said and done, a rainbow will emerge—beauty through the pain—and you’ll both be better and stronger for it.”
“But, what do I do while I wait for the storms to pass?” I didn’t know who I was without Jase.
“Well, lucky for you, your dad went through a similar phase and I know the cure.” Her grin was infectious.
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” She stood up and grabbed my hands in hers, pulling me up too.
“Well, it starts with shopping… ”
Chapter 28
Jase
“LOOK TO YOUR LEFT.” I do, and I see a man with possibly the worst case of adult acne there ever was. Seriously, his face looked like the surface of the moon, and based on his lack of hygiene in the other visible parts of his body, it was no wonder.
“Look to your right.” I do again, and see a thirty-something man with a completely bald head, a goatee that more than made up for what he lacked up top, full sleeve tattoos down both arms, and a gnarly scar across his left cheekbone.
“Did you get a good look? Because one of you won’t be here by the end of the year.”
I looked again, deciding I’d put my money on pizza face, too scared to bet against scar face for fear of retaliation. It was clear they both hinged their bets on me.
It was July, and I was at Baylor Law School Orientation. I’d taken my mom’s advice and I was giving us time. My life was unfolding just as I’d always planned. I’d spent years carefully evaluating my options and formulating goals that fit my strengths. Family law was in my blood. I’d spent more hours discussing theoretical cases with my mother and grandfather than I could count. I was analytical. I was logical. And I felt as if I’d made a conscious, well-informed decision about obtaining a law degree.
From the moment I stepped on the Baylor campus, I ate, drank, slept, and breathed school, never letting myself stop. Because the few times I gave my mind a break from torts, contracts, legal methods, and constitutional law… I was forced to face the possibility that I didn’t know how to be alone.
I was in a new city, attending law classes, and I was completely immersed in a new and challenging world. This made it easy to forget I’d been the cause of the crumbling devastation that sat just beyond the walls of the lecture halls. I was a wreck. My life was in absolute shambles. I ate for fuel and nothing more. Sleep was scarce, and when I did sleep, my dreams were filled with snapshots of a life with Becky. I would awaken, heart beating wildly and usually unaware of my surroundings, half expecting her warm body to be tangled with mine.
There were times when—trapped in the recesses of whatever fantasy Bec had unknowingly joined me in—I’d feel almost whole again… only to reach out and find her gone. And almost instantly, that warm, languid love I’d felt just being in her presence turned into confused anger coursing through my veins. What was happening? How had I become so lost? Was I the victim or the perpetrator in this tormented existence I’d been forced to live in, and for the love of God, where was the escape?
But soon enough, my mind would rewind and I’d remember the exact moment: the smell of her perfume, the way the lamp in our bedroom caused her shoulders to glow a golden brown, and the way her brilliant smile slowly slipped from her face, replaced with disappointment. When I (in a self-righteous bout of insecurity) had taken the most perfect and pure love—the one thing money couldn’t buy, yet Becky gave so generously and in such abundance—and threw it right back at her, as if it were nothing more than a used tissue.
; It was in these moments… the ones where her entire body projected the pain I’d inflicted with my selfish actions… when all I wanted was to drive down I-35 until I reached the little house with the porch swing, and throw myself at her mercy. I would beg her to patch the Becky-shaped hole in my soul that opened the day I’d said goodbye.
Chapter 29
Becky
MY LOGICAL SELF KNEW he was gone, but the pathetic, heartbroken girl I’d been all summer wished and prayed I’d walk in to see Jase, feet kicked up on the coffee table, flipping through channels.
I’d waited until the last possible moment to leave the comfort of my parents’ home. Facing my life in College Station without Jase was like walking into the unknown. I’d always thought of him as my ‘other half.’ I didn’t believe that I could survive without him because I’d always thought of him as a part of me. It took him leaving for me to realize I was not just a partial person. I was whole and complete, with or without Jase Pearson.
Pulling into the driveway, everything looked exactly the same. Casey had been taking care of the lawn, and our neighbor, Donna, had been keeping an eye on things otherwise. It was almost like time stood still and the past three months had never happened. It wasn’t until I walked inside that I remembered everything I’d fought so hard to forget.
A few weeks into the semester, a knock on the door roused me from my daze. I’d been reading the same page for at least ten minutes, but I couldn’t tell you what class I was studying for.
Another knock.
“I’m coming, just a second, jeez… ”