by Eric Vall
“Sure thing, Todd,” I laughed.
The three of us walked up to the old man at the cash register, and he did a double take at the succubi. I pulled out two twenties to buy the clothes, but the man didn’t seem like he was paying attention. Instead, he just kept gawking at Libidine’s half-exposed ass.
“Don’t worry about it, son.” He motioned for me to put my money away. “Just bring those two beautiful ladies around here more often, and we’ll call it square.”
“Thank you so much, sir!” I reached out, shook the man’s hand, and then turned around to my friends. “Now, who’s ready to eat?”
The four of us walked over to the restaurant side of the truck stop, and I was hit with the aroma of buttery homemade mashed potatoes mixed with freshly seared steak and a hint of hoppy light beer.
Cupi and Libidine plopped happily into a booth halfway down the restaurant. I sat down across from them and slid across the vinyl seat toward the window. As I slid, my hip crashed into an unseen force, and Todd let out a yelp.
“Hands off the merchandise, bro,” Todd’s disembodied voice laughed.
“Good evening, folks!” an overly excited waitress greeted us.
The woman in front of us had to have been in her late twenties or early thirties at the latest. She wore her strawberry red hair back in a ponytail, and her hair stuck out from the clasp of her black baseball cap. She wore a tight red v-neck underneath the apron that hung off her torso and carried a handful of straws and her notepad. The server’s jeans clung to her wide hips, and I could nearly hear Todd’s heart beating through his chest when she leaned over the table to take our order.
“What can I get started for you tonight?” she said as she batted her emerald green eyes directly at me.
Todd started to say something beside me, but I cut him off with a nudge from my elbow. Whatever he was thinking, it was probably pervy as hell, and the last thing we needed was more attention.
“Steak.” I smiled. “Medium rare, with a side of the asparagus and mashed potatoes.”
“We will also have what he’s having.” Cupiditas pointed back and forth between Liby and herself.
“How wouldya like those cooked, darlings?” the waitress asked.
“As raw as you can make them.” Libidine added with a raised finger.
“Rare it is,” the redhead noted.
“One last thing,” I added. “We want an order of your ‘Sunflower State Breakfast Sampler’ to share.”
“I’ll get that right in for you,” the woman smiled and motioned for us to pass over our menus.
All three of us closed our menus and passed them over to the redhead who smiled and bounced away happily.
Seconds later, Todd reappeared beside me with his hand held over his heart. He threw back his head overdramatically and covered it with his free arm.
“I’m in love, bro,” he panted. “That red fox of a waitress is the one. I just know she is!”
I laughed. “Todd, are you sure you’re not just thinking with your dick?”
Todd’s face grew serious. “She’s super fucking hot, man. If I was still in my human form, I’d totally ask you to be my Goose right now.”
“Why can’t I still be your wingman?” I asked Todd with a playful slap on his shoulder. “I thought chicks digged your new bod?”
“They do,” Todd shook his head. “They also dig my massive schlong.”
“I did not need to know that,” I interrupted. “So what’s the problem then?”
“I think I’m just gonna watch this one from afar.” The imp shrugged. “She may be my soulmate, but I don’t think she’s ready for what the Toddster could give her.”
“Awww,” Libidine cooed. “Is Todd shy?”
“Dudette, anyone who knows me knows that’s the farthest thing from the truth,” he laughed.
“Your face is turning red,” Cupiditas joked.
“It’s always red!” Todd protested. “Look, I just don’t want to give her a heart attack. I love being an imp, but it’s a lot to take in for a first-timer. And I’m not just talking about my shlong.”
“You know,” Cupi interrupted, “Once Jacob gets a little stronger with his powers, you’ll be able to shapeshift. Maybe even back into your old body? You could even make yourself look like whoever you want.”
“That might actually be the ticket…” Todd scratched his chin and thought. “I can turn back into my saggy old mortal self to put the moves on the ladies and then change into this Temple of Todd as soon as the deal is sealed!”
The imp reached over, placed both of his tiny hands on my cheeks, and then pulled me down so that I could look him in the eye.
“We have to get you stronger, bro,” he declared. “Pronto.”
“Let’s just focus on one thing at a time,” I chuckled as I looked up and saw our waitress returning with our food.
As the redheaded woman sat the plates down on the table, I couldn’t help but be giddy. It felt like eons since I had eaten a proper steak dinner. With Todd and I’s financial situation, we were always more of a ‘ramen noodles and milk’ kind of household.
Both of the succubi salivated at the sight of the tender ten-ounce hunk of nearly raw meat in front of them as well as the fluffy, buttery potatoes and supple, aromatic asparagus spears. Then there were the breakfast items.
Todd always said that it was the most important meal of the day, so I was sure that I ordered him something special. The sampler platter had six golden-brown pancakes topped with a square of rich butter, crispy and greasy bacon, a large portion of over-easy eggs with crunchy wheat toast, and then four sausages that were nearly as big as my entire hand.
“Enjoy, guys,” the waitress smiled and turned to walk away.
“Ooof. I should have ordered some fries to go with that shake.” Todd’s disembodied voice snickered beside me.
“Hey, I offered.” I reminded the imp who was already digging into the breakfast sampler.
I turned my attention back to the succubi, who were literally tearing into their steaks. Each time they took a bite, they let out a primal grunt as if their life depended on the destruction of the entrée in front of them. They both looked up at me and stopped as they saw my obvious concern. Blood dribbled down Cupi’s face, and she gave me a big smile.
“Is something wrong?” she asked around a mouthful of steak. “You haven’t touched yours at all yet.”
“You’re supposed to do it like this.” I laughed as I grabbed my knife and fork and started cutting into the meat.
“Our way is more efficient.” Libidine chuckled. “It’s how we eat everything back home. If you don’t devour the meat quickly, then how do you keep your enemies from stealing it?”
“That’s not a problem here on Earth Realm.” I shook my head and clicked my tongue. “But be my guest. Just don’t blame me for all the stares you’re getting.”
The girls devoured their steaks in a few more bites and then moved on to their puffy mashed potatoes. Cupi picked up a handful of the fluffy white cloud and pushed it into her mouth. She savored the delicious side dish before nodding in approval.
“This is quite good.” She smiled through the juice and potatoes on her face. “Much better than Vargrats.”
“I know what to do with these.” Libidine picked up the sausage off the plate and examined it.
The dark-haired succubus shoved the entire thing into her mouth, stopping at about the halfway point to take a breath and gag, and then swallowed it whole. I heard a coffee mug fall to the floor and shatter somewhere across the restaurant.
Cupi, not wanting to miss out on the fun, grabbed one of the other sausages.
“A lot of girth on this thing, eh?” she said as she wiggled it back and forth.
“That’s never stopped you before.” Liby chuckled. “What’s the matter? Are you afraid I’ve surpassed you in skill?”
“Never,” the blonde succubus said with a smirk.
Cupi shoved the sausage into her mouth
, looked over at her sister, and then swallowed it in one gulp.
“See? I didn’t even have to pause to catch my breath,” she cooed.
“Oh well.” Liby shrugged. “I’ll just have to get some more practice with Jacob. He’s about as big as these things.”
“The sooner we finish off Azazel, the sooner we can move on to more important things like that.” I winked at the dark-haired woman.
“I think I need an adult,” Todd laughed as he gulped down the remainder of his food.
The redheaded waitress returned with our check, and I handed her two fifty-dollar bills.
“Keep the change.” I nodded. “Trust me, my friend would want you to have it.”
“Call me!” Todd’s disembodied voice called out as we headed towards the exit of the truck stop.
When we got back to Lola, Todd hopped up into the seat and sighed.
“She was the one, Jakey,” he looked off into the distance. “We have to come back here and find her once I can turn back into my old self.”
“I’ll see what we can do.” I smiled and slid behind the dashboard.
“Near. Far. Wherever we are.” He nodded.
“Yes Todd, I under--”
“Even if I have to walk five hundred miles and then five hundred more.” He continued.
“Are you done?” I chuckled with a raised eyebrow.
“I could keep going for hours,” Todd laughed. “But since you asked so nicely…”
“Alright then.” I smiled. “Onwards to New England!”
I revved up the engine on the yellow sedan which responded with a guttural cough. Then we pulled out of the unfinished parking lot and headed to the interstate, back toward our mission.
I continued driving for hours as day turned into dusk and dusk turned into night. As we passed through Missouri, I briefly considered making a pitstop at my old stomping grounds in Kansas City. Then I realized that I would have to explain to my parents why I was traveling with two sex-crazed succubi and why my best friend was now a three-foot tall imp.
The two women dozed peacefully in the back of the vehicle while Todd was reclined in the passenger seat with a joint in his mouth. I turned up the radio to try to keep myself awake, but it had already been a long day. We were going to have to find a hotel here pretty soon.
Then I saw it in the rearview mirror. Out of the pitch-black of the night arose two headlights. There had been nobody else on the road for miles, so I thought that it was probably just a cop who’d been setting a speed trap. The vehicle didn’t flash any red and blue lights, and I began to wonder what the hell was going on.
Then I heard a sound that was too familiar. A series of popping noises in succession. At first, I thought that maybe Lola was backfiring. The right side mirror of the car shattered from the impact of an unseen force, and that’s when I knew exactly what was going on.
Whoever was back there was shooting at us.
Chapter 18
“Fuckfuckfuckfuck!” I called out as I swerved the car to dodge another hailstorm of bullets.
The sudden movement knocked the succubi awake with a gasp. Todd’s stoned-out body simply flopped over in the seat as the car lurched side to side, and the imp looked around completely confused.
“What’s going on, Jacob?” Libidine asked as she rubbed her eyes.
“Somebody’s followed us and is trying to-- Get down!” I yelled out at the two women in the backseat.
All three of us were able to duck just as Lola’s back window shattered. My hands went up over my face as chunks of plastic from the dash sprayed through the interior of the vehicle. The popping sound halted, and I patted my chest with my free hand to make sure I was still all in one piece. There was a half-inch hole in the seat beside me, but we all seemed to be alive and well.
That is, other than Todd.
The imp reached up and touched the spot on his head where his left horn used to be. Now, all that remained was a half-inch, jagged black stump.
“My horn!” he cried. “My beautiful horn!”
“I thought man made weapons couldn’t hurt demons?” I asked the experts in the back as I swerved to dodge another hailstorm.
“They must be enchanted,” Cupiditas warned.
“Can you see what we’re dealing with?” I said to the succubi as Lola lurched to the left once more.
“There’s a muzzle flash coming from the roof and there has to be a driver.” Libidine squinted back at our assailants. “I can barely see anything.”
“Either of you want to get a little closer for some reconnaissance?” I suggested to the succubi.
“I’ll do it.” Cupi winked. “I like to get my hands dirty.”
The blonde succubus grabbed the handle on her door and threw it open. She thrust herself out into the night sky, followed by a burst of purple flames as her wings emerged from her back and lifted her up towards the stars and out of sight.
In the rearview mirror I could barely make out what was going on behind us. I saw the muzzle flare of our assailant’s gun change direction, assumedly to bring down the fallen angel as a wave of baseball-sized fireballs retaliated from above.
Asphalt was thrown into the sky with a burst of flame, and the squeal of tires on pavement sang as our attackers’ vehicle swerved out of the way of the Hellfire. Unfortunately for these assholes, the flash produced by Cupi’s magic briefly illuminated the surrounding area. I could see that they were driving an unmarked white cargo van and that Liby’s observation was correct, there were only two men in the vehicle.
While the men were distracted by the flying blonde, Libidine took the opportunity to launch her own assault. The curvy succubus stuck the top half of her body out the window and hurled yellow daggers at the white van. The headlights swerved again to avoid the magical thrown blades, but then continued straight.
Through the night air, I heard one of the men let out a horrified scream of agony, and the muzzle flash stopped. Cupi got him, but it didn’t sound like he was dead yet.
The driver must have had a firearm of his own because another series of shots rang out from behind us. In the mirror, I saw the purple glow from Cupi’s wings as they went airborne once again.
“Todd, take the wheel.” I ordered my friend.
The imp saluted, and then scurried over and stood on top of my lap, reached up with his tiny palms and, took control of his precious Lola.
“I hope you didn’t forget to bring the ones, Jakey,” he cackled with glee. “I don’t give out lapdances for free!”
Now that I didn’t have to worry about keeping us on the road, my hands were free to fuck up the assholes behind us. I twisted my torso in the seat, reached out the window, closed my eyes, and summoned a three-foot wall of purple flame directly in front of the speeding van.
The driver tried to break, but it was far too late. The nose of the vehicle smashed into the barrier, and both assailants were violently thrown from the van. Before they could hit the ground, Cupiditas swooped down and grabbed the passenger.
The driver, on the other hand, was not so lucky.
He threw up his hands helplessly to try to break the fall, but his arms did nothing but ram backward, shooting his bones out through his elbows as his body impacted the rocky asphalt. His face collided with the ground, and his brains splattered across the Missouri interstate. The man continued to skid for a few more feet, leaving a trail of gore and bone fragments behind as it went.
“Pull ‘er over, Todd.” I instructed the imp and pointed to the side of the road.
The Volvo rolled to a stop, and the three of us scrambled out of the vehicle towards Cupiditas, who had landed about thirty feet away from the wreckage. In her grasp was the surviving assailant, who took one look at his partner’s splattered remains, fell to his knees, and began to hurl.
The succubus didn’t give him much of a chance to recover before she yanked him up by his arm, and the man let out a scream of pain.
“I already broke it,” she hissed as we st
opped at her side. “Now I’m going to rip it off if you don’t start talking. Who sent you?”
“Fuck you.” The assailant spat out blood at Cupi’s feet and then looked at us. “And fuck your little midget. And your fugly-ass car.”
Todd jumped up and lashed out at the blond assassin with his left hand. The imp’s claws caught the man’s right eyeball, and the attack sliced it open like a grape and pulled it out of its socket.
The assassin shrieked in agony as he fumbled to push his eye back in place. Instead, his panicked motions just smooshed the eyeball even further.
The whole scene made me remember that even if Todd was a laid back stoner, he was still a deadly creature straight out of Hell. It made me glad that he was on our side.
“Insult me all you want, bro,” Todd growled. “But don’t insult my baby.”
“Who gave you those enchanted bullets?” Cupi spat once more.
“Why… why the fuck would I talk?” the assassin said with a labored heave of his chest. “I’m already bleeding out anyways.”
“Because, believe it or not,” the blonde warned, “we can make your last moments much, much more unpleasant.”
“I don’t even know his name,” the assailant coughed. “He mostly stood in the shadows when he talked to us. Israel? Azrael?”
“Azazel,” I corrected.
“He gave us some special bullets,” he weakly explained. “Told us to look for a shitty yellow car with two hot women that’d be passing through here. We were supposed to kill the man. That’s all I know.”
Cupi looked at me and raised her eyebrow. I knew she was asking if I wanted to kill the man, and my mind spun for a few moments when I thought about the decision. On one hand, I’d never killed a man before, but on the other hand, these two assholes had taken money to kill me. Should I just forgive and forget? Was that even smart when this guy could come after me again? He was probably just a pawn in this whole battle between Azazel and me.
Then again. This wasn’t actually a battle. This was a war.
“I’ll do it,” I said as ice began to kill my stomach.
Cupi nodded and then stepped away from the man. His eyes grew wide as I raised my hand, but then a red flash of Hellfire emerged from my palm and burned his head off his shoulders.