Secrets & Lies

by Mia Ford

  “No way,” I say instantly. “Hazel is amazing. I’ll always have a job for her if she wants it.”

  “Then tell her that and everything will be fine,” Allison says with a laugh. “By the way, Kyle will be here for dinner, is that alright?”

  “It’s fine,” I assure her. “I expected it.” I hesitate. “Is he mad at me?”

  “A little,” Allison admits. “Just don’t tell him what you told me, and everything will be fine.”

  I grimace. Yeah, there’s no way I’ll tell Grant’s tough, tall, protective best friend that I dumped him and now want to get back together with him. He’s probably angry enough over the situation as it is.

  I’m glad, though, that it doesn’t seem to have caused any problems between Kyle and Allison. Then I remember that they’ve already been through a lot worse than this. My problems aren’t going to be enough to tear them apart.

  I glance at Allison. In a way, knowing how bad her relationship with Kyle was in the beginning, I have a little hope. If Grant and I can come out the other end of this, will we be just as strong for it? I don’t know, but there’s a large part of me that hopes so.

  The smaller part of me, the more logical part, reminds me that our situations are entirely different, and it’s unlikely that Grant is as forgiving as Kyle.

  I’m pulled out of my thoughts when I hear the front door open. Kyle enters the apartment, sighing when he notices a few books on the floor, and bends over to pick them up.

  “Sorry!” Allison says with a wince. “I meant to pick them up.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Kyle says, rolling his eyes.

  He nods to me as he passes, unsurprised to see me, and enters the kitchen to drop a quick kiss on Allison’s waiting lips. Then he turns around and looks at me.

  “Allison told me you’re staying the night,” he says.

  “Yeah,” I admit. “My head has been little…twisted lately. I just need some time to myself.”

  “That’s fine,” Kyle says. He crosses his arms. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be, though?”

  I stare at him, not understanding.

  “Kyle!” Allison says, shocked.

  “Sorry, Allison,” Kyle says. His expression is stern. “I get it, Jessica. You’re overwhelmed with everything, and you need somewhere to hide out. But hiding isn’t going to help you. And you’re not the only one overwhelmed.”

  It feels like all the wind has been knocked out of me at once.

  “I…”

  He’s right. I’ve just spent the last hour or so whining to Allison because I still have feelings for the man I broke up with. I made a token effort, on Tuesday, to speak to him, and got discouraged when he shot me down, resolving to walk away and give him what he wants. Other than that, I’ve made no attempt to solve a situation that I created.

  Is that really all Grant means to me? A small effort and a huffy protest when he does the right thing and finally tries to protect himself from me? Was I really going to go home tomorrow and let things go, which will force Grant and I to spiral in a circle of bitterness and unsaid resentment until we can’t take it anymore?

  I owe Grant far more than that.

  “I don’t know what to do,” I admit.

  Funny how I went to Allison for advice, and ended up with somewhere safe. Now Kyle, however, is standing in front of me and telling me what I need to hear.

  And Allison knows it too. She’s standing back, her eyes flicking between Kyle and I. She’s biting her lower lip, but she isn’t interrupting, a conflicted look on her face. These are the things she wanted to say to me, but didn’t because she didn’t want to kick me when I was already down.

  “Isn’t it obvious,” Kyle snorts. He shrugs. “You should probably eat dinner before you go.”

  “Go?” My chest feels tight. “Go where?”

  But I already know the answer.

  Kyle glances at me. “You aren’t going?”

  I glance at Allison. She meets my eyes and grimaces. Her expression makes it clear that this is my decision. Even Kyle hasn’t specifically told me that I have to go.

  What will I do? Will I stay here the night and mope in a puddle of my own misery while I think about all the mistakes I have made? Or…

  “I’ll need his address,” I say to Kyle.

  Or do I go to Grant’s apartment and beg him to listen to me? I’ll get down on my knees if I have to. I don’t know if I’m ready to tell Grant everything. But I know that I can’t allow things to keep going like this.

  Kyle gives me a small smile.

  “Sure.”

  Dinner is quiet. Allison still looks unsure, but she doesn’t say anything, and Kyle doesn’t seem to have anything to say now that he’s voiced his own opinion on everything. I don’t really know what to say either.

  “This is really good,” I finally say towards the end of the meal. “Thanks for cooking me dinner.”

  “I’m glad you liked it,” Allison says with a small smile.

  I glance at the clock. It’s seven.

  “Grant had the lunch shift today,” Kyle says, almost as though he could hear my thoughts. “He’ll be home.”

  I feel as though it’s burning, the paper Kyle had scrawled Grant’s address down on for me in my pocket. It crinkles as I touch it. Now that the time has come to leave, I can feel my heart pounding.

  “Thanks,” I say, my mouth dry.

  “Would you like a lift?” Kyle asks.

  I almost say yes; it’s been so long since I’ve been on a motorbike. The last time was with Grant, when we were still together. It’s one of the things I missed most after I left him and, before discovering I was pregnant, I toyed with the idea of learning to ride myself.

  “No,” I say though, shaking my head. “I think I want to walk and clear my head.”

  “Fair enough,” Kyle says.

  He stands and clears the plates before carrying them to the kitchen. Allison leans forward immediately and holds out something small and gleaming.

  “A key to the apartment,” she explains when I look at it, confused. “If you come back tonight, you can use it to get in. I’ll leave some blankets and pillows on the couch, just in case.”

  “You’re not expecting me to come back?” I ask wryly.

  “No… I’m hoping you won’t come back,” Allison corrects. “Because that will mean everything went well. But keep that anyway. You don’t have to give it back to me.”

  I smile and take the key.

  “Thanks, Allison.”

  I stand. I can’t put it off for much longer.

  “Good luck,” Allison says.

  I try to smile at her and then leave. If I stay any longer, I won’t go. But Kyle is right. This is important. I’m not the only one suffering here, and I need to start making amends. I can only hope that Grant will at least hear me out.

  Grant doesn’t live very far from Allison’s apartment, but I’m only halfway there when I feel the first drops of rain on my head. I pause, glancing upward; I don’t normally check the weather, so I have no idea if it was supposed to rain or not. I’m suddenly wishing I’d taken Kyle up on his offer for a ride.

  In moments, it gets heavier and, grimacing, I break into a run. This is just my luck, isn’t it? Maybe the world is laughing at me. “Hey, look at the woman who seems to think she can get her ex back after hurting him without any explanation three years ago.” Maybe it’s what I deserve.

  By the time I reach the apartment building Kyle had directed me to, I’m soaked and shivering, even in my jacket and jeans. As I rush inside, I flick my wet hair out of my eyes and try to smooth it back. I no doubt look like a wreck, which is not the impression I wanted to give Grant when I’m arriving to ask for his forgiveness.

  Grant lives on the top floor of the building, and I take the old rattling elevator up, wringing my hands. The urge to run away is getting stronger. But I need to stop doing that. Fleeing is what got me in this mess to start with. I need to stand up and face what I’ve done
.

  When the elevator stops, my hands start to shake. I take in several deep breaths and then I walk down the hallway. Several numbers flash past my vision, but all I comprehend is that they’re not the ones I want. It seems like I walk forever before I finally come to a stop in front of a door. It’s the same as all the other doors in the hallway, but Grant is behind this one. My heart pounds in my chest, and I reach up to knock.

  It’s a timid sound, almost as though it doesn’t want to be heard, but I hear movement from within straight away. Grant opens the door within seconds, his eyes hard and his expression impassive.

  He doesn’t look surprised to see me. It occurs to me that Kyle would never have sent me to his friend without “warning” him, especially after everything that’s happened between us. I want to be angry at Kyle, almost feeling like he’s led me into a trap, but, instead, I’m reluctantly impressed at the strength of the bond between Grant and his friends.

  “Hi,” I say.

  “You did come,” Grant says, sounding unimpressed. “What do you want?”

  “To talk,” I say.

  “There’s nothing to talk about,” Grant says, turning away.

  Terror seizes me. No, I can’t just let it end like this, not after everything. I got here; I might be three years too late, but I’m still here.

  “Please,” I say, reaching out before I can stop myself and catching the sleeve of his shirt. “Please, I know I have no right to ask this, but…please.”

  Grant stares at me. I don’t know what he sees but, after a moment, the look in his eyes seems to soften ever so slightly.

  “You’re soaking,” he grunts. He sighs. “You better come in. I’ll get you a towel.”

  Maybe the rain was there to help me then. I draw in a deep breath and follow Grant into the apartment. I’m here now. There’s no backing out this time.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Grant

  I should have told her to go away. But it’s dark and raining outside, and she’s already soaked through. That, combined with the pleading look in her eyes, makes me relent when nothing else could. So, reluctantly, I step back and lead her into my apartment, just knowing that I’m going to come to regret this somehow.

  “Take a seat somewhere,” I tell her. “I’ll get you a towel. Do you want coffee?”

  “If that’s okay,” she says quietly.

  She’s acting shy now. No, it isn’t just an act, she’s always been a little shy and quiet, lost in the crowd of the larger voices that made up my friends and I. I sigh.

  “Yeah, I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t,” I grunt.

  I stalk away before she can say anything else. Having Jessica in my apartment is the last thing I need right now, but I can hardly send her away. Maybe I should call a taxi for her? But it will just be a waste of money if she won’t go.

  She’s made the effort of coming out here at nearly eight o’clock at night. Even though I don’t want to, I should at least hear her out before telling her to go home. Though, speaking of her home…

  “Where’s Owen?” I call to her, my head in the cupboard as I find one of my warm, thick towels.

  “With our babysitter,” she calls back. “I’ll have to introduce you to Hazel. She’s wonderful and she really loves Owen.”

  A babysitter? It makes sense that Jessica would have called on the services of a babysitter without anyone else to help her.

  “You don’t really need a babysitter now,” I say, grabbing a warm blanket for good measure and making my way back. She’s sitting gingerly at my table, not wanting to get the couch wet. “There’s two of us now, and Allison and Kyle if they’re around.”

  “I considered that,” Jessica says with a nod of thanks as I pass her the towel. “But I don’t want to lose Hazel. She’s really helped me a lot. Besides, there will probably be some days that you’re unavailable or I need to be somewhere. Having a babysitter is still a good thing, even if I don’t ask for her as much anymore.”

  I shrug. Who am I to demand that she fires the babysitter she’s obviously fond of? It doesn’t really matter to me one way or the other, and what she’s saying makes sense.

  I watch her rub the towel through her hair. Her fingers snag on some knots and she curses as she tries to dry as much water out of her clothes and hair as possible.

  “I’m so wet,” she sighs. She glances at me. “I know it isn’t appropriate…but do you mind if I put my clothes in your dryer? I can just wrap up in the blanket.”

  I imagine Jessica being in my apartment, wrapped only in a blanket, and I cough, feeling warm all of a sudden.

  “Go ahead,” I grumble. “The laundry is down the hall. You can use my bedroom for privacy. I’ll put coffee on.”

  “Thanks,” she says gratefully. “These wet clothes are really uncomfortable.”

  She’s gone before I can reply. I sigh and head into the kitchen, flicking the switch on the kettle. So much for getting rid of her. Now I definitely have to wait until her clothes are dry. I’d loan her some of mine, but she’d swim in them, and, somehow, I think that seeing her in my clothes are just going to make matters worse.

  Maybe I should call Kyle? He can send Allison around here with some clothes for Jessica, then I won’t have to worry about it anymore. But I can’t do that. Jessica wouldn’t be here unless Kyle had given her my address, and Kyle wouldn’t have done that without a damn good reason.

  “Fine, you bastard,” I mutter, rolling my eyes. “I’ll hear her out after all.”

  Jessica returns as I’m finishing the coffees, and I carry them over to the table. She’s wrapped so tightly in the blanket I had given her that barely any skin is showing. I catch myself wondering if she’s wearing underwear, and turn away, cursing myself.

  “Thanks,” Jessica says quietly as she accepts the mug. “That’s nice and warm.”

  “I guess you weren’t expecting rain,” I say.

  She laughs slightly. “I’ve never really watched the weather much. Considering I have Owen…I should be more mindful.” She gives me a wry smile. “Maybe you should watch the weather forecasts for the three of us.”

  “Maybe,” I say, ignoring how warm I feel at her words. I lean back. “So? Why are you here?”

  I don’t want to sit here with small talk. I want to know why Jessica has come to my apartment this late at night, looking like she ran through the rain to get here.

  Jessica’s smile drops and she stares at her mug.

  “I…wanted to talk,” she said. “I heard what you said, about not having any more chances. And I understand completely. I squandered every chance you gave me. But…just one more, Grant? I still…can’t tell you everything. Not because you don’t deserve to know, but I’m still working through some stuff. But if you give me some time, I...we can work through this!”

  I stare at her incredulously. She has the gall to come to my apartment, beg me to hear her out, and then tell me that she can’t tell me everything right now but she will eventually?

  “I don’t quite get it,” I say, shaking my head. “What do you even want, Jessica?”

  She hesitates. Her hands clutch her mug tightly.

  “Something impossible, maybe,” she says a little wistfully. “I…want us to try again.”

  I gape at her. That’s not where I thought this was going.

  “Are you…?” I start.

  “I’ve been thinking about it!” she interrupts. “Look, I get it, and it’s been a long time… We don’t even know each other anymore. But now we have a kid. So, maybe, for Owen’s sake, we can at least try? To at least be friends, if you can’t…”

  She trails off. I finally find my voice.

  “No,” I rasp.

  She looks at me, startled. I shake my head.

  “This is… No,” I say. “Is this some kind of joke? Are you fucking kidding me right now, Jessica?”

  She flinches.

  “I’m being serious,” she says.

  “Okay, so now you want to try
and fight for a relationship?” I snap, angry. “Where was all this drive and determination three years ago? Why didn’t you fight for us then?”

  “I understand why you’re angry…” she says.

  “No, you fucking don’t!” I roar, and she flinches back. I take in a deep, steadying breath and slowly loosen the grip I have on my mug. As the anger fades, it’s left with a bone-deep weariness. “I bought you flowers, you know.”

  She looks up, shocked. I stare at the murky liquid of my coffee, not meeting her eyes.

  “On that day,” I continue when she doesn’t say anything, “you were so mad, and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure it out. I was going to take the flowers over to where you were staying and ask to talk to you. It was this huge bunch, too. It had lavender and daffodils, the flowers you love. I picked up a box of chocolates to go with them, and asked the lady at the store to help me wrap them. Then I got home.”

  I don’t want to explain what I had felt when I walked into a suddenly empty home, to realize that Jessica had been serious about breaking up. So serious that she had come home in the middle of the day, while I wasn’t there, taken all her things and disappeared on me.

  My heart had dropped all the way to the floor. I had sat on our (my) couch for hours, wondering what the hell to do now, before I got the motivation to at least try and contact Jessica to ask why. I tried to phone her but her phone was off. Every message went unanswered. None of her friends or family would say anything to me, either. It was like she had suddenly disappeared.

  Then, three years later, she shows up and says she wants another shot? Even if she hadn’t lied to me about our son, I still wouldn’t do it. I’ll never be able to forget that terrible, empty feeling she left me with, even if I could bring myself to forgive everything else.

  “I’m sorry,” Jessica whispers.

  I snort. An apology now? It’s far too late.

  “It doesn’t matter anymore,” I say sharply. “At the end of the day, what you’re asking for is impossible. You and I don’t work together, that was made clear. And starting a relationship with you… How can you ask me to do that when you’re still keeping secrets from me? I don’t even care what those secrets are anymore.”