by T. K. Chapin
Courtney, on the other hand, decided to move away from Blackfoot and live in Eastern Washington, more specifically, Spokane, Washington, where Drew was originally born. She found a cute little two-bedroom apartment and kept most of her money from the life insurance policy in savings while she worked and figured out what she was going to do with the rest of her life. She wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted to do, but she realized it wasn’t to stay in Blackfoot with her bitter mother and sister who was heading down a path of darkness.
Taylor showed up on Courtney’s doorstep in Spokane one snowy night, near the one-year anniversary of when Drew had passed away. It had only been six months since their father had died.
“What are you doing in Spokane?”
Rubbing her belly, she shook her head and started to cry as her breath was visible in the cold night air. “I need to go to rehab, Sis. I have a little bean inside me. I need a place to crash tonight, then I go in the morning to a rehab out in Mead, just outside of town.”
“Wow. Yeah, come on in and crash here.” Stepping aside, she let Taylor into her apartment.
After heading to bed that night, Courtney lay beneath the covers and cried herself to sleep. Here her sister was with a kid on the way and unmarried. Rolling onto her back in bed, Courtney peered up at the dark ceiling. Her heart was aching after yesterday’s trip down Memory Lane with Drew. She spent the whole day crying, but the worst part was that nobody reached out to her. It felt like a prison of isolation, and nobody cared how she felt. “I know You care for me, Lord. It’s just hard to feel Your love right now. It feels so far away from my heart. Teach my aching heart to sense when You are near.”
Leaning over, she turned on the light and pulled out the envelope with Drew’s letter in it from the nightstand beside the bed. She wept as she read the words over again and Drew’s requirements of the perfect man for her. It’ll never happen. Not in a million years will I give my heart away again.
Chapter 8
Buckling the boys into their car seats that following Thursday evening, Courtney got into the car and headed over to Susan’s house for her ladies’ Bible study a little earlier than normal. She wanted to tell April, one of the women she had become close friends with, about what had happened with her sister, Taylor. Parking in the driveway at Susan’s house, she went inside, and April’s daughter, Kimberly, took the boys to go play. Courtney entered the kitchen where April and Susan were preparing snacks.
Sitting down on a stool at the island beside April, she turned toward her.
“She tried to come back and get them.”
April set the knife down she was using to cut cubes of cheese and turned toward her. “No.”
“Yes. It was terrible. She was cursing and screaming and crying. There were cops and everything.”
“What’d you do?”
“Showed the police the guardianship papers.”
“How’d the boys react?”
Susan walked over to the island, concern apparent on her face as she listened to their exchange.
“They didn’t have to see any of it. I left them with Brian and went to handle it.”
“Your boss?” April stuck out her neck.
“Well . . . he’s more than just my boss now. We’ve kind of started seeing each other.”
Susan smiled and leaned against the island’s top. “Brian is a great guy. It’s a shame what Melissa did to the poor man. She worked a real number on him and broke him to pieces. I didn’t think he’d ever enter the relationship arena again.”
Courtney raised her eyebrows. “Why did you think that?”
Susan laughed and stood upright. “Because he announced to everyone that he was done with relationships after everything happened.”
“Oh. Well, everything seems to be going okay.” Turning to April, then to Susan, Courtney’s eyes watered as she thought of the boys. “I’m just worried about the boys.”
April placed a hand on Courtney’s back. “It’s going to be okay. They are safe with you.”
“Yeah, until next month.” Tears spilled over and onto her cheeks. She wiped them as she shook her head. “I have a court date January second for permanent guardianship, but she’s going to protest it.”
“Do you have a lawyer?”
Sniffling, she shook her head. “It’s not that kind of thing. You don’t have personal lawyers present for it. It’ll just be me, her, the judge, and a CPS lawyer guy.”
“You think she’ll win?”
Thinking of how the kids used to stay at Drake’s apartment, she nodded. “I’m worried she will win. I just want those boys to have healthy and good lives, and being with drug addicts and abuse in the home isn’t how that happens. You know?”
“You can tell the judge that, right?” April inquired.
“It’s just hearsay unless there is proof.” Raking her hands through her hair, she rested her elbows on the island as she looked downward. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Pray and trust God.” April picked her knife back up and continued cutting cubes of cheese for the snack platter. “I know it seems generic, but I’m telling you. When Justin and I went through a rough patch, I was a wreck. Ask Susan.”
She lifted her eyes to Susan, and Susan nodded lightly. “And so was I when I lost my husband. What I’ve learned over the years is that life isn’t always pretty, but God is always working. I know it’s hard to see it, but you will see it.”
Courtney’s heart was starting to feel a measure better. “Thank you, Ladies.”
“Now, tell us more about you and Brian.” April raised an eyebrow. “When did that happen?”
A light laugh lifted from Courtney’s lips as she smiled and shook her head. “It just kind of happened. You know? I mean, I’ve been attracted to him since the day I first met him. When I dropped the boys off in Sunday school class for the first time, I saw him standing in the classroom serving children cereal. I was a hot mess, but I noticed how well put together he was. Then he hired me, and I started working for him, and one thing led to another.”
“Wow. Well, I hope it works out.” April scooped up the cubes of cheese and set them on the platter. “We have a special guest speaker tonight. It’s a pastor’s wife from Diamond Lake.”
“Oh, wow. Really?” Courtney perked up at hearing it. “What is she speaking on?”
“She’ll be talking about forgiveness. Susan enjoyed Pastor Matt’s sermon so much on the topic back when he preached on it that she wanted to have someone come and speak on it.”
That evening, as all fifteen of the women in attendance sat on couches, chairs, and the floor, Susan led a prayer and then the guest speaker took to the floor.
“Good evening, all. My name is Serenah, and today, I want to speak to you about forgiveness. It’s a hard topic for me, personally, because there’ve been a few people in my life that I had to forgive. One in particular, who was most difficult, was my first husband, who abused me.”
The room was quiet as she surveyed the ladies in the circle.
“You probably think it was just the physical side of abuse, his hitting me, but that was only partially what I had to forgive him for. The biggest part and the most painful part was losing my child while I was still pregnant.”
Courtney’s eyes widened, eager for her to continue.
“You see, I had run away from him and that marriage to protect myself and the baby I was carrying, but . . . I ended up miscarrying anyway. I blamed him for it. For years, I tucked away the pain of it, and then one day, I heard a story. This missionary and his wife had gone overseas to an Islamic terrorist war-torn country to serve. One day, while his wife was working at the local hospital and he was off helping some locals, she was gunned down by terrorists. He didn’t know about it until he went over to the hospital and found her lying in a pool of her own blood. He fell prostrate on the floor and thanked God for the time he had with her while she was on this earth. Then, years later, he remarried and went on another missionary trip to that
same country and preached in that exact spot where he had found her. What did he preach on? The power of forgiveness.”
Whispers around the room filled the atmosphere. “Wow” and “How is that possible?”
Serenah stopped walking and looked around at the women. “The point of this is to say the devil wants to disable, disarm, and immobilize his people any way he can. He already knows he has lost the fight with those who claim the name of Jesus. So what’s the next-best thing for him? To keep them ineffective and not producing fruits of the Spirit in their lives.” Walking over to a chair with papers on it, she picked up the pile of worksheets and began to hand them out. “This is a worksheet to help you understand the pain spots in your heart and to identify where forgiveness is needed. Maybe there’s a sibling or relative you have been giving a ‘good letting alone,’ as my late grandmother, Emma, would say. Maybe it’s more subtle. A parent you feel hurt by daily. We all have people in our lives we need to forgive because we all are sinners. The question is, are we actively forgiving? Or are we holding on and letting the root of bitterness grow?”
As Serenah handed Courtney her paper, she knew exactly the two names she needed to write. First, Taylor, and secondly, her mother, Rhonda.
“We don’t forgive other people because they came and apologized to us or they ‘made things right.’ No, Biblical forgiveness doesn’t operate that way. Biblical forgiveness is between you and God, primarily, not just you and others. Turn in your Bibles to Colossians 3.”
Courtney picked her Bible up from the side of her chair and flipped to the book and chapter. Then, Serenah read verse thirteen.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13
“Our sins and our wrongs have been forgiven by God. When we repent and confess our wrongdoings, He is mighty to forgive always. In turn, we have no right to hold back on forgiveness toward the people in our lives. No matter the pain they have caused. Even if they gun your wife down in a hospital or . . .” —her hand found her stomach— “take away someone’s future.”
A hand went up and Serenah called on the lady.
“But doesn’t it just allow the person to keep hurting us? How is that what God wants?”
“Sometimes, a person can still hurt us if we let them back into our lives. I’m glad you brought that up. Listen, Ladies. You can forgive without giving trust. You can love without being accepting of bad behavior. These are common misconceptions that we all have. Forgiveness is releasing the debt someone owes you, nothing more than that.”
Melody, one of the ladies in the group with tears in her eyes, raised a hand.
Serenah nodded to her. “Go ahead.”
Wiping the tears from her eyes, she stammered as she tried to speak. “A few months ago, my daughter was killed in a car wreck by a drunk driver. I . . .” She started crying, and Serenah came over to her and bent her knees, wrapping an arm around her. Courtney’s heart sank as Melody continued. “I am trying so hard to forgive the man who did it, but it just feels impossible.”
“I couldn’t imagine that.” Serenah’s cheeks moistened with tears. “That has to be the most difficult thing for a parent to ever endure. I’m so sorry.”
As the night went on, Courtney realized just how much unforgiveness she had been harboring toward her sister and mother. Lifting a prayer of thankfulness to God for all the protection He had provided her and her family with, she realized she needed a more thankful heart. On her way out to the car that evening with the boys, Courtney felt determined to focus on the love of God every time a moment of bitterness rose within her. If someone like Melody, who lost their child in a car wreck, could be striving toward forgiveness and love toward the perpetrator, she could too. With You, God, all things are possible.
The next morning, Brian spotted Courtney pulling into the roundabout from inside his truck. He turned toward Lucy, who was sitting in the passenger seat, staring out at the frozen fountain just outside her window.
“Hey. I’ll be right back and then we can go.”
“Okay.”
He got out of the truck and walked through the snow toward Courtney’s car. He made his way over to the driver’s side window. She rolled the window down and peered up at him.
“What’s this surprise, Brian?”
“You’ll have to follow me and see.” He smiled and then peered into the backseat and saw Blaze and Todd bundled up just as he had instructed her in the text message that morning. The boys looked like little black marshmallows in their car seats.
Traversing the driveway back to his truck, he got in and shut the door of the pickup. Taking off his snow gloves, he rubbed his hands together and then turned the key over as he pumped the gas. His old Chevy pickup truck could’ve easily been replaced since Puppy Chow Direct took off, but it was a gift from his late father and an item he’d never part with as long as he was alive and it was functional.
“Why can’t you tell me where we’re going, Dad?” Lucy inquired as she pulled her scarf down from her lips. “I’m not a little kid.”
“It’s called a surprise for a reason, Princess, and yes, you’re still a child.”
She peered through the back window of the truck and then over at her dad. “We’re going to that Christmas tree lot over off Sullivan street, aren’t we?”
He shrugged and shifted the truck into gear. Driving around the roundabout, he glanced over at his daughter with a smile. “I guess you’ll have to wait and see.”
When the city landscape turned to country fields and snow-topped trees, Lucy again turned to Brian. “Wait. Where are we going? We’re leaving Spokane?”
“What do you want for Christmas this year?”
“You haven’t gotten anything for me yet?” Lucy leaned toward him, her eyes wide. “It’s next week, Dad!”
“I know. That’s why I need to know what you want. I tried doing some browsing online the other day, and I couldn’t figure out if you’d want a toy of some kind or an older kid thing. You’re at a strange age.”
“Okay.” Tapping her chin for a moment, she then turned toward him. “I know! I saw this cool nail thing you just shove your fingernail in and it paints it. How about that?”
“I’ll keep that in mind. What about baby dolls? You always love getting one of those.”
“Oh, yes, of course, a baby doll and a highchair too.”
Smiling as he took an exit off the freeway, his heart warmed. She might’ve been getting older, but she was still his little girl. If he could just hold onto the child-like wonder and excitement she still had, maybe she’d skip the teenager years and stay sweet as an apple.
“Okay. This is weird, Dad.” Adjusting in her seat, Lucy’s eyes were glued out her window as they took another turn and were suddenly on a country road out in Chattaroy. She turned toward him. “I don’t get how there is anything out here for us all to do.”
He didn’t respond. Slowing the truck down, he pulled off the road into a turnaround spot off the road and parked. Courtney parked her car and started to get the boys out of the back. Getting out of the truck, he went to the bed of the truck and retrieved his axe.
Lucy’s gaze caught the sight of the axe. “We’re going to cut down a Christmas tree!”
Courtney smiled at Brian as they all met between the vehicles near the fence line.
Pointing the axe toward the spotty field of trees planted in every direction, Brian nodded. “Let’s go find our Christmas tree.”
They all traversed the two feet of snow in search of the perfect tree.
Blaze started to get fussy and Brian took notice. Stopping, he bent a knee and peered into the little man’s eyes. “What should we name the tree?”
“Steve.”
Brian let out a hearty laugh and stood up. “Steve. I like it!” Turning his gaze toward a nearby tree, he started leading them over to it.
“Doesn’t look like a Steve to me.”
Courtney’s comment lifted as she inspected the tree. “Looks more like a Tony.”
Brian let out a laugh. “Let’s keep looking.”
They continued through the snow. Brian’s face was starting to feel the cold wintry bite of December set into his cheeks as a breeze blew in. Arriving at a nice six-footer without a weird deformity, he patted it and turned toward Courtney and the children.
“Is this one Steve?”
Blaze did a thumbs-up with his gloves while he ate a handful of snow. The other kids and Courtney nodded.
Lucy spoke up. “Any tree will do at this point. I’m cold and want to leave, Dad.”
Smiling, he pointed behind him. “Everyone stand back while I cut it down.”
Swinging his axe, Brian connected with the cold tree, cutting at an angle and sending bark flying. He hit a few more times until it fell. Dragging it across the snow, they all journeyed through the field back toward their vehicles. The boys and Lucy were behind him and Courtney. Coming closer to him, Courtney wrapped her arm through his, sending a warmth through him that thawed a part of the invading winter cold.
At the truck, he hoisted the whole tree into the bed and then shut the gate.
After securing the tree with straps, he climbed into the driver seat of the truck. Lucy appeared upset. Her arms were crossed and her cheeks moist with tears.
“What’s wrong?”
She shook her head and looked out her window as he turned the key over and pulled the truck out onto the road. Replaying the events that had transpired, Brian was at a loss as to what had happened.
“I honestly don’t know what I did to upset you, but I’m sorry.”
“She’s not Mom.”
The three words were colder than the ice stuck to the rims of his truck. He realized they had walked closely together on the way back with the tree. His heart broke for his daughter as he looked again at her disappointed expression and her tears streaming down her cheeks.
“I know she’s not your mother, Princess. She will never be your mother.”