Speak in Winter Code

by S. M. Harding

  The fire popped at the same time the alarm pinged. I got up and checked the monitor, went to the door and paid the driver. The scent of pizza should wake Win up. It certainly had Des’s attention.

  We ate quickly, without much conversation. After I closed the box, I leaned back. “We now have four days together. Anything special you want to do?”

  Win leaned back and put her arm around me. “We are confined to the house and environs until Gimpy does more healing.”

  “Which Gimpy?”

  “Dogs heal fast. We don’t,” Win said. “When does your cast come off?”

  “The doctor’s vague. He said I did more damage when I used the cast as an offensive weapon. How about you?”

  “Next week. If he hadn’t said that, I would’ve taken a saw to the damn thing myself.” She pulled me to her. “We’ve had a couple of close calls, Sarah. But we’re still here. All of us. Healing.”

  We sat that way for a while. Des was asleep. I hated to disturb the peace, but the fire was dying. When I sat back down, Win asked what I was fretting about.

  “What I want to do when I grow up,” I said.

  “Really?” She twisted around to look into my eyes.

  “I don’t know what else I can do, other than law enforcement.”

  “You’ve always liked literature. Couldn’t you teach?”

  “After I spent four or five years in graduate school and then found a job close by.” I sighed. “Win, I’m not equipped to do anything else but be sheriff.”

  “Sarah, you’ve been preparing yourself for the office since we were kids. No wonder you don’t know what else you could do.” She ran her hand up my arm. “We just have to figure out some way to lessen the stress for now.”

  “I can post signs at the county borders: No felons allowed.”

  “Let’s talk to Emily. Both of us. Together. So we can check on one another. Keep stress levels low. Like tonight. Fire, dog, two women relaxing together.”

  “You make it sound so easy, Win.”

  “It’s not and I should know.” She took a deep breath. “Whatever you do, I’ll stand with you. But—”

  “I knew there’d be a but.”

  “But you’re the finest law enforcement officer I’ve ever known.” She gave me a long look and ran her hand through my hair. “I love you so much. Still can’t believe that you love me back. If you want to walk away from the job you love, do it. I’ll love you even if it’s the wrong decision. I won’t say a word if you turn in your resignation. But I’ll be sad.”

  * * *

  We went to Em on Monday and she gave us several suggestions as well as a ritual. When we got home from the day’s work, we were to write down the stressors of the day, talk about them and then burn them. When Win was in Bloomington, we’d save our papers and burn them when she got home. I thought the deep breathing exercises would be more beneficial. Win surprised me by wanting to begin the practice that night.

  “Look Sarah, I know you don’t like this idea,” Win said at dinner. “But some of the weird stuff Emily does has really helped me. Helped us. Even if you still blush when we talk about sex.”

  I could feel the blood rising to my face. “What if we keep writing down the same stuff, day after day? What good is that going to do?”

  “That tells us we’re not making progress, not finding better ways of dealing with it.”

  I knew Win wanted to say more, so I shut up and waited.

  “I need to understand the attack. I’m going to keep probing. Does that bother you?” Win asked.

  “Of course.” I choked back an angry retort. “I don’t want you hurt again. I worry about you when you’re investigating. But what worries me more is that you think they’re still out there.”

  “They are, Sarah. Somebody’s paying for that fancy legal team for the guys who staged the assault. Zoe, with all her contacts, got nowhere. Nathan’s working on that part. But I have a feeling he’s working more for Bill than with us. There are still a lot of unanswered questions. I won’t feel safe until I have the answers.”

  “We may never know the answers, Win.”

  “Gotta try.” She watched the fire, then turned back to me. “It depends on how well we do with the exercises Emily gave us.” She rubbed my arm and it was like an electric current. “Want to do the list now?”

  I didn’t, but it seemed to help Win, which in turn, helped me. Des watched us as we burned the slips of paper. I thought she looked as skeptical as I felt. It seemed to relax Win. I knew I kept pushing the worries to the bottom of my mind because I wanted to concentrate on the sense of peace our home exuded and Win, cast or no cast.

  I thought about what Win had said, that she was amazed I loved her back. How could I not? She was always there, at my side or covering my back. She protected me, soothed me and gave me a new life. How could I not return her love and try my best to protect her, soothe her and give her a new life too?

  I nuzzled her neck and pulled her into a long kiss.

  “Damn this cast,” she said. “Doesn’t let me do what I want to do with you.”

  I smiled. “Don’t tell me the intelligence wizard can’t figure out how to work around one simple obstacle.”

  Chapter Sixty-One

  Win

  When Sarah was occupied elsewhere I talked to Nathan. I had a feeling he knew more than he was telling. Fuck it! Did he think I was going to jeopardize a national op just to protect Sarah? Would I? I wanted her safe. By my side rearing two little girls who’d already seen too much violence. Why the hell couldn’t I tell Sarah to walk away from the danger? Walk away from the job?

  I couldn’t. It would change the woman I loved. Maybe in ways I couldn’t even imagine. Would she blame me? Especially for bringing two children into the mix? If she walked away from her job, would she resent the choice? Feel that she was forced to make it? My gut told me yes.

  “You get a name on Don’s pal yet?”

  Sarah looked up from her book. “Pal? Really?”

  “I got the feeling the other guy regretted getting involved with this. So maybe he’s not a pal. You have a real name?”

  “Everett T. Gorman.”

  “Background?”

  “Use my computer and tap into our records. Everything should be there.”

  Sarah knew the background. She wasn’t going to help me directly. She didn’t want to think about that stuff on her day off. I left her to her reading and logged on. I scanned the background check they’d done. Then the deep background Nathan had run. Interesting. The man was single. Never married. Parents dead. Rest of family scattered across the country. I took notes and signed off.

  “I’d like to meet him,” I said as I sat next to Sarah. “I have a feeling he’ll talk to me. Can we go into the station this afternoon?”

  Sarah sighed. “Can’t you do that tomorrow?”

  “I teach tomorrow.”

  Sarah slipped her bookmark into her place and closed the book. “Let me change clothes.”

  “Civies,” I said. “Don’t give your people any ideas.”

  We worked out a strategy on the way into town. I had a small amount of time with Everett. I waited until Sarah and the lawyer entered the other interrogation room. I opened the other door. Everett sat at the table with his head in his hands.

  “What do your friends call you?” I asked as I sat across from him.

  He looked up. “Tom. You really are Colonel Kirkland, aren’t you?”

  I nodded. “Retired…Gunny? Shit! I didn’t recognize you with the beard and those extra pounds you’re carrying. What the hell are you doing here? In cahoots with these men?”

  He shook his head. “Hell if I know. When I got out, I couldn’t find a job. This guy told me about a security company that was training men. Didn’t realize he meant mercenaries.”

  “What company?”

  “Rattler.”

  Shit, one of Nathan’s snake companies. “Was this in a camp in Idaho?”

  “Yeah. T
hat’s where I started hearing all this stuff about how the government was planning on taking away our rights. Didn’t make a lot of sense to me. But it was a paycheck and I was good at training men. I thought this little trip was a training mission for the Rangers. Didn’t turn out that way.”

  “The man who first approached you—who was he?”

  “Ed Rokita. Owns the Cross-Hairs Gun Club.”

  “Which hate groups are behind this? Do you know?”

  He sighed. “Just about all the crazies in the area. Real religious strain, but I don’t know who’s in charge. Some skinheads along for the ride. But there’s a core of command and I got no idea who’s running them.”

  “We don’t have much time because your lawyer’s going to be coming in with the sheriff. By the way, follow your lawyer’s instructions.” I slid a phone across the table to him. “My number’s programmed in. When you’re alone, text the names of all the men involved you can. Then what you remember of the plans.”

  “Won’t they confiscate this at the jail?”

  “No, per the sheriff’s instructions. Keep it hidden from other inmates. Use it only when you’re alone.”

  “Colonel, I’ve heard talk about a jailbreak.”

  “From inmates?”

  “Should’ve said ‘overheard.’ No, I think the Rangers are going to break us out.”

  “Shit.” Fanatics never give up. I should’ve remembered that. “We’ll see if we can’t get you into witness protection. No promises. I’ll do what I can.”

  He nodded. I slipped out.

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  Sarah

  Win had been moody since her visit with “Tom,” the reluctant terrorist. He’d agreed to testify against his pal. She told me about the jailbreak and given me her list of countermeasures, all of which I’d put into effect. Nolan was back in the county and training to become a deputy. He’d attend the academy with the next intake. I’d protected Bill’s op, but at what cost to Nolan?

  Win’s cast came off on schedule to be replaced by a walking boot that looked like something out of the Transformers. I’d accompanied Win to her appointment but the doctor wouldn’t talk to me. “You want to have a wrist that bends and fingers that work? Then come back when I’ve scheduled your next appointment,” was his only comment.

  Win celebrated her freedom that night, so much so that we overslept that morning. I was two hours late for my shift.

  The weather continued to be weird, the temperature moving from the mid-twenties to the mid-fifties. The rivers rose, our Search and Rescue was called out again and again. The folks we saved weren’t stupid, just stubborn. They were trying to hold on to the lives they’d built. I understood that, but it did nothing to alleviate my sense of frustration. We only had so many resources and they were spread so thin right now, if we added any more water, we’d split up the seam.

  Win kept probing for intel about the Rangers and those who stood behind them. I returned to everyday duty, petty crimes and felonies. The one advantage of the flooding was that criminal activity was kept to a minimum. They were as hamstrung as we.

  Win began going into Bloomington again for her classes. She asked if I wanted Des to stay with me. What she didn’t say was “in case I needed added protection.” I refused. Des had healed fast and was almost back to her usual self. I thought I saw some hesitancy when she took off to chase some critter. “She remembers the last time she took off after someone,” Win said. “That she’s still chasing is a good sign.”

  “So how’s life?” Em asked when I ran into her at Rhomer’s.

  I glared at her. “Here?”

  She laughed. “Make an appointment soon.”

  I ran late for it because of a domestic call. When I entered the waiting room, Em’s office door was open and she yelled, “Come on in, Sarah.”

  “You install a security system?” I asked as I sank into the chair opposite her.

  She nodded. “A little barn door action—shutting it after the horse, the pig and the goat are long gone. I hope. What’s up?”

  “The stress stuff isn’t working, Em. At least not for me.” I crossed my legs. “I want to resign as sheriff and Win doesn’t want me to. She’ll support whatever choice I make, but she said it’d make her sad.”

  Em nodded. “Would it make you sad?”

  “I don’t know. I just feel I need the relief.”

  She stared at me until I began to squirm. “I’m not a butterfly to add to your collection, so stop staring at me like you’re pinning me down.”

  “Fanciful image, but that wasn’t what I was doing.” She slammed her notebook shut. “The one complaint you’ve seen me for is stress. Stress from the relationship with Win, stress from the job. But you’ve never wanted to figure it out—you just want a quick remedy.

  “If Win had had that same attitude, she’d still be having screaming nightmares and ducking at every unexpected sound. She worked at it, dove deep into her psyche. She keeps working. She’s never asked for a quick and easy remedy.”

  “Thanks, Em.”

  We sat in silence for several minutes.

  “If you don’t stop avoiding the introspection, you’ll never resolve this. I can give you a referral to a therapist who might do you some good.”

  “No.” The thought was terrifying. “I don’t want to bare my soul to some stranger.”

  “Is that what it means to you? Baring your soul?”

  “Yes.” I recrossed my legs. “I’ve never been introspective.”

  “Just leaped into the latest breach? Saw what had to be done and did it?”

  “Pretty much. Except maybe when Hugh died. There was nothing I could do.”

  “Hugh was your husband?”

  “He was a state trooper and was murdered before you moved here. I could never even talk about his death until I met Win again. We’d talked about him the first time Win kissed me.”

  Em was quiet again.

  “It’s not that I don’t think about why I do stuff like shooting to kill. I am clear about that. It’s just…”

  “You don’t like thinking about things that are murky and don’t have clear answers,” Em said. “Your attraction to Win—you didn’t think about that?”

  “Of course I did, at least a little. Okay, not a lot. I kind of rushed ahead blindly. I fell for Win and wanted to find out what it was like.”

  “It?”

  “Loving a woman,” I said, running my fingers down the crease of my pants. Em didn’t say anything. “Okay, making love with a woman.”

  “You thought more about the physical act than about an intimate, emotional response. Interesting. Are you seeing a pattern here?”

  “I chase criminals and I chased Win.”

  “Bullshit.” Em stood. “I can’t take you on as a client. I can see you with Win, or for a specific incident involving the sheriff’s office. But that’s all.” She went to her desk, rummaged around and came back to hand me a card. “This is the therapist I mentioned. Call her. But Sarah, you’re not going to get relief until you face your underlying feelings.”

  I felt like crying, but I’d be damned before I’d give Em the satisfaction. I took the card, put it in my pocket and left.

  Chapter Sixty-Three

  Win

  I’d kept digging into the snake companies and had a thick binder I’d printed out. Nathan had been right to target them, even though they weren’t the usual culprit fields of inquiry we looked for. I called him for any updates on them. “Um, nothing really new,” he said. Bullshit. Definitely closed out of the loop and I couldn’t figure out why. Maybe because this was a threat to national security? One small cog in a mesh of agencies? I didn’t think Bill trusted any other agency at this point.

  I didn’t talk to Bill, except to tell him to give Sarah a heads-up if something popped up about the county. I also told him about a jailbreak. “We need to bring these men to trial ASAP. There’s been enough blood shed and bones broken.”

  Sarah had been a
giant pain in the ass since she’d seen Emily. My guess was that she’d had her butt kicked. It was only a guess because Sarah refused to talk about it. After a few attempts to snuggle, even Des had given up. Then I’d found the therapist’s card in her shirt pocket. Had Emily kicked her out? Tried to refer her? If Sarah wasn’t talking to me, I doubted she’d talk to a “stranger.” Shit.

  At least she’d finally had her damn cast off yesterday. I was tired of getting clunked on various body parts when Sarah forgot she was wearing it. She was as rebellious about wearing the support splint as talking about what was going on with her. Or doing rehab. I tried to encourage her but failed miserably. I shut up about it and took shelter with Des.

  Des walked over and put her muzzle on my leg. “You wanna go play with Sarah?” I asked. She whined, looked away. I got down on my knees next to her, wrapped my arms around her. Rubbed my face on her fur. “Humans are weird creatures, Des. We try so hard to protect ourselves. Be invulnerable. And that’s the very thing that brings us down.” I kissed her between her eyes. “Sarah will be okay. Eventually.”

  “Are you guys hiding from me?” Sarah asked as she leaned over the back of the couch.

  Des lay down, flattened her ears. “Yes, we are,” I said. “You’re in a really pissy mood. You’re scaring both of us.”

  She walked into the kitchen. It was time to take this bullshit by the horns. I followed her. “So what did Emily ream you out about?”

  “What did she tell you?”

  “Nothing. Haven’t talked to her. But you’ve been in a shitty mood since you saw her.”

  “What do you want for dinner?”

  “Cut the crap, Sarah. Talk to me.”

  “All I wanted were some techniques to lessen the stress and she says she can’t take me as a client. Well screw her. The firing range is a great way to—”

  “She can’t take you because I’m still her client. That’s the way it works. My question is, why did she think you need therapy?”

  “Or do you want to order in?”