by P. J. Belden
“I’m sorry. I lost my head a little that night, is all. Honest. I had a flashback, and I had to get away. Hideaway,” I wink, hoping he caught my joke.
“You can’t do that anymore. Whether you want it or not, there are people that care about you. I know you’ve been through hell and back again. I can easily tell that closing everyone out is your answer, but you can’t do that anymore. People care about you. You need to start remembering that.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again as I hand over the money for my past due bill. He looks at the money and laughs. I just can’t help but laugh with him.
Okay, so people care about me. It’s not such a hard thing to remember, but it is something to get used to. My family has only ever been the ones there for me. But they’ve never freaked out on me when I didn’t show up all the time. I may not drink like I used to, but I’ll make sure to start coming in here on a regular just so they know I’m okay.
Eleven
Waverly
“You want me to do what?” I swallow hard as panic begins to seize my throat.
Dani laughs. “Come on, I need someone to watch her for just a couple hours. Luke and I need to run out for a bit. Just a little dinner.”
“I… I…” I look down at my niece all wide-eyed and squirming. My head begins to shake as I start stepping backward from the bassinet and to the door of my sister’s bedroom. “I can’t do it.”
Without another moment’s pause, I run from the room and the house. Jumping in my jeep, I peel out and head… I don’t know where. Home reminds me of what I lost. Dani’s reminds me of what I don’t have.
My head swarms with images of my baby boy. Tears fall down my cheeks. Before I realize where I’m at, I’m walking into Hideaway. Sitting up against the wall at the bar, I put my hands shakily on the counter trying to grab at the menu in front of me. Dropping is several times, I curse loudly.
“Hey, keep it down. Kids are in here during the day.” Randal says in a teasing manner.
The look in his eyes brings out the sob that I never saw coming. “I can’t do it,” I cry. “Why can’t I do it?”
Randal reaches over the bar and hugs me. “Hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you are one of the strongest women I know. You can do anything that you put your mind to.”
Shaking my head almost violently, I know it’s not true. “No, no I can’t. If I could, I’d be at my sister’s house right now watching my beautiful little niece, but I’m not because I can’t.”
“You went through hell. You can’t expect to jump right back into what was taken from you so harshly. Anyone would understand. I’m sure your sister does. You are putting too much on yourself.”
Stepping back, I look up at Randal and am once again frozen in spot. Looking over Randal’s shoulder, I can’t even move. My mind is really having fun playing tricks on me. Randal looks at me and then where my eyes are frozen on.
“You know that guy?”
“You can see him?” I breathe.
He laughs, but I guess my pale face stops him. “Yes, why?”
“He’s my dead ex,” I say unsure if Randal can hear me or not. “I… I… I need to go,” I say to Randal and turn and run from the bar for the second time. Only this time, I don’t make it to my jeep before a hand grabs my arm.
“Waverly, wait, dammit. Why do you keep running from me?”
Spinning around, I stare at the reason my heart is broken. The reason I don’t trust good things. The reason I suffer alone. Anger takes over my shock and before I realize what I’m doing I punch him in the face. He groans and holds his eye, but I’m not done yet. I hit him in the gut, kick his knee back, and he stumbles to the ground. Moving quickly forward, I grab his face and slam it to my knee.
Just then a set of arms come around my waist and yank me off him. “Let me go! Let me go!” I scream as I jerk and squirm in my capture’s arms.
“You need to stop. You’ve broken the man’s nose for crying out loud.”
“I don’t care!” I scream. “He broke me!”
Legend looks at me with sadness in his eyes. He pinches his nose to stem the blood, but he doesn’t move from off his knees. Sitting here with blood dripping from his nose, he just stares at me like I’m the freak of nature here.
“Let me go,” I say calmer than before. “I won’t touch him.”
Randal lets go of me and huffs out a big breath. “Look, I know there is a lot of history between you two and a lot of pain on Waverly’s part. It may just be a good idea for you to leave buddy. I don’t know who you are, but I know that you are the cause of my friend’s pain and I won’t have her suffer any more than she already has.”
“I just…” he tries to sniffle. “I just want to talk, Waverly.”
“Well,” I stand taller. “I’m not sure I want to hear what you have to say.”
“Please,” he asks as he stands to his feet. “I’m not asking for anything other than to talk.”
Randal turns to me, placing his hands on my shoulders his voice is soft. “This could be a way to move forward. To let go of the past.”
“He doesn’t deserve it,” I say glaring at him over his shoulder.
“He may not, but you do.” Randal hugs me tightly. “I’m going to be right inside, probably listening, just warning you. If you need me just say so. Move forward. This is a chance to get your unanswered questions answered. Take it. I know a little niece that is missing out on their incredible aunt because of this.”
Nodding my head, he kisses my forehead and goes inside. I’m left standing in the parking lot with Legend. With my nightmare. Yet, even as the anger simmers on the surface, I have this almost uncontrollable urge to run into his arms. To feel the safety and comfort that had once come with it. No matter how bad my days had been in the past, all I needed was to be wrapped in Legend’s comforting arms, and everything was better.
But that was the past. Now, he is the reason my heart is so fragile. He’s the reason that I feel so alone. He’s the cause of all the reasons I’ve shut out the world. How in the world am I supposed to stand here in his company and listen to him talk and not want to hurt him or let him see me break down?
Everything is so close to the surface thanks to my semi-break after being unable to babysit my beautiful niece and namesake. Yet, I want to know the answers to my questions. But at the same time, I fear those answers. What if they break me more? What if I lose more of myself with each answer? Would I be able to bounce back this time? As if I’ve really bounced back fully.
Lifting my chin, I glare at him. “This is how this is going to work. I’m running this show. You’ll answer my questions. When I’m done talking, it’s over. You don’t deserve this at all. I, however, deserve to have some closure so I can move past all this shit.”
“Fair enough, but I can’t promise that I won’t have my own questions.”
“Honestly, I don’t give a damn about your questions. You chose to leave me two years ago. That’s on you. Speaking of, that’s my first question. Why’d you leave?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, if this,” he gestures to his face, “is anything to go by.”
“If you’re not going to answer my questions then I’m done here.”
He takes a step toward me as I move to go to my jeep. Whirling around, he holds his hands up in the air.
“Why did you move out of our apartment?” He asks as I continue to stare at him.
“Seriously? You disappear on me two years ago after telling me how much you loved me and how we felt. I hear nothing from you. You didn’t answer any of my calls. I waited. I fucking waited! Where did you go that night?”
His head drops to his chest and sighs in what almost sounds like defeat. “I was going to buy an engagement ring.”
I scoff.
His head snaps up. “I really was. I wanted for you to wake up with the ring sitting on the pillow with flowers and me smiling asking you to marry me. But things didn’t go well for me that n
ight.”
“I find that hard to believe considering it’s been two years since you walked out on me. I think you used me and found someone else to get what you wanted from them too.”
He takes two large steps forward and is in my face. “I love you, Waverly. I always have. It’s only ever been you,” he practically yells. “I would never cheat on you.”
Standing my ground, I shove him in the chest. “Seems far-fetched to me. Do you know what that did to me? Do you even care? Do you understand what I went through…” I cut myself off as tears start falling down my cheeks. “You… You… You were dead! Now, you’re here and…”
“Wait! Dead?” He looks shocked. “Where the hell did you get that from?”
My anger simmers a bit, for reasons I don’t understand. “What? Your brother told me a few months before I gave birth to our son.” I hiss. My anger losing the battle with the sadness.
“I have a son?” He breathes and stumbles back a little. Honestly, he looks like he’s about to faint.
“Had.”
Shaking his head, he looks at me, confusion written all over his face. “What?”
“We had a son. He lost his battle to live three months after he was born. Yet something else I had to go through alone. I had to watch him suffer from surgery after surgery. I still feel his light weight in my arms. I hear his cry that never came. I see him lying in his coffin. I relive all this… ALONE!” I scream the last word and punch him again. “I hate you Legend! Stay the fuck away from me!”
Without another word, I turn and hurry to my jeep. Hurrying out of there, I drive. Breathing is getting harder. My hands are shaking so bad that I can’t keep control of the steering wheel. Looking around me, I realize I’m close to Dani’s house. Pulling over, I stumble out of the Jeep and fumble my way to her door. Knocking, I lean against the door frame and pray she answers.
My chest squeezes with such force, I gasp from the shock of it. Just as the door opens, I collapse forward. Luke catches me.
“Not dead. He’s not dead. Not dead. He’s not dead.” I ramble like a crazy person.
“It’s okay, Waverly,” Luke says softly. “Dani!” He hollers as he looks at me with fear in his eyes.
“He’s not dead. Not dead. He’s not dead.” Is all I can manage to keep saying as my throat closes further and the panic consumes me further.
“Dani! Damn it!” He yells. “Calm down. Take some deep breaths.”
“What are you yelling… Oh my God, Waverly! What’s wrong?”
But I can’t speak. My hands clasp at my throat. I can feel my nails dig in as if I was outside of the whole situation. Then suddenly I fall down into the dark, black abyss that has been wanting to claim me for so long.
Twelve
Legend
Of everything I thought I’d have to face when I went to look for Waverly again, that definitely wasn’t anything I expected. Anger, yes. But the amount of pain and heartbreak that she carries in those beautiful emeralds of hers. The life that drew me in every time isn’t there any longer, and my chest tightens knowing it has a lot to do with me.
Walking back inside when I no longer saw a sign of her jeep, I approach the bar to pay my bill.
“She’s been through hell,” the man says.
“I know,” I reply sadly. “I don’t even know how to fix it.”
“You want to fix it?” The man asks looking me straight in the eye. “Because if you’re just playing around, you need to stop. She started coming out of her depression a few months back only to be shoved back down.”
“It’s why I’m here. I’ve loved Waverly all my life. I’ve not been complete without her.”
“If you loved her so much, why did you leave her?”
“It’s not as cut and dry as that.” Shaking my head, I sigh. “What do I owe you?”
Handing over the money, I leave because my brother has some questions to answer. Jumping in my truck, I floor it out of the parking lot. So much has happened over the course of the two years I’ve been gone. All I could think about was seeing Waverly again. Wondered how she would react to seeing me again. Of course, her beating the shit out of me never crossed my mind.
A smile tips the corners of my mouth as pride fills me. My girl can handle herself. I’m proud of her. She’s not the ‘take it laying down’ girl anymore. The small smile falls from my lips as I remember how much she’s gone through alone… without me… over the last two years.
“I might not win her back,” I admit to my empty truck.
When I left that night, I had a forever in mind. But then the night went to hell, and I was unable to come back to Waverly or even contact her. My heart has not beat since then. When I saw her in the bar a month ago, I thought I was seeing things. There was no way she’d be in a bar. The tears that streamed down her cheeks that day had taken my breath away. The last time I’d seen her cry we were kids and she was telling me I needed to move in with my brother and get away from my parents.
The pain – that I’d felt across the room from her that night – radiated off her even more today, along with anger. She had every right to be upset. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to make sure that I do everything I can to let her know how much I loved her then and how much more I love her now.
Pulling down my brother’s driveway, the anger and betrayal I feel from him starts to simmer beneath the surface. Slamming the truck door open, I jump from my vehicle and focus on the front door. If I thought about the person on the other side and the damage he’s caused I just might kick the damn door down. As pissed as I am at Peter, Kim and Little Cam don’t deserve to have the shit scared out of them like this.
My fist hit the door, and I begin to pace back and forth. Shoving my hands through my hair, I pull at the ends out of frustration. How the hell had this become my life? What was the purpose?
“Legend,” I hear Kim’s soft voice behind me. When I turn around, she gasps. “What happened to you?”
“Huh?” Confused by her reaction until I remember that my girl kicked the crap out of me because of my presence, from the grave apparently. “Oh, this,” I chuckle until I see my brother appear behind her. My glare comes quick and hard. Kim steps back immediately.
“Who do I thank for making you the prettiest girl on the block,” Peter jokes.
He steps out onto the porch smiling until my fist connects with his jaw. He stumbles backward holding his mouth. “What the hell, bro?”
Kicking his legs out from under him, he falls to the porch with a heavy thud. Grabbing a handful of his shirt, I yank him up to my face. “You told her I was fucking dead,” I hissed in his face.
“Told who, what… Oh,” he says, having the audacity to look embarrassed.
Yanking him up to where he is eye level with me, I take several deep breaths trying to maintain my temper, but my brother took it too damn far this time. Punching him in the gut, my older brother bends over with a groan. With an uppercut, the look of Waverly’s tearful face plays before my eyes. Peter stumbles backward holding his nose and staring at me in shock.
All I can see is the pain and loss that she carried on her own. Her once vibrant and happy eyes so full of love for me were clouded and full of sadness and hatred. Part of me thought I caught a glimpse of relief and love as we talked today, but I won’t get my hopes up on that.
“Uncle Legend!” Cam’s squeal of excitement broke through my anger right before he launched himself into my arms.
Catching him, I give him the biggest, strongest hug I’ve ever given him and tears fall down my cheeks as I fall to my knees. This could have been how my son greeted him. My son. I didn’t get to even meet him. What had his name been? A sob escapes as I still grip Cameron’s little body in my arms thinking of the little man I never met.
“You are squeezing me,” Cam grunts.
Releasing him, I place my hands on the porch before me. The pain sears me like nothing before. For two years, I’ve been gone. For two years, Waverly h
as thought that I didn’t want her and that I was dead. She had to handle our son’s death all on her own.
“Oh God,” I choke out.
Without a doubt, I’m the biggest bastard that ever lived. There’s nothing that I can tell Waverly that will make up for what I’ve done. She’s suffered alone, and I’m the cause of it. No matter how you look at it, I’m the cause of it.
The reason I’ve been gone this long… it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Grabbing hold of my chest, I beat it hoping it will cause the tendrils of pain and sadness to release and allow my heart to beat again. Nothing will heal that, though. The only person I have and will ever love went through hell, and I wasn’t here.
A hand on my shoulder causes me to jerk my head up. My eyes meet the concern looks of Peter and Kim.
“What’s going on,” Kim asks.
My eyes focus on my brother’s. “You told her I was dead. Why the hell did you do that?”
“I didn’t know what else to do. She kept calling your phone and then mine, and I didn’t want to risk…”
My anger rears its ugly head again. “She was calling because I just disappeared! She was calling because she was pregnant!” I yell at my brother causing Kim to move back a little.
“She was what?” Peter asks shocked.
“You have a baby?” Kim’s voice almost sounded happy.
Another tear falls down my cheek. “He passed away.” I shake my head. “I never got to watch him grow in her stomach. I never got to hold him when he was born. I didn’t get to do anything, wasn’t there for anything. And you made her believe that she didn’t matter. You broke an already broken woman.”
“I didn’t know man. I was trying to protect you. Like I could read her mind.”