First Love

by Amy Brent

  “She’s an amazing woman,” I said, smiling. “At least she was that night. I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m being drawn to her. It’s like a force I can’t control.”

  “And let me guess, no matter how hard you try to force it out of you, it keeps coming back,” she said.

  “Even stronger,” I replied, laughing. “She’s everywhere I look, in everything I do, and I don’t want to let go of it yet.”

  “Then don’t,” she whispered. “When you find her, no matter what happens, you’ll be glad you stayed the course.”

  “I hope so,” I said, looking out the window. “Because if I don’t, I might regret it the rest of my life.”

  Chapter 14

  Emma

  I always hated going to the doctor and tried to limit my visits to my yearly wellness exam. There were too many scary posters and sharp needles for me, and I was not happy to be sitting there. I had to do it, though. It had been almost a week, and I still felt as bad as the first day I went home sick. I still was barely keeping down water and food was a happy thought in the background. I felt absolutely horrible, and my head continued to pound, even as I sat on the examination table waiting for the doctor. I swung my feet back and forth reading the magazines they left in there. Finally, the doctor arrived.

  “Emma,” he said. “It’s good to see you, though maybe not under these circumstances.”

  “Dr. Holden.” I smiled at him despite my aversion to visiting the doctor. “Good to see you too.”

  “So, let’s talk about what’s going on with you.” He sat on the rolling chair and looked up at me.

  “All right. A week ago from Saturday, I started getting headaches. They were mild at the beginning of the day, but as time progressed through the day, they would become more of a pulsing nightmare,” I said. “I also have a tension or tightness in my lower back, and sometimes I can’t even lie comfortably in the bed. Last Tuesday, I threw up, and from that moment on, I felt like I was living in stomach flu hell. I can’t keep anything but water down, and that is even iffy sometimes.”

  “That sounds miserable,” he said, making notes. “What I’d like to start with is some simple bloodwork, and then we will go from there, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said, smiling at the nurse entering the room.

  She took my blood and put a bandage on my arm before smiling and walking out. See, sharp things and scary circumstances, just what I always try to avoid. I thought about my life as I waited for the doc again, about how everything had been moving forward, but now I was back in a standstill. I needed a change, something to break everything up, force my life to take a better turn. I looked up as the doctor walked back in.

  “I just have a couple of really quick questions for you that weren’t asked before,” he said.

  “Okay, shoot.”

  “Are you in a monogamous relationship?”

  “No, I’m single.”

  “When was the last date of intercourse for you?”

  “Oh, uh, Valentine’s Day, I guess,” I said, a little embarrassed.

  “Okay, I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said. “We’re running the blood test here to get the results faster so I can at least treat you for the nausea. We need you to keep food and water down, and we don’t need you getting dehydrated. It’ll make all your symptoms worse.”

  “Okay,” I said, watching him walk from the room.

  Those were strange questions, not normal for a visit with my doctor. I guessed with the way the world was going and the opportunity to explore all reasoning for my illness, they were necessary. Or maybe they were routine at this point. I wouldn’t know. I came for my once a year physical, never had any complaints, and usually was in and out within about a half an hour. The fact that they could send your blood to get read immediately was news to me, but they did it in the hospital, so why not in a facility like the one I was in? Everything had been moving toward efficiency in my town recently, so it only made sense.

  I tried to keep the nerves in my chest from taking over. It would only make me feel worse. After about fifteen minutes, the doctor knocked and entered. I put the magazine down and straightened up, watching him walk through the room reading some papers in my files. He closed the file and sat down on the stool, putting on some gloves like always and scooting toward me. My stomach dropped as I watched him, his face extremely serious. What in the world could he have found out that quickly that could cause him to change his demeanor so much? God, what if there was something really wrong with me?

  “Your blood sample showed some great results,” he said. “Your vitamins are perfect, your hydration is great, and your electrolytes aren’t terrible for you being as sick as you are.”

  “That’s good news,” I said. “So, it’s just the flu, and it will go away?”

  “No.” He put his hands in front of him. “Emma, you’re pregnant.”

  “Funny,” I said, laughing. “I see you have the same sense of humor as your dad. Seriously, though, what’s up? Do I need a prescription or just let it run its course?”

  “I’m not joking, Emma.” He opened my file. “To me, it looks like you’re a little over a month along, so your V-Day event brought you more than just roses and chocolate.”

  “Holy shit.” I immediately covered my mouth. “I’m sorry. That slipped out. How could this have happened? I mean I know how it happens but I …”

  At that moment, Brandt’s face blew into my mind and my heart sank. Visions of him and me drunk and having sex at his place cycled through like a movie. We had been so caught up in the moment, neither of us thought about using protection. How could I be so damn stupid? I sat there, all the color draining from my face as the doctor talked. His words were static in the background, and I felt like my entire world was crashing down on me.

  “Emma?”

  “Yeah,” I said, pulling myself back. “You said it was Valentine’s Day.”

  “That’s my best guess since that is the last time you had sex,” he said. “We’ll know more as time progresses, of course. In the meantime, I’m going to give you a prescription for some anti-nausea medication and prenatal vitamins. I wouldn’t take the vitamins when you’re feeling sick, and definitely take them with food. When you leave, I want you to set up your first prenatal appointment. Okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said, staring off into space.

  “Emma, take a deep breath. This isn’t the end of the world.” He patted my knee. “Take some time at home. I’ll give you a note for work, and you get your head straight.”

  “All right.” I forced a smile as he walked out of the office.

  I slowly got dressed. In fact, everything seemed to move in slow motion around me. The nurses smiled sweetly, handing me my appointment cards, prescriptions, and whatever else I would need. I went to the new pharmacy in town, knowing no one there would know who I was when I put in an order for prenatal vitamins. The last thing I needed was the entire town knowing. When my prescription was ready, I paid for it and headed to my house, going inside and sitting down on the couch. I was in a complete daze, my mind thinking about the fact that there was a tiny person growing inside of me, and it was half Brandt’s.

  I felt like I was in some terrible made-for-television movie that was there to warn girls about the dangers of one-night stands. I didn’t know anything about Brandt besides the fact that he had a hot body and was pretty sweet-natured. I didn’t know about his medical history, if he was a good father, what he would think about this, nothing. I was carrying his child, and I had no idea who the man really was on the other side of the spectrum. My life felt like it was spinning completely out of control. When I’d said I wanted a change, this was not what I meant at all.

  My hand immediately went up to my face, and I thought about the pictures on the refrigerator. The pictures of him and his happy family, all smiles like nothing in the world could go wrong. This was going to completely demolish his wife, and I’d had no idea about her until after I had done the deed. God,
I was a terrible person, and now I was going to have to tuck my tail between my legs and find this guy, admitting to what was going on and having to face his family. The little girl he had would be a big sister, and she would think so poorly of me. Everyone would think poorly of me. It was a no-win situation, and I felt like burying myself in the couch and not coming out.

  I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and I didn’t even know it until that moment. I knew I felt terrible about what had happened, and Brandt had been on my mind ever since I left New York, but I didn’t think the mistake would spiral so far out of control. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have thrown so much caution to the wind that I got knocked up by a rich guy with a family and knew nothing about him?

  My heart started to race faster, and my breathing intensified. I stood up, grabbing my chest, realizing I was having an all-out panic attack. I sat back down and breathed through my hands remembering the bag trick from when I was a kid. I had always been so strong and independent, and now I felt like I was a giant puddle, a mess that needed cleaning up. I felt helpless and alone. I picked up my phone and scrolled down, starting a group message with Gillian and Caroline. I sent them “911” and put the phone on the table, knowing I couldn’t go through this all alone. I needed my support system and a clear mind, so they could help me think all of this through.

  It felt like forever, but they were there within ten minutes, bursting through the door like they were going to save me from an attack. They stopped and looked over at me crumpled up with my knees to my chest, sitting on the couch. Both of them looked absolutely terrified, especially since I never had emergencies like this. The last time I sent them the 911 message, I had just witnessed Alex fucking his girlfriend on the kitchen counter. Before that, though, I didn’t think I ever needed them like that. My life was turning into a soap opera, and there was nothing I could do at that point to avoid it.

  “What’s wrong?” Gillian said, running over and taking my hand.

  “What happened? Are you okay?” Caroline kneeled down in front of me. “You can tell us anything.”

  “I went to the doctor today.” I couldn’t speak without starting to cry. “I thought he was going to tell me I had cancer or something, but it’s worse.”

  “What is it?”

  “I’m pregnant,” I whimpered, breaking into a sob. “I’m pregnant with Mr. New York’s baby, and he’s married!”

  They both sat there silently for a moment, looking at me and then looking at each other. I closed my eyes and let the emotions boil over, feeling safer now that I wasn’t alone anymore. Gillian rubbed my back and smiled.

  “That isn’t so bad,” she said. “Babies are amazing, and we get to be aunties.”

  “Gillian, now is not the time for positive reinforcement,” Caroline said. “Emma, I know this is devastating. I know you’re losing it right now, but you have to take a deep breath. The sooner you accept the situation, the sooner you can move forward to whatever the next step is.”

  “You have to find him,” Gillian said. “He’ll be able to help you with things.”

  “It’s impossible,” I said. “I don’t even remember where he lives. His name is Brandt and he lives in the most populated city in the entire country. I will never be able to find him.”

  Chapter 15

  Brandt

  It was the first Saturday in a while that I decided to just sit down and relax. I had my feet propped up on the coffee table, basketball on the television, and the house was quiet. My mom had taken Sicily out shopping for the day, leaving me home all alone. I loved being with my daughter, don’t get me wrong, but the idea of shopping for clothes with her and my mother in Jersey was like a real-life nightmare. I picked up the remote control and started flipping through the channels, not really interested in the game on the TV. There wasn’t much on in the middle of a Saturday, and I started to question why I even had cable. We never watched it, and when Sicily watched TV, she mostly went for documentaries on Netflix or something. Just as I was about to put the remote down, there was a knock on the door. I sighed, pulling myself off the couch, not feeling like dealing with company.

  I set my beer on the counter and walked over, pulling the door open. There was Josie again with her hands up trying to calm me before I even said anything. I had an extremely high-tech security system, and I still hadn’t thought of looking at the video feed before opening the front door. I was starting to think I was sabotaging myself. I crossed my arms over my chest, reminding myself that the last thing I needed was to get into another argument. I needed to stay calm and cool no matter what she said. The days of Josie upsetting me were long over with, and I had to stop letting her affect my life.

  “Brandt, before you turn me away, please hear me out,” she said.

  I wanted to shut the door in her face again, to walk away and forget she was ever there, but I couldn’t. The look on her face told me she genuinely wanted to talk, and I was feeling generous and relaxed. I also knew if I didn’t hear her out, she would keep coming back to my house over and over. I sighed and then moved to the side, motioning for her to come in. She smiled and walked into the apartment, looking around at the changes that had been made since she’d left two years before.

  “Have a seat in the living room,” I said. “Do you want some coffee?”

  “No, thank you.” She headed farther into the room and sat down on the couch. “I won’t take a lot of your time.”

  I poured myself a cup of coffee and walked in after her, sitting down in the chair and moved it to face her. I set the coffee down on the table and leaned forward, pressing my hands together. I was trying to be as nice as I could to my ex-wife, but it was really hard for me.

  “What do you want to say? And I will tell you this beforehand, think about your words carefully. I don’t have unlimited patience today,” I said.

  “I knew this from the moment I left, and I’ve been thinking about it every day. I felt like the more time that passed, the more impossible it would be for me,” she said. “I made a mistake leaving my daughter. I want to be in Sicily’s life.”

  “You understand that Sicily was barely five when you left,” I said. “She has very little memory of you, if any at all. As each day passes, she has less and less memory of you. You’re a stranger to her, someone she doesn’t know like a long-lost aunt or distant family member. She isn’t the child who yearns to be with her mother. She never brings you up, she never talks about you, and the only reason she knows what you look like is that I left pictures of us on the fridge in case she had a question.”

  “I know,” she said, putting her head down.

  “Sicily was a baby, a baby who was put in the hands of a nanny for most of her infancy and then taken care of me and my mother as a child,” I said. “I know you don’t think two years is a long time because as adults, it isn’t, but that is a third of her life. Not to mention that for the year leading up to your disappearance, you were rarely ever home, running off to be with your secret boyfriend every chance you had.”

  “Won’t you just think about it?”

  “Even if I were to consider it, which I don’t know if I should, it really isn’t up to me or you, it’s up to Sicily,” I said. “With her not remembering you and her having come to terms long ago with you never coming back, I don’t know if she’ll have any interest in being around you. I haven’t talked bad about you, though. I’ve let your own mistakes speak for you. You don’t know that little girl anymore, and she doesn’t know you.”

  “Maybe in time, she can know me,” she said, looking up as the door flew open.

  Before I had time to even compute what we were talking about, Sicily came running full speed into the house, across the living room, and jumped into my lap. She took my face in her hands and kissed me, smiling excitedly. My mom walked through the door and stopped, raising an eyebrow and shutting the door behind her.

  “I got the most beautiful dress for school,” she said, turning slowly an
d looking behind her.

  Sicily climbed off my lap and took my hand into hers, pulling it up to her chest. She stared over at Josie, blinking as if she were making sure she wasn’t imagining things. She looked at me, and I let out a deep breath, seeing exactly where this was going. I thought about stopping it, from keeping the drama from exploding, but I knew Sicily had the right to face her mother and say whatever was in her head at that moment. She stood up straight and looked Josie in the eye.

  “Mother,” she said firmly. “This is definitely a surprise.”

  “Sicily,” she said, ignoring the fact that I was trying to cover up a smirk. “You remember me?”

  “Only from the pictures my dad left up that I told him to take down months ago,” she said.

  “I’m here to find out if you would be willing to get to know me again,” she said. “I’ve missed you, and I want us to be friends.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding” Sicily put her hands sassily on her hips. “You left us, me and dad, and you ran off before you ever got to know me. I don’t want anything to do with you. I think you need to leave now.”

  “Sicily, please.” Josie reached for her hand.

  “No,” Sicily replied, pulling her hand away. “Leave now.”