by Meghan Sloan
“That doesn’t make me feel any better.” Cassandra ran her hands through her hair. She felt like her head was about to explode. “Oh, God, this is a mess. I don’t know what to do.”
She had been in a complete daze ever since Gabriel ran away from her. And run away he did. But not before Cassandra saw the look of horror in his eyes. Not horror at her, but at what they did. He knew as well as she did what they had done was wrong. If he hadn’t stopped, they would have taken it further.
Not exactly how she wanted to lose her virginity, but Cassandra had been so on fire that she hadn’t really cared at that point. She just wanted to feel Gabriel inside her. Become a wanton woman for the first time in her life. The thrill that they were doing it close enough for people to hear them had certainly spurred her on.
But Gabriel had stopped. Which was the right thing to do. He had realised that they couldn’t have this. And Cassandra had seen the way he dropped his head as he left; he knew he had messed up badly.
Not as much as you have. He took a chunk of you as he left the room. You’re not getting that back anytime soon.
“Oh, Cassie.” Emily rose to her feet and stopped Cassandra’s pacing. She took her friend’s hand, giving her a look of sympathy that had Cassandra wanting to cry. “I know you need to do something, but you’re not going to like it.”
“You don’t need to tell me.” She was going to have to tell Percy that she couldn’t court him anymore. Cassandra swallowed. “He’s going to be heartbroken.”
“He doesn’t need to know the reason. You don’t owe him a justification beyond ‘it’s not working out’,” Emily insisted. “If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to remain friends with him. Percy’s a sweet man, and he wouldn’t hold it against you if you were honest about it now.”
“Sweet is certainly how I can describe him.”
Far too sweet for Cassandra. He would be perfect for any young woman. Just not her. Emily’s expression softened.
“Sweet, kind, considerate, quiet and gentle, even-tempered...there’s so much I could say about him.”
“I noticed.” Cassandra peered at her friend. She hadn’t seen Emily look so dreamy about a man before. “Is something going on between you two that I should know about?”
“What?” Emily blinked. “What do you mean?”
“Do you have a fancy for Percy Tattershall?”
Emily’s eyes widened. Then her face went bright red and she dropped Cassandra’s hands.
“No. Why would I have a fancy for him?” She touched her hair, absently tucking it behind her ear. “We’re not socially compatible. Even if we had feelings for each other, it wouldn’t be permitted.”
But Cassandra knew otherwise. She could tell just by looking at her friend. Emily was in love with the younger Tattershall brother. She had sensed there was something between the two of themwhen she first met Percy, but Emily had kept herself at a distance and vaguely aloof. It was like she was trying too hard.
God, to have feelings for a man and know that your closest friend was in courtship with him? That had to hurt. A lot. Cassandra sighed.
“Oh, Emily.” She hugged her friend. “You and I are a mess, aren’t we?”
“You have no idea how right you are,” Emily sighed. “Do you want me to come with you to talk to Percy?”
“Aunt Alice is coming with me. I’m heading up there this afternoon.” Cassandra squeezed Emily’s arm. “I just needed to see you. There are some things I certainly can’t tell my aunt.”
Like that a former rake had his hand up her skirts and Cassandra had let him do it. That she was most definitely not sharing with Alice. She would be horrified, and then she would be letting her father know.
Ernest would be furious, and Cassandra didn’t want to have him disappointed. He wasn’t well enough, as it was, without having to hear about his daughter giving in to baser instincts with a man completely inappropriate for her.
“Oh, Cassie,” Emily hugged her close. “I wish there was something I could say that could make this better. But we both know this is the right thing to do.”
“It is.” Cassandra bit her lip. She wouldn’t not cry. Not now. “Doesn’t mean we have to like it.”
Emily’s expression said she agreed wholeheartedly.
#
Cassandra was not looking forward to this. She had turned down men before. In society, it was often the woman who was permitted to break off a courtship, and Cassandra had no problem with doing that. But this was different. This one had a knot in her stomach that wouldn’t shift as she and Alice had made their way in their carriage up to the Tattershall estate. And the knot kept tightening the closer they got.
Giving in to Gabriel had been dangerous. Cassandra knew any association with him wasn’t good, but that hadn’t stopped her falling for him. She felt it with every part of her body when he was in the room. And Cassandra found herself wanting to throw herself into his arms. Even when they were arguing.
All they seemed to do was argue. That was hardly a good thing when it came to being compatible. But it just seemed to make the attraction build even more. It increased the tension, which threatened to explode when Gabriel touched her and kissed her.
Touched her intimately.
Cassandra shoved that aside. She was not about to think that, not with her aunt sitting across from her. Alice was normally open-minded, but even she would be horrified with the direction Cassandra’s thoughts were going in. Cassandra huddled miserably in her cloak and stared out the window, mentally going over what she was going to say.
She had to be gentle about it but also make Percy aware of exactly what she was saying. There had been moments when the men she had courted hadn’t taken stock of what she had said, and Cassandra had had to be a little blunter about it, which resulted in her getting called some names. Percy didn’t seem the type to do that, and Cassandra hoped he would understand.
She didn’t want to lead him on. He was a nice man. A very nice one. And now she knew that Emily was in love with him herself, Cassandra knew there was another reason not to be courting Percy; she wasn’t about to lose her closest friend over someone else.
She should have kept her hands to herself. Then this wouldn’t be happening.
Oh, it would be happening. It’s just happening now because you found an excuse not to draw it out for the sake of someone else.
The Tattershall home came into sight and Cassandra felt her heart start to race. She was not looking forward to this. How could she get so worked up about something she had done many times before? It was ridiculous. Cassandra prided herself in being confident enough to speak her mind when needed.
Then again, Gabriel Tattershall hadn’t been involved.
The carriage stopped in the drive and Cassandra and her aunt were helped out. According to the footman, Lord and Lady Tattershall were not in at that moment, but Percy was, taking a walk in the gardens. Cassandra turned to Alice.
“Stay close, but out of sight. I need to talk to Mr. Tattershall privately.”
“Of course. You know I can do that.” Alice frowned, “Are you going to tell me what’s going on? You’ve been out of sorts all day.”
“I’ll explain what I can later.” Most of it. But not all of it. Alice turned to the footman. “We’ll walk around the side of the house. No need to show us inside.”
“Very good, Miss Seton.”
Her heart feeling like it was going much too fast, Cassandra headed to the side of the house. She had taken a brief walk in the gardens before, and they were vast. Picturesque, but vast. How the gardeners kept on top of keeping everything as beautiful as it was, Cassandra had no idea. She was sure her back would go after ten minutes.
Percy was by a fish pond beside the terrace. He was crouching by the pond and seemed to be feeding them with something from a ceramic bowl. Cassandra found herself stopping in her tracks to watch him. He looked so serene when he was like this, as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
He looked
a lot like Gabriel as well, but he wasn’t Gabriel. Percy was cool while Gabriel was hot. He worked on a different song sheet, one that suited his pace of life. Gabriel just picked up whatever sheet was nearest him.
Cassandra wished she could have that sort of mentality. Percy was certainly a perfectly stoic husband for someone. It just wouldn’t be her.
Taking a deep breath, Cassandra stepped through the archway. Percy looked up, blinking in surprise when he saw her.
“Miss Seton. This is a surprise.”
“Mr. Tattershall.”
Percy rose to his feet and put the bowl on the bench behind him. Then he came around the pond. Cassandra allowed him to take her hand and press a kiss to her fingers. He straightened up and looked at her with a frown.
“What are you doing here?”
“I…” Cassandra swallowed. Then her words came out in a rush. “Forgive me for this, but it couldn’t wait. I know I should have told you in advance…”
“No, of course not. I’m happy to see you.” Percy offered her his arm, “Come on, we can go for a walk in the gardens.”
“All right.” Cassandra looked over her shoulder to see Alice under the archway. “I’ll be fine, Aunt Alice. You can rest, if you wish.”
“Are you sure, dear?”
“As long as you keep me in sight, make the most of it.”
“All right.” Alice still looked suspicious. “But don’t stray too far. My eyesight won’t be sharp forever.”
Cassandra kept a bright smile on her face and nodded in acquiescence. She knew her aunt was going to be questioning her all the way back to Ipswich, especially after the sudden way Cassandra had asked her to accompany her to the Tattershall home. Cassandra didn’t know if she would be able to answer everything at this point. She wasn’t even sure she could answer her own questions.
Percy glanced over his shoulder as he led Cassandra away from the fish pond.
“Is there a reason you wanted your aunt to stay behind?”
“She knows I need to speak with you. I wanted nobody to overhear this.”
“You didn’t want her to hear what?” Percy frowned. “I’m getting concerned now, Miss Seton. What is it?”
“I….”
Cassandra opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She had sorted out a little speech in her head, ready to go. But now she was here with the man in question, and she was all tongue-tied. She couldn’t think of what to say anymore. So much for having rehearsed this all the way up.
“Percy…” She tried again, but it just wasn’t happening.
“Was there something more to that other than practicing my name?”
Cassandra grimaced. She took Percy’s hand and led him onto the terrace. Alice could still see them from there, and even if she couldn’t, they were in the open space where anyone could see them from the house. What she had to do certainly couldn’t be done in private; Cassandra wasn’t about to give anyone the wrong idea.
Percy was looking at her oddly. Cassandra knew she must be acting like a madwoman right now. Taking a step back from Percy, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“You’re a sweet man, Percy. A good one, too. And I’m sure you’ll make a good husband to someone. But it won’t be me.”
“It won’t?” Percy frowned. “Are you saying to me what I think you’re saying?”
Cassandra felt her throat tightening. She swallowed hard.
“There...I’ve tried so much and I do like you. Really. You’re a breath of fresh air to me. But I can’t love you, and if I do marry it will be for love.” That was a lot less harsh in her head than it was out loud. “I don’t want to lead you on any further and make it worse for us. I…” She rubbed at her eyes. She felt awful now. “Forgive me, Percy, this is very difficult for me to do.”
Percy was silent. Cassandra hated that silence. Bracing herself, she lowered her hands. Percy was regarding her with bewilderment. But he didn’t look angry, or upset. If anything, he looked...resigned.
Resigned?
“I must say,” Percy grunted, rubbing the back of his neck, “I can’t admit that I’m surprised about this.”
“Can’t you?”
“Not really.” Percy gave her a sad smile. “I do admire you, Miss Seton, and I think you’re a beautiful woman. An admirable one, as well. But there was…” Cassandra could see him searching for the right word and failing, “there wasn’t anything there that could make me feel attracted. Don’t get me wrong, I do think you’re an attractive woman, but I don’t feel any attraction, if that makes sense?” Percy winced. “God, I’m rambling again, aren’t I?”
“You are.”
Percy’s face went red.
“I need to stop doing that.”
“Oh, Percy.” Cassandra started to reach towards him, but stopped herself in time. “Don’t stop being who you are. It’s endearing. We thought we would find a mutual attraction, but we didn’t.”
“No, we didn’t.” Percy looked a little crestfallen. “I thought it would come over time, but you’re right. Affection and friendship is one thing, but that doesn’t necessarily turn into love. It could even turn into animosity, and I value your friendship too much to do that.”
“You see me as a friend?”
“I do.” Percy’s cheeks reddened, “If you’ll permit it?”
“Of course.” Now they had got past the awkward part, Cassandra felt better. Lighter. It was as if the huge weight on her shoulders had gone. At least Percy wasn’t angry or upset about breaking off their courtship. “I could never turn away from you, Percy. You’re a rare treasure.”
“I thought that was meant to be my line.”
Cassandra laughed.
“I suppose. So, no hard feelings?”
“None.” Percy leaned over and kissed her cheek. Then he drew back with a frown. “Although I have to admit that I’m a little confused. I mean, you were the one who told my brother that you were interested in getting to know me; that you found me attractive. While I accept your reasoning as to why this cannot carry on, I’m still confused as to what changed.”
Cassandra blinked. What was he talking about?
“What do you mean that I was interested? I thought...Gabriel told me that you were the one who was interested to get to know me.”
“No. I didn’t even know who you are until the night we were introduced. I doubt our paths would have crossed at any point if Gabriel hadn’t mentioned you.”
He had never heard of her? Cassandra knew she shouldn’t be offended, but she was. Gabriel had lied to her about what his brother had said. Neither of them had even known about the other, not until he got himself inserted into the situation.
With a sinking stomach and the knot in her stomach tightening even more, Cassandra realised what had happened.
“He played us both.”
“He did.” Percy hurried on, “He must have had a good reason to do it, though.”
Cassandra scowled.
“Don’t try and justify his reasoning. He’s up to something, and it involves us. Whatever he’s up to, I don’t want to be a part of it.”
Percy frowned.
“What could he be up to that involved pushing us together?”