The Jerk

by V. K. Ludwig

  “I am getting married, Oriel,” she said. “Two weeks and I’ll leave for the mountains, and who will check on her? Who will keep her out of trouble? Who will protect the child?”

  Oriel flung his hands onto his chest. “Why the fuck me? If I had known he knocked her up, I would have asked Rowan not to assign me. I wanna raise my own family, not his.”

  “But you heard I didn’t want to marry,” it blurted out of me, “and yet you wanted Rowan to assign you.”

  He shrugged and cleared his throat. “Well… I figured I might convince you otherwise. Sweep you off your feet, so to speak.”

  He grabbed his mug and walked over to his little kitchenette, dumping cold tea and stoneware into the metal sink. There he stood for a while, his arms hanging listlessly by his sides as he watched his own chance of a family going down the drain.

  “I wanted to tell you,” I mumbled. “But we figured he would come back and…”

  I swallowed the rest of my sorry excuse the moment he gave me a dismissive wave. Shame flared up inside me once more. Burning me from the inside. Making hot tears blaze behind my eyes.

  Curiosity had left me with a permanent consequence. I could live with that. Hazel said my baby wasn’t bigger than an apricot, but my love for him or her had no measure. I wanted this child. Not least of all because of who gave it to me. But dragging Oriel into this? That was something I didn’t want to live with — but living without it wasn’t an option anymore.

  A hot tear rolled down my cheek. I was so stupid.

  Oriel crossed his arms in front of his chest, his gaze still somewhere between drain and pipes. “I won’t do it. Why would I stand up for his fuck-up? Who knows… he might turn up again.”

  “This isn’t about you, and neither is it about my brother.” Hazel rose from her chair and pointed at me. “This is about Ruth and that baby inside her. I am leaving, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. You want her to live out there all by herself? How is she going to support that child?” Then her shoulders slouched, her hand dropped, and she turned her gaze out the window. “Everyone knows he won’t be back. Nobody ever came back from the Ash Zones, and Rowan was stupid to let him leave. She is showing. Give it a few more weeks, and this will boil over quickly.”

  “Let it fucking boil over! I will not cover how your brother broke the damn law.”

  “Look, I’m not proud of what my brother did, okay? But again, this isn’t about him, or me, or you. It’s about —”

  “I fucking get it. It’s about her and the baby.” Oriel walked over to the window and began pacing it, one hand rubbing across his chin as he stared through the glass. “But… why me? Why did you have to pull me into this?”

  “Because you are already her guard. It makes sense, and people will believe it.”

  “And if I marry her and she shows even more the week after, you don’t figure that would look a bit… suspicious?”

  Hazel swung her palms up. “Who gives a shit? As if anybody would care about when it happened once you’re married.”

  Oriel released a deep breath and stared out the window as he mumbled, “can you give Ruth and me a moment alone, please?”

  Hazel gave me a nod, reassuring me that this was the right thing to do. And perhaps it was. At this point, I no longer had a choice. Waiting wasn’t an option anymore.

  “I’ll wait outside for you,” she said. “Give me a holler once you’re ready to walk down to the clinic.”

  Oriel continued to stare out the window, his body stiff and unmoving except for the gentle sway for balance. When Hazel closed the door behind her, he turned around and looked straight at me, his posture still stiff but his face much softer now.

  “I didn’t wanna embarrass you in front of her. Or myself for that matter.” He let out a chuckle that quickly died down as he rubbed the side of his neck. “What kind of marriage are we talking about here? Is this all going to be fake? Or are we going to… like… actually be married?”

  My heart hit bedrock, robbing my blood of oxygen and turning me near dizzy. I had spent two days wondering if this was the right thing to do, but not a second on how to execute it all.

  If the last two months without Adair had taught me anything, it was that I truly loved him and slowly wilted away without his presence. The premise of giving myself to another man, even someone decent like Oriel, squeezed the air out of my lungs and the life right with it.

  My mouth opened and closed, opened, and closed. When my vocal cords finally made some sort of noise, Oriel swung both palms up and shook his head. “I got my answer. It’ll be fake then… two people who don’t love each other, until death do us part.” He turned away and raked his hand through his hair. “Shit. Call me a fucking pussy but I always hoped I’d marry for love.”

  “You have no idea how sorry I am!”

  “Funny…” He let out a chuckle and glanced at me. “I just realized how sorry I am for you. Guess you have some sort of feelings for him, or otherwise, this wouldn’t have happened.” He didn’t wait for me to answer or nod but instead went on, forcing his voice into something more cheerful. “Anyway, we need to make sure my parents buy this. Let’s join them for dinner two or three more times, then we can announce it. Think you can act in front of them as if you like me? Maybe just a little?”

  My lips trembled, and this time, I was the one who let out a tiny giggle. “Yeah, liking you is pretty easy, Oriel.”

  He let a nod roll from his shoulders and pointed at the door, showing me out just as Hazel had reached out her hand to knock.

  “So?” she asked.

  Oriel answered with a smack of his lips and disappeared back inside his house.

  “Told you he’d do it,” she said and hooked her arm into mine. “It’s too bad, his parents never liked me. He’s a good man.”

  “Yeah, but I hate myself for putting him in this situation.”

  We walked down to the clinic without exchanging much more than small talk, and I liked to believe Hazel felt as shitty about involving Oriel as I did.

  When we reached the clinic, she held the door open for me, subtle excitement lining her face. “Ready to see your baby for the first time?”

  She turned the lights on and led me to one of the rooms in the back, packed with boxes in the far left corner. White cabinets lined the walls, most doors hanging crooked where hinges or screws had collapsed.

  “Just lie down, unbutton your pants and lift your shirt a little,” she said and gave a pat against the exam chair in the center. “The machine is old and takes some time to start up, but it has enhanced 3D qualities.”

  She flipped a few switches and worked a few knobs, making the light strips above us go into flicker mode. The cold plastic liner pressed against the small of my back, poking my skin where it had turned brittle and frayed, but I didn’t care.

  Two minutes later Hazel grabbed a probe and placed it onto my abdomen, going from left to right and back again. “Try to breathe a bit more shallow. I ran out of lubricant, and it’s tricky to move without shaking up the entire area.” Left again. Right again. Then she applied an uncomfortable pressure, a radiating smile settling along her lips. “There’s my niece or nephew.”

  Her fingertips strained some worn-out keys on the keyboard, but the clicks soon faded into non-existence, along with everything else around me. There on the screen was my baby. Our baby. The world fell out underneath me.

  An orange-brown little thing, the shape reminding me of a squash, with a big head and cauliflowers for ears. The legs slowly stretched, then angled again, but my eyes rested solely on the face.

  “Ready for the heartbeat?”

  I gave a slow nod as not to move the image, reminding myself to take shallow breaths. It sounded from the speaker. A crackle at first, but it soon settled into the soothing sound of a rapid ga-shoon, ga-shoon, ga-shoon.

  “Is it supposed to be that fast?” I asked, my voice heavy with tears and the image in front of me jagging along the edges of my vision.
>
  “Yeah. Their hearts beat faster than ours.”

  I stared and stared and stared, breathing back those tears, fighting my constricted lungs, because the last thing I wanted was blink and blur my picture-perfect baby. At that moment, my core filled equally with joy and sadness. How much I wished he could see this… experience it with me… figure it out with me.

  A breath later, the image shook. It bounced and blurred and broke apart, and when my eyes shot to the probe on my stomach, I realized how my body trembled. Tears welled down unchecked, turning me into a heaving, sobbing, sniffing mess of snot and defeat. The baby was gone, and the screen turned black.

  “Sh…” Hazel hushed, placed the probe beside the machine and took my hand. “You’ll be alright. I’ll come and visit as often as I can, I promise you that.”

  “But I miss him so much.” My voice had picked up to a loud wail, and I choked on my tears each time I took a sharp inhale. “I’m the reason he left, and I’m why he won’t come back. He asked me to marry him, and I said no. And now I have to marry a guy I don’t love and isn’t the father of my child. I’m so… stupid.”

  My fist shattered against my forehead. Again. And again. And again. Right before the fifth blast, Hazel grabbed my wrist and pulled me into her arms. “Stop that! This isn’t good for the baby at all.”

  “I wanted him to see the baby!”

  “Yeah, I know. I know. Look…” She let go of me and turned back to the machine, then grabbed a string of images she must have printed out while I had stared at my child’s face. “The printer is kinda messed up, so the lines are jagged. But… if my brother ever returns…” She bit back a sob and handed me the images. “Anyway, you can show him these very first pictures of his daughter.”

  I wiped my eyes against my shoulders. “It’s a girl?”

  Hazel shrugged. “It’s still early to tell but… I am pretty sure that’s what I saw.”

  Chapter 23

  The Ash Zones

  Adair

  I stared at the greenest green I’ve ever seen in this gray-scale place, my stomach in knots and bile pushing beyond my esophagus. For the first time in like three months that fucking traffic light was green, and I took in a lungful of the lackluster air. There were no traces of flowers or grass in bloom, but hey, at least it didn’t kill me.

  “You’re gonna say bye to Bird before we head over to Knox?” Jack asked and fastened the saddleback to his bike. “He’s… uh… he’s with his mom.”

  I gave a nod and set straight into motion, strolling through the container homes I had grown so familiar with. This place became a second home to me, where I spent my days going on runs and my evenings drinking with brothers. The light of the green bulb still burned somewhere deep on my retinas, making me wonder if returning home was still what I wanted.

  Hazel should have left by now and joined the Clan of the Mountains, waiting to become a wife. I had no family left back at the Clan, except for Ruth…

  But Ruth wasn’t family, and she didn’t wanna be, she made that clear. She might have long forgotten about me for all knew. Probably thought me dead. Perhaps she already banged another guy…

  Fuck. Saying the idea didn’t sting would have been a lie, no matter how much I told myself I was over it all. But I was. Really. As long as I didn’t let those thoughts fuck with my mind.

  “What’s up, brother?” I asked and walked up behind Bird, close enough to offer a shoulder but with enough distance to show respect. He had grown quiet ever since it happened.

  He hinted a nod, and I approached, placing my hand on his back as I gazed over the flowers he arranged on her grave.

  “How far out did you need to ride to find these?” I asked.

  “They’re from the greenhouses. But I was the one who harvested the seeds last year. Not sure if she actually liked flowers.” His shoulders slouched some more. “But then again, there was so much I didn’t know about her.”

  I gave him a pat against his shoulder and stepped back once more. For a moment, it relieved me that I would never have to leave my child behind and watch how someone else raised it for me. At least one benefit of not having a wife. Or a child. Or a family.

  “So…” He took a deep breath and glanced at me over his shoulder. “You’re really doing it, man. You’re finally leaving.”

  “It was a tough decision, but there’s something I have to do. My Clan is still waiting for the pastor’s remains, and I intend to stand by my word of bringing him home.”

  That, and something else I had sworn to myself I’d do. When I left my Clan behind, even if only for a few days, I had decided on a whim. Looking back at the way Ruth and I parted drove shivers up my spine.

  She didn’t feel for me the way I had felt for her, but beyond that, she was a friend. It wasn’t enough for me back then, but I believed… no… I knew I had reached a point where I could accept it. And even more: I could embrace our friendship. And right after I delivered the pastor’s ashes, I would tell her that. She didn’t deserve to be stuck with the weight of the way we parted — neither did I.

  “I’d say I’ll miss ‘ya, but guys like me don’t say shit like that,” Bird grumbled. “But I hope you realize we’ve got your back if you ever need us.”

  “And I got yours,” I said, turned around and left the graveyard, leaving Bird alone with his thoughts and the few shared memories he had of his mother.

  Jack already sat on his bike when I returned, chewing through the handful of peanuts in his palm and flicking the shells to the ground.

  “Got any idea what Knox wants with me?” I asked.

  He shook his head like he always did when he got the answer but didn’t care to share it. Or didn’t have the option to…

  Knox had asked me to meet him at the bar before I left, which stood empty when I stepped inside like it usually did in the mornings. The rancid taste of sweat, booze, and vomit still clung in the air, and someone must have tipped the old jukebox in a fight.

  The doors upstairs were closed, which told me Lily was still asleep — or at least seven of them. Three stood ajar, the white line of the gap, giving no hint of movement.

  I’ve never gone up there, regardless of how many punch cards Knox had issued me.

  Most of them went straight to Bird, buying him more time with the woman he loved. There was nothing up there I didn’t have already, and I made peace with the fact that none of it would ever measure up to what I had shared with Ruth. I ignored how the memories squeezed my heart - I was over her now.

  Knox sat at the bar over a glass of chocolate milk, slurping it down through a metal straw while staring at me from the corner of his eye.

  I sat down on the stool next to him. “You wanted to talk to me?”

  He waved his hand at Ed who stood with red-rimmed eyes behind the counter, and quickly grabbed for a glass he filled with milk and the brown powder.

  “Swear there’s nothing better than a glass of chocolate milk in the morning. Reminds me of my childhood, back when I was still an innocent, dumb little fuck.”

  I turned down the metal straw Ed offered me with a quick wave and sipped on the milk, staring at those three, narrow gaps upstairs.

  “You sure you wanna leave?” Knox asked and pushed his glass across the counter, subtly asking for a refill. “We could use you here, you know. You’re a good shot, and you can handle business when it’s called for.”

  I gulped down the rest of my milk, wiped my mouth across my arm, and got up. “There’s something I need to do, and you know that.”

  “You don’t agree with how I run this place…” he said, his voice gruff and sharp, stopping me mid-movement. “Is that it? Is that why you never used your punch cards? Because you didn’t strike me as someone who prefers men.”

  “You’re the president. Run this place any way you like, it’s none of my business.”

  At that, I set back into motion, but Knox’s voice stopped me once more, this time with my hand on the door handle. “I decided to
give you something. A token of my gratitude, I guess. And perhaps an extension of my willingness to do business with your chieftain.”

  Before I could ask any questions, he let an ear-shattering whistle blow between his two fingers. From the dark hallway all the way at the end of the counter, three women appeared. Eden, Bird’s somewhat-wife. A Lily I had never seen before. And the girl I kissed.

  “Which one?” Knox asked and turned around on his chair as they walked over to us and positioned themselves in a row in front of me.

  “Which one what?” I gazed over their faces, or whatever was visible anyway with the way they stared at the ground. “Didn’t I make myself clear by not using the punch cards for the last… like ever since I got here?”

  “I’m not offering you a fuck, I’m offering you a wife.”

  I tried to ignore the chill that licked across the back of my neck.

  “That’s what everyone wants, isn’t it? A wife?” Knox continued, grabbing his new milk and slurping it down, ignoring the way the girls held their stomachs clutched. “The contracts on all these girls are coming to an end soon, and I bet they are hoping to find husbands after. Some may say they’re filthy, but I guarantee you they make great wives. Well broken in an —”

  “You’re kidding, right?” it blurted out of me. “Why would you do that to them?”

  “Oh, now I’m the heartless one?” He flung one hand onto the chest, then took another long sip on the straw. “What do you think they’d rather do? Go home with their husband today, or service three cocks a day for the next twelve months?”

  That he had made Eden walk up made disgust sweep over me in large gusts and waves. But if I chose her, perhaps I could make sure she would reunite with Bird somehow.

  “Jack will accompany you and your fiancee back home,” Knox said as if his eyes tracked more than my reactions. He had choked my plan before its first breath. “Our women are just as precious as yours, and he will make sure the girl gets married. Anything other than that and I’d rather keep her here.”