Touch

by Sarah White

  Noah

  With a shaky hand I pick up the case and tuck it under my arm. I don’t feel like I can sit and watch it here, so I gather a few more of my belongings and take the load back to my apartment.

  When I finally get situated in front of my TV, I open the case and see that this is the last couple in Noah’s study. The finality of it guts me. After this, he won’t need me any longer. I pop the DVD from the case and slide it into the player. When the couple is displayed on the screen in front of me, I feel myself leaning toward their image. They settle into their places for the interview.

  At once, I know there is something different about this session. The woman sits in the middle of the couch and her partner sits right beside her. He draws her hand into his and places their entwined hands on his lap. She smiles up at him and he leans in to kiss her forehead.

  Noah is the counselor, and his voice makes my heart ache for him. He goes through the script like he has so many times and I mouth the words along with him absently. I teeter on the edge of my seat when he leaves the floor open for the couple to share their experience in therapy and plans for the future. I’ve long given up hope that I will see a couple pull through in such a loving way, but there it is on the large screen in front of me.

  The woman squeezes her partner’s hand and smiles. She addresses Noah. “We’ve been doing a lot of talking lately. Thank you for helping us learn to listen to each other.” Her eyes meet her partner’s. “We have so much history between us.” The man smiles brightly at her, rubbing his finger along the back of her hand.

  Noah asks, “Marty, could you tell me a little about what Stephanie has been sharing?” Marty looks to Noah for the briefest of minutes before turning his gaze back to Stephanie.

  “It’s kind of interesting, really. She just wants me to stop being negative about our future. I hadn’t realized I was doing it, but once she started nicely pointing out all the times I had us set up to fail without even trying, I started seeing how right she was.” The couple laughs a little.

  “So Stephanie,” Noah prompts, “Tell me how it feels to have him listen to you and consider what your needs are.”

  “It’s like a light went on. Suddenly I wasn’t frustrated and wanting to leave. I felt like it mattered to Marty to make this better. That was important. I also felt like it was okay to start considering some of his fears, too.” When Noah doesn’t speak she continues. “I always considered him to be a pessimist, but he told me that he just wanted to be ready when things got difficult between us. He helped me understand that hiding from the negatives in a relationship didn’t make them go away. Now he shares his fears and we can talk about them.”

  Noah’s voice is sure as he reflects, “Sounds like you’ve changed your perspective on his comments. They’ve been reframed from negative thoughts to helpful considerations.” Marty and Stephanie both nod and smile. The energy between them radiates through the screen. The mood of the session is exciting instead of depressing and though I can’t see him onscreen, I have no doubt that Noah can feel the shift, as well.

  “We want to make this work,” Stephanie says.

  “That’s great news. Now as you know, our time together has come to an end, but I will give you the names of three other therapists so you can continue your work together. The back of Noah’s body is visible as he stands and the couple follows suit. He shakes their hands and writes the information on the back of his business card. As they leave, Marty puts his hand on Stephanie’s lower back and helps to guide her out the door.

  When the session ends and the screen goes black, I find myself choked up and grinning like a fool with the budding hope that this couple has beat the odds and is going to be okay. The screen goes fuzzy with snow just as I hear a soft knock at my door.

  Chapter 34

  Noah

  My heart races in my chest as I stand outside Leah’s apartment. I tell myself to knock lightly, even though I feel desperate to see her again. If my plan has worked out, she’s seen the video already. I’m hoping she felt the same way about the session as I did. My heart crawls farther up into my throat with each second it takes her to answer the door.

  The sound of the latch being turned causes my stomach to flip. I exhale a big breath and try to calm my nerves. When she finally pulls the door open, the sight of her is almost enough to bring me to my knees.

  “Leah, I’m so sorry.” I close the distance between us, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her to me as tightly as I can. I tuck my face into the crook of her neck, but only feel relief when she lifts her arms to encircle me.

  “I’m sorry too, Noah.” I don’t want to let her go, even for a minute. We stand in her doorway wrapped up in each other until I finally hear her chuckle against my neck. “You’re going to have to let me go.” I smile as I release her. I hear the static from the TV behind her and know that she must have finished watching the session. Thank goodness something has gone right for me today.

  “Please come home.” I reach down and take her hand in mine, willing her to agree. She smiles up at me and I tug her from her apartment and into mine. I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier in my life.

  There is no question where I’m taking her as she follows me into the kitchen. I turn to face her and lift her up onto her spot on the counter. I’m finally making things right in my world. I brush my lips across hers. Her hands rest softly on my cheeks as I gently press kisses to her lips. “I didn’t sleep with Mandy last night.”

  “I know,” she says with a smile as she leans forward and plants a sweet kiss on my mouth. “I ended things with Lyle. There was never any doubt in my mind from the first time I fell asleep in your arms. He didn’t have my heart anymore.” Her words are like water when I’m dying of thirst. I soak them up and revel in the way they refresh and heal me.

  “Now what?” I ask, knowing that I will willingly agree to anything she answers, as long as it involves us being together. She smiles and I can’t help myself; before she can even speak I wrap my arms around her and pull her back into my chest, unable to resist kissing her brilliant, beautiful head again and again. She laughs and gently pushes me away.

  “Now, Noah, we make dinner.” I was hoping she would say that. I reluctantly step away from her and begin pulling out the pots and pans. I reach into the cupboard for two glasses and then pull out the bottle of wine I purchased with this week’s groceries. I fill the glasses and hand one to her. There is a peace about this moment as we stand in our kitchen, drunk on love and ready to fight for it.

  We spend the next hour talking about anything and everything as we prepare the food. Together we wash and chop and stir, stealing kisses in between. She’s right where I want her to be and I’m willing to be wherever she needs me. Our chemistry here is as great as it is in our friendship. I can’t tell where she ends and I begin.

  When the food has been cooked and our dinner is finished, we sit at the table and drink our wine. I fall in love with her a little more each time she smiles or reaches across the table to touch me. When she moves to clear the table, I stop her, reaching my hand across to take hers. I lean forward to take her lips with mine. “I have something for you. Let me get it.”

  Leah smiles and playfully muses, “A surprise?” before I let go of her hand. When I thought I had lost her today it dawned on me that I had never told her how I felt, and that no matter what happened, it was something I wanted her to know.

  It’s taken years to repair my heart, and even longer to rebuild the ability to love someone new. That time has come and it feels so right. I reach into my briefcase and pull out a small, flat, rectangular package, taking a second to calm my nerves before I present it to Leah. I hope she understands what this means to me.

  I take the seat across from her again and hold the giftwrapped package out to her. “Do you remember when we had the conversation about the map?” I see the recognition in her bright eyes as she nods her head. “You wanted to know what I would do if someone had no idea where they w
ere.” She is leaning forward in her chair with her chin propped on her hand, hanging on each word I say.

  “I told you that I would tell that person to look around for the signs. I’d want them to realize they had known where they were the whole time, but had been afraid to admit it.”

  “I remember,” she says.

  I hand her the package. She takes it from me gently and with great caution. As she unties the ribbon I continue, “I’m not saying I was wrong—that would still be my advice—but now I can see that I was in need of that same direction. It took me weeks to realize that as lost as I felt, I knew exactly how I got where I was.”

  Leah slides the ribbon off and unwraps the gift paper. Her eyes meet mine with curiosity when she finds a map inside. I nod, urging her on, and she begins to unfold it. This is the moment my life changes.

  Chapter 35

  Leah

  My hands shake as I hold the map. Noah smiles at me nervously from across the table and I feel excitement race through me. I would follow him anywhere. If this is a map to the end of the earth, I’m on board with whatever route he wants to take to get us there. My breathing is shallow as I open the first fold. Inside, Noah has written a message across the map in bold black letters:

  I followed you to the happiest place I’ve ever been.

  I run my fingers across his words and then look to him for direction. He motions for me to open the map further and I pull the two halves apart. Another message is revealed:

  I let myself believe I was lost, but you were there with me all along.

  I don’t need his direction this time as I open the next fold.

  I may not know exactly where I am, but I know that I’m always happier wherever you are.

  I feel the tears stinging behind my eyes as I unfold the map further.

  I love you, Leah. I want to spend every minute you’ll give me finding Forever with you.

  I slide my chair back quickly and jump to my feet. The map flutters to the floor as I close the distance between us. Noah stands and opens his arms to me. I throw myself into his embrace, holding onto him as tightly as I can. There is nothing more I want than to search for our Forever together. Life doesn’t always make love easy, but we don’t always have to make it so hard.

  “I love you, Noah. I promise I won’t ever give up on us.” I feel his arms around me, and my heart swells within the walls of my chest. We might not have all the answers, but we have the most important one. When life tries to push you apart, never let go of each other. A simple touch can heal a heart and join two souls. If you can remember that, even in times of darkness, your love can survive anything.

  Epilogue

  Noah

  Leah looks beautiful as she turns around and waves to us from her seat among the other graduating students. I smile and wave back, possibly as excited as she is for this day to finally come. She’s worked hard over the last two years to get her master’s degree and she has already accepted a position at the elementary school a few blocks from our apartment. She’s going to be a great teacher.

  After we stopped fighting our attraction to each other, we were able to bring our relationship to another level. I can’t tell you how good it felt to come home to her every night, knowing that her heart was mine and mine hers. I could throw out all my fears that Lyle might convince her to reconcile or that I might screw things up by pushing her away and resurrecting my walls. When we stopped fighting the current, we were swept right into the happy life we were destined for.

  We are not a perfect couple. Our friends could tell you that individually we can be as stubborn as the day is long, but together we have found a way of working things out so that all of our needs can be met. I love her and I know that she loves me, and as long as we don’t lose sight of that our relationship will remain strong. The speaker approaches the podium and Leah gives me one last smile before turning forward in her seat.

  I know I should be listening to the speaker, but my heart is pounding and I feel too antsy to focus on any one thing. I take a few calming breaths and let a chuckle escape as I think about how far we’ve come in the last few years. I finished my dissertation and after a few months of analyzing the final data, writing and then editing the article and submitting it to the top peer review journals, it was published and the feedback has been outstanding. I was offered a teaching position at the university, which I turned down to start building my own practice.

  I had always planned on working with individuals in therapy, but something surprising happened when that final couple in my study pulled through. I felt hope again. Not just for my own relationship, but for others, as well. I wanted to use what I had spent years studying to help other people find happiness together. My practice is now mostly couples and I’ve grown quite a reputation for helping people pull through some very tough times in their relationships. I wouldn’t change that for the world.

  In addition to my new office in LA, Leah and I have moved into a new apartment. We waited until she was through her finals before moving from the place where we first fell in love. It was hard to let go of it with all of the memories it contained. As hard as it was to leave, though, knowing that we would have plenty of opportunities to build new memories in our life together helped us to get excited about moving on.

  The students stand and begin lining up to receive their diplomas. My mom stands as well, squinting at the screen of her camera as she snaps a picture. We have reservations for later this evening at a restaurant in Santa Monica, where Emma and Christine, Leah’s old roommates, will meet us to celebrate after their own graduation ceremonies.

  Leah’s name is called over the loudspeaker and our entire section stands up and cheers as she crosses the stage and takes the black leather folder that holds her diploma. She holds it up to us and gives us a quick thumbs-up before returning to her seat. I could not be more proud of her. Not only did she finish her own degree, but she helped me at a crucial time in my own. One day I am going to find a way to repay her for that, mark my words.

  When the ceremony ends and we finally move down to greet her, I wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly against me. She is my world now and I live each day trying to be the best man I can, to be worthy of a woman as special as she is. I finally let her go so her guests can hug her also, but as soon as she’s greeted everyone, I slip my fingers between hers and hold her hand in mine.

  “You look beautiful today, Crash.” I still tease her about our first meeting on the stairs outside our building. I am eternally grateful for that accident that brought her into my life.

  “You’ve told me that already,” she answers with a quick kiss to my lips. Our mothers snap photos like the paparazzi and our dads try to look away. It’s nice that our stepparents are here also, making the whole day seem like even more of a special occasion.

  “I plan on telling you that every day.” I wink and take her diploma. I’m hoping she won’t ask for it back because it is a very important part of my plans for later. She kisses my cheek and then her friends from her cohort begin to trickle in around us, wanting to get her into a group photo.

  I try hard to relax, but my heart has been pounding in my chest all day and I feel the buzz of excitement as I watch my plan begin to unfold. Our parents each find various reasons to have to leave and meet up with us later and my heart clenches a little when Leah looks disappointed. She has no idea that they are all in on the surprise.

  Last weekend I was in San Francisco for a conference and, without Leah knowing, I arranged to meet up with her father. I’ve known for a while now that Leah is it for me. I’m very happy in this relationship and I have every intention of growing old with her if she’ll have me. Her father and I went out to dinner and then I met with the best jeweler in San Francisco to pick out the ring I hope she will wear on her finger for the rest of her life.

  Leah

  Today is such an exciting day. I don’t think anything could make it better. My parents and all my close friends are here, even though
a few of them have their own ceremonies to attend. I’m not sure what made my graduation a priority, but I appreciate it. Noah is still smiling from ear to ear and I have a feeling he is as proud today as I was when he crossed the same stage to receive his PhD last year.

  It seems like everyone has disappeared, all having something else they needed to do or something they wanted to see before our dinner tonight. I’m a little disappointed I won’t get to maximize my time with my guests, but now that I’m finished with school I know I’ll have more time to go back home and see my friends.

  Noah and I eat a light lunch on the patio of our new apartment. I would be lying if I didn’t say that moving out of our old place was hard. It felt like leaving it would be leaving behind the moments that made us who we are today, but of course our story moves with us in our minds, and it hasn’t taken me long to fall in love with this spacious apartment near Noah’s office.

  “Let’s go for a ride.” Noah’s voice pulls me from my thoughts.

  “Can I drive?” I know he has a hard time letting me get behind the wheel of his baby, but I figure my chances are good since he’s in such a great mood.

  “You can drive home. I have somewhere I want to take you.” He flashes me the crooked smile I love so much and I can’t resist running my hand through his hair and pulling him in for a kiss.

  We drive for a while, up the coast and then into the heart of the city. Finally, when the sun begins to retreat in the sky, he heads for a location that will always be close to my heart. The parking lot at the haunted church from our first date is empty when we pull into it. I give him a questioning look, but he just winks and comes around the car to open my door. I take his hand when he offers it and he pulls me from my seat and into his arms. I hope he never stops doing this because it has to be one of the best feelings in the world.