by Nadia Aidan
She leaned out of her window and called the guard’s name. When he glanced at her she shook her head.
“It’s okay. You can let him in.”
Harold hesitated before he nodded, his attention darting between Joshua’s silently seething form and what she knew was her pleading gaze.
Harold mumbled something under his breath but returned to his booth and opened the gates. Joshua went back to his car and hopped in. When the guardrail lifted, she drove inside with Joshua tailing her.
When she finally made it to her home, she pulled into the garage while Joshua parked behind her in the driveway.
No words were uttered between them as he got out of his car and followed her inside. She pushed the button to close her garage door, the sound of it closing sending an ominous shudder trembling through her entire body.
He trailed behind her and she could almost feel his emotions coiled inside him, like a caged panther ready to be unleashed. She felt stalked as she entered her kitchen, and she headed to where she kept her liquor stashed, making sure the breakfast island stood between them, keeping him at a comfortable distance.
He could have easily walked around to the other side, but anyone with eyes and half a brain could tell she was on the edge and about to tumble over. He stood across the island from her, his hands in his pants pockets.
Silence hung heavy in the room, the only sounds were the ones she made as she poured herself a shot of brandy and knocked it back. The liquid burned down her throat and pooled warmly in her belly, but it did as she’d hoped—it eased her frayed nerves long enough for her to speak.
“I’m sorry about what happened tonight. I—I don’t know what came over me.”
He cocked his head to the side, a dark lock slipping across his forehead. His gaze roamed over her body, easily noting that she still wore her costume from earlier that evening, before returning to her face. The way he studied her, it was as if he wasn’t sure what to make of her declaration.
“When I discovered you were a switch, I must say I was surprised, but that was my mistake. In many ways I know you so well, but there are other things I had to discover on my own.” He stared at her, his eyes searching, questioning. Sonya’s heart thundered beneath her breast, her next breath freezing within her throat when he spoke again.
“I’ve managed to put most of the pieces together, but I want to hear the truth from your lips. Tell me the truth, Priscilla. All of it.”
Priscilla.
Every muscle in her body locked with tension.
No one had called her that in over ten years.
“H-how—? Why?”
“I looked into your past after discovering you were a switch because I wanted to know what I was dealing with.”
“And did you find what you were looking for?” She spat the question at him, fear and anger weighting every single word. Her past had everything to do with this, she’d only just realized that tonight, but he’d probed into it without her knowledge, her permission. She felt violated, exposed, vulnerable—feelings she’d once run from, feelings he’d unknowingly awakened when he’d rejected her.
“If you’re asking did I find answers, then I can tell you no, I didn’t. Just confirmation of what I already suspected. The answers are ones only you can give, but I can tell you what I do know.” His fingertips trailed across the granite island as he moved around it, stopping at the edge so that he stood across from her, the length of the island now separating them. “A female Dominant is a complex individual. At some point she was once subjugated, likely forced into the role due to a traumatic episode. As a result, she subconsciously equates sex with fear and violence. Because of this, she can rarely maintain conventional sexual relationships with men, so to achieve sexual release she finds her way into the lifestyle.
“Naturally, a female submissive is the opposite. In her everyday life, she is constantly put into dominant roles. She feels comfortable in this position, but longs to know what it is like to have someone else in the driver’s seat, so to speak. She’s a control freak by nature, and can only truly submit in the bedroom, but nowhere else.” He looked at her then, his gaze seemingly peeling away the layers to her soul, until there was no place left for her to hide. “A female switch is obviously a blend of the Dominant and submissive, but her makeup is truly an enigma because she possesses latent traits that are rarely obvious to her, or anyone else. She will happily occupy a single role, until a trigger awakens her other nature. And once roused, she can never revert to being one or the other ever again. She forever straddles the fence between the world of a submissive and a Dominant.”
She noticed he inched closer but did not move to completely close the distance. For that she was grateful. Every word he’d spoken was the truth, and she could not seem to stop shaking at the knowledge of how dead-on he was.
“The only problem with a switch is that whatever that trigger condition is, it functions as a painful reminder of an equally painful past. I have an idea, Sonya,” he whispered, “but only you can put the pieces together and help me understand.”
“Why?” she asked finally, after a long silence had passed, her voice rasping out the single word.
“Why do I want to know? Or why do I care?”
She shrugged. “Both. Why does it matter? Why does it matter now?”
His eyes never left her, and when he spoke his voice was deathly quiet, as if he was doing all he could not to succumb to anger. “You already know the answer to that.”
Because he loved her. It was there in his eyes. If she took a closer look at him, she would know he wore the evidence of his love across his entire body. He’d suffered beneath her whip because he loved her. Indeed, she already knew the truth, and now it was time that he learned the truth as well.
She brushed past him and walked into her dining room until she came to a stop before a large china cabinet. At the bottom of her grandmother’s china cabinet were several drawers. She opened one and pulled out a large album. When she returned to the kitchen, she set the album on the island before him and opened it up to a page where a single newspaper clipping was displayed inside one of the clear pockets.
“Start there. As you flip through, you’ll figure out the rest.”
She left him and headed upstairs where she took a shower. When he was done, she knew he would come find her.
* * * * *
Priscilla Sonya Montoya.
After he’d learned that Sonya had taken a job as a Dominatrix at The Sanctuary, he’d hired an old friend to look into her past. Like he’d told her before, a switch was drawn to the lifestyle for a complicated set of reasons—none of them were good. And what he’d found out from his friend’s investigation was only further confirmed here in her album.
Ten years ago she’d transferred to an out-of-state college during her senior year and started going by her middle name. Now he was beginning to fully understand why.
College Coed Allegedly Assaulted by Her Boyfriend and Three Other Assailants at a Frat Party.
That was the headline of the small article she’d obviously clipped out and put into the album. He ran his fingers across the clear plastic, reading the entire article before flipping the page.
There were twelve pages referring to the same incident, and he read every single one. And with each page, his anger mounted until he thought he would explode from the fury. It only tempered his rage when he read the last article to discover all four of her attackers were serving a twenty-five-year sentence in prison. An hour later, Joshua finally closed the album.
He’d had his suspicions from the moment Sonya had gone to The Sanctuary, but it was one thing to suspect, another to have them confirmed.
He dragged in a shaky breath, every inch of him pulsed with fury, with pain. He’d done this to her. He was the only one responsible for what she’d become. Had he not rejected her, made her feel used, her past could have remained right where it belonged. Joshua ran a hand through his hair. He needed to go to her, but he was t
errified of facing her.
He looked up when the sound of running water abruptly came to an end. He refused to hide and cower from her. He’d told her he would not stop until he made this right, and he wouldn’t.
* * * * *
She heard the heavy thud of his footsteps along the staircase as she entered her bedroom. Sonya was just belting the robe at her waist when he stepped inside. A small lamp lit the room, casting a golden shadow across his face. The shower had managed to calm her, and she met his gaze with a confidence she didn’t entirely feel.
“Did you find the answers you sought?”
Her question was met with the arching of a single brow, and it was a long while before he said, “I know the facts.” His words tumbled out of him on shaky, erratic breaths and he crossed the room to lift his hand out as if he wanted to touch her, but at the last moment he seemed to think better of it and let his hand curl at his side. “I’m sorry.”
She shrugged as she turned away from him and went to stand by the window.
“That was a long time ago.”
And long ago she’d managed to put the pieces of her life back together and move on. She’d done everything she could to learn how to heal. Sought counseling, took up new hobbies, surrounded herself with supportive people. There wasn’t a day that went by when she didn’t think about what had happened, but like the grieving process of a loved one, the ache grew duller every day.
He came up behind her then, so close she could feel his every breath against the back of her neck. “You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, but I would like to know what triggered your transformation.” When she glanced at him curiously he added, “What made you consider that you were a switch?”
He asked the easiest question, which served to mask the harder, deeper one. What did I do to make you this way?
Turning to face the window again, she released a soft sigh. She didn’t want to hurt Josh, not anymore. Not after everything she’d done to him tonight. She just didn’t feel the anger anymore, and she was no longer out to wound, but her words would do just that if she told him the truth—
“Sonya.”
She closed her eyes at the sound of her name on his lips. Joshua was too intuitive not to realize that what she had to say was not going to be what he really wanted to hear. Yet the desperation in his voice told her he already understood this. It may not be what he wanted, but he needed to hear it. He understood that as well.
“I don’t know what attracted me to the lifestyle, to the submissive lifestyle especially,” she began quietly. “On the surface it is completely at odds with my experiences, but I think as a submissive I was drawn to the security of it all. With you, I felt protected, safe, something I’d never felt in a normal relationship. Something I’d never felt with any man since the attack. I was content with our relationship, even though I knew you didn’t love me—”
He touched her to halt her next words, but she shook her head, a silent gesture that she needed to continue. Tears pricked at her eyelids until she just couldn’t blink them back and they slipped down her cheeks. She watched each tear trail down her face through her reflection in the window. So much pain and anger, when really all she’d ever wanted was to know love.
“I knew you didn’t share my feelings, but still I hoped. I ignored what you said, and then what you didn’t say, because I wasn’t willing to accept the truth. But I had no choice when I came face-to-face with your date that night at the restaurant. I will never forget that moment, and how I felt. You’d blown me off for a date. After we’d made love just hours before, you blew me off to take another woman to dinner, knowing that I had asked you to go to dinner with me.” Her voice choked on a sob, but when Joshua tried to enfold her in his arms, while whispering soft words she couldn’t make out, she shook him off. She would never make it through this if he touched her. Sonya still stood at the window, unable to face him and equally determined to finish this before she completely broke down and couldn’t.
“Despite your inability to love me, I had never felt used in our relationship until that night. I had never felt completely unworthy of your love and affection until I saw you at dinner with another woman. I was humiliated and hurt. I didn’t realize until later that those were the same feelings I’d felt after my attack. All I knew was I never wanted to feel that way ever again.”
She finally turned to face him. “So I guess that’s the answer to your question. That was the trigger, but I think you already knew that,” she said quietly.
“It wasn’t about being unable to love you, Sonya.” It was just…Joshua didn’t quite know what to say. How did he tell her the truth without hurting her more? Running a hand down his face, he released a deep breath.
“But I guess I was just afraid. No, I know I was. I knew how you felt about me, but I was selfish. I wanted you with me, in my life, and I had no intention of letting you go, but at the same time I convinced myself we weren’t right for each other.” He paused when she winced. “I was wrong,” he finished quietly.
She nodded, accepting his words, but he knew she didn’t understand, and he needed her to if they were ever going to get past this and move forward together. She’d been honest with him, now it was time for him to do the same.
“I won’t lie to you and tell you what I know you want to hear. I wish I could spare you with a lie, but I owe you the truth. And frankly the truth is that I didn’t realize how wrong I was about you, about us, until you left, and even then it took me awhile to accept that. It wasn’t until I finally acknowledged that it just wasn’t fair to you—constantly comparing you to someone else. Only then was I able to see you for the woman you are. I have my faults, and all I can say is that I’m working through them. The problem is that I didn’t know that I was unfairly comparing you to someone else until after you were gone.”
She shook her head in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
His smile was grim as he reached out to take a lock of her hair between his fingers, twisting it around them. “I know, because I’m talking in circles.” He let the soft tendril slip from his hand with a short sigh.
“Until I met you, I steered clear of beautiful women. I know it might sound shallow, or even strange, but I learned from experience that women learn at an early age to use their looks to their advantage. My mother was one of them, is still one of them, though our relationship is strained these days. When I was eleven she skipped out on us—me, my dad and older brother—but before she left, there were a string of affairs. I watched her break my father, and she tore our family apart because of her selfishness. It was wrong of me, but I grew up believing beautiful women were manipulative and destructive individuals who would eventually abandon you when something better came along.” He chuckled, but there was nothing remotely amusing about his laughter.
“Sounds screwed up, I know, but that’s what I thought, and then I met you. You were the most beautiful woman I’d ever known and I told myself to stay away from you, but the moment I laid eyes on you, I just couldn’t seem to stay away. I couldn’t walk away from you, nor could I seem to let you go, so I did the next best thing. I kept my distance emotionally. I put up a wall between us, never giving you the intimacy or the love you deserved.”
He couldn’t stand being so close to her and still not touching her. Joshua cupped her cheek with his palm, his thumb gently caressing the tip of her nose.
“I’m sorry. I was wrong. From the moment I met you, I think I fell in love with you, but I refused to tell you, to show you because I was afraid one day you’d break my heart and leave. And then one day you did, but by then I realized I had only myself to blame.”
Sonya stared at him, speechless, powerless to move. Joshua loved her. It was there in his eyes, shimmering with the intense emotion he was no longer afraid to hide. Even though he’d uttered the words before, this time she truly believed him.
He wasn’t afraid anymore, but she was terrified. Her heart pounded furiously in her chest.
After all they’d done to one another, all the pain, the mistrust, how could they possibly move past this and—
“I can almost see the wheels turning in your head. Baby, I don’t have all the answers, but I do know all we can do is take one day at a time.” He grasped her face between both his hands. “I love you, Sonya, and I am not letting you go. I know you feel the same. As for the rest? We’ll figure it out.”
With her face imprisoned within his grip, it was difficult to nod, but she managed to move her head just slightly. He kissed her then, just a soft grazing of his lips against hers. It was a gentle kiss, conveying the silent declaration of their hearts—that they were starting over, a blank slate. The kiss ended almost as soon as it started, and he lifted her into his arms to carry her to the bed, where he gently laid her down.
She watched him strip out of his clothes, and when he was fully nude, he slipped beneath the covers and pulled her within the circle of his arms. Sonya closed her eyes and settled into his embrace. After everything they’d been through that night, she knew they were both drained and exhausted. Tomorrow they would face their future together and what that meant, but for tonight, a restful, healing sleep was what they needed most.
Chapter Eleven
Sonya awoke to the delicious feeling of pleasure spreading between her thighs. Her eyelids fluttered open slowly, and she squinted against the burst of sunlight spilling through her window.
The pleasure tingled down her legs, curling her toes, and she gasped at the wetness drenching the folds of her plump sex. Sonya glanced down, her gaze slamming into Josh. His head was between her open legs, his eyes trained on her. He swiped his tongue through her wet slit, eliciting a soft moan from her lips.
Desire erupted in her belly, fanning out across her entire body, and she moved to slip her hand behind Joshua’s head, to urge him on, only to realize her arms would not move.