Speak in Winter Code

by S. M. Harding

  She leaned forward and looked at the cover page. “I’d forgotten all about it.” She leaned back. “Before we were together, I found out General Lester had my lines tapped. So I started writing that to keep the analysts in wet dreams.”

  “You wrote it for men?”

  “I couldn’t just stop using the computer or they would’ve know I was on to them. This was all I came up with.”

  “It’s pretty raw, Win.” She pulled back, examined my face. “I mean…did you ever do any of that stuff?”

  “No. Did I witness things like that? Yes. I was looking for sex.”

  I touched her lips. “Baggage. It’s in the past. I didn’t mean to snoop, I was just rearranging stuff and found it. I didn’t mean to trespass.”

  She kissed my fingers. “Read the whole thing, Sarah. I don’t care. I’m not that person and I never was.”

  “I didn’t read you as the protagonist because that woman had no heart and was just after thrills. Did you know women like that?”

  “Sure. Lot of women out there like that.” She touched my temple. “I couldn’t see any alternative while I was on active duty. But when I met Azar, everything changed. I couldn’t go back to that life for anything. I think it was about having roots with someone.”

  I burrowed into her chest, my arms around her. My roots were Hoosier, one hundred percent. I hadn’t been anywhere much except McCrumb County, while Win had been all over the world and met all kinds of people in all kinds of cultures. All kinds of women in all kinds of sexually explicit situations. How could I compete?

  “What?” she asked.

  I looked up at her. “I’m afraid you’ll get bored with me.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding. Every day with you is new. Please don’t tell me you want to build a dungeon in our basement.”

  I blushed. “I wouldn’t know what to do in one, Win.”

  * * *

  Win had gotten me up at dawn because I neglected to tell her I was taking the day off in lieu of yesterday. Once awake, how could I roll over and go back to sleep?

  At breakfast, I told her about Caleb’s suggestion to work five days a week instead of six.

  “Yes!” she said, then accompanied it with her version of a happy dance. “You don’t know how much I’d love to have you home one more day. When the kids get here, well, you know.”

  I poured another cup. “It’s going to be hard, Win. I worry when I’m not there that something will happen to my deputies.”

  “I’ll distract you.”

  “You already do.” I took a sip. “I’ll give it a try, but no promises.”

  “With that attitude, you’ll last the week.” She took the dishes to the sink. “How’s the investigation coming?”

  “The bullet that got Ted is so mangled, we can’t even tell what caliber it is for sure, but it’s in the range of a thirty-aught-six.”

  “I called Bill and asked him to get clearance for Nathan,” she said quickly. “It’s come through and now he’s officially on our team.”

  “You couldn’t tell me before you did it?”

  “You said we could work this together so I wouldn’t be scared shitless every time you walk out the door. I was working my end.”

  “Damn Win.” I looked out the window where angel snow floated, waiting for an air current to lift it upward again. That’s what Mom used to call it, angel snow, and said it was a blessing. I sure as hell needed a special blessing to catch our shooter. I looked at Win. “Sorry, you’re right. It’s just going to take me a while to work with a co-sheriff.”

  “I’m not a co-sheriff, Sarah. I’m your backup with access to data you don’t have.” She began washing the dishes.

  I took my mug to the sink, let it float down into the suds. I wrapped my arms around Win and leaned my head on her shoulder. “I’m not used to sharing the responsibility.”

  She turned around, wiped her hands and then held my face in them. “I know. You’ve created this wonderful unit of officers. Then you can’t trust them to do their jobs without looking over their shoulders. Take a leap of faith, Sarah. Trust the people you’ve trained to do their jobs.”

  “I didn’t train you.”

  “That’s not the point,” Win said. “I’m not a cowboy and I don’t go off half-cocked. You’ve got to trust my judgment, because I’m not going to ask your permission every time I take a step.”

  “Whew.” I leaned against her.

  “These are the things we have to talk about if we want to share the burden. Either you trust me to move or you want me to get permission first.”

  “It’s not that black and white.”

  She rubbed my back. “In my world, it is. Besides, I told you at the first opportunity.”

  I pulled back. “If you didn’t want to talk about it over the phone, you could’ve told me when you got home.”

  “First we got Emily’s dinner invitation. Your deputy was shot. I had good intentions.”

  “Start making a ‘to do’ list, okay? Things like ‘Tell Sarah I’ve called in the Feds.’”

  “Ah,” Win said. “That’s the burr under your blanket. Going out of the county for help. Something your dad never did.”

  “No, that’s not true.”

  “Think about it, please. I don’t want to argue with you. I don’t want to feel like I’m on a tightrope.” She kissed me lightly. “Besides, Bill isn’t the Feds. He’s a friend to both of us.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Win

  What I didn’t say to Sarah was that I thought the danger to her was real. I felt it in my bones. But, with two days together ahead of us, I’d had enough of cop shop talk.

  “So, you want to do anything special with this time? There’s a gay bed-and-breakfast down in West Baden. Get away for a while?”

  “You’ve been there before?”

  I looked her in the eyes. “Yes.”

  “With a woman?”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “I don’t think I want to go.”

  “It was before we got together.”

  “I still don’t think so.”

  I threw up my hands. “I give up, Sarah. You’re being pissy.” I went to my desk. Folded up a list I’d made to furnish the girls’ room. Got my truck keys.

  “Where are you going?” Sarah asked, her voice tinged with anger.

  “Shopping.”

  “For what? I mean—”

  “Furniture for the kids’ room.”

  “Isn’t that something we should do together?” She stood at the island in the kitchen, uncertainty in her eyes. “Or are you going to cut me out of that too?”

  “Fuck you.” I walked to the peg that held my parka.

  “Win please—”

  “You have real control issues about being sheriff. I understand. But sometimes I get fed up. I need to walk away because I’m getting really ticked off.” I put my parka on. “If you want to do something to help, you can begin to take apart the guest room.”

  Des came up to me, whined and leaned against my legs. Stuck her muzzle in my hand. “Can’t take you with me. You’d be stuck in the truck. Maybe Sarah will take care of you.”

  I gave Des a kiss on the top of her head and left the house without a backward look.

  * * *

  I picked up the tail as soon as I turned from Clayton Corners Road onto SR 36. I watched for a while, made a slight detour. Yep. Someone was tailing me. I dialed Sarah. “May I have your permission to call Caleb? I’ve got a tail.”

  “Someone’s following you? Dammit, Win. I’ll call him and—”

  “No. I want you to stay inside and set the alarm system. Do you remember how?”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Sarah, please just do it. I’m calling Caleb now.” I ended the call, punched in his number. “Habstadt. What’s up, Win?”

  “I’ve picked up a tail. I’m heading to the kids’ store in the Old Greenglen section. Can you pick us up? Then tail the tail? It’s an older Dodge
SUV. Dark green.”

  “Where are you now?”

  “On SR Thirty-six, heading into town.”

  “Got you covered. I’ll be in a black Bronco. You going to make more stops?”

  “I was, but I’ll pick up my order, head home. Okay? I’m worried they’ll target Sarah now. She’s home alone.”

  “Roger that. You get in any trouble, call. I’ll have patrol on watch around your house.”

  “Don’t make it obvious, Caleb. We don’t want to spook them.”

  I saw him pick us up about a mile out of town. I’d ordered twin beds, so I parked in front where I could load them and be clearly visible. I’d planned to look at desks. But I want to do it with Sarah, something we do together.

  I hadn’t realized how much Sarah’s dedication to work bothered me. Okay, not just her control over every detail, but how much overtime that took. Time when we weren’t together. We had a lot of talking to do.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sarah

  After Win’s call I sat down on the couch and cried. This wasn’t how I’d planned to spend my time off—Win alienated and telling me to butt out of sheriff’s business. I noticed Des curled up in front of the fire and watching me with her head on her paws. Evidently, she was siding with Win.

  I took a deep breath, wiped off my tears and set the security system. The cameras showed nothing but skeletal black trees against the snow. I knew why Win was jumpy, but honest to God, she didn’t have to take my head off. I walked into the spare room and stripped the bed. I wondered what Win wanted to do with it and everything else in the room. Was she planning to paint? Get curtains? We hadn’t talked about it, but I realized what an extraordinary responsibility we were taking on. Could I rise to the occasion and be a mom? A good one?

  I lugged the mattress into the hall, then went back in to take the bed apart, piling those pieces next to the mattress. I looked at the bureau, side chair and floor lamp. Leave them? I opened the closet door and saw Win’s uniforms, a couple of office-type and one full dress. The shelf above held a variety of caps and one very battered helmet. Something was in a long garment bag. I unzipped it and saw red silk, the dress she’d described to me as being low cut. It looked as if the v ended at her belly button. I zipped it up again, smelled Win’s scent on the uniforms and sat in the chair.

  Tears came unbidden. Why the hell couldn’t Win just let me be sheriff? It was my job! She’d guilt-tripped me over doing my job which I realized I had been putting in a lot of overtime. How often did a storm like that hit? Topped with a double homicide and attempted murder of an officer?

  I heard the alarm system beep, indicating someone was coming up the drive. I sprinted into the living room and grabbed my Glock. I looked at the monitor, then heard the old bucket of bolts my dad drove. I held my breath until he made it to the top of the hill. I turned off the system and opened the front door. “Did Win call you to babysit?”

  He looked up at me—no, glared. “Caleb called me. Asked me to provide backup for the sheriff. You gonna let me in, Sarah Anne?”

  I stood back and let him get gently swarmed by Des. It was a mutual love affair, one that brought back the images of Dad with a series of hounds he’d had over the years. How he’d always been there for me.

  “I’m sorry, Dad. Win and I had a fight and…”

  “Prob’ly not the first, sure won’t be the last,” he said, standing. “Win loves you, Sarah Anne. That’s clear to see every time she looks at you. When Lizbeth got on me for workin’ too much, I guess we had a fight or two betwixt us. First thing you gotta do is listen.”

  “She said I had ‘control issues’ at work.”

  “Ain’t that the truth.”

  “What? Not you too.”

  “Caleb’s got your back. If you don’t know that by now, I reckon you don’t have the brains I always credited you with. Let him do his job.” He gave me a bear hug and didn’t let go. “You got a life now. Family. Ride your way through the county with loose reins. You’ll find your way just fine.”

  I felt tears forming again.

  “Now,” he said, holding me at arms’ length. “Why’s half the spare room out in the hallway?”

  * * *

  When Win got home, Dad asked her what she wanted to do with the double bed.

  “Give it to Goodwill, I guess,” she said. “Or if you know a family that could use it…”

  He loaded it into his truck and took off with a warning look at me over his shoulder.

  I pointed to the cartons that rested in the hall. “So, how do you want to set these up?”

  “I don’t know,” Win said, her eyes searching mine. “I’ve been waiting for you to help me plan.”

  I walked to her, wrapped my arms around her and let my head rest on her shoulder. She didn’t pull me toward her and I felt her shoulders tighten. “I’m sorry, Win.”

  She stepped away. “Sorry isn’t going to cut it. We need to talk because I’m beginning to feel resentment. I don’t like the feeling.”

  “Resentment about how much time I spend on the job?”

  “Yeah,” she said. “How much time you’re thinking about the job even when you’re home. Silently. You just drift off.”

  “Can we set the beds up? Eat lunch? Then sit down and talk?”

  I felt her stiffen. “I don’t care. Whatever.” She walked down the hall.

  I followed. “I didn’t know if you wanted to keep the dresser in here or move it.”

  “They can’t reach the top two drawers. It’s empty except for a couple of blankets. You want to use it for your stuff?”

  My stuff? “Yeah, sure. Let’s move it.”

  We picked it up and Win duck-walked backwards until we were through the doorway to our bedroom. “Where do you want it?” I asked.

  Win nodded at the wall by the closet. It wasn’t until she let it go that I realized how much of the load she’d been carrying. She turned and walked back into the other bedroom. I sat on the bed, bewildered. Had I missed the clues Win had given me about work? I thought back. Yeah, I had. She complained with a light hand and I’d just dismissed it as sarcasm. I watched her pass the door with the chair.

  Damn, Emily had created a monster. I didn’t think Win would be as clear about her feelings if she hadn’t worked with her. Here I was, stumbling along, trying to understand Win and trying to understand me. I was doing better with Win than I was grasping my own actions and motivations.

  When she walked back down the hall, I got up and prepared to put the beds together. Had she bought linens? I stood at the doorway. Win was down on her hands and knees, waxing the plank floors.

  I grabbed the floor lamp and set it outside. Then went back to empty the closet.

  “I can’t give the uniforms to Goodwill. Go ahead and burn them,” Win said, without turning around.

  I took the bunch and moved them into our closet. I went back for the caps and helmet. I’d have to find a place for those, so I dumped them in the living room. As I went through the dresser, I discovered a box in with the blankets. I opened it and saw Win’s medals and framed commendations. Quite a stack of glory to be hidden in a bottom drawer. In so many ways, Win was a mystery to me.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Win

  I trusted Caleb had taken care of the tail. Gotten a plate and had the guy under surveillance. I wouldn’t interfere, but I felt a bit uneasy. Wondered what the hell the tail was after.

  Sarah had lunch waiting for me when I’d finished the floor. She seemed subdued. Thinking about what I’d said? I hoped so. If she couldn’t leave her work at the office, then she needed to share the thoughts with me. Otherwise, what did I have left? Two small girls who needed to see their new moms interact with love. Argue but come to terms. Forgive.

  “I probably came down on you too hard,” I said, keeping my gaze on my soup bowl. “I was frustrated because I’d tried to say something a few times, but I felt like you ignored me.”

  “You’re right, I ignored wha
t you said because I thought I was right. I’ve realized I was just getting into the job deeper and deeper, trying to prove I was a good sheriff.”

  I raised my head, saw the tears coursing down Sarah’s face. “Because you’re gay?”

  She nodded. “I wanted to prove to the people who voted for me that I deserved their vote.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

  “Because I didn’t realize it.” She reached across the table for my hand. “I never do. I just put my head down and plow ahead. I’m sorry. I’m trying to be more reflective about what I feel, but it doesn’t come easy.”

  I entwined our fingers. “When did that happen, Sarah? Growing up, you never hesitated to say what you were thinking.”

  “No idea, but I promise I’ll try and figure that out. I will, and if I’m not working hard enough on it, I’ll be open to correction. I trust you, Win, with my life, with my heart and with my love. If I screw this up…I just couldn’t take it.” Sarah raised our hands, kissed mine. “Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I just shut down. Maybe drift off, I don’t know. But at the bottom of all this, I want to serve the people. I want to bring law and order that’s impartial and fair. It’s not easy.”

  “I know. I do know that. Let me help you with my expertise. Not as some crazy co-sheriff, but as a partner who can help. Occasionally.”

  She nodded. “On a limited basis. Is that okay?”

  “For now. I told you, Sarah, I’m not a cowboy.”

  “Cowgirl?”

  “Shit.”

  “Did you buy linens for the beds?” she asked.

  “No. I was waiting for input. How about we put the beds up? Then we can go shopping. But first, I’ve got to bring in the mattresses.”

  “We have to bring in the mattresses,” she said.

  * * *

  We didn’t make love that night. Too tired from the shopping, or maybe the emotional turmoil. I hated fighting with Sarah, hated seeing pain in her eyes. Pain I caused. I’d dreamed last night of Sarah and me when we were kids. Free to say anything.