The Fool

by P. J. Belden

  “Listen, I know you aren’t looking to make friends right now. The stay away from me vibe is plain as day. But I want you to know, that you can talk to me. I’m not looking for a date or sex… Just friendship. Everyone could use a friend.”

  A single tear rolls down my cheek before I can stop it. I’m not even sure where it came from. The constant ache in my chest, the silence that surrounds me, the fear that I’m turning into an alcoholic? I don’t know, but something inside me clicked, or maybe broke completely, I’m not sure.

  “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you…”

  “No, no you didn’t. Do you know what it’s like to have everything in one second and then have nothing the next? To drown in the pain and memories daily to the point that you feel as though you can’t operate without it being grief driven?”

  He looks at me with a thoughtful look on his face, as if he is contemplating what I just said. “I don’t know. I mean, I love my asshole with everything that I am.”

  It burst out of my chest before I could stop it. I laughed for the first time in a very long time. He looks at me with a smirk on his face.

  “Sorry,” I apologize as I try to get my laughter under control.

  “Don’t apologize, I said it that way on purpose. You looked too sad.” He smiles sadly. “But to your question, I’m not sure that mine compares to yours. Though I know nothing about what you’ve gone through, I get the feeling it’s a lot worse than a cheating asshole.”

  “Yeah,” I say sadly. “Maybe, but it doesn’t mean yours is inconsequential. Our pains may vary but can be the same intensity because we are all different people. We handle things differently.”

  He got up for a minute and came back with what looked to be pop in a glass. I give him a questioning look. He smirks.

  “I don’t drink anymore. Too terrified.”

  “Considering you don’t exactly think the best drunk, I’d say that’s a good idea.”

  Blushing he looks down at his drink for a moment. “It was the scariest moment of my life. I thought that I had it under control. It was only a few blocks from my apartment. I just wanted to drink away her memory. It hurts too much to remember her. To see her run into the arms of that old guy.” He says sadly staring down into his cup as he turns his straw in circles.

  “How did it happen? The accident I mean,” I ask quietly.

  “I was driving and thought I was good. I could almost see my apartment building. Then I thought I saw her. When I turned to look, my foot hit the gas, and the steering wheel turned in the direction I was looking. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in the hospital. They told me that I had hit a pole, knocked out the power for two blocks. The pole had fallen back on my car. They said it was just shy of hitting me squarely in the head.”

  “Well, you look like you’re doing good.”

  “Amazingly, I only suffered some minor injuries compared to what could have happened or what I could have done to someone else.” He swallows hard.

  Nodding my head, I blurt out without thinking. “It was a stupid decision on your part.”

  He looks up with a smirk on his face, his blonde hair sporting that bed head look, and his blue eyes carrying the sadness I know all too well. “Don’t take it easy on me or anything.”

  Though he jokes, I know what I said was wrong and hurtful. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “No, it’s okay. It’s no different than what I got from my friends and my family. I deserve it. It was a stupid decision. I know the price of that stupid, reckless decision first hand.”

  Nodding, I remain silent for a moment. They say that everyone has that turn around moment. That moment that clears everything up for them. Everyone but me it seems. Instead, I feel like I fall deeper and deeper into this black abyss of pain.

  A foreign feeling warms the top of my hand. Looking up, I see the concerned look of Alexander.

  “Hey, sometimes it helps to talk about it.” He says softly.

  “Did it help you?” I squeak out past the tears.

  Smirking, he removes his hand. “Well, in a way, yes. When a blabbed to you that day, it allowed me to breathe a little. My heart still breaks at the thought of being in the bed we shared for almost a year, but I got home that night knowing that I could make it. Just now I know drunk isn’t it,” he laughs.

  A small chuckle fills the air. “I was with the love of my life for five years. He was amazing. My protector, my heart, and soul. One night he was telling me all these romantic things about how much he loved me, how much I meant to him and then he showed me. I fell asleep with him wrapped around me the happiest I thought I’d ever be.”

  Tears fall rapidly down my cheeks. Not even my family has gotten the full story from me. Yet here I am getting ready to admit it all to a stranger. My chest ached.

  “I woke up alone. The bed beside me was cold. He’d been gone for a while. I… I…” I broke off on a sob. “I text and called him so many times, but they went unanswered. Pathetically, I kept calling him until about a year ago. I had to. I…” Clearing my throat, I wipe the tears from my cheeks. “I was pregnant. He deserved to have a chance to be in his life.” Shaking my head, I suck in deep breaths, but fail to get enough air into my burning lungs.

  Alexander kneels in front of me and holds my hands in his. He doesn’t say anything, just simply runs his thumbs in circles on the tops of my hands and hums a soft tune. Slowly, the rotation of his thumbs and the humming calms me down.

  “There you go,” he smiles when my eyes meet his. “You have held that in for too long, uh. I’m sorry I don’t know your name,” he laughs.

  A half sob, half laugh escapes. “Waverly,” I sniffle. “My name is Waverly.”

  “Beautiful name,” Alexander says as he returns to his seat. “Unique. Not old like mine,” he jokes.

  “I think you should go by Xander. It seems more you than your full name.”

  “My asshole called me Alex,” he smirks.

  Scrunching up my nose, I shake my head. “What are you fifty?”

  “How about you can call me Xander? Then if we ever run into each other, I’ll know it’s you.”

  “Fine.”

  The conversation lulls for a bit. I downed my new round of shots. Running my finger over the lip of the glass, I take a deep breath and speak in a soft whisper.

  “His brother called me to tell me to stop calling that they wanted to be left to grieve. I, of course, asked to grieve what. My stomach dropped, and I felt like I was going to be sick when he said the loss of his brother. He… He only had one brother. I hung up the phone and cried harder than I thought I could. Here I was getting so mad, so hurt by his actions…”

  “You feel guilty?”

  “I do. Something made him leave that night. What was it? Was it me? If I made him leave that night…” I broke off on another sob. “And I hated him. I was so angry for him leaving me alone through all this, and he was gone. Why didn’t he just stay with me? Why?”

  “I can’t give you the answer to that Waverly, but I can imagine that he loved you deeply. You know that he didn’t just decide to never come back. He couldn’t come back. That should offer some solace, right?”

  Looking him straight in the eyes, I snap, “Would the death of your girl bring you solace?”

  Instantly, I see the pain cloud his eyes and know the answer before he gives it. It wouldn’t make him feel any better. In fact, it only makes it worse.

  “Just forget it,” I push up from my chair and walk over to the bar and pay my tab, and his drink, and left the bar without looking back.

  Four

  Alexander

  I watch her leave the bar, and a funny feeling settles in my stomach. Pulling out my phone, I type Jenna a text.

  Me: I’m not bugging you in your new life. Just wanted to thank you for being a part of mine. I wish you the very best.

  Sliding the phone back into my pocket, I walk to the bar to pay up.

  “She paid it fo
r you,” the bartender says.

  My face flames bright red. “Then put two rounds on her tab,” I say handing over a bunch of bills.

  “She’s going through a lot,” the man says sadly.

  Nodding my head, my chest tightens with sadness. “I know.” I tap the bar top twice before walking away.

  Stepping outside, I look up at the sky. The fact that Waverly is going through so much is a clear understatement. I thought the weight pushing down on me with Jenna’s sudden betrayal had been a lot. Shaking my head at my stupidity, I shove my hands in my pockets and start to walk out to the car. After a few steps, I hear a horn honk and jump a bit from the sudden intrusion to my thoughts. Turning, I see Waverly banging her head on the steering wheel of a ruggedly looking Jeep.

  Throwing caution to the wind, I walk over to her car and rap lightly on her window. She jumps and looks at me. After a moment’s pause, she opens her door and climbs down.

  “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bit your head off. It’s just all so raw. It’s not your fault, so, I’m sorry.”

  “You didn’t upset me,” I tell her softly. Actually, I hurt for her. For a beautiful, young woman to go through so much pain, it just doesn’t seem right. No one should have to go through the death of someone they loved and her child not ever know their father. “It has to be hard to have your child that is a reminder of your loss. I was sad for you.”

  Her eyes went glassy, and she looked off into the woods behind the bar. She doesn’t speak for a while. When she does finally talk, it’s in such a low, broken whisper that I barely hear her. However, it doesn’t stop the impact of her words.

  “He was taken from me too. He’s with his father.”

  A tear falls down her cheek, and I can’t stop myself. I pull her into my arms and hold her to my chest. My heart is breaking like it all had happened to me.

  “That’s not fair. Not fair at all. I’m so sorry.”

  “He suffered so badly. He had a bad valve in his heart, and there was intestinal damage. The first time I held him was the last time I held him. How do you move on from that?”

  Smirking, I look down at her. “By moving forward. No one will ever take those memories from you, but you can use your son as a reason to live life, if not because of you, but because he couldn’t.”

  Nodding her head sadly, her eyes drop down to my chest. “I don’t even know how to do that anymore. To live. I’ve been hiding from the world for several months now.”

  “You’re not hiding from me.” I found myself saying before I even realized it.

  Where the hell had that come from?

  “Um,” she hesitates on a reply. An expression close to pain crosses her face. It causes my stomach to sink. I honestly don’t know why I said what I did, but now that I have, I can’t seem to let it go.

  “Look, I know that you are hurting. So am I. But what if we can heal each other? Find happiness beyond the pain that follows us?”

  Waverly steps back from me, and I let her go. She runs her hands through her long hair almost nervously. In my head, this all makes sense. Of course, my pain isn’t of complete loss such as Waverly, but I know this is the right thing. Two broken souls heal each other and find the reason for all the pain. There must be a reason she’s all I’ve thought about for the past week. The reason I pulled myself together after everything fell apart.

  “I know what I’m asking of you, Waverly. I do. If you wish to say no, I will back off. But we ran into each other for a reason. I just want to figure out what it could be. Don’t you want a chance to be able to think of your ex and your child without suffocating with sorrow?”

  “But it has to be dating? Why can’t we just be friends?” She asks her voice shaking.

  “We can take it slow,” I hedge. “In the time that I’ve known you, albeit limited, I can’t quit thinking about you.”

  Waverly smiles softly. “You’re not Superman. I have a lot of baggage…”

  “I know. I don’t care. We all have baggage.”

  Her beautiful doe eyes stare up at me. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m pushing this so hard. I’m barely out of a broken relationship, trust is hardly even a fine thread at this point. Yet, I don’t want her leaving here without an answer to a question I seriously have no right even asking.

  What the hell is wrong with me? I need to let her walk away. Walk away, Alexander, walk away!

  “I don’t know if I can be the kind of girlfriend you want or need. But if we take it slow…” she trails off as she bites her plump lower lip.

  A smile spreads across my face as a strange feeling fills my chest. “Slow as a snail if need be,” I joke as I slowly move in to give her a hug.

  Her laughter lifts my heavy heart and pushes all other pains from my chest. I get the feeling that laughing isn’t normal for her. It makes the sound mean even more to me. Determination fills my puffed-up chest as I make a vow to continue to give her reasons to laugh.

  “Now that I got you over that hurdle with me…” I wink at her. “How about a date tomorrow?”

  She laughs again. “Wow, you are an eager beaver, aren’t you?”

  “An eager beaver? Seriously, who says that?” I laugh.

  “I’ve always said it. My mom said it to me a lot as a child. When something I was excited about what was supposed to happen, I got all eager and chomped at the bit until it happened.”

  Smirking down at her, I stare at her for a moment. A child so full of life and a woman barely living, it is such a stark difference. A deeper part of me wonders if that woman still lives deep down inside of the saddened woman. Furthermore, could I help her find that person?

  “When I was a child, I thought my name was ‘Stop squirming.’ It was all my father said to me. I could hardly sit still.”

  Waverly smiles. “So, you were the kid at the lunch table that would stand to eat, right?”

  Laughing, I nod my head. “Yes! I spun on the seats or danced back and forth. My father hated it. I was diagnosed with ADHD. My father always said it was because I took all his energy, that I didn’t have nothing wrong with me.”

  “My parents would always say ‘If I had half your energy…’. My mom always thought that I could save the world. I told her I would one day.”

  “Have you?” I ask all humor leaving my voice.

  “I thought I was making progress, but then the world claimed me,” she says softly.

  Wanting to bring the smile back to her face, I jumped in front of her. “You would have laughed your butt off if you lived in my house. My two sisters would beat the crap out of me. No joke. They were strong.”

  “Well, I hope you didn’t swing back?” She smiles.

  “Nope, my dad would have beat my ass.”

  Waverly shocks me by hitting me in the gut and taking on a fighting stance with a huge grin on her face. Holding my stomach, I smile at the image before me. There is a small amount of a twinkle in her eyes, and I hope to keep it there.

  “Come on, I bet I can beat you,” she teases.

  Laughing, I shake my head and cross my arms over my chest. “Nuh-uh, not only would my father kick my ass, but so would my sisters. I’m not walking down that dark road.”

  Dropping her arms to her side, she fake pouts. “Aww, you’re no fun.”

  “How about that date tomorrow?” I ask as silence falls between us.

  “Where do you want to meet?”

  Confusion clouds my face. “You’ve been on a date before, right? The man is supposed to pick up the woman… and all that other fluffy stuff.”

  Embarrassment tinges her cheeks as she looks down at the ground. “I’m a very private person. No one knows where I live. Even my family doesn’t know.”

  “Oh.” It is all I can say.

  Would she ever let me in?

  “It’s nothing against you. It’s me. I need this breakaway. It’s my solace.” The pleading in her eyes causes me to sigh and let the issue drop for now. It really is meant for a longer standing relatio
nship.

  “What about Warren’s Steakhouse?” I ask as I study her features.

  “Yeah, that sounds good. We need to get there before it gets busy, though.”

  “Yes, so we should meet there about… What? Four-thirty?”

  A small, shy smile spreads across her face. “Yes.”

  “Great!”

  Walking her to her car, I open her car door and tell her goodbye. Standing there, I shove my hands in my pocket and watch as she drives away. For the first time, I look forward to tomorrow.

  “Will you two shut up and listen to me?” I half scream in exasperation.

  When I got home, my nerves got the better of me. I sat on my couch trying to distract myself from what tomorrow might bring. The only problem was that it wasn’t working. So, now, here I am having my ear drum blown by my obnoxious sisters as I try to figure out how I should handle my date tomorrow with Waverly. Shaking my head as my sisters continue to argue with each other, I walk into the kitchen and grab a glass of water.

  “Val, you know that that shit doesn’t do anything,” Cam shouts at our oldest sister.

  “We haven’t been broken either. They need to talk. He needs her to be comfortable with him,” Valerie argues.

  “Ugh! Listen, I called in hopes of getting rid of my headache from stressing over this, but you two turn it into a damn fight again.”

  There’s a lull in the conversation. I’m not sure if it’s due to my bluntness toward them or if they are currently texting each other and probably my father. They could be so damn childish. Honestly, at this point, I should have just called my father, Benjamin, and asked him. Only he’s never been out on a date or with another woman since my mom passed away fifteen years ago.

  “Okay,” Cam says. “Val is probably right. Her simplistic approach could get this woman to open up a little more. Make her see the good guy you are.”

  “Thank you,” Val says with a sigh. “You haven’t told us her story, so I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but let her see who you are. The son, the baby brother, the gentleman. But don’t try to get in her pants Alexander,” she warns. “If she’s broken as you explained, then you’ll just scare her off.”