Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader

by Michael Brunsfeld

  Origin: “The earliest references used capital initials, as Mumbo Jumbo was said to be an African deity. Unfortunately, no one since the 18th century has reported any such deity in any West African tribe. It is possible that mumbo jumbo is a corrupt form of nzambi, Congolese for ‘god.’

  “Many explorers dismissed any native god as ignorant superstition. A religious belief in Mumbo Jumbo, a god supposedly invented to scare the womenfolk, was seen as even more nonsensical. Presumably this gave rise to mumbo jumbo in its modern sense of ‘obscure or meaningless talk.’” (From Take Our Word for It, by Melanie and Mike Crowley)

  * * *

  Dumb Joke: A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

  18th-century English sailors wore skirts.

  CAR TUNES

  Radios are so much a part of the driving experience, it seems like cars have always had them. But they didn’t. Here’s the story.

  SUNDOWN

  One evening in 1929 two young men named William Lear and Elmer Wavering drove their girlfriends to a lookout point high above the Mississippi River town of Quincy, Illinois, to watch the sunset. It was a romantic night to be sure, but one of the women observed that it would be even nicer if they could listen to music in the car.

  Lear and Wavering liked the idea. Both men had tinkered with radios—Lear had served as a radio operator in the U.S. Navy during World War I—and it wasn’t long before they were taking apart a home radio and trying to get it to work in a car. But it wasn’t as easy as it sounds: automobiles have ignition switches, generators, spark plugs, and other electrical equipment that generate noisy static interference, making it nearly impossible to listen to the radio when the engine was running.

  SIGNING ON

  One by one, Lear and Wavering identified and eliminated each source of electrical interference. When they finally got their radio to work, they took it to a radio convention in Chicago. There they met Paul Galvin, owner of Galvin Manufacturing Corporation. He made a product called a “battery eliminator,” a device that allowed battery-powered radios to run on household AC current. But as more homes were wired for electricity, more radio manufacturers made AC-powered radios. Galvin needed a new product to manufacture. When he met Lear and Wavering at the radio convention, he found it. He believed that mass-produced, affordable car radios had the potential to become a huge business.

  Lear and Wavering set up shop in Galvin’s factory, and when they perfected their first radio, they installed it in his Studebaker. Then Galvin went to a local banker to apply for a loan. Thinking it might sweeten the deal, he had his men install a radio in the banker’s Packard. Good idea, but it didn’t work—half an hour after the installation, the banker’s Packard caught on fire. (They didn’t get the loan.)

  Wh@t? The @ symbol is 500 years old.

  Galvin didn’t give up. He drove his Studebaker nearly 800 miles to Atlantic City to show off the radio at the 1930 Radio Manufacturers Association convention. Too broke to afford a booth, he parked the car outside the convention hall and cranked up the radio so that passing conventioneers could hear it. That idea worked—he got enough orders to put the radio into production.

  WHAT’S IN A NAME

  That first production model was called the 5T71. Galvin decided he needed to come up with something a little catchier. In those days many companies in the phonograph and radio businesses used the suffix “ola” for their brand names—Radiola, Columbiola, and Victrola were three of the biggest. Galvin decided to do the same thing, and since his radio was intended for use in a motor vehicle, he decided to call it the Motorola.

  But even with the name change, the radio still had problems:

  • When the Motorola went on sale in 1930, it cost about $110 uninstalled, at a time when you could buy a brand-new car for $650, and the country was sliding into the Great Depression. (By that measure, a radio for a new car would cost about $3,000 today.)

  • In 1930 it took two men several days to put in a car radio—the dashboard had to be taken apart so that the receiver and a single speaker could be installed, and the ceiling had to be cut open to install the antenna. These early radios ran on their own batteries, not on the car battery, so holes had to be cut into the floorboard to accommodate them. The installation manual had eight complicated diagrams and 28 pages of instructions.

  HIT THE ROAD

  Selling complicated car radios that cost 20 percent of the price of a brand-new car wouldn’t have been easy in the best of times, let alone during the Great Depression—Galvin lost money in 1930 and struggled for a couple of years after that. But things picked up in 1933 when Ford began offering Motorolas pre-installed at the factory. In 1934 they got another boost when Galvin struck a deal with the B.F. Goodrich tire company to sell and install them in its chain of tire stores. By then the price of the radio, installation included, had dropped to $55. The Motorola car radio was off and running. (The name of the company would be officially changed from Galvin Manufacturing to “Motorola” in 1947.)

  About meat? Carnivores dream more than herbivores.

  In the meantime, Galvin continued to develop new uses for car radios. In 1936, the same year that it introduced push-button tuning, it also introduced the Motorola Police Cruiser, a standard car radio that was factory preset to a single frequency to pick up police broadcasts. In 1940 he developed with the first handheld two-way radio—the Handie-Talkie—for the U.S. Army.

  A lot of the communication technologies that we take for granted today were born in Motorola labs in the years that followed World War II. In 1947 they came out with the first television to sell under $200. In 1956 the company introduced the world’s first pager; in 1969 it supplied the radio and television equipment that was used to televise Neil Armstrong’s first steps on the Moon. In 1973 it invented the world’s first handheld cellular phone. Today Motorola is one of the second-largest cell phone manufacturer in the world. And it all started with the car radio.

  WHATEVER HAPPENED TO…

  The two men who installed the first radio in Paul Galvin’s car, Elmer Wavering and William Lear, ended up taking very different paths in life. Wavering stayed with Motorola. In the 1950s he helped change the automobile experience again when he developed the first automotive alternator, replacing inefficient and unreliable generators. The invention led to such luxuries as power windows, power seats, and, eventually, air-conditioning.

  Lear also continued inventing. He holds more than 150 patents. Remember eight-track tape players? Lear invented that. But what he’s really famous for are his contributions to the field of aviation. He invented radio direction finders for planes, aided in the invention of the autopilot, designed the first fully automatic aircraft landing system, and in 1963 introduced his most famous invention of all, the Lear Jet, the world’s first mass-produced, affordable business jet. (Not bad for a guy who dropped out of school after the eighth grade.)

  Plymouth Rock weighs about 4 tons.

  FLUBBED HEADLINES

  These are 100% honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they were trying to say?

  MASSACHUSETTS WOMAN HAS EYE ON KERRY’S SEAT

  Four Top Dogs Inducted Into Meat Industry Hall of Fame

  Material in Diapers Could Help Make the Deserts Bloom

  Study Shows Some Denial From Parents on Ecstasy

  MAN KILLED OVER PHONE

  Passengers Feeling Airline Crew Cuts

  Toronto Suspects Hate Crime

  Waterskiing Accident Ruled Accidental

  JUDGE NOT CONVINCED MURDER VICTIM IS ALIVE

  Men Who Make Inappropriate Advances Should Be Exposed

  11 HIGH STUDENTS SCORE PERFECT GRADE

  Bonus Permits Enable 809 Hunters to Kill Two Deer

  Brief Cooking at Low Heat Recommended For Diabetics

  Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

  POLICEMAN SHOOTS MAN WITH KNIFE

  Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Ou
t of Uranus

  School Bans All Kinds of Nuts on Campus

  DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON

  MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

  HOSPITALS SUED BY SEVEN FOOT DOCTORS

  Youth Steals Funds For Charity

  MUSIC INDUSTRY MEETS ON DRUGS

  OIL BARGE BREAKS OFF TEXAS

  Dodge Says Probe Puts Him in Awkward Position

  Porsche owners are more likely to cheat on their partners than any other car owner.

  “I SPY”…AT THE MOVIES

  You probably remember the kids’ game “I Spy, with My Little Eye…” Filmmakers have been playing it for years. Here are some in-jokes and gags you can look for the next time you see these movies.

  THE INCREDIBLES (2004)

  I Spy…The computers from 2001: A Space Odyssey Where to Find Them: Animators paid homage to 2001 by making the computer screen displays on Syndrome’s secret island replicas of the ones used in Stanley Kubrick’s 1968 classic film.

  THE RETURN OF THE KING (2003)

  I Spy…Director Peter Jackson’s arm

  Where to Find It: In the tunnel of Shelob, when Sam’s (Sean Astin) arm enters the frame and points the sword at the big spider, it’s not Astin’s arm, it’s Peter Jackson’s.

  MONKEY BUSINESS (1931)

  I Spy…Sam Marx, father of the Marx Brothers

  Where to Find Him: When the brothers are being carried off the ship, dad can be seen behind them sitting on a crate.

  SCHINDLER’S LIST (1993)

  I Spy…A photograph of Anne Frank

  Where to Find It: In the scene where the Nazis are gathering the Jews’ belongings, the camera pans over a pile of photographs; the top one is a picture of Anne Frank, the girl who wrote the famous diary about hiding from Nazis with her family in Amsterdam.

  JAWS (1975)

  I Spy…Peter Benchley, author of the novel that inspired the film

  Where to Find Him: He’s the TV reporter on the beach talking about Amityville and the shark.

  The flashing light on the Capitol Records Tower spells out HOLLYWOOD in Morse code.

  BIG FISH (2003)

  I Spy…Props from earlier Tim Burton movies

  Where to Find Them: During the bank robbery, the door to the vault is the same one that protected the Batsuit in Batman (1989). At the science fair, young Ed Bloom shows off a breakfast machine that first appeared in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure (1985).

  FIGHT CLUB (1999)

  I Spy…Starbucks coffee cups

  Where to Find Them: In every shot, according to director David Fincher, who put the cups there to illustrate the pervasiveness of corporations in our society. “I don’t have anything against Starbucks, per se,” he says, “but do we need three on every corner?”

  THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965)

  I Spy…Maria von Trapp

  Where to Find Her: The nanny who inspired the story worked as an extra in the scene where Julie Andrews (starring as Maria) sings “I Have Confidence.” There are two Austrian peasant women standing in a doorway—von Trapp is the elder of the two.

  CATWOMAN (2004)

  I Spy…Former Catwoman Michelle Pfeiffer

  Where to Find Her: In a stack of photos labeled “catwomen of history” is a picture of Pfeiffer as Catwoman from the 1992 movie Batman Returns.

  SHREK 2 (2004)

  I Spy…Justin Timberlake (boyfriend of star Cameron Diaz)

  Where to Find Him: When Fiona (Diaz) visits her childhood bedroom, there’s a poster of “Sir Justin” on the wall.

  MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975)

  I Spy…Michael Palin’s infant son William

  Where to Find Him: In “The Book of the Film” scene, baby William is the photograph of Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film.

  Houseflies hum in the key of F.

  CAPITAL-ISM

  Small towns are flush with pride about their contributions to the world. Here are some places that proudly proclaim themselves “World Capitals.”

  SOCK CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

  Town: Fort Payne, Alabama

  Story: There are more than 150 sock mills in the Fort Payne area. Half the local population—6,000 people—produces 12 million pairs of socks each week. It’s estimated that one out of every four feet in America is dressed in a Fort Payne sock.

  EARMUFF CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

  Town: Farmington, Maine

  Story: Chester Greenwood invented earmuffs here in 1873 (he was 15 years old). He subsequently opened a factory in Farmington, and business took off when he won a contract to supply them to World War I soldiers. Farmington celebrates Greenwood with a parade on the first Saturday of every December. Everyone and everything, including pets and police cars, wears earmuffs.

  COSTUME JEWELRY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

  Town: Providence, Rhode Island

  Story: In 1794 a Providence resident named Nehemiah Dodge developed a simple, low-cost method of gold-plating. Result: a pirate’s booty in expensive-looking jewelry that almost anyone could afford. Today there are more than 1,000 costume jewelry plants in Rhode Island, most of them in Providence.

  CASKET CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

  Town: Batesville, Indiana

  Story: Since 1884, the town has been home to Batesville Casket, the country’s most prolific coffin manufacturer. (The plant churns out one casket every 53 seconds.) The town built around death has a lot of life, including an annual Raspberry Festival and a Music & Arts Festival…but no Casket Festival.

  You’re in good company: Abraham Lincoln moved his lips when he read.

  COW CHIP THROWING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

  Town: Beaver, Oklahoma

  Story: The World Championship Cow Chip Throw is held here every April. The town’s registered trademark: King Cow Chip, a cartoon of a dried pile of cow poop wearing a crown.

  CORN CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

  Town: Olivia, Minnesota

  Story: Olivia has more corn seed research facilities and processing plants than any other place on earth, and it celebrated that fact in 1973 by erecting a 50-foot-tall statue of a cornstalk. In 2003, the Minnesota senate passed a resolution making Olivia’s claim to the world title official. But don’t confuse Olivia with its corny rival, Constantine, Michigan, which grows 20 percent of the nation’s seed corn. In 2003 the Michigan legislature proclaimed Constantine the “Seed Corn Capital of the World.”

  KILLER BEE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

  Town: Hidalgo, Texas

  Story: Killer bees emerged in the 1950s when some African bees escaped from a South American lab and bred with the local bees, creating a volatile spawn that migrated north. In 1990 they crossed into the United States through Hidalgo. Did the town flee in horror? Nope. They used it to promote tourism. Hidalgo spent $20,000 to build the “World’s Largest Killer Bee,” a 10-foot-tall, full-color bee in the center of town.

  SPINACH CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

  Town: Alma, Arkansas

  Story: The Allen Canning Company, based in Alma, cans 65 percent of all American canned spinach—60 million pounds a year—so in 1987, Alma proclaimed itself the Spinach Capital of the World. Their claim was challenged by Crystal Springs, Texas, which said it already was the Spinach Capital, and had been since 1937, when Del Monte opened a spinach canning plant there. Proof: they have a statue of Popeye in the town square. Not to be outdone, Alma built its own Popeye statue, then painted its water tower green, and labeled it the “World’s Largest Can of Spinach.”

  Most common woman’s shoe size: 7½.

  THE WRIGHT STUFF

  Words of bizarre wisdom from one of the most original comics ever—and one of our all-time favorites—Steven Wright.

  “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

  “I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35-mph zone, but I told them I had dyslexia.”

  “If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

  “When I was crossing the border to Canada, they asked me if I had any firearms with me. I sai
d, ‘Well, what do you need?’”

  “I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”

  “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?”

  “Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by laughing hysterically.”

  “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

  “I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”

  “When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently I was rereading it. ‘Day one: still tired from the move. Day two: everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot!’”

  “I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have two Xerox machines.”

  “I’m taking Lamaze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.”

  “I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2 by 4 and a box of 3 by 5s. The clerk said, ‘ten-four.’”

  “I was sad because I had no shoes, then I met a man with no feet. So I said, ‘Got any shoes you’re not using?’”

  “It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.”

  “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

  “I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

  The wet look: Billy goats trying to attract a mate urinate on their own heads.

  TOY FADS

  It happens every few years: Some new toy becomes instantly popular, every kid wants it, parents push and shove to buy one, and a company makes millions of dollars. Then, just as quickly, the fad is over.

  FAD: Teddy Ruxpin

  LASTED: 1985–1988

  BACKGROUND: Ken Forsse was a pioneer in animatronics at Disneyland in the 1960s and ’70s, where he designed such innovative robotic displays as the talking figure of Abraham Lincoln in the Hall of Presidents. In the early 1980s he spent $1 million (of his own money) to develop Teddy Ruxpin, a doll in the likeness of a bear that would move his mouth and eyes as he read pre-recorded stories. He got financial backers and started a company, Worlds of Wonder (WOW), specifically to make the dolls.