The Fool

by P. J. Belden

  “I think I’m going to go home tonight, though. That way we meet just as we did before. I can surprise you with wearing something sexy.” I laugh.

  “Okay,” he says without fighting me like he used to do. I knew then leaving tonight is the right thing for me to do. Moreover, I know already without even having to think things through that my decision has already been made for me. Xander just made it without realizing it. In that one single word, he let me go and I have no choice but to let him walk away. I can’t have my true love back, but he has that option. It would be wrong of me to stand in the way. Right?

  Last night was a very long sleepless night. Today has been unproductive as far as writing or anything else. Instead of trying to clear my head and think about Xander and I and what the right thing to do is, I chose to fall back to an old habit. Clearing my head, I spent the whole day out on my deck staring out at the water and realizing that I have to let him go. So instead of dressing up for him, I wear jeans and a t-shirt. It’ll be easier to get drunk that way when I let him out of his need of obligation. Whether he feels it right now or not, I believe at this point that’s what I am for him. He made the strong effort to push forward with our relationship. Forced me past my comfort zones on so many things. Now, I think he owes it to me to stay. Well, he doesn’t. He deserves happiness, true happiness. I love him enough to know, I need to let him go so he can have that.

  When I arrive at the bar, he is already there texting away on his phone. By the smile on his face, I know that I’m making the right decision.

  “Hey,” I say standing in front of him.

  He jumps slightly. “Hey… I thought we were dressing up,” he looks confused. Xander looks hands too. He’s wearing black slacks that hug all the right places with a blue button up dress shirt that reminds me of past pain, but really looks great on him. At least he tried to be a part of this day, even if his mine – and more than likely his heart – isn’t truly here.

  “Nah, I’m going in here to get drunk. You can leave.”

  There’s a long pause, and I turn to walk into the bar. His tone of voice stops me in my tracks.

  “He’s not coming back, you know?” Xander spits out almost angrily.

  “Excuse me,” I ask, turning around and facing him. Shock fills every part of my body as the betrayal I feel from him fills me. He’s making this about me.

  “He’s gone, Waverly.” He says softer and stepping closer to me. “I’m standing right here trying to love you.”

  Wiping the tears that fall unchecked down my cheeks, I smile sadly as I shake my head softly. He truly can’t see that he’s not really here and hasn’t been since for at least the past couple of months. The question is now, does he really not see that or is he trying to not hurt my feelings?

  “No, you aren’t. You don’t try to love someone you just do.” Walking closer to him, I put my hands on his cheeks. “I’m not angry, but you haven’t been the same for a couple months now and definitely not since you found out you’re going to be a father. Which, by the way, I know was long before you told me. But that’s okay, you love her.”

  “Waverly listen…” Xander tries to interrupt.

  I can’t let him say anything. If he says something, I might change my mind and that would mean that we were both stuck in a relationship that almost is but will never be. It’s not a way I want to live and I sure don’t want to put that kind of pressure on him either. He deserves his happiness. He has that chance right now. I won’t take that from him. No matter how bad this is going to hurt.

  “Stop,” I say holding up my hand. “You don’t love me. You care about me, but you don’t love me.”

  Xander runs his hand through his hair obviously frustrated. “I…” He starts but closes his mouth cutting himself off.

  Looking up at the sky, rain drops begin to fall. I let the rain wash over me. The minute Jenna came back in his life announcing that she was pregnant, I knew that he too would be leaving me. This is my fault. She may never have contacted him if I hadn’t interfered. But what’s done is done. Knowing Xander, he would stay just because he didn’t want to hurt anyone. So, I know that I need to stay strong so he can go have the family he’s always dreamed of. Yes, it’s breaking me down, but I won’t show him. He deserves his family and the love of his life back.

  “I’m not upset. She’s who you’re meant to be with. Go to her. Raise your family, get your life back. I will be just fine.”

  He stands there blinking the water from his eyes. Those normally bright irises are dimmed with sadness but full of hope at the same time. It’s the hope I see in those depths that breaks my heart completely. However, it also confirms that I’m doing the right thing.

  “I really did try to love you.” He says hanging his head.

  “I know you did. Go on. I’ll be fine. And all my things are out of your apartment. So you don’t have to worry about my things being there when you bring her home to you. I also had washed the sheets… I removed me from your home.”

  He’s silent for several moments. “I’ll stay in touch. You are, and will always be, a friend of mine.”

  Nodding my head, I smile and wave to him as I turn around to the place that had become our place and head into, if nothing else, to watch him leave. Once inside, I watch him through the window as he smiles talking on the phone. Then he turns and runs for his truck. The pain I feel now is all my fault. It is dumb for me to fall for a guy that was still in love with someone else.

  “I love you, Xander. I’ll miss you,” I whisper as the tears begin to fall faster. “Please be happy.”

  All this only makes me nothing more than the fool for falling in love with a man that could never love me back. Suddenly, the name for the movie I have been working so hard on comes to me. I truly will miss Xander. Though he says he’ll stay in touch, I’m not sure I can handle seeing him with someone else knowing I gave him what I have been guarding so closely… A mistake I will not make again.

  Turning, I sit on a stool at the end of the bar. Randal smiles until he sees my face. Hurrying and finishing with a customer, he’s in front of me in a hurry.

  “What’s wrong,” he asks, his voice full of concern.

  “I fell in love.” I deadpan.

  “And why is that a bad thing. You and Alex are great together.” He smiles until he sees my eyes fill with tears again. “You’re not together anymore, are you?” I shake my head. “What happened?”

  I go into the whole story of Xander and I. Starting from the beginning with how he wouldn’t accept no for an answer. How he swore, we were meant to be together. How things had progressed with us. Then I told him about his slip after we made love for the first time and about all the secret texting and his jumpiness. Then about what happened today.

  Randal’s mouth hangs open as he stares at me. “Um, I…”

  I give him a smirk. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to say anything. I was the fool that thought good could come from meeting in dark times.” I shrug. “Can I have a whiskey please, make it a double.”

  He nods but remains mute. Honestly, I don’t expect anything from him. Getting it off my chest is enough for now. To get my mind off the pain I feel, I ask him about his wife. His eyes light up with love and joy as he talks about her.

  I had that once. A man that looked at me like I hung the moon in the sky.

  “That is incredible, Randal. Is she throwing a shower?”

  He scrunches up his nose. “Not that I know of. Is that a normal thing?”

  My heart tightens painfully in my chest as I’m once again talking about pregnancy. “Yes. Actually, nowadays, the men have one as well. Theirs is a little different from what the females do… more manly things I guess. I’m not a man, so I never attended one,” I laugh, but even to my ears, I can tell how fake it sounds.

  Thankfully he’s summoned to the other end of the bar. I toss my shot back and let the burn warm my ice cold insides. Not really wanting to be around anyone, I stand up and look to get Rand
al’s attention when something catches my eyes. I freeze in my spot. My stomach churns rapidly sending a burning into my throat.

  In all my life, I will never forget those icy blues. His hair is longer, though, the windblown style with the black waves that seems to circle his face and bring his eyes out even more. Looking down at my shot glass, I wonder what the hell he put in my drink for a moment. When I look back up, he starts moving toward me.

  My heart jumps into my throat, and suddenly I can’t breathe. The trembling starts in my hands and spreads out rapidly throughout my body. My heart races so quickly that the only sound I can hear is the sound of the blood rushing in my ears. Everything disappears, and panic begins to kick in again.

  Those blue eyes, that face… “Legend,” I breathe when he’s almost within touching distance.

  Before he can say anything to me, I turn around and run from the bar. I hear my name being called, but I ignore it and continue to run to my jeep and jump in as quickly as I can. Peeling out of the bar parking lot, none of it was true. It couldn’t be.

  My life is a big fucking joke, and I’m the damn fool standing in the center of it all letting it kill me piece by piece. As I ran inside my house, I locked the doors made sure all the windows were locked and went into my office and sat at the computer.

  Once again, my fingers begin to move with a purpose. In a matter of hours, I finish the last of the movie. After hours of going over it and adding and removing a few things, I make the phone call that I thought would be for completely different reasons.

  “Carver? It’s Angel. I have the second movie done. I’ve sent it your way.”

  “Great! What’s the name of it?”

  “The Fool.”

  Nine

  Alexander

  Sitting on the couch, Jenna leans against me like she’d always done when we watched television together. Her hair is up in this messy bun look, and her face has this green mask on it. It smells nasty. I’ll never understand why women put themselves through some of the things they do.

  Yet as I sit here, something is missing. Something seems off. I rub my fingers up and down Jenna’s arm, and she wiggles a little. Turning her head, she looks up at me.

  “That’s tickling me,” she says in a knock it off tone.

  “Sorry,” I mumble and still my fingers.

  Once again, I’m wondering if I made the right choice. Waverly may not have been all mine, but at least the part that was mine was all mine. Jenna has changed since I saw her last. Or maybe it’s me who has changed.

  Turning my attention back to the movie, I watch as a couple is unbelievably happy. Not just your run of the mill, normal kind of happy. No, it almost seems too cheesy. Happiness is found in many layers, I suppose. The happiness of this couple is envious and leaves you wondering if that kind of happiness out there. I wonder if that happiness is what I walked away from or walked back to.

  “Why do you stay then Lance? If it’s so miserable for you, why do you stay?”

  Lance looks down at the ground, kicking at nothing. He shoves his hands into his pockets and turns to look out over a very large lake. A deep sigh leaves him.

  “Look, Lance, I know you don’t like talking about what goes on at home, but I can’t keep pretending I don’t see the bruises and the burns. I can’t keep pretending that it doesn’t hurt to know that you head back there every day. You have a chance to leave it behind. Danny said he’d give you a place to stay. If it’d keep you safe, why in God’s name do you stay?”

  Tears fall down Ally’s face. Her chest rising and falling rapidly with anger, sadness. She stares at Lance, who still stares out over the lake. Ally screams loudly and yanks his arm making him face her.

  “Just tell me! What is more important than your safety?”

  There’s a long pause of silence as they look at each other. “You,” Lance says softly.

  Ally shakes her head. “No, you can’t put me in that position. You need to worry about you and staying safe. You have a chance to live with your brother and be away from it all. You need to go.”

  “If I go with him, then I have to leave you behind. I’m not doing that. They can’t dish out anything I can’t or haven’t handled. If I leave you, then I lose everything.”

  Ally walks away from him for a few steps before turning around angry. “I want you to go. Go! Do you hear me? I want you to go, and if you care about me at all, then you’ll go.” She turns and runs off while he stands there staring in her direction.

  Jenna sniffles next to me. I reach to the side of me and hand her a tissue. She takes it from me and dabs her eyes before looking up at me and smiling with tears in her eyes.

  “I just love this movie. This is one of my favorite parts.” She says before turning back to the screen.

  At first, when she started playing the movie, I didn’t know what it was. Personally, I’m the typical man that will put up with a chick flick if it means to keep his woman happy. Otherwise, I’m an action or mystery kind of guy. This movie, however, I now know is by Waverly. Well, it’s by her secret identity. This is her story. That’s why the emotions are so rare and real.

  This was the love I was up against. The love that she compared me to unknowingly.

  I can see why she loved this mystery man. He was great to her. She saved him. Telling him to go when he wouldn’t have gone on his own, she saved him. As the movie progresses, he not only moves with his brother, but he works his butt off to buy a car, so he can drive the thirty minutes to see her every day. They stay together until it was time for bed. When they graduated, they moved into an apartment where their love seemed to truly find a holding.

  But then he was gone. Even I stop breathing at this point. Ally goes into a deep depression. Finds out she’s pregnant and she smiles for the first time.

  “Lance, it’s Ally again. Please call me back. I have something I need to tell you.” She says before hanging up the phone.

  Walking over to her bedroom window she looks down at the city below her. Resting her head on the window pane, she sighs.

  “Where are you, Lance? You can’t leave me this way.” A tear slides down her face.

  The movie continues through her struggle with finding out the love her life was dead, the birth of her son, and the surgeries he faced. They faced.

  “Ma’am, do you have a decision?” An unnamed nurse asks.

  “Do… Do I have to decide?” Ally asks touching the incubator her son lay in.

  “I’m afraid so, Miss. The doctors say there is nothing else they can do. You are only prolonging the inevitable.”

  Ally nods her head, and a sob escapes as she says, “Okay, but I want to hold him until…”

  “Of course,” the nurse says.

  Handing over the tiny baby to his mother, the nurse shuts everything down. Ally cries harder. They remove the monitor leads from his chest and stomach area before leaving her alone.

  “I know we didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time together and most of it was you fighting. I just want you to know, my precious baby boy, that mommy is so proud of you. I love you. I love you more than just for me, but for your father who will get to spend more time with you when you leave me. Give him my love. I’d take your place if I could because you, my boy, are worth dying for.” She sobs. “But I can’t take your place, and you’re going to leave me. I will always remember you and the precious moments we did have. When you leave, I hope you know how much I love you and will always love you. I love you so much.”

  The baby’s chest starts to slow in its rise and fall. Ally cries harder. “Please don’t leave me too. I can’t handle losing the other half of my heart. Your daddy already took a half. I won’t survive if you leave me too. Please stay with me. Please stay with me. I’ll be a good mom. I promise. Please…”

  But the baby’s chest stops moving, and a few moments later, a nurse and doctor walk in their faces etched in sadness.

  Tears fall from my eyes. Watching this movie, it gives me a whole new look
at what Waverly had gone through. To know that during our short relationship, I made her smile, it brings a sense of peace to me. Maybe I was able to help her heal as she helped me.

  “That’s how strong our love is, isn’t it?” Jenna asks looking up at me with tear tracks down her cheeks.

  I smile softly at her, wiping her cheeks dry. “It is, baby. It is.”

  There is no doubt in my head – or heart – that I love Jenna. What I doubt is that our love is that kind of strong. It’s strong, but can we survive anything like ‘Ally’ and ‘Lance’ did? That was what I was unsure of.

  She leans up and kisses me. I kiss her back. For a moment, I forget the turmoil that has been going on in my head all night. For a moment, I remember why I came back to her.

  “I love you, Jenna.”

  Smiling, she rests her head against mine. “I love you too.”

  Ten

  Waverly

  It’s been a month since I left Xander. Or maybe it’s since he left me. Either way, I’ve not heard from him once in that month. I want to be angry, but I knew when he offered to keep in touch that he wouldn’t. Oddly enough, I find that I’m not falling in on myself as I once thought I would have.

  Today, tears of joy and pain stream down my face as I look down at a cute little bundle as I hold her in my arms. She looks so much like her mother, but I can see bits of her father in her as well.

  “Dani, she’s beautiful. I’m going to be the best damn aunt in the world,” I say tears falling down unchecked.

  “I know you will,” her voice breaks and it causes me to tear my eyes away from my niece and look up at her.