Here I Am!

by Pauline Holdstock

  — I’m waiting.

  — A little bit longer.

  — All right.

  — Now think about something wonderful.

  — Like what?

  — Something you really like.

  — All right.

  — Now keep your eyes closed. Can you see something?

  — Yes.

  — What is it?

  — Baked beans. A can.

  — And your eyes are still closed?

  — Of course. They’re in the kitchen anyway.

  — Ssh.

  — All right.

  — Try it again. Think of something really wonderful. Something you like.

  — All right.

  — What can you see?

  — My two mice.

  Tell me about them.

  — One was white and one was black and white and they lived in a wooden cage with a wire door.

  — So you were seeing all that with your mind’s eye.

  — I was just remembering. When I opened the door they both rolled out. It was my fault. They had frozen up like iceballs because I had forgotten to bring their cage inside and it was winter. No one told me it was going to be winter.

  — Oh dear. Try something else. Imagine something you’ve never seen before.

  — MyDad dead. Lying down.

  — That’s something wonderful?

  — Oh. No. Can I do it again?

  — I think you’d better.

  — All right. You. My mind’s eye can see you. You’re in a sack and they’re throwing you over the side because you’re dead but actually it’s wonderful because then they give me Alec.

  — I see.

  — Hahaha. I love that joke. Now it’s your turn. Do you want me to tell you what to see?

  — No thank you. I’ll pick.

  — I can see a thin silver waterfall plunging down a green-gray cliff and inside the waterfall are hundreds of tiny blue fish.

  — Were you remembering?

  — I was imagining.

  — Like you’ve never seen those things?

  — No.

  — Like you have then?

  — No. I’ve never seen them.

  — You mean Yes. You’ve never seen them.

  — Frankie I thought you were sleepy.

  — You mean Go to sleep.

  — Yes. I do.

  — All right.

  I didn’t go to sleep. I wanted to ask him another question but I thought it would make him mad. That would be scary. A blind man mad.

  I stayed quiet. And still stayed quiet. And then I gave up.

  — What’s your name?

  He didn’t answer. I thought he must have gone to sleep.

  — What’s your name? I whispered so I didn’t annoy him.

  — Gordon Knight.

  — Like night-time?

  — No. With a K.

  — Oh. So I can’t say Night-night Mr Night?

  — You just did. You know Frankie we’re going to have to find some other company in the morning or you and I will be utterly indistinguishable.

  — Like when you can’t put out a fire?

  — No, that’s — Oh just please — please — for mercy’s sake Frankie just please — please — please go to sleep.

  I wanted to tell him he sounded exactly like MyDad. But I decided not to.

  — Can I keep holding Alec?

  — Yes you may. Just hold the loop right on the end of the lead. Then he can lie down.

  — He’s already lying down.

  — I know. Night-night.

  (I still think he can see.)

  — Night night Mr Knight.

  I did a lot of thinking about going camping with MyDad and cooking baked beans on the fire. I was cold. When I opened my eyes Gordon Knight was sitting up on the edge of his sunlounger. He had his blanket wrapped round his shoulders like an old lady and he was smoking a cigarette. I don’t think he knew I was awake.

  I could see the sea past his shoulder. I could see it through the wires underneath the rail. There were no more white worms. It was just black with a huge white road on it. Mysterious. I closed my eyes again and turned over. And just opened them a bit to check. I couldn’t see the white road anymore but I saw something else white in the distance. I thought it was a ship. And then I knew. It was the iceberg! It wasn’t very big but if it was coming after us it would get huge. I could hardly breathe. I needed to do screaming.

  — Frankie? Are you all right? Frankie?

  The blind man put his hand on my shoulder. I had to do tiny tiny screaming so he wouldn’t hear. I could hardly hear myself. Alec was doing it too.

  He said Frankie you need to let go of Alec for a minute. He’s getting strangled. Can you sit up please so we can get him untangled?

  I couldn’t keep the screaming tiny for much longer. I thought Alec would die too.

  Gordon Knight kept saying Ssh, please Ssh. It’s better for you if we just stay quiet.

  — I can’t.

  — Please shush now.

  — I’ll shush if I can come over on your sunlounger. (I had already stopped but my voice was saying P-p-p for please.)

  — Then come on. What are you doing?

  — Nothing. (I said N-n-n-n-nothing too. I was treading on Alec.)

  — Can you see?

  — Hahaha. No. But I’ve got my eyes closed. Can you? Hahahaha.

  Gordon Knight didn’t laugh. He said Ouch!

  — Sorry!

  — Could you open your eyes, please?

  I said I don’t want to see it again until I’m beside you.

  He said Here. Now put your feet under the blanket. This is ridiculous. There.

  I said Thank you.

  — Everything all right sir? (That’s the sailor again.)

  — Yes thank you. (That’s Mr Knight)

  — Shall I bring an extra blanket?

  — Yes please. If you wouldn’t mind.

  — Not at all sir.

  — Now what is it you don’t want to see?

  — The iceberg.

  — Ah.

  — Mr Knight?

  — I’m thinking.

  — What?

  — I’m thinking you might never get the chance to see another iceberg. You might as well enjoy the sight while you can. Frankie?

  — I’m enjoying the sight.

  — With your eyes open?

  — Of course. I’m doing enjoying.

  He’s tucking the blanket round me tight. It doesn’t feel so dangerous now.

  — Thank you. Do you want to know what it looks like?

  — Let me guess. It looks very very quiet and serene.

  — What’s — ?

  — Peaceful. It’s like a brilliant white chunk of icing on a flat plate.

  — You have been faking. Hahaha.

  — I beg your pardon?

  — You have been doing fake blind haven’t you?

  — No.

  I said Well you were right. It looks just like that.

  I told him MyMum made me an iceberg last Christmas when it was snowing outside in the garden. She was mixing icing for the cake with egg whites and icing sugar and it was all shiny. She had some left over.

  Gordon Knight said Brilliant white, I bet. The whitest thing you’d ever seen.

  I said How do you know?

  He said I had a Mum too. You can keep good things a long time in the mind’s eye.

  He said The garden looked perfect. Like a magic land. I’ve never forgotten it.

  I didn’t answer him. I pretended I was asleep.

  I was thinking a
bout my problems. Here they are.

  1. If the iceberg started coming our way I would have to do loud screaming and everyone would get in the lifeboats except me and I would drown because I can only do twelve strokes. (So it was quite a big problem. About as big as a niceberg. Joke.)

  2. I didn’t know what Gordon Knight was going to do with me. I was nearly sure he was going to take me to the Captain in the morning. So I ought to run away — while he was not looking (haha). But if I ran away from him he would still tell the Captain and then everybody would be looking for me. They would be on the alert. Like for a nescaped convict.

  3. I didn’t know what to do. At all! I mean it. And that was worse than the iceberg.

  If I turned my head just a tiny tiny bit I could see Gordon Knight. He was still sitting up. I knew he would hear me if I moved. And Alec would make the tiny noise again. I was stuck. But at least I was cozy.

  I was nearly asleep when Gordon Knight started getting up. Ever so ever so quietly. He thought I was asleep. I could tell. I only kept a tiny little slit in my eyelids to look out through and I didn’t move. (Actually it didn’t matter even if I did open my eyes. But I didn’t think it was a good idea.)

  Then he started walking. By himself! Without Alec! My eyes were open now. They were wide open because I was someone having a big surprise. He was walking straight out very slowly from the end of the sunlounger towards the rail doing one step then another step. He had his hands out doing criss-cross like the magician at the fete who did abracadabra over a hat on a table.

  When he got to the rail he felt along it and then he just stayed there. Once he leaned over like someone who could see and was having a look to see how far down the boat went. I could have run away easily but I was holding onto Alec. After a little while he took something out of his pocket. It was white. I thought it was a handkerchief because he put it on his mouth. But it wasn’t. It was paper because guess what. He tore it up! He tore it about seven times and then he just threw it away! Doing littering! It looked like white butterflies flying. Like the white birds but not so many.

  When he got bored with standing there he took a great big handkerchief out of his pocket and blew his nose and wiped his eyes under his glasses. It made Alec wake up and sit up. He was watching him too and doing the funny noise. He wanted Gordon Knight to come back but he didn’t. He just stayed standing there. Just standing and not doing anything. Except eyewiping.

  Chapter 11

  (SAME)

  MyMum did standing still like that last year when she got a telegram about my Uncle Jack. He was my uncle because he was MyDad’s brother. He was MyMum’s favourite person. Except me. And maybe MyDad. When he came over they always did loud laughing. Once he got some baby spit from Aunty Julie’s baby on his hand and put it behind his ears like a lady doing perfume. He used to make MyMum laugh so much sometimes it made her cry. It made them both cry. Real tears. That’s when MyDad would say So are we having tea or shall I wait till Christmas? He didn’t get their jokes. Neither did I. Once he said I’m going down the pub and they stopped like they were a wireless and someone had switched them off.

  Uncle Jack was in the war. He got shot in the head but he was all right when everybody stopped fighting except he had a bullet in his brain. The doctors in the war were too busy to get it out so they decided to leave it there. Kevin at school said I was a liar when I told him. He said it was impossible but Kevin wasn’t in the war so how did he know? MyMum said Kevin knows Dick but don’t repeat that. She said Anything’s possible and your Uncle Jack’s a medical bloody miracle. MyDad said Patti! like he always did when MyMum said B-L-O-O-D-Y.

  Anyway one day she opened a telegram. It was from MyGran. It said

  JACK IN GUY’S STOP COME AT ONCE STOP.

  I know because I was in the kitchen where she opened it and it fell down. She just dropped it and didn’t do anything. I was five so I could read it easily. I read it out loud but it didn’t make any sense and MyMum didn’t say anything about it not even Well done! or Good boy! She just did standing and staring. I went round the front of her and she wasn’t blinking or anything. I got scared then because she was like King Midas’s daughter in my book — except not gold — so I went down the garden and went in the shed. I’m not really allowed. After a little while I came out. I could see through the back door that she was still standing there so I went to the door and shouted MUM! like that. Really loud. She did a big jump (but her feet were still on the ground) and said Oh God! Then she said Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God. Help me Frankie I have to go. You have to come with me. You can’t go to Gran’s and she ran upstairs to the toilet and ran down again. She got our coats and her handbag and then she ran upstairs again to find some money to put in it. She was saying Come on and Oh God oh God oh God. She doesn’t even believe in God so I don’t know what she was talking about.

  We ran all the way down to the bus stop on the Barnham road and there was one coming so that was lucky. And we got seats. MyMum couldn’t find her purse. She kept saying Sorry I’m sorry. Sorry. The bus conductor said take your time love. No rush. Then she found it. The bus conductor said You look after these now and gave me the tickets. I said Thank you. It was the first thing I had said since I said Mum. I was too scared to talk. When he had gone MyMum said No! I haven’t got my watch. But nobody heard except me because she was sort of saying it to the inside of her handbag. Then she patted my knee and said We can only do our best. Dear God. She sounded like she had been running a race.

  The bus conductor said Central Station and we got off. I told MyMum it took four minutes and seventeen seconds and she said That’s nice look for Waterloo. She was looking at the blackboard. I said Is that where we’re going? And she said Just look for it for God’s sake. I’m good at looking so I found it first. I said There it is and MyMum said Platform three RUN! like someone was coming after us. And then she said NO! we don’t have our tickets! so we ran back the way we had just come and bought one and a half tickets. The man said Platform three but you’ll have to wait for the next one only she didn’t hear the last bit because she was already running. She turned back and grabbed my hand. She held it up high so my feet were sort of dangling on my legs. I nearly fell lots of times and then a big black man sort of scooped me up and ran along with me beside her. You could hear the engine of the train really loud. The man put me down because we had to stop to get our tickets punched before we could go through. My Mum said Thank you Thank you Thank you. The man said Slow down. It won’t leave without you.

  We went in the first door that was open. A man got up to shut it and said This carriage is First Class and MyMum said Rhymes with arse. I’d get a smack for that. Then we went walking along between the seats and opened a door at the end where you could go through to the next carriage. The next carriage was just the same so we had to walk again and go through to the next one. I stopped half way with one foot on one bit and one foot on the other and Mum said Frankie! but she meant hurry up. After a whole lot of walking we found a seat to sit in. MyMum let me have the one with the window so I was really happy.

  MyMum wasn’t. She put her hands over her face like pretending to hide from a baby and then she got a hanky out (so that’s two things like Gordon Knight.) I said are you sad?

  She said A bit.

  I said I’ll cheer you up. Do you want to hear a story?

  She said Can I close my eyes?

  I said All right. I told her the one about the three billy goats gruff but when I got to the third billy goat she put her hands over her eyes again so I stopped. She didn’t say Carry on or And? or anything so I didn’t. I don’t think she was really listening.

  After that we didn’t say anything. Not one word. MyMum did staring and I did kicking the seat with my heels.

  At Basingstoke a man got in and sat next to me and crossed his legs. He went out again nearly straightaway to find another seat.

  MyMum smiled.
She said Good boy. It was a bit late to say that but I smiled anyway.

  We stopped loads of times after Basingstoke — actually eleven. MyMum said it was a slow train. We waited in the corridor for Waterloo (which is a really funny name but I didn’t think MyMum was in the mood to hear a joke so I didn’t bother). When you stand in the corridor it is quite interesting because you are going to Waterloo sideways. We got there really quickly even though our train was slow.

  We went through another gate and when we were on the other side we stood still. Like we were Hansel and Gretel in the wood. MyMum turned back to ask the man collecting tickets which way to Guy’s Hospital. I didn’t even know we were going to a hospital. I stood really still like my feet were nailed down. I was trying to stop the screaming that was starting to come up my neck.

  I can’t tell you what happened next because everything was too loud and too many people were holding me and moving me about. And then I saw MyMum’s face right up close looking at me. We were on the ground by a lamppost in the middle of the floor and she was holding me tight and she was the one doing rocking not me. She was sort of doing it for me. Then she said Please. Can we go now? We’re not actually Going To Hospital. We’re only going to visit Uncle Jack.

  My throat hurt so I just did a nod. I saw some money on the ground by MyMum’s handbag when I got up and I wanted it. MyMum said Leave it.

  We were still inside the station so we went outside and MyMum asked the way to Guy’s again. She asked a lady and a man this time. They told her. Actually they told her three times but I already remembered it the first time. Then the lady looked at me and said Your little legs are going to be tired.

  I said No they’re not.

  And she said Hmmpf.

  The hospital was even bigger than the one I have to go to find out why I am not normal but it had the same smell. I held my nose.

  MyMum told me not to so I did hardly-breathing instead.

  We asked people where to go and we did reading on the walls and a lot of walking. We went in the lift and came down again and then went up again. When we got out MyMum said hold on a bit I’m not quite ready and she did a lot of looking in her handbag. She wiped her nose on her sleeve so I gave her my hanky.