Playboy Doctor (Heartthrob Heroes, Book 2)

by Kimberly Llewellyn

  "Scheduling conflict. I'm headed home for a few days then off to the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne."

  "Melbourne? As in Australia?" she eeked out.

  "But I come to the States at least once a year. Maybe we can..."

  "Oh, Shayne, don't say it. You didn't even know where you would be this week. How will you know about next year?"

  "Then you'll come to me. Visit me in London—"

  "Stop, please," she uttered. "Stop what you're doing—"

  "What am I doing?"

  "Pretending. Just see it for what it was. A couple of beautiful nights, a beautiful time. We're both consenting adults. Let's not confuse it with anything more than that," her voice quaked, but she had to be firm as she gave him the out that he needed.

  He set his grim stare on her. "I'm supposed to deny any feelings I have for you?"

  "You have to. They'll do you no good in London, or Melbourne, or who-knows-where."

  "I refuse."

  "You don't have a choice," she snapped. She had to insist that he be set free or they would both end up prisoners of her medical condition.

  "I warned you before, you had no idea what I was capable of. I didn't just spend the best nights of my life with a woman and have it mean nothing."

  "I'm begging you, please don't—"

  "Too late. Damage is done."

  A shadow of emotion eclipsed his face, something Willow couldn't read easily. Disappointment? Hurt, perhaps? Whatever he implied, she wouldn't allow it.

  "Shayne, you arrive at hospitals and save lives. Before you let anyone see you for you, and care about you, you're saying good-bye." Willow took a long pause, her lower lip trembled. "So... good-bye," she finally whispered.

  "Willow, trust me on this, I'm imploring you," Shayne said. "Don't shut me out. And don't isolate yourself. You'll end up alone and it will be of your own doing. I should know. I'm an expert."

  Willow slammed the papers onto the desk. "What would you have me do, Doctor?"

  "For starters, don't hide behind your medical condition, not when we have options."

  "We? There is no 'we.' And there are no options, not after what I've been through."

  "You use this disorder to keep from seeing what the world has to offer. From what I have to offer."

  "And what is that? What, exactly, do you have to offer?" Her sharp demand sliced the air. "Tell me, Shayne, what could you possibly have to offer?"

  * * *

  Willow watched in surprise as Shayne stepped back, his jaw fallen lax. Her loaded question had a more painful effect on him than she expected. But she read into his response. Admitting her blood disorder to him had been a terrible blow. His noble air couldn't cover up his pain over their situation. He couldn't commit any more than she could.

  "I don't know what the future holds. But I'm willing to take a chance and explore it if it means I'm with you," he said.

  "It's not enough, Shayne, for either one of us," Willow whispered "I'm sorry."

  "That's not acceptable."

  She wanted to throttle him over his stubbornness. Didn't he see what he had? He had a chance at a future with kids of his own—unlike her. Family was something she couldn't give him. She refused to deny him the very thing he wanted in life. His pain ran deep, she knew that, but it did so because of his boundless potential to love. Shayne deserved love, whether he believed it or not. The only way he could achieve his dream of a family was with her out of his life forever. Her heart protested the idea, but she knew what she had to do.

  "You have to accept my decision. I've gone through too much. Do you know what my husband told me the day he walked out? He admitted to secretly hoping to lose the babies every time. He was relieved I lost them... all that pain I went through."

  Shayne shook his head. "I couldn't imagine."

  "It was hurtful and humiliating. I could never go through that again. That's why I didn't tell you about the blood disorder. I'll never risk that kind of pain again and I certainly wouldn't risk it with you." Her throat tightened at spitting out horrible words to this man, but she absolutely had to make him walk out of her life forever.

  Like a swollen levy about to burst, she held back the emotions churning within her. She had to let him go, even if it meant cruelly lashing out at him.

  "You'll miss your plane if you don't leave," she whispered as coolly as possible.

  "This can't be good-bye." Shayne reached across the desk for her hand.

  She pulled her hand back. She would have none of it. Couldn't endure his searing touch. The feel of him would only anchor itself to the soul-wrenching reality of his leaving.

  "I can't say good-bye to you again, Dr. Edwards, please don't make me. I can't do it. You must go."

  Shayne froze. Didn't dare reach for her again. Those handsomely carved features of his sank into mournful defeat. "So that's how it's to be?"

  "It has to," she said.

  "So, no future for us?"

  "No."

  "Not even the promise of one?"

  Willow paused. Up until now, somewhere deep inside, she had harbored a glimmer of hope for happiness with Shayne. But that glimmer had folded in on itself and vanished to a wisp. She would grieve the loss later. She bravely held her position.

  "I never believed we had a chance," she told him. The lie, like a hot ember, scarred her lips. "You have to go," she repeated, praying the tremor in her voice didn't betray her pain.

  "So that's what you really want, Willow?" Shayne asked, the intensity in his eye fading to defeat. "And for you to live the rest of your life alone, always wondering, what might have been?"

  "I don't have to wonder. I already know. I've been through this before, remember?"

  "So you've decided I'd undoubtedly hurt you, as well. Already put me in the same category as that ex-husband of yours. For the record, I've done nothing wrong to deserve this."

  The hurt shadowing Shayne's eyes ripped her in two. She didn't intend to crush him, but rather, just wanted him to see the truth of the situation the way she saw it.

  Willow yearned to hold him just long enough to explain why he had to let this idea go. Why he had to let her go. "I don't want to be hurt any more than you," she uttered.

  "You're making sure of that. I'm sorry you feel you have to do this, Willow."

  His proud exterior crumbled before her. Shayne backed away, as though her very nearness wounded him. He dipped his head in a somber good-bye, turned on a sharp heel, and thundered down the hall.

  Chapter 17

  The moment Shayne walked out of Willow's life, isolation settled in, just as he'd warned. She had no choice but to expect to lose him. She had dug in her heels and refused to acknowledge she had any true, long-term feelings for him. She'd done the right thing, setting him free. But she never expected losing Shayne would hurt even more than the loss of an ex-husband. An overwhelming sense of loss consumed her.

  Shaken by the turn of events, Willow attempted to regain her composure. She sat at the nurse's station, willing herself not to cry. What had she done?

  She'd sent the man packing. Oh, how could doing the right thing make her so distraught? It should have been easy to do. Easy to let go. Nothing could be further from the truth. She picked up her documentation from the desk and tried to recalculate where she'd left off before turning away a beautiful man. But when she looked down, her leaking eyes blurred her vision more. She stared at the papers with unseeing eyes, trying to make sense of why sending him away caused such bone-deep anguish. She also tried to keep her leaking eyes from shedding full-blown tears.

  All the while, the world whirled around her. Staff bustled. Phones rang. But the world became surreal now that Shayne wasn't there. This was not the world she wanted anymore, not if Shayne wasn't with her. She came to understand what he was trying to tell her. Because she felt it too. She finally allowed her heart to feel what her head refused to accept.

  She loved him.

  She could never accept that he loved her, yet
he appeared so determined to fight for what he wanted. Too bad she couldn't do the same. The more damaged part of her had seen to that.

  Admittedly, she wanted him.

  But it could never be.

  She loved him too much to keep him tethered to her and her medical condition.

  Assailed by the hurtful truth, Willow bit back a cry and headed toward the more private nutrition room. If she were to survive this day, she needed to take a quiet moment and push past thoughts of Dr. Edwards. But that was never going to happen. Shayne's memory had carved itself so deeply into her mind, so firmly imprinted on her heart, she could never forget him.

  How could she forget him when she was in love with him?

  The reality of what she'd done left her dizzy.

  Once she entered the nutrition room, she gripped the counter, held on for support until the dizziness stopped. She tipped back her head and sniffed, trying not to let one official tear fall.

  But inside, the tears streamed hard.

  She couldn't fall apart. Not yet. Not here. She would have to quarantine her rampant emotions until she could address them at a later time. She didn't want anyone around her regarding her as the most recent casualty in a string of failed love affairs spun by the infamous Dr. Edwards. She had to get through this entire day and later leave the hospital seemingly unscathed.

  But the searing hole in her heart told her she was already too late for the facade.

  Her handheld device's alarm sounded for her appointment with Social Services regarding adopting Baby Jack. Connie had processed the paperwork, petitioning for temporary custody, sending it through the right channels in haste. The temporary status was the next step toward permanent adoption. Willow simply needed to sign the final papers and Baby Jack would be hers. At least she had one beacon of hope in her life. She'd fallen head over heels in love with the baby, an unconditional love that didn't teeter on emotional baggage.

  Pushing through her fight not to cry over Shayne, she squared her shoulders and headed for Social Services and for what her future had in store for her. Minutes later, Willow marched into the counselor's office and plunked herself down in the visitor's chair.

  Connie looked up at her and frowned. "Are you okay?"

  "Why?" Willow asked back too quickly.

  Connie pulled a tissue from the box and handed it to her. Willow accepted it but gave the woman a questioning look. "I don't need a tissue," Willow told her.

  "Looks like you might, especially after what I have to tell you," Connie said, still frowning. "Willow, I have news. In one regard, the news is good; in another, disheartening."

  "Disheartening? I really don't see how this day could get any worse," Willow blurted while fidgeting with the tissue.

  Connie folded her hands on the desk. "It's about Baby Jack. His mother has come back for him."

  Willow took a moment to process the information. The mother had returned to claim her baby? That couldn't be. Her pulse ran rampant. She had to keep her cool despite the shocking news.

  Just then, the air left the room. The walls warped and folded in on her. As the moment took a peculiar turn, she found herself once again spinning. Willow leaned back against the chair, gripped the arms to hold herself steady, and blinked in disbelief. She had tried so hard to keep her emotions in check so far, but the unexpected news cracked her heart open wide.

  Any hope that lay within her disintegrated.

  Baby Jack would not be hers.

  She'd lost another child.

  "This is impossible," Willowed whispered.

  "It's rare, I know."

  "It just can't be."

  "I'm so sorry."

  Strong-willed in her conviction to protect this child, she said, "I won't allow it. We know nothing about this woman—"

  "You will allow it, Willow. She is the mother."

  "She lost that privilege the minute she relinquished the baby..."

  "You know that's not true. I'm sorry."

  Willow couldn't hear anything more, not with the buzzing in her ears. The quiet strength that had provided her protection until now drained from her body, leaving behind a profound emotional collapse. A long-held anguish endured with each baby lost took its rightful place inside her soul.

  She nodded vacantly to the counselor. Despite the numbness in her legs, Willow rose from the chair. In a stupor of confusion, she allowed her legs to carry her out of the office and through the hospital halls.

  But as the ache welled up within her, she couldn't help the angst-filled thoughts whirring in her head.

  Just like almost one year ago, she had managed to lose both a baby and a man she loved in the same day.

  As if sleepwalking, Willow continued down a hall in mind-numbing shock. She'd suffered alone for so long after each loss of a child, she'd grown accustomed to the isolation where she could grieve in solitude. Even when her ex-husband had been beside her, he'd offered little comfort. Not because he'd been dealing with his own grief, but because he wasn't there for her emotionally. And now, with Shayne no longer by her side, she'd once again suffer alone.

  Fearing the tears would spring for all the world to see, Willow quickened her stride down the hall. She couldn't break down. Not here. Not at work, at her job. She had to bravely bear the brunt of the news for just a while longer.

  The side exit out of the hospital came into view. She aimed to reach those doors before she'd allow herself to crumble. If she could get through those doors and into fresh air, maybe she'd survive. But after saying good-bye to Shayne today, and now losing Baby Jack, she wasn't so sure.

  She was reaching for the door when the anguish reached the surface. Reeling with pain, she pushed on the exit bar, forced open the door, and burst into the blazing sunshine. She found herself stumbling toward the Serenity Garden. The very garden where Shayne had held her just days ago.

  Full tears erupted, turning her vision into a watery blur. Her body shuddered with each sob. The loss of a man she loved, mixed with the loss of the baby, forced her to relive her past of losing the life she'd so desperately wanted. Every aching moment.

  Willow tripped along the footpath of the Serenity Garden lined with shrubs and pink roses planted under the sunshine. The cheery landscaping and statues were meant to soothe distraught family and friends. But why didn't they soothe her? Her breathing came in short pants, couldn't catch her breath. She was falling to pieces and couldn't stop the onslaught of wretched emotions. The fear of never loving. The hatred for the control this disease had over her. And an overwhelming despair for losing the two most important people in her life. Shayne and Baby Jack.

  She couldn't take another step.

  In a burst of grief, Willow wrapped her arms around her abdomen and doubled over. The convulsing sobs wracked her body. She couldn't be strong anymore. She openly mourned her unborn children. Mourned her failure at marriage. Mourned the loss of the man who'd taught her to love again. Would she always be left with nothing?

  Once the cathartic sobs subsided, Willow caught her breath. Exhausted, she leaned back against a white marble pillar. After she swiped the last of the wetness from her cheeks, she brought her face to the sun to dry any lingering dampness. Through her blurred vision, she looked to the heavens for some semblance of peace. Nothing. Like many of the roses blown over from the recent rainstorms, Willow remained just as battered.

  A moment later, she heard the hospital side door open.

  The back of her heart anticipated Shayne's footsteps crunching on the crushed seashells and coming toward her. She looked up in anticipation.

  A young girl stepped out into the sunlight.

  Disheartened, Willow let out a gasp. Did she really think Shayne would come for her? Search for her here? After sending him off? Ridiculous.

  With another guest in the garden, she pushed away from the marble pillar and pulled herself together by smoothing her hair, then her scrubs. No one should see her like this. She never should have fallen apart here and risked being caught. S
he was supposed to handle any crisis with dignity but even she had her limitations. Willow took a deep breath to regain her composure. She was about to beat a hasty retreat when the young girl walked over to her.

  "Hey, are you alright?" the girl asked.

  Willow nodded noncommittally.

  "Well, you look like you've had a rough day. It must be hard to be a nurse sometimes. You see so much, huh?" the girl asked.

  "You have no idea," Willow said. Perhaps her response came as a need to talk to someone. Yet, she risked saying nothing more.

  The young girl's eyes brightened in recognition. "Hey, I've seen you. In Pediatrics. The Step Down Unit."

  Willow stared at the girl but couldn't place her. "I've been up there a lot lately."

  "My baby is up there. I found out he had heart surgery, something called an arterial switch. But hopefully, I'll get to take him home soon. See that? Sometimes, even when you see a lot of sadness in the hospital, there is some good."

  Willow's heart twisted and cramped. Just when she thought she'd reached the lowest depths of pain a woman could endure, her heart sank even lower. She'd already figured out who this girl was, but had to ask to be sure.

  "You returned for Baby Jack?"

  "Sammy," she corrected while she nodded. "Everyone has taken such good care of him. Someone even brought him gifts. But it's all so overwhelming. I just came out here to sit and give thanks that I'm getting a second chance with him."

  "He's a wonderful baby." Willow's heart lurched as she said those words to the baby's mother.

  The young girl's eyes grew moist despite their beaming pride. Her eyes matched Jack's. "I almost lost him. He was so sick. I didn't know what to do. I thought he'd be dead by now if I didn't give him up. I was so scared." The girl leaned against the marble pillar. "I've been a mess ever since I left him. I couldn't talk about it to anyone because I was so worried people were already judging me that I gave him up."

  "You did what you thought was best," Willow told her. Each sentence she spoke, a stab to her own heart.

  "Things were real bad, you know?" The girl shifted on one hip. "My boyfriend bailed. I'd just gotten accepted into nursing school. And I found myself alone with a deathly sick newborn. My parents didn't understand. It was all too much."