by Knight, Amie
I crept closer and my fingers tingled at the prospect of touching that bottle and pulling out the note. So maybe it did give me the fuzzies a little bit, but it also scared the hell out of me.
My heart picked up speed along with my breath as I laid my big purse on the desk and dissected the bottle from up close. A small piece of white notebook paper sat on the inside. I finally reached down and grabbed the bottle, like a helpless seventeen-year-old girl all over again. I couldn’t afford to be that girl anymore.
And still, I turned it over and slipped the tips of two fingers inside. I didn’t make the mistake of flipping it over and shaking it. No, I was a professional remover of notes from bottles. I’d had lots of practice and even though I was scared I still smiled as I unfolded the letter and saw the familiar scribble of Adam’s handwriting.
Meet me in the field where I can see you beneath the stars. Tonight.
That was all it said and I clutched that letter to my chest, like I did when I was younger and he’d leave me these notes in that very bottle. It was exhilarating. It made me want to run away and prevent whatever badness was headed our way, because it seemed like Adam and I had been doomed from the start. And we weren’t in a much better place now.
Secrets were just lies we carried inside, corrupting and corroding the truth from the inside out. I fully expected Adam’s to destroy us. And yet, I couldn’t stay away. I couldn’t not kiss him. Not love him. Not meet him in the damn field I was sure had taken away everything I’d loved. So, I worked the day away without a word from Adam, which was weird except for the fact I knew he was avoiding me so I couldn’t tell him no about tonight. And by the time six o’clock had rolled around and the last kid was picked up, I’d decided I’d go. How could I not?
So, I packed up the rec room and then headed home where I picked up Harry, who’d provide a nice buffer between Adam and me. I changed into a pair of black yoga pants and a big hoodie because it was a cold night. I checked the clock. I still had time. It wasn’t quite dark when I drove to the field, a pit of dread in the bottom of my stomach and butterflies dancing at the top. I parked on the side of the street like I always did and stared at the field. I could see Adam there waiting, a blanket in his hands. He wanted to revisit the past and I wanted to forget it.
I grabbed Harry’s leash and he climbed out my side of the car.
“I see you brought Laelaps.” He gestured toward Harry, who had the gall to walk over to Adam and sit beside him and lean on his legs, while I still held the leash. “Hey, Harry.” Adam gave his head a rub.
He was wearing a T-shirt and jeans, his leather jacket over it and a black beanie on his head that covered his ears. He was still the most devastatingly handsome boy I’d ever seen.
“Shall we?” He gestured to the field that was half full of building supplies and equipment.
I bit my lip. “I don’t know, Adam. I don’t want to trespass.” I eyed the sold sign about a hundred feet away, but I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking that nothing good had ever come from this field. It had been the beginning of the end for so many events in my life.
“Come on, Livvy.” He held his hand out and I wanted to take it. It had been so long since I could depend on someone and I was scared, but still I placed my hand in his. I owed him that at least, right? He’d been put in prison because of me.
We walked to our old spot, which fortunately hadn’t been disturbed by the building supplies, and Adam fanned out the blanket he’d brought for us to lie on.
My breath caught and my hand flew to my chest in an effort to keep my rapidly beating heart still there because it might fly right out of my chest.
I stepped forward, pulling the blanket from his hands. My eyes burned with emotion as I studied it, turning it over with my fingers until I found the edge I was looking for. And there it was, the small spot right at the corner that was unraveling.
I’d been fifteen and Harry had gotten ahold and chewed it before I’d taken it away.
“How?” I breathed, clutching it to me, cradling it in my arms like the precious thing it was.
“The last time we were together here I carried it home and you never took it from me. I was going to give it to you the next time we met at the field, but that never happened. My dad had it. He packed it up with all my other belongings when he moved to California.”
A tear slipped down my cheek. It seemed like all I’d done since Adam had been back was cry, but at least these were happy tears. I fanned the blanket out like I had a million times before in this spot and Harry immediately settled right in the middle of it.
Adam chuckled as he settled himself down on the other side of Harry.
He reclined on the blanket, his hands behind his head. He looked over at me.
“Are you going to sit there all night or are you going to lie back so you can see the stars?”
“I think I’m just going to sit here,” I deadpanned.
He smiled a devastating smile, the kind that gave me the fever. “Lie back and look up, Livvy.”
Damn his Livvys and his sweet smiles. I lay back, copying his pose and using my arms to cradle my head with a sigh. It was so cold, my breath was a puff of smoke in front of my face.
“It’s cold out tonight,” I commented, looking over at Adam, who was already studying the stars. Anything so I didn’t have to look up. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. It would hurt too badly.
He didn’t even look at me when he asked, “Why don’t you look at the stars anymore, Liv?”
I turned onto my side and pulled Harry closer to me. I’d need to snuggle for the conversation.
“Because it hurts me,” I said quietly. I wouldn’t cry again. I wouldn’t.
This time he turned his head to look at me. “Why does it hurt you?”
“Because it makes me think of all I’ve lost.”
He leaned up on an elbow so we were face-to-face over Harry’s head. Harry turned around and gave him a lick right to the mouth and I laughed despite the seriousness of the situation.
Adam wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand. “Not the kind of kisses I was hoping for tonight.”
I giggled.
Adam’s face got serious. “Just do me a favor. Lie back and look up. For me.”
And that was what did it. I’d do anything for him.
I lay back on my daddy’s blue blanket and looked up at the stars like I’d done at least a hundred times before, but it had never hurt like this.
It was a rare, clear night for the fall in the Carolinas and my heart ached at the star-covered sky. It was beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. A stupid tear slid down my cheek and into my ear and the feel of it reminded me of the night my daddy told me goodbye.
And then I thought of the night they dragged me away from Adam. Another tear trickled into my ear and the sky. It was smothering me with its twinkling lights.
Warm fingers intertwined with mine until they were gripped so tightly I could breathe again. I whooshed out a long breath of air that was followed by a sob.
“So how does it feel? Looking up again?” He squeezed my hand.
I squeezed his back. “It makes me feel so small. So helpless.”
His voice was sad when he said, “I remember when you would look up and feel big, like you could change the world.”
And for the first time in my life I lied to Adam. “I don’t.” But I did. It was like a distant memory, but I remembered when I loved this field and these stars. I remembered marveling at their mere existence and telling myself that if the miracle that was them had happened, then anything could.
“Don’t lie to me, Livingston Rose Montgomery. I can’t stop you from lying to yourself, but don’t you ever lie to me. You remember.”
A steady stream of tears felt strangely cold and warm against my face.
But if he wanted the truth, I’d give it to him. The hard truth. The real one. “I don’t look at the stars because they make me think of you. I don’t look at the stars be
cause then I wonder if you’re looking at them, too. I don’t look at the stars because they make me wonder where you are and what you’re doing and who you’re loving,” I choked out, but I laid it all out there for him to see. “I don’t look at the stars because I don’t deserve them, just like I don’t deserve you.” I didn’t want him to think I was weak because I wasn’t. I didn’t look at the damn stars because I was protecting my already broken heart. I didn’t look at the damn stars because I wanted to be strong.
He sat up and helped Harry move until he was on the other side of himself and there went my buffer. Adam pushed the hair off my forehead and then leaned over me until his elbows bracketed my head. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what I’ve been doing and who I’ve been loving, Liv. It’s never changed for me.”
He brought his hand to my face and brushed away the wetness there with his thumb. “Now, kiss me, Livvy. Kiss me like you did all those years ago when I wouldn’t kiss you. Do you remember the night in the alley in the rain when you were so sure, so unafraid?” His soft eyes were on mine. “Kiss me bravely. Kiss me like you mean it. Kiss me under the stars.”
And with tears on my face and that brave girl somewhere in my heart, I pressed my lips to his. He tasted like smoke and leather and mint and mine.
He groaned into my mouth as I pushed my hands into the back of his hair and up under his beanie. I slid my tongue along his, nipping the small scar on the top of his lip. I took my time tasting him. I hadn’t been able to do that before in his office. I kissed him until his flavors were mine and mine were his.
He backed out of our kiss breathless and pressed his forehead to mine. “Come back to the house with me. I want to show you something,” he panted.
“To the island?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t go to the island, Adam.”
He pushed off me until he was sitting up next to me. “You don’t look at the stars either and yet here we are.”
“Exactly. Let’s keep it to one traumatic event per day, please.” I rolled up on one elbow and reached over, giving Harry’s belly a rub.
His face was thoughtful for a minute before he answered, “Okay.” He lay back down on the blanket. “So, how does it feel to look up again?”
I rolled to my back and looked up. A shooting star shot across the sky, so I pressed my eyes closed. And I made my wish. I hadn’t done that in a long time.
“Not so bad if I’m with you,” I whispered.
It wasn’t long before the slide of his fingers brushed against mine as he eased his hand into mine.
I let out a deep breath and gazed at the star, hoping my wish came true and that I got to keep him. Forever this time.
I WAS FLYING HIGH AS I walked into work at the planetarium. I could have been a comet or a shooting star my feet were so far from the ground, my emotions burning so bright. It had been a few days since Liv and I had lain beneath the stars. I’d felt like it had been some sort of breakthrough.
I was doing my best to do what Raven asked and give Liv time and space. I wouldn’t rush her even if this irrational need to make up for all the time we’d lost suffocated me. Time that was partially my fault. I hadn’t come for her because I didn’t think she wanted me to. But I had kept dibs on her all those years after I was released. I’d made sure she was safe and happy.
I noticed after our night in the field that she didn’t seem to be hiding as much from me. And when I saw her in the hallway at work or in a meeting a sweet pinkness would cross her cheeks and she would smile. And then I’d want to cover that too wide grin with my own lips, kiss the redness of her cheeks away. But I didn’t. I held myself back for her and hopefully when she was ready for more, I would know it.
I walked back to the front desk and greeted Clarissa, the new receptionist, and continued past Cat’s office, giving her a wave, too. I was downright fucking jovial. Until I came to the rec room and saw Braden standing in the doorway. He was there with his back to me, but I’d recognize him anywhere. I could only see the small peek of chestnut hair of a person standing in front of him over his shoulder, but I knew it was Liv.
Anger brewed deep in my chest and blazed outward like a storm inside of me. I stomped forward, ready for a fight, but Braden turned all of a sudden, giving Liv’s hand a shake. I could see her now and the small smile on her face relieved some of the tension in my shoulders, but I was still pissed as hell at Braden. Who did he think he was coming here? This place was mine. My sanctuary away from him and the rest of the bastards on the island. It was a safe haven for Liv and me, and he’d encroached. Twice now.
He walked toward me, meeting me before I could get to the rec room. My eyes found Liv’s wide ones over his shoulder before returning to Braden.
I could have probably started with a more cordial hello, but I couldn’t get him and Liv standing there out of my head. I was seething. “What the hell are you doing here?”
He smirked. “It’s nice to see you, too, Adam.”
“I asked you what the hell you were doing here. And I told you to stay away from Liv,” I ground out. I wanted to rip him apart.
He looked back at Liv standing in the doorway of the rec room and I wanted to kill him. He didn’t get to look at her. She was mine. His gaze came back to me and I glared at him, murderous. “Can we talk in your office?”
I glanced at Liv over his shoulder. “Fine,” I clipped out. But only because I didn’t want him within ten feet of her.
I walked past, my eyes on Liv’s nervous ones as I went to my office, Braden right behind me.
Once inside my office, I closed the door behind us, anxious to get whatever this was the fuck over with. I laid my laptop bag on my desk. “What do you want?”
Braden sat in the chair in front of my desk and leaned back, and I knew in that moment this wasn’t going to be the short conversation I planned for or wanted.
“We need to talk.”
“So, talk,” I deadpanned, pulling my laptop from my bag and setting it on my desk.
“Look, I realize you hate my fucking guts, but can you just stop what you’re doing and give me one fucking minute of your time?”
“I already gave you three years,” I clipped.
He was silent, so I stopped, looking up at the seriousness on his face. “Fine.” I sat down in the leather chair behind my desk and gave him my undivided attention. “Go.”
He leaned back, staring at me, practically through me before he said, “I remember her.”
Something about the way he said her made the pit in my stomach ache. “I’m sorry. What?”
“Your mother. I remember her.”
That pit in my stomach erupted into fire. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t talk about her with this man. He didn’t understand. He didn’t know. How could he?
I shook my head back and forth slowly, but before I could tell him we weren’t discussing my mother he kept going. “She was always so nice to me, Mrs. Nova. She used to make me the best pastélon.”
Saliva filled my mouth and I reached for a bottle of water from the bottom drawer of my desk, my hand shaking as I opened it. I didn’t want to talk about my mother’s pastélon or how kind she was with this man. She’d made that for my father and me. I didn’t want to share memories of my mother with Braden. His father had murdered my mother and hurt her so terribly. It seemed like a betrayal to her memory to talk about her with him.
“I was only seven or eight at the time, but I remember her kind eyes. My father had full custody of me, but he was hardly home, and she helped take care of me after school every day.”
I nodded, at a loss for words. Why was he doing this? What was the fucking point of this conversation? I knew my mother had worked there.
My nostrils flared as anger beat inside me so hard I wanted to scream. I met his eyes, ready to scream at him to get the fuck out, but his eyes only shined back at me, full of sympathy and sadness.
“I’m sorry for whatever he did to her, Adam. I only know
she was there one day and not the next. I don’t know what happened, but I’m sure it had to do with my father.” He swallowed hard and stared at the floor next to his chair, his hands steepled together, his blond hair disheveled.
My jaw ticked. How much and what did he know? “What makes you think it was your father?”
“I don’t know, but I can guess. I’ve done some looking around.” He ran a hand through his hair and let out a long breath. “See, my parents have been divorced as long as I can remember, my dad with full custody. I still saw my mother some on weekends. I never understood why she didn’t want me with her.”
Jesus, I could only guess where this was going and it didn’t seem like it was anywhere good. I didn’t really want to hear what came next.
“She finally told me last summer that he had hurt her and threatened that she’d never see me again if she told anyone.” He shrugged. “I always thought she didn’t want me, but now I know better.”
Fuck. This was a fucked up mess. What did he want me to do with this information? I just stared at him. I was sure the confusion about what I was supposed to do about all of this was evident on my face.
“I’m only telling you this to say I’m sorry, man. About everything. Your mom was a nice lady. I was sorry to hear she’d passed.”
He didn’t know that part. I sat there, debating if I should say anything, but the guy already looked so broken at the knowledge that his father was a liar, assaulted women, and abused his mother. I couldn’t lay a murder on him right then, too. I couldn’t do that to him, no matter our pasts and what he’d done to me.
I nodded, the world imploding around me. What in the hell was going on?
Braden stood up and outstretched his hand. “I should get going. I don’t want to waste any more of your time.”