by Eric Vall
Then his smoking body fell to the pavement of the highway.
“I’m not going to let anyone attack us without paying the price,” I said as I smiled at my two beautiful girlfriends. “That includes humans, demons, angels, or gods.”
“He deserved it,” Liby said. “You did the right thing.”
“That’s right,” Todd said as he smiled at me. “No one fucks with the Toddster and his crew, or Jacob will fucking melt their faces off!”
“Let’s get going,” I laughed, and then we all turned and walked back toward Lola.
“That was a close one,” Todd patted his broken horn as the four of us slid back to the car. “Thankfully the ‘ol dynamic duo of Todd and Jacob were here to kick ass and take names.”
“Todd and Jacob?” I asked as I kicked Lola into gear, and we continued down the interstate.
“The order of the names doesn’t matter,” he reassured me.
“They’re never going to stop.” Cupiditas muttered from the backseat.
“That’s why we have to find the Chapel of the Trinity, sister.” Libidine nodded. “If we can find the right spell, we can ensure that Azazel never bothers anyone ever again.”
“We still have to make it there in one piece.” The blonde shook her head. “That’s going to be hard to do when there’s a new assassin in our way every few hours.”
“Then we’ll just take them out too!” Todd stood up on the seat triumphantly as I began to pull Lola back out onto the highway. “Did you see how bad we fucked those guys up back there? And we didn’t even take any damage!”
“Uh--” I started to point at Todd’s horn, but he just ignored my gesture.
“Nothing is going to stand between us and a lifetime of fun and excitement!” the imp giggled.
Just as the words left Todd’s mouth, all four of us were startled by a loud pop. I looked back in the rearview mirror to see if there were more assailants, but the road was empty.
“No!” Todd screamed. “Nononononononononono!”
Smoke began to stream out from underneath Lola’s hood. The engine coughed and sputtered, and every single warning light on the dashboard sprang to life. The vehicle began to slow down on its own, so I turned the wheel and guided the car to a rolling stop off to the side of the road.
I reached down and released the hood latch of the Volvo, which only increased the intensity of the black smog that rested beneath.
Todd scrambled out of the vehicle, and the succubi and I followed suit. The imp stood at the front of the car as he frantically reached up for the lever that would unlatch the hood. He was far too short, so he could only leap up in vain as more and more smoke poured out of Lola’s engine.
“Easy there, Todd.” I reassured the imp as I reached into the trunk and wrapped a blanket around my hand. “I’m sure Lola just needs some TLC, and then she’ll be good as new.”
“I hope so.” He was now almost in tears. “I’ve been with her since High School. She can’t die on me now!”
I reached down, popped the lever, and pushed open the hood. A small stream of antifreeze was pouring out of the bottom of the engine, and through the smog I could make out the familiar image of greasy oil spilled all across the compartment.
“It doesn’t look good, man…” I shook my head. “When was the last time she was at a mechanic?”
“A what now?” Todd sniffled.
“Are you telling me that Lola’s never been to a mech--” I started.
“Another man touching my girl!” Todd protested. “Fuck no! I did all the repairs myself. Mostly with duct tape, WD-40, and second-hand parts I bought on the internet.”
“But you changed the oil, right?” I asked.
My friend just blinked at me.
“You’ve never changed the oil?” I gasped.
“Just my sexy presence keeps her well lubricated,” Todd declared.
“That’s not how it works,” I sighed as I pushed the palm of my hand to my face. “That’s not how it works at all.”
“Todd,” Libidine put her hand on the imp’s shoulder. “I don’t think she’s going to make it.”
“Don’t you dare say that!” Todd pointed his stubby finger at the succubus. “Jakey, give me the keys. I’m going to try to resuscitate her!”
“Todd--” I began as I removed the keys from my pocket.
“She’ll pull through.” He snatched the fob from my hand and ran back to the driver’s seat. “Clear!”
The imp turned the key, and the Volvo screamed as the alternator tried to turn over. More smoke churned out of the engine in response.
“Stay with me, baby!” Todd pleaded. “Clear!”
This time, the engine sputtered to life.
“Yes!” I could see the imp’s head appear over the dashboard as he jumped up and down in celebration.
Then, Lola’s engine let out a loud wail and caught on fire.
“Nooooooooo!” Todd sobbed.
I walked over to the imp in the driver’s seat and put my hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry Todd. I think she’s dead.”
“We had a good run, girl.” Todd muttered through tears as he patted the red interior of the car.
“What are we going to do now, Jacob?” Cupiditas asked somberly.
“Well, we’re still at least a day’s drive away from our destination,” I explained. “First thing’s first, we need to get to a dealership so that we can find a new set of wheels.”
“We’re pretty far out from civilization, man.” Todd sniffled. “Are we just gonna walk?”
“We can hitchhike,” Cupiditas suggested. “Libidine and I don’t ever seem to have any issues getting people to stop and look at us.”
“For a very good reason,” I laughed. “Let’s start walking east, and if we see any cars, we can try to get them to stop and take us as far as they’re willing to go.”
The four of us sauntered down the interstate for nearly an hour before we saw a pair of shimmering headlights approaching from behind. Todd turned invisible, and the girls and I all stuck out our thumbs in hopes that the driver would stop. A large, blue semi slowed down to a stop in front of us, and a jolly man with a white beard threw open the door to greet us.
“Howdy folks!” He patted the seat beside him. “Where y’all headed?”
“We’re headed towards Maine, but we really just need to find a car dealership,” I explained as I climbed up into the middle of the vehicle’s cabin.
“Maine? Well I’ll be damned,” the large man shook his head. “I’m taking this shipment to Boston! Y’all are welcome to ride with me the whole way. If you can tolerate the truckin’ life, that is.”
“Really?” I stuck out my arm to shake his hand. “That’d be great!”
“What luck,” Cupiditas said as she gave me a sly grin.
The girls leaned their heads against each other, and I placed my hands on my lap and laid back in the stiff seat. Losing Lola might have been a real setback, but at least we had a ride towards our destination.
Now all that was left was to figure out where to find the Chapel.
Chapter 19
“Nope,” Todd’s disembodied voice whispered as the salesman finished showing us a brand new silver coupe. “Not a worthy successor to Lola.”
“It’s nice, but I think we might have to pass on this one.” I shrugged to the dealer. “We need four doors.”
“Let us try this again!” he said as a forced smile arose on his face. “What are you looking for in a vehicle? You said you wanted something that would be good for cross-country travel, and something that would be able to fit at least five people at a time.”
“But still affordable,” I added. “I know, we’re quite picky!”
“Not at all, Mr. Pearson! We just haven’t found the right car for you yet.” The dealer smiled and gestured to the enormous fleet of vehicles that stood before us.
The nice man in the truck had dropped us off at a small dealership just outside the Boston city limits. I
had tried to give the truck driver a few hundred dollars for letting us tag along on his trip, but he refused. Instead, he just told me to keep an eye on those girls of mine, because he thought they could get me into a lot of trouble.
If only he knew how right he was.
“How long are you going to play Goldilocks?” I whispered to Todd as we approached a cluster of larger vehicles.
“Hey man, nothing can ever replace Lola,” he retorted. “But I want whatever we get to be just as sexy as she was. That’s really hard to do.”
“What about one of these?” Cupiditas asked as she ran her hand on a four door jet-black jeep we passed. “They seem somewhat practical. Lots of room for storing things. Looks like it could handle a rollover without crushing us, and most importantly, there’s plenty of room in the seats for festivities.”
“That should be priority number one,” Libidine giggled.
“I dunno, man,” Todd mumbled. “I always thought jeeps were more of a soccer mom thing.”
“That would be a minivan, my friend,” I corrected him with a chuckle.
The dealer finally came to a stop in front of a Hummer and slapped his hand enthusiastically on its door. “How about this baby? It might be used, but it’s got all the space you could ever want. It’s built like a tank, and it can go off-road at a moment’s notice!”
“Now we’re talking!” Todd giggled quietly.
“It’s quite impressive.” Cupiditas nodded at the massive vehicle in front of us. “But size really doesn’t matter.”
“Can you give us a minute to talk it over?” I asked the man in the plaid shirt who nodded and walked a few feet away to play on his phone.
“Uh, that thing gets like ten miles to the gallon. Not exactly a good road tripping vehicle,” I explained to the succubi and Todd.
“But Jacob, it would offer excellent protection against anyone who tried to attack us,” Liby argued. “If those guys with the guns had hit us while we were driving this, we would still be outrunning them.”
“Well, yeah, until we would have needed to stop for gas twenty miles down the road,” I joked. “Why don’t we compromise? Go with something that’s more protected than Lola was but isn’t going to stick out like a sore thumb when we’re trying to sneak our way across the country, hiding from a powerful demon?”
“So, one of those things?” Cupi pointed back at the group of jeeps we had just passed by.
“I don’t know, bro…” Todd pondered.
I sauntered over to the black jeep Cupi had mentioned earlier and placed my hand on the hood of the vehicle. “They’re excellent for mud-bogging. And off-roading. And dune surfing. All of which are a million times more fun when you’re as high as a--”
“Sold,” Todd said before I could even finish my sentence.
“What do you think, girls?” I asked the two succubi.
Libidine opened the door and hopped up into the back seat of the jeep I was standing by. She hung her legs over the side playfully like a toddler and then flopped back onto the vinyl interior. Then the succubus thrust her hips into the air as she pretended she was in the throes of passion.
Cupi, not wanting to miss out on the fun, climbed up and laid on top of the dark-haired succubus. The two women giggled as they rolled around in the back seat pretending to get it on as they let out a few over the top fake moans.
All I could do was cover my face in embarrassment, but I made sure that I was still able to peek through my fingers.
Then the two succubi slid out of the vehicle and walked back to me with their arms wrapped around each other.
“This thing has an actual cigarette lighter!” Todd yelled from inside the jeep. “Maybe it’s not so bad after all.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t comment on the lack of a cassette player,” I said as I gestured to the dash.
“What?” Todd gasped. “How are we supposed to jam to my mix tape?”
“It’s got a satellite radio and Bluetooth connection,” I said. “We’ll mange some tunes.”
“I dunno man,” Todd sighed. “I pour my high school heart and soul into those mixtapes, and I don’t think that--”
“You’ll get to be the DJ,” I pointed out, “and think about all the cool tunes you could spin with a satellite radio.”
“You drive a hard bargain, Jakey,” Todd replied after a few moments.
“Excellent. So we’re all in agreement that this is the one we want?” I offered one last time.
“Yes!” all three of them said in unison.
I turned around and motioned for the salesman to come back over. “I think we’ll take this one.”
“Really?” he asked with a relieved sigh.
“Unless you wanted to show us some more?” I chuckled.
“No no no!” the man with the chiseled jaw shook his head. “Let me go grab the paperwork and get the loan officer.”
“That won’t be necessary.” I held up my hand to stop him before he left. The dumbfounded look on the man’s face told me he needed more explanation. “We’ll be paying in cash today. The full amount.”
“The… This vehicle is thirty-thousand dollars, Mr. Pearson…” he bumbled.
“I know.” I smiled as I removed a wad of bills from my pocket. “I’m assuming you’d like that in hundreds?”
“Uh, yes, yes.” The salesman rubbed his head in awe.
I rustled through the stack of cash, counting out hundred-dollar bills into piles of ten-thousand each before sliding them over to the salesman.
“I’ll get right to work on the title!” he said, and then he scurried back toward the building.
“You know, I could have just gotten us the vehicle for free,” Liby said. “I can use my power to get pretty much whatever I want from men or women.”
“I appreciate the offer,” I said, “but we had the money, and I didn’t want to steal from this guy. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of opportunities to use your sexy powers of persuasion.”
“Speaking of demon powers,” Todd said. “This big black Jeep looks like something a succubus lord would drive. So, what are we gonna name this beaut?” Todd reappeared in the passenger’s seat of the jeep, a blunt and the cigarette lighter already in his hand.
“Who said it’s her?” I questioned. “You have to drive a car for a little while before you can know its personality. This could be a Bubba Joe for all we know. It could fall apart halfway down the interstate with our luck.”
“That was the old us, Jake,” Todd mused as he kicked back the reclining seat. “We’ve got a new lease on life, and now we’re the luckiest sons of bitches in the world right now!”
“Don’t talk about his mother like that!” Cupi let out in shock.
“It’s just an expression.” I laughed.
The salesman returned with the keys and joyfully plopped a pair of them down into my hand. He had to be on cloud nine right now. Not only did he just make a big commission on a thirty-thousand dollar vehicle, but he really didn’t have to haggle over the price. I filled out a few documents for the title and temporary insurance, and then the salesman shook my hand one last time to seal the deal and then bid us farewell.
I was sure none of them could have possibly been as needy as we had been. The duffel bag full of our money and Todd’s books was tossed in the hatch of the vehicle. It felt good finally to have something that was ours considering I hadn’t been the owner of a “new” car since, well, ever.
I climbed up into the driver’s seat and tossed the keys happily into the air before catching them again. “Are we ready to see what this bad boy can do?”
“Punch it, Jakey!” Todd stood up on the seat and pointed at the exit of the dealership.
I cranked the keys in the ignition, and the jet-black jeep roared to life. This thing was definitely going to take some getting used to. It was about three times the size of Lola, and I was sure it handled like the military vehicle it was originally designed to be. Sure, it was a civilian-grade, but it would offer
us much more protection from attackers than Todd’s old Volvo would have. Hell, despite its size, it might even be getting better gas mileage than Lola did. There was no black exhaust or strange noises that made me wonder if the car was going to die on us at any moment.
This thing was a beast.
“I’ve got it,” I snickered. “Why don’t we call it Gallu?”
“The demon you killed back in Vegas?” Cupi pondered.
“Why not?” I raised my hand and began to count on my fingers. “It’s a hulking monstrosity, it’s pitch-black like his fur, and it can take a beating and keep on going!”
“Gallu’s not exactly a good car name, man,” Todd puffed from beside me.
“I think we should call it Shadow.” Libidine shrugged. “It makes sense considering you’re the only mortal to have a brush with the Shadow World and live to tell the tale.”
“Hmm. I can live with Shadow, but I’m telling you, you’re missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have a car named Gallu,” I laughed as I put the jeep into gear, and we set off down the road.
From our current location, we were only about an hour or two away from where the map claimed the Chapel of the Trinity would be located. We hopped onto the interstate and headed north toward our destination.
Chapter 20
The brisk New England wind blew through our hair as we drove past the beautiful coastline. Cupiditas and Libidine couldn’t stop staring at the ocean, and I couldn’t blame them. They were from Hell, and I didn’t imagine that they had a lot of water there. Todd puffed his joint and took a break every few minutes to sing along with the upbeat song coming through our speakers.
Even after buying Shadow, our pockets were full of riches that I could only have dreamt of before. There was only one thing that stood between the four of us and a lifetime of happiness: Azazel.
“How close do you estimate we are, Hellspawn GPS?” I asked Todd jokingly as I turned down the music blaring through the Jeep’s nice sounding stereo system.
He shrugged. “I dunno. Ley Line cartography isn’t really an exact science. I just know that we have to go to this little town on the coast of Maine. We’re only about thirty minutes away, but from there it’s anybody’s guess.”