Last Resort of Murder (A Lacy Steele Mystery Book 9)

by Vanessa Gray Bartal

  “Okay,” Lacy drawled. She needed to decelerate Riley’s anger before she took off the baby and went hand-to-hand with one of Tosh’s sisters. “Where do we bunk, roomie?”

  “The staff will get your bags.” She flicked her fingers toward the eager-looking bellhops standing by the entrance. “Come and meet Sven.”

  “Sven?” Lacy said.

  “Sven,” Riley repeated.

  “I guess I’m going to go meet Sven,” Lacy said to Jason.

  “Have fun?” he said.

  “I’ll catch up with you later,” she said.

  “Okay, lovebirds, say goodbye before I throw up in my mouth,” Riley said.

  “So, how’s that sleep deprivation coming? Is it having any negative effects? On your mood, perhaps?” Lacy said as she trotted dutifully behind her sister who could walk alarmingly fast for someone who had delivered a baby only a few weeks ago.

  “Sleep deprivation isn’t what’s altering my mood. It’s them.”

  “How many of them showed up?” Tosh had about a million sisters and brothers.

  “Three, but one would have been too many,” Riley said. “In here.” She opened a door and ushered Lacy inside. Her mother, Kimber, and Tosh’s sisters were already there. They stood worshipfully around a man, or at least Lacy thought he was a man. He might have been a statue, so perfect was his physique. He was tall, six feet at least, and so impeccably muscled that Lacy reached out to poke his bicep to make sure it hadn’t been chiseled out of granite.

  “Imprethive, ithn’t it?” he said.

  Lacy blinked at him.

  “You could have muthles like thith, too, if you follow my advithe.”

  “Um…,” Lacy said. It wasn’t that the lisp bothered her so much as the incongruity of a speech impediment emerging from such perfection. Casting about for something to say, “Is Sven your real name?” was all she could come up with.

  He laughed. “No, they make uth take Thwith-thounding nameth. They wanted me to be Thor, but I chothe Thven.”

  “Really? On purpose?” Lacy said and Kimber elbowed her in the ribs.

  “Okay, ladieth, I want to know who ith ready to get thkinny,” Sven said. Lacy raised her hand. She was the only one.

  “I’m here for the massages,” Kimber said.

  “I want a mud bath,” Frannie said.

  “I want to sleep,” Riley said.

  “We’re here to ski,” one of Tosh’s sisters said.

  “You’re dithmithed, have a wonderful vithit at Torthten Rethort,” Sven said before focusing his crystal blue eyes exclusively on Lacy. “Lookth like it’th jutht you and me. What’th your name, thweetheart?”

  “Joan,” Lacy said. She hadn’t meant to lie, but she couldn’t hear him call her “Lathy” all weekend and keep a straight face, she just couldn’t.

  “All right, Joan, begin with thith.” He handed her a large glass of dark green liquid. Where had it come from? Had he been holding it the whole time? The lack of answers made the potion seem more magical.

  “What is it?” Lacy asked in an awed whisper. She took a sniff, but it didn’t smell like anything.

  “I will anthwer thith quethtion and then no otherth: thith ith juithe. It will invigorate and detoxth you. And from now on, you will trutht my judgment completely. Do we have a deal?”

  “We have a deal, Sven,” Lacy said and downed the juice. It was bad, but she’d had worse. In her current self-flagellating mood, the green goo rather cheered her. At least she was being proactive in her move to get her body back under control.

  “Let’th get thtarted with our extherthithe.”

  “Now?”

  “Now, and don’t complain. You could have it worthe—you could have Jill.”

  “Who is Jill?” Lacy asked.

  “You’ll thee,” Sven said, his tone sounding ominous.

  A half hour later, Lacy knew who Jill was. She was Snap’s trainer, unfortunately for him. While Sven liked to pretend he was a mystic who had somehow conjured the secrets to a smoking hot body, Jill took the drill sergeant approach. She yelled at Snaps who proved that he had grown in the years since high school. There had been a time many years ago when one negative word from his choir teacher had sent Snaps into a torrent of tears. Lacy could remember distinctly the time he missed a note and ran off stage—his scoliosis brace snapping in time to his sobs. And now, while being called a pathetic slob by an attractive fitness instructor, he maintained his smile and even managed a cheery wave at Lacy.

  “You know him?” Sven asked.

  “An old pal from high school,” Lacy said.

  “What’th hith name?”

  “Tim,” Lacy lied. She couldn’t hear him called, “Thnapth,” not when she was trying to lift half her weight in kettlebells. Besides, for all she knew Snap’s real name might be Tim. No one had ever taken the time to find out.

  “Feel the bad vibeth thlipping away ath you exthale,” Sven whispered as Lacy did rep after rep. She was going to giggle, and then she would drop the weight on her foot and crush it. She tuned Sven out and focused on Jill.

  “Come on you roly-poly mealworm. Pedal, pedal, pedal. Pretend there’s a doughnut at the end of this ride. Do it, do it, do it,” she shouted to poor Snaps who was already pedaling at such a furious pace he was wheezing. He had asthma, Lacy remembered. She hoped he was carrying his inhaler. With the way Jill was working him, he was going to need it.

  “Time for thquaths,” Sven said, interrupting her reverie. These he did with her, only he felt compelled to yell the word, “THQUAT!” every time they reached the crouching position until Lacy thought she might explode if she didn’t find an outlet for her suppressed snickers.

  She put up her hand. “Can I have a bathroom break, please?”

  “Ath long ath you thwear you’re not going to thtuff your fathe with thomething,” Sven said.

  “No way,” Lacy said. The words “I thwear” had almost popped out. She would have to be extremely careful about what she said in case she accidentally adapted his manner of speech. He would never believe she wasn’t making fun of him. Worse, she couldn’t be sure she wasn’t. It was better to avoid saying anything with S’s for the duration of her time with him.

  “Be fatht,” he said.

  “Quick,” she promised and dashed out of the room. She rounded the corner and ran headlong into Jason, Michael, Tosh, and her father. Her dad was holding a basketball. She collapsed against Jason, so thankful to be able to laugh freely that she began to giggle maniacally.

  Jason shook her gently. “How many of those seaweed blobs have you eaten?” he asked.

  “It’s not that, it’s my trainer. He’s….I can’t even…”

  “So, you’re actually laughing. This isn’t the mental breakdown it appears to be,” Michael said.

  Lacy nodded and wiped her eyes. “I’ll fill you in later. I have to get back. I promised to be fatht.”

  Jason caught her hand before she could dart away. “Hey, apparently they have an awesome restaurant here. Want to have dinner? With just me, the two of us, no one else?”

  “It feels as though he’s trying to tell us something, but the subtlety is lost on me,” Michael said.

  “That sounds awesome. I can’t wait,” Lacy said. She gave him a peck on the cheek and ran back to Sven in time for him to hand her another green drink. She was about to ask him if she had to drink it even though she wasn’t hungry. One of his eyebrows quirked, reminding her she had promised to trust him. She downed the icky drink in four gulps and they continued their training.

  An hour later, he handed her over to Uma. Lacy was fairly certain that was an assumed Swiss-sounding name because Uma was black. “We’re here to help you on your detox journey,” Uma said.

  “I’ll thee you later,” Sven said. “Follow the thcript I gave you, Joan.”

  Lacy promised him she would be good and stick with his program.

  “First, we’re going to scrub you,” Uma said.

  Lacy didn’t
like the “we” part of that sentence. She imagined a pit crew of people sponging her unmentionables. But it turned out that Uma was the type of person who said, “we” for everything, like the queen. She handed Lacy a tub of sea salt scrub, told her to slather her body, and then instructed her to soak on one of the large tubs.

  “We have this water dehydrogenated for our guests,” Uma said.

  “So, it’s just oxygen?” Lacy said, but Uma ignored her. When Uma left, Lacy dutifully slathered the salt all over her body and slipped into the tub. Whether it was because of the “dehydrogenation” or because it was warm and soothing, Lacy found the bath to be extremely enjoyable. She could have stayed in there all day except for the fact that Sven poked his head in.

  “Thweat out thothe toxthinth, Joan,” he said. He gave her the thumb’s up and disappeared before Lacy could do more than put a hand over her stomach. Why her first instinct was to cover that spot when so much more of her was exposed she had no idea. At first she was incensed at the invasion of privacy, but when she studied the tub, she realized it was too deep and too angled away from the door for Sven to have seen anything.

  Uma returned a short while later with another green drink. “Compliments of Sven.” Lacy, who was thirsty after her long bath, downed the juice without question. Maybe it was her imagination, but the drinks were beginning to taste kind of good.

  “Next we’re going to do a wrap,” Uma said.

  “You can beat box?” Lacy said.

  “A seaweed wrap,” Uma clarified.

  “Oh,” Lacy said. And, with no way to recover after that, she lay quietly while Uma wrapped her in a seaweed concoction. It occurred to her how many ways she was coming in contact with seaweed this weekend, first in her snack wads, then through the bath. She was also fairly certain there must be some in the putridly green drink.

  “If seaweed is so good for you, whales and dolphins must never get sick. It’s a wonder they don’t live forever,” she mused.

  Uma didn’t reply.

  After the wrap was finished, Uma sat Lacy down for a little talk. Lacy thought for sure she was going to question her mental wellbeing, but she didn’t. Instead she wanted to talk about cosmetics.

  “Your deodorant is killing you,” Uma announced in the same voice she might have said, “The sky is cloudy.”

  “I did catch it holding a knife the other day,” Lacy said, but Uma’s expression remained unchanged. Lacy tried again. “How so, Uma?”

  “By altering your body’s natural chemistry, by denying beneficial bacteria.” She reached into a drawer and pulled out a pink rock. “Do you know what this is?”

  “The Dark Crystal?” Lacy guessed.

  “It’s salt, and it’s Mother Nature’s deodorant.”

  “I didn’t know Mother Nature had B.O.,” Lacy said and immediately began to wonder how much longer it would be before Uma punched her in the face. Judging by her placid expression, she had awhile to go.

  “For the duration of your stay, we want you to give up your harmful antiperspirant and use this instead.”

  Lacy almost asked if she could also use it on popcorn, but decided against it.

  “In your room you will find organic, all natural hair products. Use those instead of what you normally use,” Uma said.

  “Done,” Lacy agreed.

  “Now, about your makeup.”

  “What about my makeup?” Lacy asked, a bit defensively.

  “Are you aware that your mascara likely contains bat guano?”

  “Wouldn’t that be considered an organic ingredient?” Lacy asked.

  “It’s bat poop,” Uma said, losing her cool for the first time.

  “What do you want me to do?” Lacy asked.

  “We want you to see the beauty in your natural complexion.”

  “You’ve obviously never seen me first thing in the morning,” Lacy said.

  “We would prefer that you use a natural, mineral-based powder, like this.” She just so happened to have some makeup handy, and it just so happened to have the resort’s logo on it. Normally Lacy wouldn’t have fallen for the ploy, but since Tosh was paying…

  “I’ll take it,” Lacy said. A little bit of powder wouldn’t begin to put a dent in his trust fund.

  “Excellent. Now Sven would like to see you again.”

  Surely he wasn’t going to make Lacy lift weights again. There was already a distinct chance she wouldn’t be able to walk tomorrow.

  “Thwim, Joan,” Sven commanded as he handed her a bathing suit and led her to the pool.

  “Swimming is my thing, Sven,” Lacy said. “This isn’t going to feel like work.”

  “We’ll thee,” he said.

  Lacy ducked into the locker room to change. When she emerged, Jill and Snaps were standing by the pool. “Jill and I thought thinth you and Tim are buddieth we would have you thwim together,” Sven said.

  “Sweet,” Snaps said. “A little friendly competition, like the old days.”

  “No one said anything about competition,” Lacy said.

  “Are you scared?” Jill asked. She feigned rubbing tears from her eyes.

  “Of you? Yes. Of swimming? No,” Lacy said.

  “Come on, Lacy, for old time’s sake,” Snaps said.

  “Sure,” Lacy agreed.

  Sven walked her to the edge of the pool. “Why doeth Tim keep calling you Lathy?”

  “Nickname, but I hate it. Please don’t use it,” Lacy said.

  “Thure thing,” Sven said. He helped her into the pool. “You got thith, Joan.”

  “You’d better win this, you fat maggot, or I’m going to rip off your head and puke down your neck,” Jill said to Snaps.

  Lacy and Snaps lined up at the end of the pool. “Ready, thet, go!” Sven called, and they were off.

  “DO IT, YOU MONKEY-FACED LITTLE TROLL!” Jill screamed over and over.

  “Thwim, Joan, thwim!” Sven called encouragingly.

  For Lacy, swimming was never a problem. Like a seal, it was what she was built for. Even after the grueling workout from earlier, she didn’t feel tired as she swam lap after lap. Snaps was growing weary, she could tell. A part of her wanted to let him win so he wouldn’t get in trouble with his trainer. But the competitive, oldest-child part of her took over and she beat him soundly.

  “Good swim,” Snaps said, high fiving her.

  “I hope you’ll never have children so they’ll never learn what a failed disappointment to humanity you are,” Jill said to Snaps, adding. “See you first thing in the morning for more.”

  “I’m tho proud of you, Joan. Drink up,” Sven said. Another green potion appeared magically in front of her.

  “How are you doing this?” Lacy asked. She took the cup and drained it.

  “A trainer never revealth hith thecreth,” Sven said. “Have a good evening. No cheating.”

  Lacy gave him a little salute. He left and she was alone with Snaps.

  “I’m so sorry,” Lacy said.

  “About what?” Snaps asked.

  “Your trainer. She’s insane.”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, but it doesn’t bother me. I’ve found over the years that having a woman scream at me is excellent motivation. Freud would have a field day with me. What about you?”

  “I don’t like having a woman scream at me,” Lacy said.

  “No, I mean how are you? How’s life treating you?”

  “Really well. It’s true what they say that it does get better after high school.”

  “You look…wow. The ugly duckling definitely turned into a swan.”

  “Thank you, I think,” she said.

  “That was a compliment, mixed with a bit of envy. I’m still the same little doughboy I was then. The only difference is that my spine is straighter and I don’t clap when I walk. My changes are more internal, and they’ve brought me peace.”

  “I’m glad to hear it, Snaps.”

  “Plus I’m loaded now, so there’s that,” he said.

  She laugh
ed. “Good for you. Let me guess—you won the lottery.”

  “I was born with two left feet, a spine shaped like an ‘S,’ and a penchant for show tunes. Do I seem like the type of guy who would win the lottery? No, I develop software. I’m into apps.”

  “Sounds fascinating.”

  “Liar. I do it for a living, and even I think it’s boring. But I make piles of money, so I can’t complain.” He glanced at the clock. “What are you doing for supper? Can we continue this conversation? I’ll even let you bring your boyfriend.”

  “That sounds great, Snaps, but I promised that boyfriend a night of having Lacy all to himself. Rain check?”

  “Absolutely,” he said. “Tomorrow, maybe, if Jill doesn’t kill me.”

  “With her sterling temperament, I’d be surprised if someone doesn’t kill her first,” Lacy said.

  They grabbed robes and walked out of the pool area, laughing together.

  Chapter 5

  “You look amazing,” Jason said. He stood on the other side of her door wearing khakis and a shirt the color of charcoal gray she found irresistible on him.

  “You look fairly spectacular yourself,” she said. She stood on her toes and kissed him. He smelled as delicious as he looked, like peppermint, aftershave, and self-confidence. She could only hope she didn’t stink like rotting fish after her day of seaweed-induced detox.

  “I look the same as I look every day for work. You, though, are eye-popping.”

  For once, Lacy agreed with him. She was wearing a dress Riley had bought for her from the resort’s boutique. It was green to match her eyes, a rare thoughtful present from her little sister. If I can’t wear expensive, pretty things, someone should, Riley had said. And despite using a slab of salt as deodorant and wearing minimal makeup, Lacy felt like she was glowing, inside and out. Maybe there was something to all this clean, healthy eating. Maybe she would keep it up after she left the spa.

  “Thank you,” Lacy said. They walked hand in hand to the resort’s highly rated restaurant. Jason held her chair for her. As she sat, her stomach gurgled ominously. She blamed it on low blood sugar and picked up a menu.

  “Are you eating people food tonight?” Jason asked.