Ain't Myth-Behaving

by Katie MacAlister

  The two druids portraying Red Imps were clad in red jumpsuits, each clutching a reproduction long sword. They looked up with surprise as I charged at them, cracking one on the head with the butt of my sword, knocking the other backward over the barrier bales of hay. Both hit the ground hard, neither moving as I turned to the third man. Taranis, clad in black trousers and a red shirt, was just strapping his sword to his waist when he heard the druids yell.

  He looked confused for a second as I lunged for him, but godly instincts being what they are, he had his sword in hand by the time I reached him.

  “What the hell are you doing?” he snarled as I leaped at him. “The queen isn’t here yet! We haven’t started our attack! Oh, for God’s sake, man, put those horns away. You’re going to poke someone’s eye out on them one day.”

  “You treacherous bastard! You thought I didn’t know what you were doing, didn’t you?” As I slashed at him with my sword, he parried and backed up a step, looking confused and slightly annoyed. “You want me dead so you can put one of your seven hundred sons in my place.”

  “I only have one hundred and forty-two children, of whom seventy-eight are sons. None of them wants your job!” He parried another lunge, and blocked a backhanded attack. “Well, the youngest does, but he’s an idiot and I wouldn’t trust him with a toaster. Your job is perfectly safe!”

  “Ha! I don’t believe you. You’ve wanted me out of this job forever. It’s not going to happen, though. Megan will be my goddess, despite your best efforts to keep her from me, and we’re going to live happily ever after, dammit!” I leaped onto the nearest bale of hay, and threw myself at him in the best Errol Flynn manner.

  “I’m not trying to kill you, you daft fool!” he shouted, spinning out of my way and checking my sword thrust.

  “Ha!” I repeated, giving him my best scornful look. “Then why are you fighting me now?”

  “Because I’m a Red bloody Imp, that’s why. And I’m not actually fighting you, I’m just trying to keep you from messing up this shirt! Deidre made it herself, and she’ll gut me alive and roast my spleen over an open fire if I ruin it.”

  I lowered my sword slightly. “Deidre?”

  “My wife!” Taranis was panting slightly, a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead. I felt distinct pleasure that I wasn’t even breathing hard. “She’s a fury, and believe me when I say it’s wiser not to make her angry. That’s her there, next to the bonfire.”

  I looked where he had waved. A tall blond woman was gaily throwing small pieces of wood on the fire. “A fury? I thought you only married mortal women?”

  “I haven’t married a mortal in three centuries,” he answered, lowering his sword and mopping at his brow. “They were always getting pregnant. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to feed and house one hundred and forty-two children? Deidre’s very good at keeping them all in line; otherwise I’d be stark raving mad by now.”

  “So you’re saying you aren’t going to try to steal Megan away from me so that I’ll die and you can fill my position?”

  “Steal her?” He shot a quick glance toward his wife and shuddered. “The repercussions of such an event are too horrible to contemplate. I don’t know where you got this ridiculous idea that I’m trying to get rid of you, but I have no such intentions.”

  I raised my sword until the tip was against his neck. “Then why did you try to win her at the hunt?”

  He actually had the audacity to roll his eyes at me. I thought lovingly of plunging the sword into him, but the fruitlessness of such an act stayed my hand.

  “Complacency, man! You were so complacent with Fidencia during previous hunts, I figured it would bring a little life back to you if you thought this new goddess wasn’t going to be yours quite so easily.”

  “Do I look like a man who needs new life?”

  He eyed me carefully. “Actually, you look like a man in the throes of intense jealousy. Do you love this mortal woman, then?”

  “Of course I love her! She’s going to be my goddess!” It took an effort, but I managed to contain the anger that had filled me. “Don’t you love your goddess?”

  His eyes shot to the blond woman, now heaving large pieces of broken furniture onto the bonfire with great gusto. “I’d be afraid not to. That is, yes, of course I love her.”

  Behind us, the two druids helped each other to their feet.

  “Then perhaps you’d explain why, if you’re not trying to replace me, you held off having me summoned until a week before Beltane, thereby making it almost impossible to find a new wife by Beltane?”

  He frowned. “What are you talking about? It wasn’t I who delayed summoning you. Elfwine told me you had unfinished business in the Underworld, and that she’d summon you when you were ready.”

  I blinked in surprise. “That doesn’t make sense. I had no such business, and certainly didn’t request not to be summoned at the appropriate date. Elfwine told me you wouldn’t give permission to summon me, and that it took her a full month of nagging before you got around to it. Why would she say that if it wasn’t true?”

  “You’d have to ask her that, but I assure you it wasn’t me who delayed your summons. Ah, here comes the May Queen.”

  My frown, which had started with a contemplation of just what Elfwine was up to, faded as Megan’s party approached. In front were the White Women, four druids dressed in long white robes and wearing white masks. Behind them was Megan, the Blue Men standing guard on either side of her. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of her. She was garbed in a delicate white robe edged in crimson and gold, a matching crimson and gold chain girdle hung around her hips. On her head she bore a garland of white and red roses, white ribbons streaming down her back.

  “Hello,” she said as the group stopped in front of us, a twinkle in her eye. “Oooh, you have your horns out. May I touch them?”

  “Later, my dearling, you may touch anything you like. You look every inch a goddess,” I said, taking her hands, my voice low enough that only she could hear. “I should go down on my knees and thank the sovereign for sending you to me.”

  I pressed a kiss into her hands, then straightened and spoke in a voice loud enough to be picked up on the digital camcorders filming the festivities. “Most gracious lady, I have slain for thee the Red Imps that have sprung forth to attack. Might I beg a boon as my reward?”

  Megan, the Blue Men, and the White Women all turned to look at the three men playing imps.

  “Ahem,” I said to the Red Imp druids.

  “Eh? Oh! Arrrrgh! You’ve slain me!” The first druid clutched his throat and fell over backward. The second looked at him in surprise for a moment until the first one pulled him down.

  “He’s slain me as well,” the second said, finally remembering his role.

  Taranis sighed, sheathed his sword, dusted off the nearest bale of hay, and sank upon it with a languid wave of his hand. “I die.”

  Megan giggled.

  “It’s normally more exciting than that,” I reassure her. “Things have been a bit bollixed up tonight.”

  “Gotcha.” She consulted a small piece of paper she was holding and raised her hand to me. “My lord Cernunnos, you have saved us from an attack by the forces of chaos. We will grant you any boon you desire. Name it, and it shall be yours.” She took a step forward and made a somewhat wobbly curtsy.

  I bowed over her hand, lifting my gaze to hers. “I request your hand, beloved lady. Wed me this night, and I will be content for eternity.”

  “Nay, it cannot be! The May Queen cannot consort with the Green Man!” said one of the masked White Women.

  The Blue Men, representing my forces, each held one of the White Women to keep them from encircling their queen.

  I got down on one knee before Megan. “With you at my side, there is no challenger I cannot best, no trial impossible to overcome, no pursuit we cannot achieve. You are my life, my heart, my being. I will keep you and honor you above all women until the day I cease to exis
t.”

  A soft little sigh escaped her. “Oh, Dane, that’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  She leaned forward to kiss me—not in the script, but I wasn’t about to point that out—when a hiss from one of the White Women recalled her to her duties. “My lady!”

  “Sorry, I was just…um, where was I?” She looked down at me, her face shining in the torchlight. “I accept you as husband, keeping you and honoring you above all men until the day I cease to exist.”

  The warm glow inside me filled me with such joy, I couldn’t keep from standing up and pulling her to me, kissing the very breath out of her lungs.

  “Huzzah for the May Queen! Huzzah for the Green Man! May their union be fruitful!” the outer druids yelled, throwing grains of wheat on us.

  “Woe is upon us! Woe is upon us!” cried the White Women.

  Megan had been reciprocating my kiss, her tongue just as bossy and demanding as mine was, but she pulled back at the pronouncement of the druids.

  “Fruitful?” she whispered, looking worried.

  I kissed her lovely forehead. “It’s a reference to the harvest.”

  “The Green Man has taken the May Queen! He must die for that crime!” The nearest White Woman broke free from the Blue Man holding her, and raised a silver dagger over her head as she rushed toward me.

  I had only a second to notice that the dagger wasn’t the usual wooden one before it was plunged into my heart.

  I stared down at my chest in surprise, my hands still holding Megan’s.

  “You stabbed me,” I told the White Woman, not understanding what had happened. “You’re not supposed to do that. Didn’t Elfwine tell you what to do?”

  She pulled the mask from her face, revealing herself to be Elfwine. “I know very well what to do, my lord.”

  The venom in her voice sent me staggering back a pace. Or maybe it was the silver dagger in my heart.

  “Dane?” Megan sounded confused. “Is something wrong?”

  “She stabbed me,” I said, blinking to clear the black spots from my vision. “Not play-stabbing as she should have; she stabbed me in the heart with a silver dagger. You know what that means?”

  “No. What does it mean?”

  “It means my blood is on the blade—”

  “My lord? Is something amiss?” Stewart burst through the crowd. “Merciful sovereign! A silver dagger?”

  “What’s the holdup?” Taranis’s voice rumbled. “I promised Deidre you were having an American-style barbecue, and you do not want her getting grumpy because she’s hungry.”

  “Why are you doing this?” I asked Elfwine. “You are the druid elder. You have served me for years.”

  Elfwine pulled off her white robes to reveal a dark green shirt and matching pants. “I’ve had enough of serving you. You’re not Cernunnos—you’re a weak, miserable excuse for a god,” Elfwine snarled.

  I straightened my shoulders, and the hellhounds leaped up and bayed en masse.

  “Seize him!” Elfwine yelled, and the Blue Men surrounded me. One ripped my sword from my waist; two more grabbed Stewart as he leaped forward to help me. The remainder held tight to my arms to keep me from moving.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I snapped.

  “What I should have done years ago. All those years while Fidencia was out with other men, you just let her walk all over you. And now you’re panting after an American instead of one of my virgins. The time is long overdue for a new Cernunnos, and I intend to fill that role!”

  Taranis cast a worried glance at his wife, who had run out of things to throw on the bonfire and was looking around in a displeased manner. “Cernunnos, if you could please hurry this along, I think we’d all appreciate it.”

  “Yes, maybe we should finish this up,” Megan said, shooting me a sultry-eyed look. “I have…uh…things I’d like to discuss with you. Alone. Bring your antlers. Here, I’ll just take this fake dagger out, and we can finish up with this fire thing.”

  “Leave it, love,” I told her, stopping her as she was about to pull it out of my chest.

  Her hand was on the hilt, but before I could explain, she gave it a slight tug. “Oh my God! This is really in your chest, isn’t it? Good God, Dane! You’re really bleeding! But…you’re immortal! Why…what…”

  “We are here! Did anyone miss us? What am I saying, of course you did. Dion, darling, would you mind fetching me a chair so I might sit and watch the imp fight? It was always my favorite part of the festival. Hullo, yes, I am Lady Fidencia. The first goddess, you know. First and best, as the saying goes.” Fidencia marched into the circle of people, nodding her head and blowing little kisses to various people in the crowd. “Hullo! Nice to see you, too. This is my husband. Isn’t he delicious? Did we miss the imps?”

  “Someone call an aid unit!” Megan demanded, pushing Fidencia out of the way. “Dane is hurt!”

  “Well! Noony, darling, I have to say I don’t think much of your new woman’s manners.” Fidencia gave Megan a scathing look before her gaze dropped to my chest. “Oh, we missed the imps? Damnation. I’m sorry, my darling. All that is left is boring ceremony. Let’s go into town, shall we? The rest of the fire festival is too tedious for words. There used to be a very nice club that I just bet would play some salsa music for us.”

  “Bad luck, mate,” Dionysus said, looking closely at the dagger in my heart before allowing Fidencia to drag him off toward the car park.

  “We won’t be back until later,” Fidencia called over her shoulder. “Don’t wait up for us.”

  “The time has come for the change!” Elfwine said, striking a dramatic pose in front of me. “In accordance with the laws set down by the Court of Divine Blood, I hereby state my intention to claim the position of Cernunnos.”

  The hellhounds instantly surrounded her, their deep, threatening voices at odds with their somewhat less than awe-inspiring appearance. The druids looked stunned, most of them clustered together in small groups. The Blue Men tightened their hold on me. Stewart struggled to free himself, but his guards were just as adamant he not move.

  “Oh, no,” Taranis said, a distinct note of worry evident in his voice as he looked over the heads of the crowd.

  “It’s all right,” I told him. “Just a minor challenge to my position. I’ll handle Elfwine.”

  “You’ll do nothing but die!” she swore, pushing forward. Or she tried to—the hellhounds tightened their circle and kept her about twelve feet from me.

  Taranis slid a quick, dismissive glance my way. “Don’t be daft, man. There are much more important threats to our safety than a power-mad druid. Deidre is looking bored and heading this way!”

  “Challenge?” Megan asked, looking confused. “I don’t understand.”

  “Of course you don’t, you ignorant American—” Elfwine started to say.

  “Leave Megan out of this!” I demanded. “This is between you and me, not her.”

  “Dane, what’s going on?” Megan asked, moving closer to me.

  “Elfwine has lost her mind.”

  “You’ll pay for that,” Elfwine snarled, and tried to lunge at me. The hellhounds growled and snapped, keeping her out of arm’s reach.

  “She evidently thinks she can destroy me and take over my position,” I told Megan, one wary eye toward the druid.

  “But you’re immortal,” Megan repeated.

  “Yes, but if I lose the position, I’ll die. However, we seem to be at an impasse. Elfwine might have the means to take over my job—that’s the dagger, dearling. It has my blood on it. To claim the position, one must mix one’s blood with the current position holder. But Elfwine can’t do that if she can’t get close to me, and the hellhounds, for all their idiotic appearance, are still beasts of the Underworld. They’re not going to let her get near me.”

  “Husband?”

  One side of the druid crowd parted as if Taranis’s fury goddess was Moses. She wandered over to us, a slight frown between h
er brows. “There is no more wood to burn. Are we going to eat at the American barbecue soon?”

  “Yes, my sweet, just as soon as a few things are settled here,” Taranis answered in a soothing tone.

  “Are you people all deaf?” Megan spread a glare around at the druids who were gathered around us. “Someone get the paramedics! And police, to arrest that woman. Dane, you really shouldn’t be standing. Perhaps if I remove the dagger—very carefully—we can get you into the house where you can rest until the aid unit arrives.”

  “It’s better in than out,” I told her.

  “Oh, you poor dear, you’re delusional. It’s probably shock. Please, everyone, clear some space so Dane can lie down. Come and lie here, love, until the paramedics come.”

  I blinked at Megan, a surge of joy filling me despite the desperate circumstances in which we found ourselves. “Love? You called me love?”

  “Did I? It must have slipped out. Here, lie on this shawl thing I was wearing. Oh, your antlers have gone away.” She spread out a gauzy white bit of fabric before turning to the crowd with a black scowl. “What is wrong with you people? Can’t you see he’s in shock? Would someone please call the aid unit!”

  “You said ‘love.’ You can’t deny it. You love me, don’t you?” I tried to catch Megan’s arm as she was about to go into the crowd and snatch a mobile phone from an unsuspecting druid, but the Blue Men kept me firmly in their grip.

  Megan turned to look at me with those beautiful eyes, and my heart melted completely.

  “Well…”

  I tried to let her see the love I had for her. “Nothing matters in this world so long as you love me. You make me whole, Megan. With you filling my life, I need nothing else.”

  “Oh, Dane!” Megan exclaimed, trying to rush to my side. The Blue Men kept her from me, however.

  “Oh, Lord,” Elfwine said, rolling her eyes. “When I’m Cernunnos, I’m going to appoint a god consort who isn’t prone to such romantic drivel.”

  “Romance makes the world go around,” Megan said, her eyes bright on mine.

  I wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to merge ourselves body and soul. I wanted everyone and everything to go away, and just let me worship her as was her due.